ZA: I'm sorry it's been a while, but Sal was being very…

Crispy: Entertaining?

ZA: Yes. It's just…that new angle is very interesting.

Crispy: Plus, we've been having all that fun with Draco's rebellion. If the readers haven't yet discovered your "Predestination Paradox" fic, they should check it out.

ZA: I think they most likely have checked it out. Anyway…who's doing our disclaimer this time?

Crispy: What about a guest appearance of a character from another of your fics?

ZA: Stephan.

Crispy: Very well. I'll summon him.

Stephan: Oh, Voldiekins! Where have you gone? Daddy can't find you! Oh, it's you two. How may I be of assistance?

ZA: Disclaimer would be nice.

Stephan: Then will you send me back to my baby boy? He shouldn't be left alone for long at his young age.

ZA: Hahahahahahaha!

Crispy: Yes, of course. Sooner you finish the disclaimer, the sooner we can send you back.

Stephan: ZsugamiAlbadoesnot—

Crispy: Intelligibly.

Stephan: Zsugami Alba does not own Harry Potter or Bleach.

"English"

"Japanese"

'Thoughts'

Parseltongue

Chapter 27: I got this, Haru.

Ichigo looked up at his little brother. "What is it now? It'd better not be anything I have to leave this bed for. Pomfrey won't release me, and I can't leave my body without triggering alarms."

"Ginny's been kidnapped by the heir of Slytherin," Haru stated.

"What?!" cried Ichigo. "I guess I'll be needing Kon after all. He'd better behave himself this time."

"Who's Kon?" asked Draco.

Ichigo sighed. "You'll see soon enough. Haru, would you fetch that stuffed lion from my bag?"

Haru gave Ichigo a funny look. "Basfa? That doll Yuzu found? What are you doing with him?"

Draco smirked. "What's the matter, Kurosaki? Feeling homesick? Can't sleep at night without your cuddly, little friend?"

Ichigo glared at him. "Shut up, Malfoy. I'll explain when Haru brings him here."

Draco's smirk seemed to grow even more condescending. 'Some talent those Malfoys have,' thought Ichigo. "Oh, it's a boy, is it? How cute."

"Trust me," said Ichigo. "Kon is anything but cute."

Haru just shrugged and ran off to fetch Basfa/Kon from the dorms. When he returned, Ichigo grabbed the lion and shoved his hand inside the mouth and felt around a bit. Apparently, the thing had a throat. His brother's hand emerged a moment later, holding a small, green pill.

"Here we go," sighed Ichigo. "Hopefully, he won't see any pretty girls while we're gone." He ignored the confused looks from Haru and Draco as he popped the pill into his mouth and his soul emerged from his body. He waited a second, but no alarms sounded. Instead, his body sat up, sputtering.

"Why do you always have to do it like that?" Ichigo's body shouted. "You know I'd be perfectly willing to cough it up on my own!"

Haru stared at Ichigo's animated, empty body. "Er…is it supposed to do that? What was that pill?"

"What'd he say?" demanded Draco. "You know it's terribly rude to speak a foreign language in front of someone who can't understand it."

"Draco, Haru, this is Kon. He's a mod soul contained in that pill. He'll animate whatever container he's in, but he usually plays dead in public when he's in the stuffed lion."

Haru was still staring at Ichigo's body. "That is not normal."

"Yeah, but he'll keep Warden Pomfrey off our backs. We just need to make sure he doesn't act too terribly out of character." Ichigo turned to address Kon. "Remember, you're supposed to be me. Just act like a normal human being and I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Yeah, yeah," muttered Kon. "I know the drill. But what if I see someone? What if I see my soulmate?"

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "Doubtful. Just…take a nap, or something. And don't hit on anyone."

"I'm not tired," whined Kon. "Could I at least have a magazine to look at?"

"I don't think they have magazines in the wizarding world," replied Ichigo.

"Sure we do," said Haru. He turned to Draco. "Do you still have that copy of Witch Weekly you were reading earlier?"

Draco looked affronted. "I was not reading that. I was merely checking the publishing date to assure myself it was the most recent issue before giving it to Granger."

"Hermione is petrified. She can't read it now," Haru pointed out.

"Well, she'll want it when she wakes up," Draco argued.

Haru raised an eyebrow. "I doubt that. Hermione isn't your average girl."

"Don't be ridiculous," sniffed Draco. "All girls like that stuff. They can't help it. It's genetic."

"Just hand it over." Draco reached into his pocket and pulled out the gossip rag, handing it to Haru.

"Let me just put a translation spell on this for you," Haru said. He waved his wand, muttering something in what was probably the wizarding world's butchered Latin, and handed the magazine to Kon.

