Chapter 37AE
'Doggy Style'
'Ripped from the Headlines'
'Raiders of the Lost Sith' - Part I
'Road to Yavin 4'
'Raiders of the Lost Jedi Temple of Doom and the Holocron Crystal Crusade'
'Gullible Travels Plus Three Guinea'
The day of Anakin's departure for Yavin 4 arrives. Isabel prepares a full breakfast for her husband. He reads the morning paper; delivered on time by his excellent paperboy, Arnold Celchuk and handed to him by Old Hobson the butler.
"Good morning, Sir. Your paper has arrived."
"Good morning, Hobson. Thank you."
"A lovely day for a space trip, Sir."
"That remains to be seen, Hobson."
"Be cheerful sir, our revels now are ended."
"What?"
"Will there be anything else, Sir?"
"Not unless you can alter time, speed up this trip or teleport me to a quiet beach away from this family."
"Oh, I don't believe I can manage that, Sir. That's quite out of my realm of expertise, you see sir, I am only a servant. Can I get you another breakfast pastry or poached egg, Sir?"
"No, thank-you, Hobson. I'm fine."
"Very good, Sir." He bows then slowly walks away.
'What's The News Across The Space Station/We Have Got The Information/In A Way We Hope Will Amuse- You…'
Everything is right with the Core World. Events in the past couple of weeks have led to justice for the Dark Lord. His legal team has successfully sued HoloNet Communications, its CEO Wes Reddenfield, and Ultana Anya. The case never got to a jury of their peers. The judge closes the case in a matter of days. It is front-page news. Anakin has special plans for others involved in the scathing libelous actions against his character.
Anakin sets the paper aside then looks across the table at his wife as they sit on the terrace. Migrating songbirds roost in the lemon trees around them.
"Wow, look at this breakfast. So, are you trying to tell me you're going to miss me around here?"
"Of course I'll miss you. The house will be dead without you milling about or holed up in your den. I'll be here all alone. Speaking of which, I hope Kris is okay. I sent him a card. He must be having a good time because I haven't heard from him since the last letter he wrote wanting to come home."
"I'm sure he's fine. He has made the adjustment away from home. Stop worrying. And it's not a den, it's my study."
"Is pod racing and off-planetary betting a course of study?"
"Listen, woman, don't be smug about things you don't understand." He flashes a mischievous smile then shields his face with his newspaper hoping that his wife does not hurl a grapefruit at his head.
"On second thought, I might enjoy being home alone, 'Mister smart mouth'."
"Hey, Ana-Lena's home all summer. You two can go shopping and spend all my hard-earned money."
"She's spending the daytime at the retirement home reading to the elderly."
Anakin lowers the newspaper.
"You're joking, right?"
"No. I thought she told you. She signed up for it in school."
"No, I never knew. Why didn't she tell me?"
"She wanted to prove that she is a responsible and caring teenager."
"Is she still talking about becoming an emancipated teenager?"
"I think she only said that to see how you would react."
"If she's not still angry, perhaps she'll stop by to see me off this morning."
"Of course she will."
"Oh, good; for a moment, I thought I would have to bribe her with emancipation documents." He reads his paper again.
"Will you stop it with the emancipation nonsense? All of the children will miss having you around. Trust me."
"What about you? What will you do without me for two weeks?"
"Oh, I have plans."
Anakin stops reading the paper.
"You're not telling me? Is this something you're hiding from me with the help of the 'holy roller ghosts'?"
"You'll have to wait and find out."
"Who's helping you? Ayala? Qui-Gon? Mace? It can't be Ki-Adi Mundi, he's totally unreliable."
"Stop asking me! I am not telling you. I can't see them anymore anyway."
"Someone is helping you. Whatever you're cooking up, it's going to suck; I know it. Where's my dog?" He looks under the table. As he speaks, Ana-Lena walks out onto the terrace with Skippy in her arms. Anakin is horrified. Ana=Lena is oblivious to the bemused expression on his face.
"Good morning, Daddy."
"It's not good anymore. What did you do to my dog?"
"What do you mean?"
"He's wearing a bib…and his nails…are blue!"
"I think it looks cute."
"No it doesn't! It looks dumb! Don't feed him at the table, he'll start expecting handouts!"
"Relax, Daddy. I'm feeding him doggy-safe food."
"That's not the point! It's my dog."
"It's the family's dog."
"Since when?"
"Since he got sick the night of that holovid interview. You let him have a sandwich. That was a clear sign of neglect. My poor Skipperly." She cuddles the dog. Skippy is shamelessly enjoying the attention. He lies cradled in her arms. Anakin is on the defensive.
"I never gave him any…he took it when I wasn't looking!"
"Well, I'm taking care of him now."
"Isabel! Fix this!"
"Ana-Lena, give the dog back to your father."
"God! He's such a whiner! Here!"
Anakin takes his dog. He examines Skippy's paws and cringes at the blue nail color.
"This is a disgrace. Isabel, you need to watch him while I'm away." Anakin removes the bib from Skippy's neck. Isabel placates her husband.
"Yes, Dear."
"You're not just saying that just to appease me, are you?"
"No, Anakin. Skippy will be fine. Everyone loves him."
Anakin holds the dog while reading the paper. Skippy takes bites out of it. Anakin hears a strange musical sound at the table. It is the 'ROTJ Victory Celebration' tune. Ana-Lena answers her phone.
"Hello…Hey, Pep, what's up?...Of course…" She sees her father staring at her. "Gotta go, Pep….yeah…the 'Dark Lord' is hovering." She hangs up.
