ZA: I'm sorry it's been a while. I really am.

Crispy: She really is. Just look at that face. So remorseful.

ZA: But you don't want to hear my really lame excuses.

Crispy: You really don't. So lame.

ZA: Stop agreeing with me!

Crispy: No.

ZA: …

Crispy: See what I did there?

ZA: Anyway, as an apology, let's have Kenny do the chapter.

Kenny: Get off, Yachiru. I must disclaim.

Yachiru: Okay, Kenny!

Kenny: Zsugami Alba does not own Bleach or Harry Potter. Who is this Harry Potter? Is he strong?

Yachiru: Is Bleach some kind of candy?

Crispy: [whispering to ZA] What kind of trouble will we be in if we say yes?

ZA: Let's just get on with the chapter.

'Thoughts'

Chapter 30: I'll Pencil You In

Haru found Hanatoro to be rather pleasant company. 'Nice guy, really. Kind of reminds me of Neville.' Hanatoro rambled on about the current topics of gossip in the Seireitei, which mostly consisted of Ichigo's and Rukia's impending nuptials. Haru didn't have the heart to disappoint him, so he said nothing - just nodding and humming at appropriate intervals. Hanatoro stopped abruptly, one of the bottles of cleaning solution toppling off of his cart with the sudden halt.

Haru frowned. "What's wrong? Are you lost?"

Hanatoro turned to him with wide, frightened eyes - sort of like the look on Neville's face just before Snape burst into the Potions classroom. "What day is it?"

"Um…" Haru wasn't really sure how time figured in the Seireitei. "Today?"

Hanatoro's wide eyes shifted left and right, as if seeking an escape route. "I completely forgot it's this weekend. We shouldn't have come this way. Let's just turn around and -" There was a crashing sound in the distance. "No, it's too late. We'd better split up. You go that way, and I'll go this way."

Haru didn't like the sound of that. "But I don't know where I am or where anything else is." Another crash sounded - closer this time. "Wait!" he called out to Hanatoro's rapidly departing form. "What's this weekend? Don't leave me here!"

CRASH! THUD. "Where is he?" a deep voice called out. "I know I can sense him, but there's too many darn walls!"

"The left, Kenny! The left!" a childlike voice cried.

"There is no left!" argued Deep Voice.

"No, Kenny. Your other left!" said Child Voice.

"There is no left or other left! There's only backwards and forwards! We're boxed in on both sides!"

At this point, Haru determined that Deep Voice was probably more harmless than he sounded. Perhaps he was like Hagrid. Haru wandered around the corner towards the ruckus and found a guy with very unusual hair glaring at the buildings on either side of him. There was a pink-haired little girl riding on his shoulder.

"See?" said Deep Voice, pointing to either side of them. "Wall to the left, wall to the other left. And do you remember what happened the last time I got rid of buildings?"

The little girl tilted her head in thought. "Braid Lady was really nice. Can we go visit her?"

Haru gave a little wave to catch their attention. "Um...hi? I couldn't help but overhear your conversation, and I thought you should know that you're not really boxed in. You can just follow me. I'm not really sure where we are, but I saw a courtyard a little ways that way. You can catch your breath in some open air?" Haru pointed back the way he had come and smiled at the strange duo.

Deep Voice gave him a very bewildered look - as if he weren't quite sure what Haru was. Haru tried to look harmless and helpful.

"Hi!" chirped Child Voice. "What's your name? I'm Yachiru, and this is Kenny!"

Haru waved. "Hi, Yachiru. Hi, Kenny. I'm Haru, Ichigo's little brother." It became apparent to Haru almost immediately that he should not have said that.

"Ichigo! Quick!" Hanatoro came barreling towards Ichigo and Rukia, cleaning supplies flying off the cart as he pushed it in front of him.

Renji approached him from behind and silently offered him a wayward plunger. "Here. You dropped this back by Squad 9," he told the frazzled healer/janitor.

Rukia craned her neck to peer past them at the trail of cleaning supplies. "What's got you all worked up?"

Hanatoro bent over the nearly empty cart, trying to catch his breath. "I...went the...wrong...way."

Rukia raised an eyebrow at him. "And…?"

"I lost Ichigo's little brother! It's my fault! I forgot what day it was, and now he's gone!"

Ichigo waved away his concern. "Ah, don't worry about it. Haru gets lost all the time. He'll turn up eventually."

"No!" cried Hanatoro. "You don't understand! HE'S GONE! I panicked, and now he's probably been obliterated by Captain Zaraki!"

"WHAT?!" cried Ichigo, now beginning to realize Hanatoro's panic was fully justified. "You left him to Zaraki?"

At this, Renji spoke up. "Relax, Ichigo. He's your brother. I'm sure he'll be fine."

