Phantoms
Author's note: A wise woman once said that hope is like the sun. If you believe in it only if you see it you will never make it through the night.
It is a restless night.
Rey tosses and turns falling in and out of sleep with images of leery gaze and sly smiles, cigarettes and glasses full of ruby wine. There are blinding lights and black gloves, warm hands and fingers running up a man's chest. And amongst them all a deep voice that breathes and whispers in her ear, telling her not to be afraid.
She wakes up startled in the crack of dawn with her shirt drenched in sweat and her heart beating like that of a fleeing animal's. She fumbles for that midnight cloak draped over her shoulders with a mind hazy from sleep. But it's not there. And neither are those consuming eyes and pale face that have kept her under their wing throughout her dark sleep.
The man is gone. And has left behind only a lingering scent of musk.
She remains huddled in her bed until the morning light chases the last shadow away from her room.
It is the last night spent in Hosnian Prime. Kaydel has already given her the schedule for the next week. And it's loaded.
Rey spends an unreasonable amount of time in the shower with her aching head leaning against the cool tile, allowing the water to wash away the previous night from under her skin. But when she steps out she feels anything but rejuvenated. She gathers her things, reluctantly, and decides to head to the hotel's restaurant for breakfast. In all her days, there hasn't been one time where getting food in her stomach hasn't helped her feel better. Even just a bit.
Jeff is already there, sitting at a small table by one of the large windows of the hotel's breakfast room, munching on a bagel and tapping on a datapad. Rey slides in with her tray filled to the brim with little things like fruits, cakes and eggs, a glass of blue milk and even a cup of caf. She figures this should all be enough for the day in case they don't get to have another meal.
Jeff raises an eyebrow at her curiously. "Are you planning on eating all that?"
Rey opens a can of yogurt and dumps a spoonful of honey in it. And a half more. And then looks at him as if he's sprouted a second head. "Yeah."
Jeff smiles and Rey digs in. It's not until she's half way through the tray that she decides she feels somewhat better, and proceeds to ask him what has been stuck on her mind since the wee hours of the morning.
"Do you think you could help me look up some information?"
"Concerning…?"
"Some people I got to meet yesterday," she answers through a mouthful of cereal. "I'd like to look into their files."
Jeff hesitates, setting down his cup of caf. "I might have to run this with the Governor. Some might be too private."
"You said I had access to everything I needed to see."
"Yes, but…"
"The Governor has other things in mind. He doesn't need to know."
Jeff hesitates and fiddles with his fork. And Rey might or might not be using the Force to nudge him into compliance. He probably would have relented anyway in the end. Why waste any time?
"Who do you want to check out?"
Rey sends him a bright smile. "The Prime Minister of Correlia, the President of Plexus and…" Most definitely. "…the High Ruler of Arkanis."
Jeff shakes his head, smiling back. "I guess I could arrange that. For a price."
Rey furrows her brow. "What price?"
He leans in crossing his forearms on the table.
"I get to take you on a tour of Canto Bight. It's our next destination. There has been a change of plans."
Rey halts with her spoon midair and looks at him. That's a strange offer. She figured he would have asked for something along the lines of teaching him a few saber moves or Jedi forms. But she's heard weirder things.
Rey shrugs. She figures there's no harm in that.
"It's a deal." She sets down her spoon and extends her hand for a shake. But is surprised to see Jeff reaching out to wipe at some crumb on the side of her mouth with the pad of his thumb.
"It's a deal." He says and for some reason Rey feels rather uncomfortable with his gesture. As if he's crossed some kind of an invisible line without permission. But truth is she likes Jeff. He's fun to be around and she has a good time with him. There's no reason for this to bother her so. Rey can't quite explain it.
She pulls away from his touch and looks to the side.
And freezes.
Because right there, standing by the entrance of the restaurant discussing with Amilyn Holdo is none other than the Governor. And his heavy gaze is already trained on her.
Rey feels as if she's been caught doing something very, very wrong.
Which doesn't make any sense really. She's just having breakfast with Jeff. Who is his Public Relations manager and is helping her gather some information she needs for his own security. Everything is just fine.
The Governor tears his dark eyes away to look back at the Minister and Rey feels as if he's torn a bit of herself along with him. Because there is certainly some kind of an ache twisting in her guts.
She stares at her plate.
He looks different. He is no longer dressed in his politician robes, but in civilian. Granted they still are black and probably very expensive, but there is a simplicity to him and a gruffness that she hasn't seen until now. It's probably why she hadn't noticed him earlier. Who knows how long he had been standing there.
She glances back at him.
But he walks away, as self-assured and imposing as ever and Jeff signals at her that it's time to get moving. The Governor's ship is probably prepped and ready to go.
