Hi! Here's Chapter 8! Thanks again for the reviews!

Chapter 8: Sarah vs Buried Thoughts

April 13, 2015

Chuck avoids Sarah's phone calls for a while after the day that Sarah visited. He is angry with her and the fact that she left their young daughter in tears. This makes Sarah pour more of herself than she already did into work. Eventually, Chuck calms down enough to call Sarah back which ends up in a game of phone tag because Sarah is busy with missions and Chuck is busy with his company and Amelia. They talk after a few months and easily fall back into the rhythm of the weekly phone calls again. Sarah isn't sure whose benefit it is for anymore. She is starting to feel like she needs to talk to him like she needs to drink water. Whenever something happens exciting on a mission, she finds herself reaching to call Chuck to tell him about it. Chuck has become her biggest support system.

Chuck never brings up the day she showed up which Sarah is thankful for. The only thing Chuck does do is ask when her next visit will be, repeatedly which ends up with Sarah angrily telling him, she can't be there for whatever reason she has this week and hanging up on Chuck a few times. Chuck also tries to get her to talk to Amelia on the phone. A few times, she does, and it goes about as well you would expect a two year to talk on the phone to someone. Sarah finds herself missing her daughter just like she does Chuck.

Sarah does not think she will be attending the wedding until Beckman demands she take a weekend off due to people on her team being injured. At first, she thinks she'll just be staying in Washington and just lay around her hotel room for a few days because sometimes the best break is one where you just stay home, but Chuck calls her the Thursday. They start out talking about their usual topics such as her work and Amelia and she accidently lets slip that Beckman is making her take the weekend off.

"Sarah, since you're free," Chuck starts and Sarah knows instantly how he is going to continue, "Are you going to come to the wedding?"

"Chuck," Sarah sighs. She is already angry with the General and really doesn't want to start a fight with the only other person she has regular contact with. He has become a fixture in her life without her being aware of it even though they are 1000 of miles away. He has become her friend even though she hasn't seen him since the day she dropped the little girl off. Even though she left him in a terrible way.

Sarah doesn't know how to finish, and Chuck doesn't say anything afraid to push her into hanging up. It is a dance they do more and more often as Chuck becomes more and more impatient with her.

Eventually Chuck manages to choke out a quiet, "Sarah, please…"

Sarah doesn't know what makes her agree, but she does.

She arrives early Saturday, which is the day of the wedding. She is almost late and heads straight to the venue where it is at. The church feels familiar, but she knows that it isn't the one where her wedding took place. That she is sure of. She has watched her wedding video enough times to know that. When she gets there, she sits toward the back by herself. She sees up in one of the front rows her mom, her sister, Mary, Devon, and Ellie with Clara on her lap. Her mom has somehow found herself in the family which Sarah left. She hasn't talked to her since the day she decided to keep Amelia and it feels like an eternity ago. Sarah feels a pull in the back of her mind that she should be up there sitting with them. She doesn't remember Alex at all though, and she has almost choked Morgan every time they have interacted, so she decides to stay put.

The wedding march starts and bridesmaids and groomsmen filter in. Sarah doesn't recognize any of the bridesmaids, but the groomsmen on the other hand she recognizes as all people from the Buy More plus Chuck who is the best man. Amelia, who is the flower girl, and a little boy walk down the aisle. Amelia doesn't drop any flower petals and just holds her basket. Soon, after Casey walks Alex down the aisle.

It hits Sarah when she sees Casey why she knows the church feels so familiar, but it doesn't make any sense. Her brain is telling her Casey's Funeral, but as Casey is walking Alex down the aisle Sarah knows that can't be true. It is another simple memory that she doesn't understand. She hates that her brain gives her words and things that should connect to a memory, but just leave her feeling empty. They are just words that mean nothing.

Sarah spends the whole wedding mesmerized by her daughter. Amelia has lost a lot of her chubby toddlerness that she had only a few months ago. Amelia gets bored halfway through the ceremony and starts throwing the previously forgotten flower petals. All Sarah can do is shake her head. One of the bridesmaids scoops Amelia up to stop her. Sarah feels something that could only be described as jealousy. She shoves the feeling down and tries to become the cold spy again.

The wedding ceremony ends, and the wedding party starts to file out. As Chuck leaves, he takes Amelia from the bridesmaid and Amelia is back to tossing the flowers as they leave. Another memory hits Sarah. This time the memory is of her own wedding and Alex, Mary, and all of the other people at her wedding tossing confetti at them as they leave.

Sarah waits until everyone has left the church to go to the reception hall across the street to walk around the church a little hoping something would trigger a memory and explain why Casey had a funeral. That maybe something would trigger more. Nothing does much to Sarah's disappointment. It is the same as every other thing she remembers.

She makes her way across the street and into the building. All the tables are taken people filling everyone and Sarah feels unsure what to do just standing there until she sees her mom beckoning her over to a table where the rest of the family is at. Her mom immediately hugs her.

"I missed you. You need to call me," Emma whispers into Sarah's ear.