Ichigo grabbed the front of Renji's shihakusho and shook him hard. "You don't understand! He's ADOPTED! His only method of defense is a fancy, wooden stick!"

Rukia rolled her eyes. "A fancy, wooden stick that can perform powerful kido."

Ichigo wasn't fazed. "He's only completed the first two years of his training, and his defense teacher was a moron! The best he could do is transfigure his jingle bells into berries! Maybe a tickling hex. I'm not sure. Is Kenpachi ticklish?" He shook Renji harder.

"I doubt it. Calm down!" Renji attempted to pry Ichigo's hands from his uniform, but it was proving difficult.

"Calm down? Calm down?" Ichigo ranted. "How can I calm down when my little brother is dead because he failed to adhere to the buddy system!"

Rukia sighed and then smacked Ichigo upside the head. He automatically dropped Renji to protect himself. "If Kenpachi had attacked him, we would have sensed the fight," Rukia calmly pointed out.

"Fight?" said Ichigo. "There would be no fight. He'd just be smooshed under Kenpachi's sandal like a bug. A magical, little bug."

Rukia held a hand up in front of Ichigo's face, palm outward. "Hold on there. Before you get yourself all worked up again, let's see if we can find your brother first." She turned to Hanatoro. "Where did you leave him?"

The four searchers looked about them at the empty street. "I left him right here," said Hanatoro. "We could hear Captain Zaraki on the other side of that building."

Renji frowned. "Well, they're not here now, and there's no sign of a battle. Maybe Haru got away?"

Rukia peered down at the ground. "No bloody smears - Kurosaki-shaped or otherwise," she announced. "Are these sneaker prints?" She pointed to footprints leading around to the other side of the building Hanatoro had indicated.

Hanatoro's face fell. "Oh no. Don't tell me he went toward the danger."

The group followed the footprints and found...nothing. "No signs of a violent confrontation here, either," said Renji. He frowned down at the footprints. "Actually, Haru's prints seem to join these and head that way." He pointed towards Squad Eleven's courtyard.

Now Ichigo frowned. "It doesn't seem like Kenpachi to take hostages. You don't think he intends to bargain for another match with me?"

"Nah," said Rukia. "That's definitely not his style. He'd rather waste an entire day trying to find you himself."

Hanatoro's head perked up. "Do you hear that?" he asked the others. "Is that...singing?"

"The teeth on the hollow go 'Om nom nom! Om nom nom! Om nom nom!' The teeth on the hollow go 'Om nom nom!' In the world of the living!

"The zanpakuto goes Slice slice stab! Slice slice Stab! Slice slice stab! The zanpakuto goes Slice slice stab! In the world of the living!

"The hell butterfly goes flutter flutter flutter. Flutter flutter flutter. Flutter flutter flutter. The hell butterfly goes flutter flutter flutter back to the Seireitei!

Renji, Ichigo, Rukia, and Hanatoro were all staring in horror as every member of Squad Eleven, plus Haru, sang their song joyfully to the tune of "The Wheels on the Bus", adding in hand actions and waving their marshmallow sticks over the fire they'd built in the center of the courtyard.

Everyone stroked imaginary beards and waved their index fingers disapprovingly at each other as they sang, "The Captain of One goes, 'No no no. No no no. No no no.' The Captain of One goes, 'No no no.' all through the Seireitei!"

"This is so disturbing," muttered Ichigo.

"Shh!" admonished Rukia. "I want to hear the rest of the verses."

"The Captain of Two goes, 'Stop that munching! Stop that munching! Stop that munching!' The Captain of Two goes, 'Stop that munching!' all through the Seireitei!

"The Captain of Four goes, 'Lie back down. Lie back down. Lie back down.' The Captain of Four goes, 'Lie back down,' all through the Seireitei!"

The singers stood straight and adopted somber expressions as "The Captain of Six goes, 'Dignity and honor. Dignity and honor. Dignity and honor.' The Captain of Six goes, 'Dignity and honor,' all through the Seireitei!

"The Captain of Seven's got a basket on his head! Basket on his head! Basket on his head! The Captain of Seven's got a basket on his head! All through the Seireitei!

"The Captain of Eight goes, 'Not now, Nanao. Not now, Nanao. Not now, Nanao.' The Captain of Eight goes, 'Not now, Nanao,' all through the Seireitei!

"The Captain of Ten goes, 'Matsumoto! Matsumoto! Matsumoto!' The Captain of Ten goes, 'Matsumoto!' all through the Seireitei.

"The Captain of Eleven goes jingle jingle jingle! Jingle jingle jingle! Jingle jingle jingle!" Even Kenpachi was singing with a big, scary smile on his face. "The Captain of Eleven goes jingle jingle jingle! All through the Seireitei!

"The Captain of Twelve goes, 'Just a little sample. Just a little sample. Just a little sample.' The Captain of Twelve goes, 'Just a little sample,' all through the Seireitei!"

