ZA: I'm sorry this chapter is going to be a little bit more serious than usual.

Crispy: But not too serious.

ZA: We have to address some plot.

Crispy: But not too much plot. Wait. Nevermind.

ZA: Also, after this chapter, we're going to get back to Isshin.

Crispy: He is the title character, you know.

Chapter 31: Captain Creepy Puppet Head

Haru bid farewell to his new friends as they left the Bonding Weekend Bonfire Celebration. Licking marshmallow from his fingers, he turned to Ichigo and said, "Those guys are so nice. They really know how to throw a party, too."

Rukia smirked at him and pointed in the general direction of his face. "You have a bit of chocolate there."

"Where?"

"Everywhere," she said, grinning as Haru wiped his hands all over his face.

Ichigo sighed. "Stop it, Haru. You're making it worse. Here." He pulled his own sleeve up over his hand and proceeded to wipe Haru's face clean. "Can't take you anywhere," he muttered.

"Ugh! Stop it! You're pulling a dad!" cried Haru, as he struggled to escape his brother's ministrations.

Ichigo gasped. "You take that back! I'm nothing like Dad!"

Haru paused a moment and nodded in agreement. "Okay, that's true. You didn't use your own spit."

Rukia rolled her eyes as both brothers pulled nearly identical faces at that imagery. "Are you two done? We should get moving if Haru wants to see more of the Sereitei before dinner."

"That sounds great!" Haru beamed. "So far I've only seen squads ten and eleven. What's next? Twelve?"

"Absolutely not!" cried Ichigo. "I'm not letting you anywhere near that nutjob!"

Haru frowned. "But squad twelve is the research department, right? How bad can a bunch of intelligent nerds be?"

Rukia and Renji exchanged horrified looks while Ichigo assumed his Let Me Explain How Things Are Going To Be look. "Don't think 'intelligent science nerd'. The captain literally pulled a Frankenstein and created his own lieutenant."

"But wasn't Frankenstein's monster just misunderstood?" Haru countered.

"Nemu's pretty nice when you get to know her," Ichigo conceded, "but Kurotsuchi is evil. He blows up his subordinates! He puts bombs into his subordinates while they're sleeping! He is the most insane, depraved monster that you could ever…"

"Please, Kurosaki," said a raspy voice, "You're going to make me blush."

All four of the group turned toward the voice to see a strange man emerging from inside the wall, bits of stone and paint flaking off of him. Haru leaned toward Ichigo and muttered, "Who's Creepy Puppet Head?"

"That's Captain Kurotsuchi to you," replied the man. He eyed Haru with a disturbing level of interest. "You seem rather...unusual. How would you like to come to my lab for a few tests? I promise I'll feed you."

Haru shivered and moved to stand slightly behind his brother. "Ichigo, is this one of those stranger danger moments Dad warned us about? I feel like he has a white van stashed in a nearby alley."

"Yes, Haru," said Ichigo. "This is definitely a stranger danger moment. Stay behind me, okay?" Ichigo reached a hand back over his own shoulder to grasp Zangetsu's handle. "Back off," he warned the captain. "My brother is off limits."

Captain Kurotsuchi's face seemed to shine with unholy glee. "Your brother? That just makes him more interesting."

"Adopted!" shouted Haru. "I'm adopted! I'm no one important! I can't even fight - all I have is this fancy wooden stick!" He waved his wand over Ichigo's left shoulder.

"Ooh! I've never dissected a wizard before!"

Haru shrank back. "I'm not a wizard! I'm...nobody! I'm just Haru! Please don't hurt me, Mr. Captain! Please don't turn me into anything...unnatural!"

"I'm not really interested in all of you," said Kurotsuchi. "What I really want is your scar." He raised his hand and pointed a bony finger at Haru's forehead.

Haru brushed his bangs down over his forehead. "What scar?"

"Or perhaps I should say what's residing in your scar," replied Kurotsuchi.

Ichigo frowned in confusion. "There's nothing in his scar. It's old. He's had it since he was a little kid."

"Oh yes," said Kurotsuchi, eyes gleaming, "it's most assuredly old. The soul sliver is quite well entrenched. Extracting it will be a very delicate operation." He tilted his head to one side, "Unless I just take your entire skull. Then it will be easy. No need to worry about preserving your life."

"Hey!" shouted Ichigo.

Kurotsuchi shrugged innocently. "He did say he was nobody important."

"I meant not important to you!" cried Haru. "I'm very important to other people! There's an entire secret society that thinks I'm Wizard Jesus, or something."

Ichigo winced. "That's terrible."