"I'm sorry. I know," Sarah mumbles pulling away and wiping the tears.

"You should really visit," she tells Sarah sitting down back where she was next to Molly leaving Sarah having to sit by Molly if she also wants to sit by Chuck. Which she honestly does so she sits down next to the little she rescued.

Molly looks at Sarah and Sarah can tell she is nervous. "Do you remember me?" the eight-year-old asks her brown eyes meeting Sarah's blue.

Sarah looks to her mom for help, but her mom looks shocked at the question her younger daughter asked her older one. Emma never thought that question would come out of her adoptive daughter's mouth. Molly has asked a lot of questions in the years since she originally met Sarah, but never really about Sarah's memories.

"I know who you are Molly. I know you are my sister. I remember when you were a tiny baby. But I honestly don't remember when you visited me. I wished I did, but I had an accident," Sarah tells Molly hoping that will be enough.

"I know you had an accident. That is why you left Amelia with Chuck and you can't be here," Molly tells Sarah like it is a fact and not Sarah's own choice. Molly leans in for a hug, "I hope you can be here more."

Chuck who missed the question from the 8-year-old because he was handling Amelia turns to her and gives her a slight nudge turning her attention from her mom and Molly to him and Amelia.

"Mills, look who it is?" Chuck says to the little girl who is coloring on a coloring page with fat crayons.

Amelia turns her head to Sarah and her eyes light up, "Mommy," the little girl squeals as she crawls over Chuck to Sarah.

Sarah freezes at first unsure what to do. But she can feel the eyes of everyone at the table, Ellie, Devon, Mary, Emma, Molly, and Clara, all of them on her so she lets the young girl crawl into her lap. She sits there unsure what to do stiff as a board with the little girl on her lap. As everyone settles, Sarah settles also talking and enjoying everyone including Amelia who is now back to coloring, but this time sitting on her lap. Eventually, there table is called to go get food and Chuck goes to take Amelia from Sarah.

"No!" Amelia shrieks in an ear-piercing voice.

"Amelia, Momma is going to be with us getting food." Chuck tells her which does nothing to reason with two and half year olds.

"No! I fine. I color," She shrieks even louder than the first time. Sarah had no idea that was even possible.

"Chuck, it's fine I'll stay here with her," Sarah says before Amelia starts to cry.

"Are you positive?" Chuck looks at her questioning.

"Yeah, it's fine," she tells him. She has no idea Amelia wants to be with her so bad. She is barley her mom and has only held her a handful of times. But for some reason, Amelia wants Sarah. It makes Sarah feel relieved. Her daughter actually wants her.

"Do you want me to get you anything?" Chuck asks as he gets up. Chuck watches her for any signs that she is really just saying this so the people around them stop staring and that she really wants to sit there at the table alone with Amelia even if it is only for a few minutes.

"No, it is fine." Sarah says as she gives Chuck a smile to let him know that she will be okay. She can see he still is unsure about leaving her.

Chuck decides with that to go up and get food for himself, Sarah, and Amelia. As he starts juggling plates, he wonders if maybe he should have just listened to Sarah that she didn't want anything. Three plates are a lot harder than two, but he hopes maybe he can juggle three instead of two more often. He successfully makes it back to his seat next to Sarah.

"You didn't have to, Chuck," Sarah tells him when he sets both her and Amelia's plate in front of her.

"I did, though. It is what husbands do," he says sitting down next to her and wrapping his hand on the back of her chair.

Sarah looks at him. He doesn't even look like he registered what he said. They are married. They have a daughter. It is so natural for him to call himself her husband even though this is the first time in almost three years that she has seen him. He is a natural family person. While for her, it is a part of her she barriers deep inside of herself most of the time. She hates herself for it, but she can't bring herself to stop barring this part of herself.

Everyone slowly finishes their food and turns to the dance floor. Music is played and everyone is dancing, well everyone besides Sarah. She doesn't feel like dancing, so she sits by herself. Amelia has left her to run around with Clara. Chuck mostly just stands off to the side talking to people Sarah knows, but also doesn't know while keeping a watchful eye on the kids. Eventually, Amelia spots Sarah and remembers she is there and runs over to her.

"Come dance, Mommy," she squeals obviously hyped up from cake and the energy coming from everyone besides Sarah. Amelia grabs Sarah's hand and pulls her. Sarah doesn't move.

"Come dance!" she yells looking back at Sarah. Sarah gets up this time afraid her daughter might throw a fit.

On the dance floor, her daughter pulls her to Chuck. Chuck immediately picks up Amelia.

"I see you got mommy to dance," Chuck says gently tickling the little girl.

"Yep!" she says as she squirms her way out of Chuck's arms and runs to dance with Clara and Molly.

"I feel I should clarify that I did not ask her to go get you even though I am happy you are up and not sitting alone," Chuck tells Sarah knowing how it must look to her.

"I know and it's fine," Sarah tells him.