"What did I tell you about using the phone at the table?"
"It was rude. I apologize."
"Maybe I should cancel this trip. You kids are straying from the rules. This family is falling apart!"
Isabel intervenes.
"Okay, I will handle it. Anakin, you will leave on that trip today. I will get things back in order." She looks across the table at Ana-Lena. "In the meantime, Ana-Lena, talk to your father. I am going inside for a few minutes. I want some meaningful dialogue between the two of you before I return." She leaves the table.
There is a long silence at the breakfast table. Anakin puts down his torn newspaper. He lets Skippy run around the garden while he finds something 'meaningful' to say to his daughter.
"So…how are things at the retirement home?"
"Great. But that place is so quiet."
"Isn't it supposed to be quiet?"
"Yes, but not dead."
"You're reading to them, what more do you need?"
"I was thinking of starting a dance class, you know, the salsa, the cha-cha, the 'Death Star Hustle' …"
Anakin interrupts her.
"…The lawsuit…if someone breaks a hip! I'm the one who's going to get blamed. It's a retirement home. Those people are retired from dancing, walking…"
Ana-Lena interrupts her father.
"Daddy, those people are full of life; especially the ones who are able-bodied. They need activity. Weren't you in a similar situation during the war?"
"Listen, what happened to me has nothing to do with those old people. As long as their hearts are pumping, they have activity."
"You don't mean that, Daddy. I can make a difference. I can bring joy to the life of a person who is all alone in the galaxy. Are you going to support my vision?"
Anakin sees he is in a losing argument. 'Norma Ray Shields' is rearing her defiant head once more. He does not want to discuss philosophical issues or take a trip down 'Memory Lane of the SITH' with his daughter. He remains calm as he answers her question.
"Sure I am sweet pea. How much is this 'vision' going to cost me?"
"Oh, about 500,000 credits. Pepper-Ann's dad said he would put in half. That's why she was calling me."
Anakin's eyes widen. He refuses to allow the father of one of Ana-Lena's space cadet friends outshine him where money is concerned.
"Half, eh? Half of what? I can do better than that. Get 'Chili Pepper' back on the phone! If her old man is pitching in 500,000 credits then so can I. It's the least I could do before I head out of town."
"Oh, Daddy, you're the best. I'm going to miss you. This is the best thing you've ever done for me!"
"What's that? Send a few dozen centenarians to an early grave?"
"I'm going to treat you the same way when you're that age. You'll thank me."
"Dancing my way to the grave is not the way I want to go. Don't worry about me. I'll go peacefully surrounded by my family as they wait to disconnect my life support and checking accounts."
"Oh, Daddy, stop it! We'll all be devastated when you die but happy that you lived a fulfilling life."
Alex and Li-An arrive home. They immediately help themselves to breakfast from the silver chafing dishes. Hobson barely lifts s finger. The boys join their father at the table.
"Good morning Hobson."
"Good morning, Master Li-An, Master Alex."
Hobson bows then walks away. Li-An slaps his father on the back and smiles.
"Hey Dad!"
Anakin picks up his newspaper again. It is a tattered mess. Pieces drop onto his breakfast plate. He has to shield himself from these creatures. This is his only protection.
"Good morning. Is this laundry day?"
Li-An changes the subject.
"Can't you accept that your children just want to see you before you ship off on your vacation?"
"Traveling with Han is not a vacation."
Alex tilts his head as he tries to read the torn front-page of the Coruscant Times.
"Fom…Emp….Detain…Hey, Dad, your paper is all torn up."
"I see that my hard-earned money is being put to good use at that university…can't put anything past you."
"So, do we own HoloNet News, Dad?"
"'We?' You don't own anything."
Li-An pulls something from his pocket and slips it across the table to his father.
"Oh, before you leave, here's your inoculation data card. You rushed out of my office before I could give it to you."
"I know I've been inoculated. I don't need a data card." Anakin slides it back across the table.
Li-An stops eating for a moment to tell everyone about Anakin's visit to the walk-in clinic to receive his shots.
"Guys, you should have seen Dad cowering when I was about to give him his travel inoculations."
Everyone laughs at Anakin.
"I was not cowering. By the way, whatever happened to doctor-patient confidentiality? You took an oath, you hypocrite. And I was 'NOT' cowering."
"Sure you weren't. By the way…the correct term is 'Hippocratic Oath'"
"I don't care! You kept sticking me!"
"Dad! The procedure is the same for anyone travelling to a high-risk area. You behaved worse than a five-year old."
Ana-Lena grins.
"Are you afraid of needles, Daddy?"
"That's not the point!"
"Really, Daddy? Ha-haa-ha!"
"You know what I mean. Anyway, I have great misgivings about this trip."
Alex sneaks a piece of toast under the table to Skippy.
"Aw, come on; you two will have a blast. Two sidekicks away on adventure, it's going to be great!"
"Yes, I suppose there will be some kicking. Stop feeding the dog!"
Luke arrives.
"Good morning, everyone."
"Where's that wife of yours? I'm surprised she's not here for breakfast."
"She's having breakfast at her parent's. Hey, Dad; Mara wants to know if you'll change HoloNet News to an all-entertainment network now that you own it. She's waiting for some decent programing."
"Who is spreading these rumors?"
"That's the word on the street. It's in all the papers! Biggs heard all about it. He has some late night programming ideas to pitch to you."
"Tell Biggs to keep his day job. I saw his stint on that reality show. Tell him to shave off that bad porn mustache and there might still be hope for him."
"I am not telling him that. Dad, it's time to leave. Why are you dawdling?"