Haru shrugged. "Terrible but pretty much true. They do tend to blow things out of proportion. I'm sure people survive the killing curse all the time."

Renji tapped Haru on the shoulder, "Um...Haru...I don't think you should have said that."

Kurotsuchi was suddenly a lot closer and peering over Ichigo's shoulder at Haru. "Survived a killing curse? How fascinating."

Haru shrank back even further. "Somehow I don't think that going from interesting to fascinating is an upgrade."

Ichigo pushed Kurotsuchi back. "All right. That's enough. Why don't you stand back over there and explain what on earth you're talking about?"

Kurotsuchi frowned in disappointment but took a couple of steps back. "Your brother has a soul shard in his head, nestled inside that scar. It's not very big. I'd say it's perhaps...1.5% the size of a normal soul."

Suddenly, Haru seemed to realize something. "Am I a...a diary?"

Renji scoffed. "No way, man. You're a guy. Guys have journals."

"Tell that to Tom Riddle," said Haru.

Ichigo paled as he realized what Haru had meant. "Oh no. Don't tell me murderous megalomaniac has planted a sleeper agent inside my little brother's head." He stared at Haru's scar in horror. "I can't exactly stab this one."

Kurotsuchi frowned. "Stabbing it would be a bit like using a chainsaw for a Y incision. You'd lose both host and parasite, and nobody wants to lose the parasite."

"Uh, I do!" shouted Haru, raising his hand high. He paused a moment and then lowered his hand. "Although, losing the host would be bad."

"You think?" Ichigo snarked.

"If you mess him up, I will murder you," Ichigo growled as he glared menacingly at Kurotsuchi. "And no one will find the body."

Kurotsuchi waved a dismissive hand. "Yes, yes," he said. "You've made that abundantly clear. Now may I get on with this before your brother dies of natural causes?"

Ichigo pointed two fingers towards his own eyes and then flicked them towards Kurotsuchi in the universal sign for I'm Watching You.

"He's not really going to cut me open without anesthetic, is he? Are all those sharp instruments really necessary?" Haru asked, eyeing a particularly gruesome-looking drill on the nearby tray. "Have these been sterilized? That one looks like it's got...bits of stuff on it."

Kurotsuchi looked to where Haru was pointing. "Oh, no. Those are left over from a previous vivisection I performed this morning. I won't be using those." He paused and peered creepily at his reluctant patient. "Unless you want me to?" He asked hopefully.

"No!" yelped Haru. "I'm good."

"The only method I have of extracting the parasite is to make a horizontal incision here," he drew a cold finger along Haru's hairline, "peel the skin down, and remove the infected area." Kurotsuchi's eyes glittered with unholy glee. "I'll have to perform a lobotomy," he advised. "You weren't really using the right side of your brain anyway, were you?"

Ichigo drew Zangetsu and held the tip to the underside of Kurotsuchi's jaw. "Remember: no body."

Kurotsuchi's shoulders drooped as he sighed in disappointment. "Oh, very well. I suppose, if you insist on less invasive measures, I could use something a little more...outdated." He turned to a passing minion. "You there, whatever your name is," he snapped.

The minion looked offended. "I've been working here for fifteen years, sir. I sent you a Christmas card."

"What's a Christmas card?" Kurotsuchi wondered. "Nevermind. That isn't important. Go to the P.M. closet and fetch that wooden chest thing." The minion hurried to comply.

"What's the 'P.M' stand for?" asked Haru. "Post Modern? Pre-emptive Measures? Pixel Mode?"

"Positively Medieval?" muttered Renji. Ichigo aimed a warning glare at him.

"Pantaloon Menagerie?" suggested Rukia. Everyone turned to stare at her. "What? I thought we were coming up with nonsense interpretations."

"It means," said Kurotsuchi, his face twisting into an expression of extreme distaste, "Previous Management."

"Oooooooooh," Rukia and Renji chorused. "He Who Must Not Be Named."

"WHAT?!" cried Haru. "Voldemort used to work here?"

Kurotsuchi frowned. "Who? I'm not familiar with that name. I'm referring to the previous captain of Squad Twelve."

"Oh!" said Ichigo. "Kisuke Urahara? Mr. Hat and Clogs? He owns a candy shop now. Sort of. He's got some pretty cool stuff. I'll bet he could fix Haru right up. Maybe we should just go there."

Haru didn't think anyone could look more offended than Kurotsuchi did at that moment. "Fix him right up? Just go there?" He scoffed. "I will do a much better job than he ever could."

Ichigo's eyes lit up. Haru could see he'd gotten an idea. "Yeah, but can you do it without causing my brother any pain? Or permanent damage?"