She quickly complies.
The jump to hyperspace is uneventful and Rey spends her time in the ship's data, looking up the people at yesterday's dinner. Hoping to find some kind of a lead.
She has barely seen the Governor because he has spent his time buried in his Conference room in discussions and holomeetings. And has not asked of her to join him. Rey doesn't want to admit how that feels after the time they spent in each other's company yesterday. It hadn't been too horrendous. She believes. He hadn't exactly been cordial towards her either, though. Mostly he chose to ignore her during dinner and only bothered when she asked for help. But he did offer her his cloak later in the evening which must count for something.
Even though…
Rey shuts her eyes. And tries really hard to push away the image she had stumbled across in the woman's mind. It's none of her business, she tries to convince herself, what he chooses to do in his personal life. No matter how much she might disagree with his decisions. He is engaged after all. But hardly acts like he is. Rey feels frustrated with his infidelity and complete disrespect towards someone he supposedly loves.
He's changed so much…
She sighs and rubs her temples. She can't imagine what has possibly gone so wrong in his life. Rey is starting to doubt if there is anything half decent about him anymore.
A loud beep pierces the silence in the room and Rey nearly jumps off her chair.
And glares at her comlink and the message blinking on its screen.
"You wanted to see me?"
Rey asks as she walks into the Conference room. But quickly snaps her mouth shut because there is a holoprojection of woman on the table that seems to be talking to the Governor.
His eyes fall on Rey and quickly return to the woman. She can't see the holoprojection very well from where she stands. But notices that the woman has long dark hair and is dressed in some kind of a traditional formal gown. And has her back turned.
"I can't stay much longer," he says softly, and his tone of voice settles strangely inside her. "The Jedi has just walked in."
"Contact me before you go to bed. I should be back by then."
"You look stunning. I hope all goes well tonight."
"It would if you were here…"
He smiles at that and Rey feels her heart stop. She hasn't seen him smile… Not since they were…
Rey wants to turn around and leave. The feeling that she is invading something private, something that she would much rather not see churns painfully within her. But no. Her feet remain glued to the floor and her eyes fixed on his face.
He sends the woman his farewells before shutting off the holoprojection.
Rey swallows around a tight throat.
"Who… who was that?" Rey feels so stupid all of a sudden because obviously that woman is…
He arches a brow coldly at her and does not answer.
The lights are dimmed and there's a certain kind of disquietude in the Force. He sits by the table with a datapad in hand and his mug of caf half empty. His jacket is draped over his chair and his shirt loosened around the neck. Sleeves rolled to the elbows and hair mussed up beyond recognition. It's the most unkempt and exposed she's seen him until now. No cloaks or heavy robes. No stiff jackets and gloves. No stylists and managers and assistants and shrewd politicians.
Just him.
It makes her feel anxious.
He sets his cup down but doesn't look at her. Instead, he sets his fingers on his temple as if he is contemplating his next words. Rey shifts on her feet. When they parted yesterday he seemed as cold as ever despite that little moment between them at the restaurant's landing area earlier in the night. He had been almost caring then, but it seems now that whatever progress they had made has, in fact, evaporated into thin air.
"We need to set some ground rules," he says getting off his chair. His steps are measured as he approaches, almost wary.
"What kind of rules?"
He comes to stand before her but somehow far away. Even if she wanted to touch him he'd still be out of reach.
"Our past doesn't matter. You are here for my security and that alone. Which means that you will act accordingly."
"And what is that supposed to mean?"
"It means," he takes one step forward and immediately stops. It takes him a moment before he continues. "It means that you will not interfere in my personal life or…"
"But I haven't…"
"Or state any kind of opinion about my decisions. You will always be on my side but will not interact with anyone in my immediate surroundings unless…"
"But I didn't…"
"Unless there is a threat against my life. You will be discrete. Silent. And efficient. Just like anybody else working for me. Am I clear?"
"I really don't see why…"
"Am I clear?"
His eyes widen just a little and Rey finds herself staring at him completely dumbfounded.
"Ben…"
"No."
He has taken another step forward. He is towering over her and Rey can see the dark circles under those sleepless eyes.
"Why are you doing this? I don't understand…" she whispers.
"Because you don't belong in my world. And I should have never dragged you in it. Last night was a mistake."
Rey feels as if the wind has been knocked out of her. A mistake?
"Which part was a mistake?"
Ben looks to the side. "I will make sure you are provided with a decent wardrobe since you will be accompanying me to a number of worlds and their respective climates. You will be by my side when I'm in need of your services and…"
Rey clenches her fists.
"I asked you which part was a mistake."