"Luke, I am trying to have a peaceful breakfast."
Ana-Lena sips her orange juice.
"He's had breakfast already."
Anakin looks at his youngest daughter.
"I thought you needed my help with this geriatric disco idea."
"You'll only be away for a couple of weeks. It can wait."
"Oh…why am I being pushed out of the house?"
Luke walks over to Anakin and massages his father's shoulders then slaps him on the back.
"Come on, Daddy-o, let's go. Put down that ripped up newspaper. Han is waiting downstairs. I loaded your gear."
"Where?"
"In the cruiser. I'm dropping you guys off at the Yavin 4 Spaceport. They don't allow too many ships to that part of Yavin 4. The spaceport is small and we're trying to avoid creating a carbon footprint on such a pristine part of the planet. You'll have a skiff take you to the remote area where you'll ultimately land."
"This trip sucks already."
Li-An smiles.
"Stay positive, Dad."
"Okay; I'm positive it will suck."
Ana-Lena smiles and touches his new pale-green oxford cloth shirt.
"Ooh, Daddy, you look so rugged. Like a real adventure-seeker."
Anakin shrugs away from her. He bats her hands away.
"Okay, everybody stop touching me. I'm getting the feeling I'm being rushed out of the house. Something is going on; I can feel it."
Luke laughs as his siblings converge on their Dark Lord father.
"Come on, Dad. It's boarding time."
Everyone accompanies Anakin downstairs to the docking bay. Isabel arrives and hands him a box. Han stands at the door of the cruiser. There is a big smirk on his face.
"Ready, pal?"
Anakin grumbles as she sees Han.
"I can't 'effing' believe this." He musters a smile pretending to be happy to see Han. "Hello, Han." Anakin turns to his children. "Well, kids. I'm leaving. I've already signed my will so it's too late to get all chummy with me now."
Ana-Lena hugs her father as she holds Skippy.
"Bye, Daddy. I'll miss you."
"Don't humiliate my dog. Clean that crap off his nails."
"He'll be fine. I bought the coolest doggy purse when I take him to the retirement home. I've registered him as a therapy dog."
"Oh, God! No! No! No! Where's your mother?" Anakin looks worried.
Li-An embraces his father and salutes him.
"May the Force be with you, Father."
"Yeah…"
Alex shakes his father's hand.
"Bon Voyage, Dad. Thanks for the new guitar. It's sweet!"
"Well, you deserved it. Get out of here. Shoo!"
Isabel walks over to Anakin and kisses him.
"I'll miss you."
"I'll miss you more." He gives his wife a passionate kiss. The kids start a series of whistles and howls. Alex yells to them as he heads up the steps to the house.
"Get a room! Kids are present!"
Anakin ignores them and waves everyone away. He stares into the eyes of his wife.
"Miss me a lot, okay?"
"Always."
"I love you."
Han interrupts.
"Ahem…ready, lover boy?"
Anakin bats his hand in Han's direction. Han hits his head on the door and then looks up at the clearance.
"Oww! This door opening was a lot higher when I first boarded." He rubs his head then enters the ship.
Luke waits on the ramp for his father. He knows what Anakin did to Han.
"Really, Dad? The trip hasn't even started yet."
"What? I'm ready." He winks at Isabel. She waves goodbye.
"Anakin, be nice to Han."
"What?"
"I said be nice…"
"I can't hear you!" He makes a gesture pointing to his ears. "I'll bring back something nice for you!"
Luke boards last and waves to Isabel as she steps away from the craft. He shakes his head and shrugs. He knows that his father is incorrigible.
Luke, Anakin, and Han take off for Yavin 4. Anakin offers to pilot the cruiser. Luke defers to his father who is the best pilot in the past 50 years. Han sits behind Luke in the cockpit. He watches as Anakin flips on the controls then leans forward between the two pilot seats to get a better look.
"This is a beautiful ship, Luke. Must have set you back a few million credits."
"I got a good deal on it."
"Sweet ride. Let me know when you need me to take over the controls. You might want to get some sleep."
Anakin interrupts.
"I've got it. Why don't you just hang your head out the window?"
"That wouldn't be safe mid-flight at warp speed. I would get sucked out of the ship!"
"No, it wouldn't." Anakin turns his head and looks at Han. A fiendish grin creeps across his face.
Han leans back in his chair. He thought Anakin was through tormenting him after the birth of Jacen and Jaina. Leia promised him it would stop.
"So, is this how it's going to be the entire trip?"
"I don't know what you're talking about." Anakin flips a switch on the control panel and enters the coordinates as they exit Core Worlds air space.
Han tries to find things to do while onboard the ship. He notices the box that Isabel had given to her husband. Han reaches for it.
"Hey, aren't you going to open your gift?"
"Don't worry about it. Lay one finger on that box and I'll kill you."
"You know, you could be a lot nicer on this trip."
"This is me being nice. I won't give you a warning next time."
Anakin and Luke have some father-son conversation. Luke hints to his father that Han should take part in the conversation, especially since they will be alone as soon as he drops them off at the spaceport on Yavin 4. Anakin watches as Han pretends to be asleep in the cabin.
Anakin gets up and walks over to his son-in-law.
"So, Han, do you know where we're heading once we get into the jungle?"
"Yeah, I know a pilot who will take us from the village to the edge of the river."
"Is he reliable?"
"Of course he is. I've known him for years since my days as a spice runner."
"Is that what they call it these days?"
"Hey, I made an honest living back then."
"Sure you did. So where is this adventure going to lead us, Mister 'Know-it-all'?"
"It's a treasure hunt."
