ZA: I don't know what to do with myself anymore. My life is purposefullessness. I can't English anymore.

Crispy: That's odd, considering it's your native language.

ZA: I'm not in school anymore! Leave me alone! I'll just grow mushrooms in my closet!

Crispy: That's my closet!

ZA: Leave me alone!

Crispy: Put down the watering can and come do a chapter with me.

ZA: *sniff* Okay. That sounds fun.

Sal (from Predestination Paradox): Zsugami Alba owns neither Harry Potter nor Bleach. Although, I do like what she's done with my character...s.

ZA: Thank you.

Godric: Sal? Sal, where are you? Hands off, Mordred! I just washed these!

Crispy: SILENCE!

All: …

Crispy: Ahem. On with the chapter.

"English"

"Japanese"

'Thoughts'

Parseltongue

Chapter 28: That's "who" not "whom".

Haru nestled deeper into his comfy bed, pulling the covers over his head to block out the light of the morning sun. 'Ah...summer holidays. No snoring dorm mates, no homework, no early morning classes. Just rest and rela-'

Dada-dadadaDAH! Dada-dadadadaDAH!

"Nooooo, Dad! Not the guitar! It's too early for Trigun! It's summer vacation! Let me sleeeeeeep!"

Thissss world issss made of love and peacccce!

"Et tu, Tatsuo?" Haru whined. "Why did he have to go electric?"

Da-da-DAH! Da-da-DAH! Isshin's new Axe continued to roar, heralding a new day in the Kurosaki household.

Then Haru heard a voice cry out, "Shakkahō!" followed by a Boom!

"Rukia!" shouted Ichigo, "That was my bed!"

"We're being attacked!"

"Calm down! It's just my dad! Now put that glove away!"

Dada- … "Hey! Aw, Karin! Plug Daddy's amp back in!"

Haru stumbled out to the landing to see Karin downstairs, arms crossed and the plug of the amp's cable in her hands. The glare she was aiming at their father was even scarier than Ichigo's bedhead. Speaking of which…

"It's 5:30 in the morning," Ichigo moaned as he shuffled forward, wrapped in his comforter, which appeared to be singed and...smoking?

Haru raised an eyebrow. "Wild night with your girlfriend?"

Isshin stopped pleading with Karin and turned to stare at the two brothers. "Girlfriend? My son has a girlfriend?"

Ichigo glared at Haru. "Now see what you did?"

Isshin rushed up the stairs. "Why am I just hearing about this? How long have you been dating? Is it a forbidden love? Are you going to elope? Is it that Orihime girl?"

"What? No!" Ichigo shouted, leaning away from his eagerly inquisitive father. "I don't have a girlfriend!"

"Is she ugly?" Isshin asked, looking sympathetic. "Is that why you won't acknowledge her in public? You know most girls your age are going through an awkward phase. I'm sure she'll pretty up any day now."

"No!" Ichigo denied, casting a frantic, furtive glance towards his room. "She's not ugly! She's...not my girlfriend!"

Haru turned to share a grin with Karin only to spot her sneaking off with Axe and amp. He hoped she found a good hiding place for them. One heart attack was enough for the holidays.

Isshin was still badgering Ichigo. "She's not your girlfriend because...you're already married? She's your wife! How could you get married without inviting me! You're too young! And I love weddings!"

Rukia stomped out of Ichigo's room, looking thoroughly peeved. Isshin blinked, momentarily shocked at her appearance. Rukia spoke in a low, deceptively calm voice. "You can calm down and have chocolate, or I can use kido to lock you in your room until you can behave like a responsible adult."

"Is this my daughter-in-law? She's positively radiant!" Isshin gushed. "Ichigo, she's not ugly!" he scolded.

Rukia glared at Ichigo, who shrank before her. "I didn't say that! I told him you're not my girlfriend, but he wouldn't listen and kept jumping to crazy conclusions!"

"So I'm not your friend?" Rukia asked, her eyebrow raised.

"Of course you're my friend."

"Then I'm not a girl?" Rukia asked as her eyebrow rose higher.

"How dare you speak that way to your wife," scolded Isshin. "Don't listen to him, daughter-in-law. He doesn't deserve you, but he can change."

Ichigo looked at Rukia. "He's not calming down," he pointed out.