"Well…." The captain was interrupted by the return of the minion. "Ah. Here it is. A device of my own invention that causes absolutely no pain or permanent damage. Well done...er...you. You've anticipated my needs and retrieved this device from my own desk, rather than rummaging through the P.M. closet. And to think that I only finished modifications on it this morning."

The minion looked nervous. "Uh...sorry, Captain. I actually did go to the-"

"Silence, fool!" Kurotsuchi hissed. "Or do you fancy exploding today?"

The minion was quick to catch on. "Of course, sir! Because...I remembered that we completely cleared out the P.M. closet last month. We have no need for any of that useless garbage."

"Thank you...you." The captain paused a moment as the minion just stood there. "Now go away."

"Oh! Right. Sorry."

Kurotsuchi placed a large, flat-topped, dusty, rather ancient-looking wooden chest on top of the instrument tray. He fumbled with the clasp for a few seconds before managing to unlatch the lid. It lifted up with a squeak of rusty hinges. "Heh heh," the captain laughed nervously. "The distressed look is very in these days," he explained.

Everyone leaned in for a closer look as he reached into the chest and pulled out…

"Is that a dustbuster®?" asked Haru incredulously.

"What? No, no. That would be ridiculous," said Kurotsuchi. "No, this is...a soulbuster."

Nobody looked convinced. Haru raised an eyebrow. "How does it work?"

"Er...well…" the captain hesitated as he turned what definitely appeared to be a handheld vacuum over in his hands, examining it. "First I push this thing here…" The dirt receptacle popped off. "Then I empty this out." He flung the contents over his shoulder, dust and debris scattering behind him. "Er...wouldn't want the specimen contaminated by previous samples." He managed, on the third attempt, to reassemble the device. "Then I...OH! I flip this switch here from 'dirt' to 'soul', of course. Obviously. Now we're ready to press the red button and...suck out the soul shard."

Renji raised his tattooed eyebrows as high as they could go. "Are you sure you've done this before? Shouldn't we ask Captain Unohana to stand by just in case?"

"Well, it is a prototype, but I assure you it's perfectly safe. I've done this plenty of times. I could do this with my eyes closed," Kurotsuchi assured them.

Haru gulped nervously. "Please don't. You don't have to prove anything to me. I'd much prefer you employ all safety protocols, including keeping both eyes wide open."

Kurotsuchi shrugged. "If you insist," he conceded. "Now, I"ll just hold it up to your scar, pressing firmly to ensure a proper seal...and then...it will be time for me to press that red button...which is most definitely the right one...and…."

The little vacuum made a loud whirring noise before a strange, tiny, whistling sort of scream issued from Haru's forehead. A dirty mist began to fill the dirt receptacle until it coalesced into a miniature cloud with an angry face. It appeared to be yelling, but the sound was muffled. Kurotsuchi lifted his thumb off of the red button, and the whirring stopped. Pulling the soulbuster from Haru's forehead, there was an obvious red suction mark the same size and shape as the opening of the device. Haru rubbed his forehead.

"It worked!" Kurotsuchi turned his beaming smile towards the other occupants of the room and then faltered a moment at their horrified reactions. "As I knew it would. Because I made it. And have tested it numerous times. Ahem."

Ichigo turned to Haru. "Are you okay? Did it hurt?"

Haru frowned. "No. It felt a little weird. Like the opposite of when you stick a cup over your mouth and breathe in real hard to make it stick there...only on my forehead."

Rukia's brow wrinkled. "What? Who does that?"

Renji turned to her. "You've never done that? Everybody's done that at least once. Ikkaku and I used to have races to see who could run the farthest while keeping the cup sucked onto our faces."

Rukia looked mildly disturbed. "You were an adult when you met Ikkaku."

"Your point?"

"Uh...guys?" Haru was poking at the side of the soulbuster in morbid fascination as the cloud face hissed angrily at them from within. "This thing's not too happy right now."

"What's it saying," asked Ichigo.

"Let me out! I am the darkness! I am death! I am immortal! You will be destroyed!"

Renji snorted in amusement. "Big talk for a dust bunny."

Rukia tilted her head to one side. "It's almost...cute in it's rage." Everyone stared at her. "What? It reminds me of the demons my brother used to draw for me."

Ichigo looked at her in amazement. "You mean bad drawing skills run in your family?"

Rukia rolled her eyes. "We're related by marriage. And our drawing skills are very lifelike. Obviously." She pointed at the imprisoned soul shard.

"So…," interrupted Haru, "Back to the matter at hand. What do we do with it now?"

Crispy: Anyone wanna guess what the soulbuster is a reference to?