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, I didn't tell you? It's a theme."
"A theme? So the organizer of this shindig sends us on a scavenger hunt to find junk they've planted in the jungle for gullible travelers."
"Why are you so cynical when I come up with a good idea?"
"I'll tell you why, because all of your good ideas always mean trouble for me."
"I could say the same thing about you, pal."
Luke hears the two men quibbling.
"Hey, guys, you had better play nice because once I drop you off, you're on your own."
Anakin rolls his eyes and mocks Luke.
"Yes, Mother!" He smirks. Han laughs.
"Old mother hen, Luke. He's always looking out for his dad."
Anakin frowns. "Don't laugh at my son."
They arrive at the Yavin 4 Intergalactic Spaceport shortly after dawn the next day. The luggage is transferred to a shuttle. Luke waves goodbye to his father and Han.
It is a short ride into the village where they settle at a small rustic hotel. Anakin scans the small room; it is definitely 'rustic'. Owen's dump on Tatooine is a palace compared to this place. The porter is a village local who stands in the doorway smiling.
"Welcome to Hacienda Pikachu. Happy Day, Señor."
Anakin stares at the man as he tries to close the door. Han looks out the window.
"He wants a tip."
"Oh…why didn't you give him a tip when we walked in here?"
"I wanted you to look like the big shot…'Dad'"
Anakin hands the porter some money. The porter tips his hat and leaves. Anakin closes the door and looks around. It is clean but less than what he was expecting.
"I thought we were staying in a four-star hotel."
"This is the four-star hotel." Han throws himself on the bed closest to the window.
"So this is why I went to Li-An for all those inoculations?"
"You won't catch anything here. That's for the jungle."
"Looks as if we're in the jungle already…charming."
"Listen, your Darkness, I made a lot of sacrifices to make this trip happen. I left my wife and kids behind for two weeks so I can form this bond with you."
"I didn't ask for this! I'm stuck here in a crappy hotel on some goofy, half-baked adventure with you!"
"Will you relax? We're on an expedition. Start getting enthusiastic. We're not going to spend all our time in hotels for the next couple of weeks."
"Well let's get this show on the road so we can expedite ourselves off this rock."
"You go ahead and whine. I'm gonna get some shuteye. We have a long day tomorrow."
Han was not joking.
'The Day the Skiff Stood Still'
Charting along the 'Map of Doom' takes the duo of the small town to a mountainous area. Their gear is tied to an eopie-like pack animal. The beast looks as if it will collapse under the cargo at any minute. The temperature is a sweltering 35 degrees Celsius. Han appears to do all of the talking with the trackers. Anakin prefers to sulk. He is not encouraged by the trip thus far. They stop at the edge of a river where a water skiff is waiting. Anakin stares at the craft. It is an outdated model from 62BBY. Anakin assumes this is the reason he had all of those inoculations. He relives the moment he was left in the hands of his second 'Number One' son.
Li-An administers a series of 12 injections. Anakin's arm was numb all day, plus the one injection in the posterior, which he truly did not believe was necessary. It was intended to humiliate him; he is certain of it. The injection sites were inflamed with pain for a week. He thought he was dying. Isabel spent every night that week applying cold compresses and ice packs on his arm. His complaining tested her patience to the point that she threatened to smother him with a pillow if he did not stop. Magically, the complaining ceased and they both got a good nights' sleep.
Now he is standing on the edge of a mosquito-infested river about to board a dilapidated craft that may not take flight. A more terrifying thought was that the rickety craft would take off only to plunge back to the ground. He does not want to go to his death this way and he definitely does not want to see Han Solo in the after-life. Suddenly, he hears Han's voice.
"Okay, we're on. See? I told you I know people." He introduces Anakin to their pilot for the day. "This is my friend Jock."
Jock is another scruffy-looking nerfherder type like Han. His age is deceiving due to his unshaven face and uncombed hair, but Anakin places him between Han's age and his own.
Jock grins and extends his sunburnt right hand to Anakin's smooth hand and well-manicured nails.
"So you're Leia's old man. She couldn't stop talkin' about you! It's an honor. Put it there, Pal!" Jock engages in a hearty handshake.
"Oh…uhm…okay…Jock." Anakin is still distracted by the rusted skiff-hydra craft and not in a good way. "So, is this contraption going to take us where we need to go?"
""Ol' Lucy's looks have faded but she performs where it counts!" He slaps the fuselage beaming like a proud father. The craft makes an unsettling creaking sound. Anakin waits for a bolt or other crucial part of the skiff to fall into the water.
"Where's that? The skiff retirement hangar?"
Jock does not hear Anakin's remark. He is too busy leading Han to the craft to board. Anakin takes the seat in the back. Han sits directly behind Jock. The skiff takes off with some resistance as if an arrester cable is pulling it back. Anakin turns and watches the cargo shifts to the rear of the craft. He rolls his eyes and secures his hat onto his head.
The flight is about 20 minutes to the jungle. This is twenty minutes too long in Anakin's mind.
They sputter to a stop. Jock drops them off at the edge of the jungle along with one small carton of survival rations and tools plus one small rucksack. Anakin watches as the carton lands with a thud on the tall muddy grass. Anakin looks at the carton.
"Hey, where's he going with all our stuff?"
"Oh, he's taking it to our camp site. It will lighten the load when he comes back for us. This stuff here is just for today."
"What if we don't make it off this swamp today?"
Jock can be heard laughing on his way back to the skiff. Anakin has a mind to Force-choke the laughing nexu save for the fact that he has no idea where he is. Jock waves and takes off again.