"Right," Rukia nodded. With a few well-placed words and a blast of spirit energy, Isshin was forced into his room, the door slamming shut. She stepped up to the now locked door. "You can stay in there and think about what you did and why it's important to listen to people rather than assuming nonsense."

Yuzu popped her head out from the kitchen. "Who wants pancakes?"

The five kids sat around the table after breakfast, discussing their current predicament.

"I think Dad's suffering from separation anxiety," suggested Yuzu. Everyone stared at her. "I mean, Ichigo's getting older, Haru's in Scotland most of the year...and Ichigo spent a lot of time visiting there this past school term. Dad is just feeling clingy."

Ichigo and Haru looked at each other and then back at Yuzu. "So what do we do?" Ichigo asked.

"Spend more time with him?" said Yuzu.

Ichigo and Haru looked at each other again. "Do you think it's too late to enroll in summer camp?" Haru asked.

Rukia looked puzzled. "What's summer camp?"

Karin rolled her eyes. "It's where kids can go to learn about camping, sing lame songs around the fire, and make hideous crafts out of twigs and macaroni."

"Oh," said Rukia. "So it's like Squad 11's Bonding Weekends?"

"Bonding Weekends?"

"Yes. Yumichika even teaches a class on crafting feathered accessories for your zanpakuto." Ichigo looked mildly horrified.

"At least there's no macaroni," Haru pointed out.

"That's the lieutenant's class," said Rukia. "I've only heard rumors, but I know enough to understand it's best not to delve too deeply into that topic in certain company."

"Riiiiiiight," said Karin. "Regardless, it's too late to go to camp. You'll have to come up with something else."

Everyone sat thinking for a few minutes before Yuzu shouted, "I've got it! You're going on a school trip. Something educational like...a spelling bee! Dad can't interfere with your education."

Haru looked doubtful. "But wouldn't he insist on coming with us?"

"Not if it's too far away. He does have to work, you know," Karin reasoned.

"That could work," said Haru. "We'll need official looking letters and consent forms."

"I can do that," offered Rukia. "Urahara owes me a favor. He should be able to come up with something believable."

Dear Parent or Guardian,

Your child Ichigo Kurosaki has been selected to participate in the National Grammar Rodeo in Seoul, Korea.

"Why is Japan's National Grammar Rodeo in Korea?" Isshin asked.

"Dangit, Urahara," muttered Ichigo. He shot a pleading look at Haru, knowing his little brother was better at thinking on his feet.

"Impartial judges," supplied Haru. "I've got one, too. Now just sign the consent form here...and here...and initial here...and we're on our way to bringing honor to Karakura Town."

Isshin shrugged. "Okay. Hey, do they need chaperones?" he asked hopefully.

"NO!" said all of the kids at once.

"Besides," said Karin, "You have patients to attend to."

'Ahem," interrupted Haru, "Patients to which he must attend. Never end a sentence with a preposition." Everyone stared at him. "What?"

Isshin began to cry. "Oh, Haru! You're all grown up and correcting people's grammar! Like Eliza Dolittle!"

"More like Professor Higgins," muttered Ichigo.

Haru looked at him. "How do you know that movie?"

"How do you know it?" Ichigo countered.

"Hermione."

"Rukia."

Isshin stood in the doorway of the clinic, waving to his two sons as they walked down the street. "Goodbye, my sons! Daddy will miss you! And remember to use wooden hangers for your jackets; it makes them look nice!"

Haru and Ichigo rolled their eyes at each other. "We know, Dad!"

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be! And to thine own selves be true!"

"Do you think he'll get suspicious if we run to the corner?" asked Haru.

"It's not that far," said Ichigo.

"Your point?"

"Race you!"

"Hey!" shouted Haru. "I wasn't ready!" He hurried after his brother, catching up with him as they rounded the corner and disappeared from Isshin's sight.

"So…" said Haru when they had slowed down to a walk again. "Where are we really going?"

"You'll see," said Ichigo. "But first we have to stop and see Mr. Hat and Clogs."

"Mr. Hat and Clogs?" asked Haru. "You can't remember his name, can you?"

"Sure I can," sputtered Ichigo. "It's just a nickname."

"How long a name does this guy have if you're calling him 'Mr. Hat and Clogs' for short?"

"It's not for short. It's...based on his appearance," said Ichigo. "Like, uh…."

"Like when people call you 'Carrot Top' because of your hair?" teased Haru.

Ichigo glared at him. "Yeah, only funnier."