"That is so terrifyingly accurate," said Renji with a shudder.

"The Captain of Thirteen goes, 'Ahackemahem! Ahackemahem! Ahackemahem!' The Captain of Thirteen goes, 'Ahackemahem!' all through the Seireitei!" Everyone cheered as the song came to a close.

Rukia shook her head. "That wasn't pretty."

Haru spotted them just then and waved happily to Ichigo with the hand not holding his marshmallow stick. "Hey, Ichigo! Look who I bumped into today! These guys are so cool!"

"I can't believe I was worried about you," said Ichigo. "And here you are having the time of your life. You're so frustrating."

Haru flashed his best puppy dog eyes. "I toasted a marshmallow for you," he said, handing over a toasted, gooey mess smooshed between two graham crackers. "I made it just the way you like it. No char."

Ichigo sighed and accepted the treat. "Don't do it again."

Renji watched them both with a bemused expression. "So how did you survive your encounter with Captain Zaraki?"

Haru grinned. "You mean Mr. Jingles?"

Renji looked frantically about to make certain no one overheard that nickname. "Keep your voice down!" he hissed.

Haru laughed. "Nah, it's okay. He thinks it's funny."

"You're Ichigo's brother, eh?" Kenny's head tilted to the side, and Haru heard jingling. A closer look revealed that each spike of hair on Kenny's head had a tiny bell tied to it.

"Oh, hey. You're Mr. Jingles!" cried Haru.

Yachiru giggled, and Kenny grinned widely. "You've got guts calling me that, kid. Wanna fight? I'd like to find out if you're as powerful as your brother."

Haru eyed him warily from the tips of his jingly hair to his bloodthirsty grin to his tattered uniform and his suspiciously reddish-brown sandals. 'Do I even want to know what makes them that color?'

"Sounds like fun," said Haru. He tried not to show fear as Kenny's grin widened. "But I'm kind of busy these days. I'm training to fight a dark wizard, and I can't really allow myself to be distracted by more leisurely pursuits. Perhaps I could pencil you in for sometime after graduation? I should be finished with Voldemort and his minions by then."

Kenny blinked. "Dark wizard, huh? And when you're done with him, we can fight?"

"Sure," agreed Haru. "That could be fun. Fighting with magic takes a completely different strategy than fighting a warrior such as yourself, so I'd be throwing off my game by accepting your offer of a duel now. This guy's sort of a high priority target, considering he's going around possessing professors' bodies and killing innocent, magical creatures. He's also been discovered lurking in a girl's diary. It wasn't pretty."

"Sounds like an important mission," Kenny granted. "And you say he has minions?"

"A plethora," Haru nodded. "It's like he grows them in his basement. They're really more of an annoyance at this point." 'I think he's buying it.'

"I see," said Kenny. "Well, let me know if I can be of assistance. I can take out the small fry while you focus on finishing off your dark wizard. The sooner you're done with him, the sooner we can have fun."

"Speaking of fun," Yachiru interrupted, "why don't you come with us to Bonding Weekend? We can make macaroni pictures and sing campfire songs!"

"Wizard Kenny!" shouted Yachiru as she ran toward Haru and Ichigo. "Kenny wants to know if Icchi wants to fight him, or if he's too busy helping you fight Tommy."

Ichigo turned to Haru with a look of absolute terror. Haru patted him on the shoulder. "It's okay. I got this." Haru turned to Yachiru. "Sorry, Ichigo's a key player in the Defeat Voldemort campaign. He takes care of the evil pets. Very important job."

"That wasn't a pet!" Ichigo protested. "That was a giant killer snake with death eyes!"

Haru ignored him and continued, "I'll make sure he gets some free time when we're done. Maybe after Kenny and I have our duel."

Yachiru seemed appeased. "Okay, Wizard Kenny! I'll let him know." She rushed back to her friend's shoulder to enjoy the rest of the day's festivities.

"Wizard Kenny?" asked Rukia.

Haru shrugged. "Apparently, I'm the only person who hasn't flat out refused to fight Kenny, which makes me just as cool as he is. I'm assuming the Wizard part is to differentiate between us."

"Right," said Renji. "I'd have a real hard time telling you apart if it weren't for that."

Ichigo looked a bit ill. "I'm dreaming. That's it. This is all just a horrible dream. My little brother did not just befriend the most terrifying man in the Seireitei."

"Not just Kenny," said Haru. "The entire squad volunteered their services in our fight against evil: Yumichika...Ikkaku...Maki-Maki...pretty much everybody. They're really great. I can't believe you've never mentioned them before."

Crispy: If anybody gets video of themselves singing Squad Eleven's favorite song at their next campout, please send us a link. I totally want to see that.

ZA: We're particularly proud of that part. It just sums up the entire Bonding Weekend in just thirteen verses.