The two are not alone for long. They hear some people talking in the distance. It is a group of about five men from the village and some native trackers. They are speaking in a dialect different from the porter at the 'Dusty Service Motel'. Luckily, Han is able to communicate with the leader Satipo who also speaks Basic. Han speaks a little of the local language. This is probably a good time for Threepio to be around to provide an accurate translation. For all Anakin knows, this band of villagers could be offering him and Han up to the Massassi Gods for dinner.
"So what are we looking for, Han?"
"The lost Jedi Temple…No one has ever found it….not even the Jedi…imagine that. They have all of these mystical spells and psychic abilities yet they haven't found this place."
"There is no lost Jedi Temple. The ancient temple in the Jedi Journals was found and destroyed by the Sith."
"Legion has it that there was another, more important temple, built in this Sector. It was one of the first settlements by the Jedi. It was built for the very reason you point out. It seems this was the place to hide secrets from the Sith. I suppose it's okay to tell you about it since you're all clean and reformed after turning away from the dark side."
"Gee, thanks, Han. You brought me all the way out here to let me know you trust me about some fictional place from 4,000 years ago? This is a big game to you, isn't it? Well, I'm not amused. I'm going home!"
Anakin angrily storms away from Han and the waiting group of trackers and heads through the thick brush towards the river.
"Where are you going?"
"To hail a taxi! Where do you think I'm going? I'm looking for your goofy pirate buddy to fly me out of here!"
"Jock is gone. You might as well stay put. We'll stop for lunch and continue on to locate this temple."
"Why is this so important to you? Is this Leia's way of getting me to bond with you? She's been trying for years and it hasn't stuck yet. I was okay to go along with this fantasy for awhile but my sense of humor and sense of adventure is gone."
"Listen, my dad and I used to go on these archeological digs since I was a kid…"
"Well, I'm not your dad, and I am not bonding with you."
"Okay, but you won't be disappointed. There is a lot of truth to what I am telling you. There is stuff hidden in this jungle. Let's at least have a little fun."
Anakin is not happy about being stranded in the middle of the jungle, especially when he is not in control. However, if he returns home now, everyone, including his wife will be disappointed that he did not at least try to enjoy this trip with Han. He walks in a circle then takes a deep breath.
"Fine!" He calms down a bit and opens the map. "So what's this map going to tell us?"
"It will tell us where the temple is and we'll figure a way to enter it."
"And Chico, Ixtapa, and Pepe are going to let us live once we do?"
"They don't care about trinkets and old relics. We pay them; they're happy."
"Aha…Why don't I feel any better about that? They're carrying spears."
"Trust me." Han turns to Satipo, the lead tracker. "What is it?"
Anakin keeps a watchful eye on the primitive-looking trackers. The men regard him with suspicion.
'El hombre con el pelo dorado está enojado. Que hace que la tierra con su furia temblor'
'Él tiene el espíritu de Ayar Cachi.'
'Él nos está mirando. Sonrisa y ola a él'
Some of the men appear afraid. Han turns to the men. The lead tracker smiles nervously as he approaches Han and speaks.
"Everything okay, Boss?"
Han reassures Satipo.
"Sí, estamos seguros." He repeats himself so the other trackers hear him. "Estamos seguros!"
Anakin whispers to Han.
"What are they saying? Are they talking about me?"
"They said you look enthusiastic about the trip."
"Why do they keep saying 'Air Catchy'? Is something wrong with the air?"
Satipo smiles at Anakin and laughs nervously. He lies to him.
"The men say you are 'Ayar Cachi' señor. You are excited…full of fire! Heheh…"
Anakin does not believe him. He whispers to Han.
"What are they really saying about me?"
"You need to relax."
"They said that?"
"No! I'm saying it! I've got this…Okay?"
"Fine…I'm calm. I can do calm."
They continue for an hour before taking a break. Han distributes some of the rations to the trackers as a sign of good will so they do not turn on him and Anakin. The trackers keep a safe distance from the two outsiders. Anakin watches as the men form a circle and begin chanting as they anoint one another with colorful painted symbols. They even anoint the pack animal. Anakin drinks from his water bottle and then whispers to Han.
"What are they doing, singing campfire songs?"
"No, but they do believe some mystical energy field controls their destiny. They're not going any further until they protect themselves from whatever lies within this part of the jungle."
"Which is probably nothing."
After half an hour, they continue onward. Satipo walks ahead of Anakin and Han but behind the other trackers. He turns to Han.
"Okay, Boss. It's close."
Han checks his map then stuffs it inside his pocket.
"How close?"
"Very, very close, Señor."
Anakin and Han follow as two lead trackers clear an overgrowth of tall grasses. Han has a better idea where they are heading and takes the lead. He is excited as he moves faster, passing the trackers.
"This is it!"
Anakin follows. They arrive at a monolith, barely visible to an inexperienced person walking through this jungle. A tangled mesh of vines, several inches thick, covers the wall. The trackers begin hacking away at the vines using sickles and machetes, Each vine falls to the jungle floor with a loud 'whoosh' sound. After nearly thirty minutes, an entrance is visible. Han grabs the flashlight from his utility bag. A large spider funnel-shaped web covers the entrance. Satipo swallows nervously contemplating the size of the web's creator. Han turns to Satipo.
"Satipo, you and the trackers stay here."
"Okay, Boss. Looks scary."
Han secures his hat as he disappears past the dark entrance. Anakin is close behind him. There is a long walkway, which leads to a large room. Holocron crystal wall sconces illuminate the room. Anakin looks down at the stone floor. It is covered with dirt and dead leaves. It also creaks with every footstep. Anakin tests the floor for durability.