Haru just shook his head and snickered until Ichigo tapped him on the arm and pointed across the street. "There it is. Come on."

Haru looked unimpressed. "That suspicious looking candy shop?"

Ichigo laughed. "It's not nearly as suspicious looking as the owner. Wait until you see the basement." He tugged on Haru's arm, leading him across the street and into the shop.

"Why hello there, Ichigo! What has brought you to my humble establishment?" Haru turned in the direction of the voice and saw a tall man dressed in green and sporting a fan in one hand and a cane in the other. And, oh yes, he was wearing a hat and clogs.

"So you're Mr. Hat and Clogs," guessed Haru.

The man smiled sadly and shook his head. "Ichigo, did you forget my name again? Tut tut. After all we've been through. Those delightful hours of me chasing you around my basement with a sword and tossing you into holes. Did it all mean nothing to you?"

Haru took a step back towards the entrance. "I thought this was a candy shop."

Ichigo shrugged. "Yeah, but he also sells contraband to members of the Soul Society."

"What sort of contraband?" asked Haru.

"Bodies, modified souls, cake...the usual stuff," said Ichigo.

Haru looked slightly green. "Please tell me we're here for the cake."

Mr. Hat and Clogs laughed and came forward. "I'm Kisuke Urahara, and you are most definitely not here for the cake." He turned to Ichigo. "Taking your brother on a field trip? I assume you're needing an illegal senkaimon."

Haru's stared at them both with wide eyes. "Illegal?" he squeaked.

"Relax, little brother," said Ichigo. "I have authorization." He held up a wooden pentagon the size of his hand with a weird skull symbol on it. "I just don't know how to create my own portal. I was never very good at arts and crafts."

"Riiiiiiight," said Haru. "Is it safe?"

"Safer than floo powder or apparition," said Urahara. "Don't worry. I promise a nice, smooth ride. Just stay clear of the cleaner. Wouldn't want you disintegrated on your first trip."

Ichigo's eyebrows rose as Haru actually stepped behind him and clung to his arm just the way he used to when he was a toddler. Haru looked up at Ichigo with a serious expression. "If anything happens to me, Dad will kill you."

Ichigo laughed. "Duly noted. Just stay close and follow my lead."

"Come down to the basement," said Urahara. "I've got everything all set up for you."

'There's absolutely no way this is legal,' thought Haru. 'It defies the laws of physics.'

The ceiling was painted a sky blue, complete with clouds. The landscape consisted of dirt, dirt, rocks, and dead trees. And there seemed to be no walls whatsoever. Just miles and miles of wasteland. Directly ahead, Haru spotted what looked like a giant, grey, decoupaged picture frame. "I'm beginning to understand your 'arts and crafts' comment," he said. "How much glue did that take?"

"Glue?" asked Urahara. "No glue. Just...science."

"Secret, genetically engineered wasp army?" Haru guessed.

Urahara looked confused, an expression Ichigo had never seen on his face before. "Why wasps?"

"Uh...because it looks sort of like paper?" said Haru.

"It does?" Urahara looked at the structure as if seeing it for the first time. "Huh. I never noticed that before. Well, time to send you on your merry way. Have fun! Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "That's not a very long list."

"Then it should be easy to remember!" replied Urahara.

Urahara and his mustachioed assistant knelt down on either side of the structure and channeled their spirit energy into it from the bottom corners. The center glowed until all of Haru's vision was flooded with white light. The next thing he knew, Ichigo was yanking him through and into a dark tunnel, running at full tilt. "Hurry!" Ichigo shouted. "We don't have much time before it closes!"

The two brothers ran down the tunnel, which folded in on itself as they passed through, until they reached another door of bright light. They jumped through, and suddenly they were no longer on solid ground. They had exited the tunnel directly into the sky and were now hurtling towards the ground at a frightening speed. 'It's like attempting a Wronski feint without a broom!' thought Haru. 'This is gonna hurt.' BAM! 'Yep, I was right. That hurt.'

"Next time we are so taking a portkey," Haru moaned out loud. "I don't care how you do it, just make it happen." He stood up and looked over at Ichigo to find his brother folded up like a pretzel. "Huh. So that's what Orihime was talking about when she said you were the master of artistic landings."

"Shut up, and give me a hand," complained Ichigo.

Haru laughed and complied. 'Not a bad start to an adventure. Well, unless you're Ichigo.'