Kon looked at the cover. "23 charms to release your inner beauty, page four," he read. "What is this garbage?"

"The results of this year's most charming smile award are on page six," Draco offered helpfully.

"I thought you hadn't read it," said Haru.

"I was just curious to see if it was Lockhart," Draco admitted.

"Was it?" asked Haru.

"No, actually. It was Father. He'll be insufferable for a few weeks, but Mother will probably brag about it to her friends."

"Whatever," said Ichigo. "Let's go save Ron's sister. Where is she?"

"Apparently, she's in the Chamber of Secrets," said Haru.

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "Great. We don't even know where that is."

Haru looked thoughtful. "Actually, I think I may have an idea. I need to ask Myrtle a question first."

Myrtle seemed thrilled when the three boys arrived. "Welcome back. Oh my!" she said in a breathy voice. "You've died. How dreadful." Her expression of glee belied her words of sympathy. "Would you like to share my toilet? It's quite comfy. And private."

Ichigo backed away as the spirit attempted to sidle up to him. "I thought you didn't like me."

"That was before," said Myrtle. "You're one of us now. We souls have to stick together. Close together."

Draco looked ill. "That's disturbing."

Ichigo looked panicked. "Stay away from me! I…I have a girlfriend!"

"Ha!" shouted Haru. "I knew it!"

"Shut up," said Ichigo. "Just ask your question so we can get out of here."

"Right," said Haru. "Myrtle, how did you…er…expire?"

"Expire?" whispered Draco. "What is she? A bottle of milk?"

"I was trying to be tactful," said Haru. "I didn't want to offend her."

Myrtle didn't look the least bit offended, however. In fact, she seemed to glow with eagerness. "Ooh, it was awful," she cooed. "But probably nowhere near as exciting as your death," she told Ichigo. "I'm sure you died bravely, fighting an evil wizard, or something."

Ichigo looked uncomfortable. "Well, the first time there was this sort of giant fish monster, and Rukia stabbed me."

Haru looked shocked. "Your girlfriend stabbed you? Yours is a seriously dysfunctional relationship, brother."

"The first time?" asked Myrtle, very intrigued.

"Let's stay on track, shall we?" interrupted Haru. "Please, Myrtle, we're very interested in your story."

"All right," sighed Myrtle. "Well, Olive Hornby was teasing me about my glasses. I was hiding here in the bathroom having a good cry when I heard someone talking in a strange language, but what really got me was that it was a boy! So I came out to tell him to go away and use his own toilet, and then..." her eyes got really big at this point. "I died. I just sort of floated away. But then I came back to haunt that horrid Olive Hornby. Until she complained and I got confined to Hogwarts," she pouted.

"Where was the boy standing?" asked Haru.

"Over there." Myrtle pointed to the row of sinks along the opposite wall.

Haru moved closer to inspect the sinks. "Ah! There's a snake carved into this faucet," said Haru. "This must be it."

Draco frowned. "But how do we get in? Turn on the tap?"

Haru shot him a condescending look. "If that were the case, it would open every time an unsuspecting girl went to wash her hands," he pointed out. "That is not the way to encourage proper hygiene." He turned back to the faucet and concentrated. Open.

The sink…well…sunk down into the floor and revealed an opening. Draco leaned over and peered into the darkness. He wrinkled his nose. "It smells rather foul. Probably filthy. I'll stay here and keep watch."

"Thank you, Draco. You're so selfless," muttered Haru. "Come on, Ichigo. Let's see what's down there." He sat down on the edge of the hole and lowered himself in. Unfortunately, there didn't seem to be a bottom. "Crud!" he spat. "It's a slide. Well, nothing else for it." He let go of the edge and disappeared from sight.

Ichigo took a deep breath and then, holding his zanpakuto in front of him, he jumped in after his brother. As he rushed down the slimy pipe, he thought, 'I wonder if my uniform is machine washable.'

Ichigo came flying out the other end of the pipe and landed with an "Oomph!" at Haru's feet. "Ow. Did I land on a rock?"

"Actually…" Haru began hesitantly, "It's worse. Don't look down."

Ichigo instinctively looked down. He stared at the numerous bones of what appeared to have been rodents.

"I told you not to look down," said Haru.

"People really shouldn't say that," argued Ichigo. "It's human nature to immediately look down when they hear those words." He took in their surroundings. "There doesn't seem to be anything nearby."

"It's probably further in," said Haru. "Slytherin's heir wouldn't want to come shooting out of that pipe and into the basilisk's mouth, after all."

"Good point."

The two boys walked down a filthy passageway and came to a door decorated with entwined serpents.