"And in your spare time you can…"
"Ben!"
"All of it! All right?" He growls at her. "The whole damned night from the moment you stepped into the elevator to the moment I dropped you off at your room." His face is inches from hers and Rey can literally feel the Force pulse around him. He rakes his hand through his hair and steps away with a curse.
Rey stares at him as if he's lost his mind.
"What have I done, Ben? For Force's sake, what have I done to you that you can't bear to be in my presence?"
"You make me remember!" He swirls around to face her. "You make me remember times that I wish I could forget."
"But I always thought…" She shakes her head trying to make sense of what he's saying. "I always thought you liked being in Luke's academy. I thought you wanted to…"
"Exactly!" he snarls. "But there was no other way."
"Ben can't stay in the academy, Leia. He must not be trained in the Force… There is no other way…"
Rey will never forget the look of despair on that boy's face when Luke Skywalker told him that he had to leave. And the feeling of losing the ground from under her feet has haunted her until today. Ben had been her constant teacher and companion for nearly a year because Rey trusted no one else. Not even Skywalker.
Ben had been her world.
She closes the distance between them. Rey can't accept that all that's left of her are painful memories.
"Ben, I always wanted what was best for you."
"You should have never told Luke about the dreams."
"I never thought he'd send you away! I was just a child. All I wanted to do is help you. You can't blame me for that!"
His jaw clenches and he looks down at her bitterly. Rey wishes there was a way to turn back time.
"I'm sorry, Ben. I'm so sorry…"
"How convenient to say after all these years."
Is this how he thinks of me?
All these years that she has spent worrying about him, eavesdropping on conversations just to hear that he is well. The disappointment at hearing of his digression as a character. And now being face to face with it herself.
"You resent me," she says and, oh, how the truth of her revelation hurts.
He leans in. "I don't care enough to resent you."
His dark eyes study her behind that politician's face he wears so well. And Rey wants to rip it off and find that teenage body that must surely still be there. Somewhere.
"You used to."
"It belongs in the past," he says. "You. Belong in the past. There is no place for you in my life anymore. The sooner you understand that the easier your stay will be."
A broken sound escapes her.
Ben is looming over her and her heart throbs and he is looking at her with those eyes that burn and nothing, nothing could ever cut as deeply as those words that have just fallen from his lips.
Something inside her cracks.
"How can you say that?"
Now her eyes are starting to sting and surely tears will start sliding down her cheeks and Rey hates this because she hasn't cried in years. Not since he went away…
Damn him.
She turns around to wipe at them because she doesn't want him to see. She can't let him see.
And suddenly his hands are grasping her arms and his body presses against her back. It's solid and warm and large and makes the world shrink into an insignificant speck. He buries his face in her hair and Rey feels like her knees will give out on her. But he is holding her tight.
Ben is holding her tight.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said…" He breathes into her hair and her own breath ceases to exist.
"You're not a burden, Rey. I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said…"
She looks at the phantom of a teenage boy through teary eyes and doesn't understand why her constant company would bother him so. She's quiet and does as he says and doesn't kick around in her sleep. She doesn't understand why he wouldn't want her around.
Rey blinks into the dimly lit room. The past seems to intertwine so easily with the present.
"But you say those words either way," she whispers into the empty space.
A groan ruffles her hair and Rey wants to turn around and look at him. Really look at him. Because she doesn't know what to believe anymore. He gives her crumbs of affection only to steal them back the next moment.
And she can't take it anymore.
His hands loosen their hold on her and he hastily steps back. She turns around just as he walks to the room's window. Hyperspace is running by, whirling and spinning endlessly into infinity. He sets his palm on the surface of the duraglass and keeps his back to her. Rey stares at the man illuminated by cerulean waves. He looks as if he carries the weight of the world on those hunched shoulders.
And wishes despite it all that she could do something to help him with the burden.
"Please go," he says over his shoulder. "I need to be alone."
Rey swallows, willing the last of her tears away. "Forgive me." She tries to sound cold and detached like he so often does, but fails miserably. "I never meant to hurt you."
There's a sudden hissing of the doors that has both of them flinch. Kaydel strides inside uninvited with her datapad in hand. She halts, darting her eyes between the two of them.
They must both be quite a sight.
"I didn't mean to interrupt you, sir." She clutches the datapad to her chest almost like a shield. "We have arrived in Canto Bight. I just thought to inform you."
Ben nods briskly from his window.
Rey takes her leave as silently as always.
Author's note: Now could Ben ever really resent her? Poor Rey, she's still trying to figure him out... And yes the woman in the holoprojection is exactly who you suspect her to be.
Next chapter: Canto Bight!