"This floor does not look stable."
Han turns and watches him.
"Well, if it isn't, you're not helping by dancing on it."
'…The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune'
They continue walking from the room to another path. This walkway is lined with faded holograms of ancient Jedi Knights. The monuments appear to fade in and out for some reason that Anakin cannot identify. He does not recognize any of the figures. Han barely recognizes the monuments and is far ahead of Anakin. Perhaps he does not see them at all. The figures seem to make eye contact with Anakin. He figures it is just a trick of the holocron lighting. He blinks a few times to adjust his eyes to the room. A gust of wind mysteriously clears away debris around his feet to reveal a shiny black granite floor. The floor is a stark contrast to the primitive stone surroundings and exterior. Han smiles as he reaches an altar. Anakin catches up to Han.
"What are you doing?"
Han answers Anakin without turning around.
"Do you know what this is?"
"Yes, and I don't think we should mess with it."
"But this is a great find. It's a gateway to the Jedi history…Answers to the galaxy."
"I have a bad feeling about this place. It was sealed up for a reason."
"It's old and has possible historic value but there's no hocus pocus mystique about it."
"Han, you love to live haphazardly. I say, let's get out of here."
"Listen, I thought you'd be excited about studying a dump like this. Listen, I don't subscribe to all this voodoo Jedi mind trick stuff, but even I like a good mystery."
"Han, even I know when to leave well enough alone. This place was hidden and abandoned for a reason. Besides, I'm starving. That snack we had earlier didn't do a thing to stave off my hunger. I haven't had a decent meal on this rock since I left home."
"Relax…you should be enjoying this."
"Not if we could die."
"Han focuses his attention to the blue holocron octagon globe as it rests on a pedestal of the altar. He gages the weight at 2 kg. He holds a loose tile from the altar floor next to the globe before quickly switching the two items. Anakin has been surprisingly quiet. It happened that something has caught his eye on the other side of the room. He stands at a font. After thousands of years, the font is still filled to the brim with crystal-clear water. A blue light glows from the bottom. Anakin stares into the font. He is looking at a holocron tablet with a message written on it in Ancient Basic. It foretells the birth of a child and gives the coordinates of the event. He lifts it from the font, his fingers dripping with water as he reads the text. He does not hear Han calling him.
"Hey! Your Lordship! Let's go!"
Anakin slips the tablet in his rucksack. As Anakin turns to join Han, the water in the font drains into the inset were the tablet had lain. The walls of the temple begin to rumble and the font sinks into the floor. The ominous rumbling grows louder hinting an urgency to make a quick exit. The walls begin to close in on them. Han is already racing to get out. Anakin is close behind. The ceiling lowers, forcing the two men to lurch forward. The structure appears to be imploding around them. They are heading for the entrance hall when they see Satipo on the other side close to the exit. Han hurls the whip across the floor hoping to latch onto one of the remaining pillars. He misses. He calls to Satipo.
"Throw me the whip!"
"Through me the tablet, I'll throw you the whip!"
"What tablet?"
Han's perplexed expression is not gaining him any time.
"What are you waiting for?"
Satipo is not giving up the whip. As he stubbornly bargains for the tablet, Anakin pulls out his lightsaber.
"I can't believe that any mystical energy field controls us!"
A wall starts to separate Han and Anakin from the outside forever. Anakin aims the lightsaber at the 4-foot opening. It is closing fast. The blade aims upwards towards Satipo, slicing off his right arm. The limb tumbles to the floor at the edge of the void across from where Han is laying. Anakin sails through the opening on his belly as Satipo is yelling. He is half in shock at the sight of his severed arm tumbling to the floor and anger that someone bested him.
"Ahhhhhhhhh! You crazy Gringo! You took my arm!"
Anakin reaches the other side dragging Han with him. By this time, Satipo is on his knees bawling.
Anakin jumps to his feet.
"You had it coming. You pissed me off! No one pisses me off and gets away with it. Come on; get up if you want to live!"
"Satipo holds his wound and races ahead of Anakin screaming in the Massassi language to the other trackers.
Han has scrapes and bruises but is otherwise unharmed in his close brush with death. They continue towards the exit and discover that Satipo has not gotten far... One of the many booby-traps is a holocron activated trigger. It is loaded with at least 50 poison darts, impaling the turncoat tracker. Anakin is at a loss for words.
"Oops!"
Han looks at the lasting expressing on Satipo's face. The tracker's mouth is agape and his eyes bulge as if surprised by something horrific. He is furious as he turns to Anakin.
"That was our lead tracker! We're gonna have one hell of a time making it out of this jungle alive! You didn't have to kill him!"
Han can now walk without help now that they are close to the exit. Anakin barks back.
"I didn't kill him, I just cut off his arm…and YOU'RE welcome!" He mocks Han as they head towards the exit.
"After I saved his sorry ass, all he cares about is, 'Where's the whip? Hand me the whip! Throw me the whip!' Oooh, this trip is getting worse every 'effing' minute."
They hear a rumbling sound. Anakin looks up.
"What's that noise?"
"It's not the Coco Town Metro! RUN! Where's my whip?"
"Are you serious?"
"They run for their lives as 2-ton boulder rolls directly above them. They do not stop until they see sunlight, stumbling over a mound of dead leaves and broken lianas.
Just as everything appears calm, crowds of tribesmen emerge from the dense jungle along with the remaining trackers. They pursue Han and Anakin towards the river. Jock is watching from inside the aqua skiff. The hatch is open.
"Hey, I think they're shootin' at us."