"I'm beginning to think this Salazar Slytherin might have been a bit obsessed," observed Ichigo. "I mean, really? This snake motif is getting a bit old." He held up his sword. "Don't worry. I've got this, Haru."

"Um, Ichigo," said a worried Haru, "You probably shouldn't-"

"Getsuga tenshou!" Ichigo shouted. A crescent of blue energy shot forth from the giant sword and struck the door. The entire passageway shook. Chunks of rock rained from the ceiling.

"Ichigo!" shouted Haru. "We're underground! You have to be careful!" He launched himself forward and knocked Ichigo out of the way just as a cascade of rock poured down, cutting the two brothers off from the way back to the surface.

When the dust had settled, Haru hit Ichigo over the head. "You idiot," he hissed. "Now we're trapped down here." He turned to look at the door. "And the door is still intact."

"Oops."

Haru sighed. "Don't worry. I've got this, Ichigo." He approached the door, focused on the serpents, and spoke. Open.

"Show-off," muttered Ichigo. Haru looked at him incredulously, but Ichigo ignored him and pushed past him beyond the doorway. Wand out, Haru followed.

They entered an impressively large, dank chamber. Torches lit a path to the other side where the giant statue of a wizard stood, reaching almost to the ceiling. There were serpent statues and carvings everywhere.

"I take it back," said Ichigo. "It's not an obsession. It's a fetish."

"Ew," said Haru. Then he noticed a limp form lying at the statue's feet. "Ginny!" He rushed forward.

"Haru, wait!" shouted Ichigo. "It's probably a trap!"

"You know it's terribly rude to speak in a foreign language in front of someone who can't understand it," said a voice to their right. Both boys turned to see a teenaged boy dressed in Hogwarts robes with a Slytherin crest.

"We didn't know you were there, idiot," said Ichigo.

"You'll have to forgive my brother," said Haru. "The only English he knows is insults."

The boy raised an eyebrow. "I suppose that probably comes in handy. I'm Tom. Tom Riddle. And you?"

Haru and Ichigo shared a look. "Haru and Ichigo Kurosaki," supplied Haru.

"Ichigo Kurosaki? The guy who's in love with a house elf?"

"Rukia isn't a house elf!" argued Ichigo. "And I'm not in love with her, and I didn't write that!"

"Wait," said Haru. "How do you know about that? I only wrote it in…your diary."

Tom looked offended. "It's a journal. Only girls write in diaries. And I know about it because I came from the dia—journal."

Haru looked at him a moment, his mind finally putting the pieces together. He looked back at Ginny's body and saw the diary lying beside her. "You've been writing to Ginny all year, haven't you? You've been talking to her through that diary. Asking her questions, learning." He looked back at Tom. "You're the heir of Slytherin."

Tom clapped his hands slowly. "Very clever, Haru. Or should I call you…Harry Potter? Ginny told me all about you – the Boy-Who-Lived. Her hero. The one who defeated Voldemort. Oh, yes. I was very interested in that story."

"Why is that?" demanded Ichigo.

"So you do speak English. I thought you were clever, but you haven't even-"

Ichigo's eyes widened. "Haru! It's an anagram! Tom Marvolo Riddle – I am Lord Voldemort."

Both Haru and Tom looked shocked at Ichigo's rapid deduction. "What? Rukia likes word puzzles."

"Never mind that," said Haru. "What have you done to Ginny, Tom?"

"Oh, she's dying, of course," Tom said airily. "She poured too much of her heart and soul into the journal. Into me. Her death won't be in vain. She's given me life."

Haru reached for his wand, only to discover it missing.

"Looking for this?" asked Tom, holding Haru's wand out. "You seem to have dropped it in your rush to help your friend. Finders keepers."

Ichigo's eyes narrowed. "Doesn't matter. Haru won't be needing his wand. He's got an older brother."

Tom laughed. "What could a disembodied muggle do to me? I am immortal."

"I'm not just any disembodied muggle," said Ichigo smugly. "I'm a Substitute Soul Reaper, and I kill evil spirits like you every day."

Tom only looked slightly worried. "Ah, but can you defeat my pet?" He turned to face the statue. Speak to me, Slytherin, greatest of the Hogwarts Four.

The statue's mouth opened, and an ominous sound could be heard coming from within – a sound like something large scraping against stone.

"Ichigo!" shouted Haru. "Close your eyes! It's the basilisk!"

Ichigo closed his eyes just as he spotted a long, forked tongue flickering through Slytherin's gaping mouth. 'This is bound to make things a bit more difficult,' he thought.

Kill them, hissed Tom.

Haru kept his eyes on Ichigo as his brother faced the oncoming threat blind. Haru would have to be his eyes. 'Just don't look at the snake's eyes. I can do that.'

Ichigo knew he couldn't aim blindly at the basilisk until it was clear of Haru and Ginny. He had to draw it away so that they wouldn't end up casualties. Hoping the snake would respond to the sound of his voice, he shouted, "Hey, you ugly beast! Come and get me if you can!"

The basilisk turned its head towards Ichigo. "It's working, Ichigo," whispered Haru. "He's coming for you first."

"That's right, you overgrown worm!" Ichigo continued yelling. "Come pick on someone…er…closer to your own size!" He turned and, opening his eyes for just a moment, he headed for a group of statues in a far corner, hearing the basilisk slithering after him.

When Ichigo estimated he was far enough away from the others, he shut his eyes and turned back around.

"Two o'clock, Ichigo!" shouted Haru.

Ichigo turned a bit to his right and raised his sword. "Getsuga tenshou!" he shouted as he aimed the sword at what he hoped was the creature he was attempting to kill. He felt the force of the energy leaving his sword and then an eerie scream as it hit its target.

"No!" Tom cried as the basilisk's head exploded.

Ichigo felt wet chunks hit his face and arms and figured it was probably okay to take a peek now. He opened one eye. "Did I get it?"

"Yes!" shouted Haru, pumping his fist into the air. "Just like the guitar! Nice one!"

"That'll cost, Kurosaki," warned Tom. He turned to Haru and Ginny. "You can watch your brother and his friend pay the price." He raised Haru's wand, the tip glowing a sickly green. "Avad-"

Ichigo flash-stepped to place himself between Tom and his brother. "I'm willing to bet your curse won't affect someone who's already dead."

"—a kedavra!" Green light shot from Haru's wand towards Ichigo. He blocked with his zanpakuto, and the curse ricocheted off into a wall.

"Let's finish this," said Ichigo. He raised his zanpakuto again.

"No, Ichigo!" shouted Haru. "Not Tom! The diary!" He grabbed the book and tossed it at Ichigo, who sliced through it easily. It fell in two pieces to the floor, ink oozing out of it.

The entire chamber shuddered violently, and a tall, two-door gate appeared behind Tom. Two giant skeletal figures held onto either side and slowly pulled the gate open. The chains stretched taut, held a moment, and then snapped. The gate gaped wide, revealing darkness and flames. A large hand wielding a dagger reached from within and speared the dark wizard's form on its blade.

"Nooooo!" wailed Tom as he was slowly pulled back through the gates. Haru and Ichigo watched as the doors closed on his writhing form and then shattered into nothing.

All was silent for several moments. Then Haru cleared his throat. "What was that?" he asked in a small voice.

Ichigo shrugged. "Just the Gates of Hell opening and claiming an evil soul. It happens."

Haru was distracted from demanding more of an explanation by a soft moan. He looked down at Ginny. She was regaining color in her cheeks, and her eyes fluttered open. "She's alive," Haru sighed in relief.

"Haru!" Ginny gasped. "Oh Haru, I'm so sorry. It was Tom. He was controlling me. He seemed so nice at first, but then I was blacking out, and there was blood on my hands, and-"

"Yeah, we pretty much figured it out," interrupted Ichigo. "Don't worry. That's all taken care of, but we need to find a way out of here."

Ginny frowned. "I think I always exited the way I came."

Haru jerked his head in Ichigo's direction. "Thanks to my overeager brother, that's not an option this time. I wish Dumbledore were here. He'd know what to do."

No sooner had he spoken those words than a trill sounded above their heads. All three looked up to see a large, brightly feathered bird flying towards them. There was a familiar-looking hat clutched in its talons.

"Hello," said Haru. "Is that for me?" The bird nodded and nudged the sorting hat towards him. Haru picked it up and stared at it. "Um…what should I do with it?"

"Try putting it on," suggested Ginny. "It talks to people in their minds, right? Maybe it can tell you a way out."

Haru shrugged and donned the cap only to get bonked in the head with the hilt of a sword. "Ow. Okay, this seems a bit late in coming." He looked at the bird, which appeared to be rolling its eyes. Haru couldn't really tell. The bird turned and flew to land on the basilisk's corpse. It looked at Haru again.

"I hate to point out the obvious, but it's already dead," pointed out Haru.

"No, wait," said Ichigo. "The bird is right. We can't have anyone finding out about me. We have to make it look like you killed the basilisk."

"Of course," agreed Haru. "Why didn't I think of that?" He rose and walked over to the giant snake. "So…I guess I just…stab it? Do you think it matters where?"