Han covers his head as he runs towards the skiff.
"No kiddin,' Professor!"
Anakin turns to look at the tribesmen. They are hurling burning arrows.
"Are those fire arrows? I hate this trip already! I really do!"
Han yells at him.
"Get on the skiff!"
The men scramble onboard the skiff. Han sits behind Jock. Arrows and darts at pelting the rusty craft as it begins to liftoff from the water. They catch their breath as they settle in their seats, relieved to be out of danger. All is not well onboard the craft either. Han looks between his feet. The color disappears from his face.
"Jock! There's a snake on the skiff!"
"That's my snake, Reggie!"
"I hate snakes, Jock! I hate 'em!"
Anakin wonders what all the fuss is about then smiles.
"Oh, Han, I forgot…you were looking for this!" He hurls the whip over Han's shoulder. Han jumps in his seat and hits his head on the retractable hood of the skiff. Anakin laughs hysterically. Han is not amused as he turns in his seat to face Anakin.
"Not funny! Not funny at all!"
Anakin smiles and sinks comfortably in his seat.
"I'm starting to enjoy this trip now."
'I Can't Believe I Ate the Whole Thing'
The next day has more in store for the traveling duo. They are back in the village until midday after breakfast. Han watches as Anakin gobbles down the local breakfast special 'Empanadas Cuy de Huacho'. He does not have the nerve to tell Anakin what he is eating. Especially after he warns the Dark Lord that he may not like what is on the menu. Anakin ignores him. Han sits and watches him eat. It serves him right, after pulling that stunt with the whip onboard the skiff. He has it coming. It's a good thing Threepio was not with them to translate or else the moment would have been spoiled for Han…in more ways than one.
The Dark Lord is happy and at peace this morning. It is almost adorable how happy he is. Han is determined to keep it this way. Han examines the map for their next destination. He is quietly enjoying the little secret but Han cannot leave well enough alone.
"Happy, Sport?"
"Yeah…this place isn't the dive I thought it was going to be. You're eating light this morning. Papaya fruit salad and coffee? You usually eat like a nexu."
"All that running gave me an upset stomach."
"Sure you don't want half of my breakfast sandwich?"
"No thanks, I'm good."
Anakin takes another bite of the empanada. He looks around at the vendors setting up their stalls across the plaza. There is a short chubby man setting up a stall. He wears a sombrero over a chullo. The weather has changed since the trek through the jungle. The cool air sweeps down from the mountains. On one side of the stall sits a large cage. He posts a hand-painted sign created from a two by four. He hangs the plank above the stall: 'CaviaPorcellus'. Han turns to look, and then a sly smile creeps across his face.
"Oh, the market is opening. They always have interesting stuff to sell."
"What's he got in those cages?"
"Scurriers…Hey, didn't Leia have a pet scurrier when she was a kid?"
"Yeah, dumb little rodent always got lost in the house. Never got another one of those again."
"Really?"
"God, No! So, where are we headed next?"
"We're taking a boat to Woolhaari Dessert just on the outskirts of Val'Arnos Jungle."
Oh, yeah? What's there?"
"More adventures."
"We're not going to be chased through the jungle again are we?"
"No, but just don't kill anymore villagers. We still have to get home to our families. Remember, I have two 'young 'uns'."
"I didn't kill him. If he wasn't being a jerk we could have saved his arm, but nooo…, he had to keep haggling about that damned whip! It's YOUR fault he's dead!"
"Oh, boy; here we go! Blaming me for your hair-trigger temper."
"Maybe you ought to hire more reliable trackers instead of the local scam artist who would kill us in our sleep."
"Aww, come on! Enough! Just sit there and eat your scur…scrambled eggs and stuff."
Han catches himself just in time. If Anakin knew what he was really eating, Han would surely regret it.
After breakfast, they pack up and board a boat for a dessert town on the other side of Massassi Valley. They settle in at another dusty dwelling. It is the home of an old family friend and guide.
Salah is a tall bearded man; a bit on the heavy side and always appears happy, no matter the situation. He greets Han with open arms.
"Indy, my friend! So good to see you."
"Good to see you, Salah, I can't wait to see Fayah and the kids."
"Oh, they are no longer kids, Indy. I just married off my youngest earlier this year. I received a huge dowry, 24 Runyips, and the finest silk from Sullust and rugs that would make a king cry of jealousy. "
"Impressive. You're a wealthy man now. Gee, time flies."
"I received your letter, Indy. You have started a family of your own."
"Yeah…it's great. Got two for the price of one!"
"Hahahaha!" Indy, you still have your sense of humor." He pulls Han aside and whispers in his ear. So, is it true? You brought along the tall surly one?"
"Yeah…he's pulling his gear off the boat. Don't call me 'Indy' around him. Remember the carbonite incident?"
"Ah…yes…How lucky you are to have survived."
"Yeah…every day is a challenge. Crazy runs in that family."
Anakin walks up behind them as Han continues to speak. He is hauling some of their gear including a large black tarp that drapes across his shoulder.
Han points his thumb over his shoulder at Anakin. "The surly one is my father-in-law, Anakin Skywalker." Anakin overhears.
"Hey, I'm right here!"
Sallah shivers with fear and takes a step back. He hides behind Han before whispering.
"The one and only? He does exist! Why is he here?"
"Relax! He's not going to hurt anyone. He already took care of that at the old Jedi Temple"
"You mean…it exists?"
"Yes."
Sallah falls to his knees and genuflects at Anakin's feet. Anakin is embarrassed as the man kisses his hiking boots. Anakin drops the black tarp he has been dragging.