Ichigo studied the corpse for a moment. "Probably not. The head's pretty much gone. I suppose we can blame that on some magical properties of the sword, or something. Try that part there." He pointed at a large scale that was partially torn from the body, sticking out at an awkward angle.

Haru shrugged and, taking the sword in both hands, he shoved the blade into the exposed flesh. He pulled it out again and looked at the now-bloody blade. "Yuck. That's worse than troll bogeys."

"I've seen worse," said Ichigo. He turned to the bird. "Now what?"

The bird trilled again and rose up to hover above them. It shook its long tail feathers at them.

"It's a phoenix!" gasped Ginny, who had stepped up behind them. "They can carry heavy loads – even transport people from one place to another in a flash of fire."

Ichigo looked concerned. "That won't hurt, will it?"

"No," Ginny shook her head. "It's harmless."

The phoenix trilled again and shook its tail impatiently. "All right," said Ichigo. "Everybody grab onto the fire chicken." The phoenix shot him a nasty look, but didn't object when he grabbed onto its tail. Haru held onto Ichigo, and Ginny held onto Haru.

One moment, they were standing in the chamber in a weird human/bird chain. Then there was a bright flash of fire, and they were standing in Dumbledore's office. He was sitting behind his desk and looking astonished but pleased.

"Ginny!" The trio turned to see Mr. and Mrs. Weasley rushing forward. They embraced their daughter before turning to Haru and Ichigo. "Oh, how can we ever repay you! You've saved our daughter!"

"Actually, it was Haru," said Ichigo. "I'm just a muggle. Haru has magic, and the bird gave him a sword."

Haru flushed, looking extremely uncomfortable. "It was nothing, really. I just stabbed it, and it sort of…blew up. A bit."

The trio proceeded to explain to Dumbledore and the Weasleys what had happened – the edited version, that is. When they were finished and Haru had been hugged to within an inch of his life once again by Mrs. Weasley, Haru and Ichigo headed back to the infirmary to reunite Ichigo with his body.

They hadn't gotten far before they ran into a very miffed Lucius Malfoy, accompanied by his cowering house elf, Dobby.

"Why hello, Mr. Malfoy," said Haru. "Congratulations on winning that award."

Lucius was on his way to the Headmaster's office, but he stopped short at Haru's words. "What award?"

"Why Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award," said Haru. "I thought you knew. Draco was bragging about it earlier."

Lucius looked both stunned and delighted. "I won? Well, of course I did. Take that, Lockhart. Now, if you boys will excuse me, I must have a word with that fashion disaster that calls himself a headmaster." He snapped his fingers. "Hurry up, Dobby, you miserable creature."

Haru looked at the poor elf. 'Miserable indeed,' he thought. He looked to Ichigo. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Of course, little brother," grinned Ichigo. He and Haru simultaneously hurried to remove their shoes and pull off a sock apiece.

"Wait up, Mr. Malfoy!" called Haru.

Lucius turned, impatiently. "What is it? Can't you see I'm in a hurry?"

"Yes, we know, but you must allow us to honor you properly, according to Japanese custom," said Haru. He and Ichigo bowed low and presented their grimy socks.

Lucius wrinkled his nose at the foul-smelling footwear. "Er…thank you."

"We present to you this gift of our battle socks," announced Ichigo in a very formal tone. "These have seen and conquered death. May they bring you fortune and long life."

Lucius was horrified by the realization that the boys expected him to touch the offensive items. "Er…I really don't deserve such an honor."

"Nonsense," Haru assured him. "You are a most honorable wizard. It would be unthinkable not to give these to you. Our house would be forever shamed."

Lucius held his breath as he carefully plucked the socks from their hands with his thumbs and index fingers. "Very well, I accept these…tokens of your admiration." He stood there, holding the socks at arm's length, unsure of what to do next. "Thank you."

"Thank you, Mr. Malfoy," said Ichigo. "And have a very pleasant evening."

The two brothers turned and jogged around the corner. No sooner had they turned said corner than they peeked back around and saw Lucius shudder and fling the socks away. Dobby, smart as they had hoped, caught them before they hit the floor.

"Master has given Dobby socks. Dobby is…free!" The happy elf then disappeared with a sharp "crack!" leaving a stunned Lucius behind.

Lucius stood there blinking for a moment. Then he heaved a great sigh as his shoulders slumped, and he turned and continued on his way – one house elf short.

Omaki: Meanwhile, back in Myrtle's humble domicile…

Draco sighed and checked his watch for what must have been the millionth time. He leaned to peer into the dark pipe again. "Hello? Kurosaki? Other Kurosaki? Can you hear me? Could you maybe hurry it up? I'd like to go to bed sometime tonight. Hello?"