"Han, will you please tell your friend to get up? By the way, we lost the binding for this tarp."
Sallah slowly looks up at the Dark Lord.
"You're not going to kill me? Oh thank you, Master. A million blessings to you and your family. You have spared my life. I am eternally indebted to you."
Anakin glances over at Han.
"Is he always like this?"
"Your reputation precedes you."
"Oh, great! Just what I need, another groveler."
"Well, if you continue to lop off limbs…"
"That incident with Satipo could have been prevented if he wasn't such an a-hole!" He looks down at Sallah who is still on the ground.
Okay, Sha-la-lah, enough. Back on your feet."
"You are so gracious." Sallah stands and bows.
"Yeah…yeah…"
"So, we are good…we are simpatico?"
"We're fine, just don't do anything stupid."
"Oh, never. Thank you, Thank you, great Master."
"You're welcome."
Sallah turns to Han.
"But what about the furry one?"
"Oh, you mean Chewie? He's back on Kashyyyk with his family."
The three men finally sit down to a meal and discuss the next expedition. It will take them to the 'Well of Lost Jedi Souls' in search of a miniature replica of the Jedi Temple. A crew of laborers works through the night digging for it.
The following morning Han and Anakin walk through the main market place. In some ways, the marketplace reminds Anakin of the Mos Eisley in his youth. Shopkeepers peddle their wares on the plaza. Transport operators take a break in the nearest cantina after delivering contraband as well as legal items before taking flight the next day for deliveries to the next sector.
Anakin is feeling especially good today. He is beginning to like his new khaki trousers and pastel shirts. He buys a pera fruit from one of the fruit vendors. As he moves through the crowd, Han loses sight of him. Anakin tries to look over the throngs of shoppers for Han. The crowd suddenly disperses and a tall menacing-looking man confronts him. The man is dressed in black and wields a sword. He twirls it in the air and walks towards Anakin slicing at the air. Anakin has no choice but to fight back.
"Are you kidding me? Really?"
He pulls out his lightsaber and prepares to duel. Han is about to help but cannot get a clear shot. He yells to Anakin.
"Anakin!"
"Not now, Han! I'm kind of busy here!"
"Use this!" Han tosses a blaster to Anakin. Anakin catches the blaster with his left hand.
Anakin thinks for a moment. His lightsaber is a formidable weapon but it cannot reach its target. Han yells at him.
"Shoot damn it! Shoot!"
The man brandishes the long sword and slices within inches of Anakin's shirt. He finally lifts the blaster with his left hand and fires. The would-be assassin stumbles back then falls on his face. Anakin looks down the barrel of the blaster.
"Huh! This thing actually works!"
The crowds cheer. Han catches up to him.
"Never bring a lightsaber to a swordfight."
"I almost had him with my lightsaber but I was trying to avoid hitting the people around me."
"Since when did you start caring about other people?"
"I care."
"Yeah, you stay with that story."
After the blaster shooting in the marketplace, Anakin and Han return to the dig site in the desert. Night falls and the two men retreat to their tent. Anakin falls asleep immediately. The blaster is in his hand under the pillow. Han shakes his head.
"Amazing; he sleeps like a baby."
Han sits on the cot and removes his boot. He shakes out a pebble. Just as Han settles in for a good nights' sleep, he notices shadowy figures scuttling pass the tent. He quietly rises to his feet and slides his hand over the handle of his blaster. He creeps outside to investigate. Several figures ambush him. They tussle in the sand. He tries to overtake them but is unsuccessful and yells for Anakin.
"I need some help out here!" There is no response. "Great! Now he decides to get some beauty sleep."
Han continues fending off the attackers. One of the assassins has a knife and is about to plunge the weapon into Han's throat.
"Another knife wielding stalker!"
Just as the knife comes dangerously close to his jugular, the assailant collapses to the ground in a heap. Han turns to discover Anakin holding a shovel from the dig site. The Dark Lord smiles.
"Shovels work too! Hmmm, go figure."
Han is furious.
"What took you so long?"
"Hey, you're alive aren't you?"
"Just barely!"
"You ingrate! I saved my daughter from becoming a widow and you don't even thank me?"
"Thank-you!"
"Listen, I can't wait to go home! It's been one disaster after another. If I weren't a suspicious person, I could swear you brought me here to kill me."
"Kill you? Don't flatter yourself, pal!"
"I've had to put up with almost getting crushed by a boulder, poison darts hurled at me, questionable living conditions, I haven't had a good night's sleep since we arrived on this sandbox! ...And look at my new shirt! It's torn! Leia's going to swear I did it on purpose!"
"Oh stop your whining!"
"I didn't want to come here anyway!"
"Well, it would have been more fun and less dangerous without you!"
"Ditto!"
One of the attackers is conscious and attempts to creep up behind Anakin. Anakin whacks the man in the head with the business end of the shovel without turning around.
Han is impressed.
Anakin ties up the men, digs a pit, and tosses them in up to their necks. There is no way they can escape. He stands at the makeshift 'prison' with his feet just inches from the faces of the five men.
"Okay, listen up! I spared your lives you worthless bantha chips. If I hear one peep out of you while I attempt to get some beauty sleep in this cesspool of a place, I will finish you, and it won't be with a shovel. If my annoying son-in-law is attacked by anymore of your compañeros, you will pray for an early death. So, nod if you understand. Yes? Okay. Super! Have a good night, gentlemen!"
Anakin returns to the tent and tosses the shovel in the entrance. Han follows him inside.
"That was awesome. I'm impressed."
"Shut up!"