Sarah continues to stay on the dance floor mostly just watching Chuck watch Amelia. They don't say much to each other just stay toward the side. Alex and Morgan look so happy and Sarah wonders if she and Chuck were ever actually as happy as the new bride and groom. Sarah thinks at one time they probably were and she wishes they could somehow achieve the happiness they once had.

When a slow song starts to play, Chuck looks at Sarah. Sarah just nods and takes his hand. They dance, well sway, together. It feels natural. Chuck's hands on her waist and her head leaning against him. She doesn't know what makes her due it and blames it on the alcohol later, but she kisses him. When she does a memory hits her like a ton of bricks. Bomb. Chuck's Lips. Bryce. Fake Bomb.

Sarah has heard the story, listened to her mission logs, and read the reports enough times to know what moment this memory goes with. Chuck pulls her closer just as she thinks about pulling away and deepens the kiss. They eventually need to breathe and do pull away. Chuck looks at her with a look that Sarah can only describe as love. It scares her, but for the remaining time at the reception they stand leaning into each other.

After saying, goodbye to everyone including Alex and Morgan who Sarah can see are so happy, they leave. Sarah wonders if Chuck and her were that happy on theirs on the ride home. Sarah and Chuck don't talk, but half the car ride, Amelia fills the silence. Eventually, she just goes quiet and falls asleep. Sarah, herself, is almost asleep in the car when they pull up to the house. Amelia is totally out in her car seat so Chuck carries her. She is so little in his arms. At the door, He struggles with the keys trying to find the right one until Sarah reaches over and grabs them off him.

"Which one is it?" she asks.

"The one that has a blue dot on it." He answers in a whisper hoping Amelia stays asleep.

Sarah inserts the key into the door and walks inside letting Chuck in first. She closes the door and pauses unsure what to do. She has no idea what she is doing here anyway.

"I'm going to go lay her down and I'll be right back. You can go sit," Chuck says noticing her fidgeting at the door as he climbs the stairs. There is no more baby gate she observes and it makes it more obvious, that her daughter is growing up without her.

Sarah nods and goes to sit down on the couch. She sits down in the same spot she sat just a few months ago. Her thoughts are racing. She wants to flee and wonders if she made a mistake by coming back. Sarah sits during those few minutes looking around the room that has changed so much in so little time. New pictures are up and the bookshelf is full of so many different children's books. She is surprised to see a few photos of her thrown into the mix that weren't up before.

"Sorry, about the kiss earlier," Chuck apologizes as he comes down the stairs and goes to the kitchen.

"No, it's fine, I'm fine. I initiated it," Sarah stumbles with her words.

Chuck comes back from the kitchen with a bottle of scotch and two glasses. "I figured we'll need this," He says handing her a glass and sitting on the opposite end of the couch.

"Yeah, we probably will," Sarah takes the glass. They honestly need to talk about a lot of things. But she finds herself just wanting to sit here in his presence.

"I am happy you're here," Chuck tells her.

Sarah just nods and drinks her scotch. She watches him and can see he wants to say more but stops himself. They sit there in silence for a few minutes until Chuck gets tired of the awkward silence.

"Amelia is so happy you're here. Ever since the last time you were here, she is attached to the idea of her mother, of you. We need you here. She needs you here." Chuck stumbles through.

Sarah looks at Chuck. She doesn't know what she even wants to say to that. She wishes she wasn't here and that she never came back. She has given them too much hope.

"Chuck…" Sarah sighs putting the glass on the table and rubbing her eyes. She doesn't even know what to say to that. "I'm not staying."

"I am sorry," Chuck tells her even though he has nothing to apologize for. His heart is breaking into pieces yet again. She is hurting him.

"No I'm sorry. I'm not what you and her need. Maybe we should both move on; I'll leave you alone after this. We can get a divorce and you can find someone who is actually here for her." She stutters out. They would be better off without her. She doesn't deserve him at all. She needs to be the cold spy again, but is struggling to gain her composure. She doesn't understand why Chuck is so easily able to chip away at her.

Chuck closes his eyes and puts his face in his hands. He takes a few long deep breaths trying to keep from crying. As he looks up, he sees the tears running down Sarah's face. He reaches over and pulls her into a hug. Sarah goes stiff at first, but then settles into the hug.

"I have told you before, I'll tell you again. I'll never move on. I will always want you here. I don't care if you never show up again, I really don't want a divorce unless you really want to. It keeps us tied together and if you die on a mission, I am more likely to be notified. I love you and I'll love you forever," he cries gently into her hair. It smells the same as it always has.

"I don't know if I can ever be her, Chuck. I need to be a spy. You deserve someone better than me," Sarah sobs turning her head up to look at him. She has been keeping her emotions so bottled up for so long that she feels like a burst pipe.

He looks down at her, "You are the Sarah I want. You are always her. I accept you. I know that you think you have to be a spy and I accept that even if I don't like it. Even if I know you could be happy here."

Neither say a word after that. They stay intertwined together just holding each other. They haven't talked that much, but it feels like a step in a better, different direction than their conversations than their conversations on the phone. Neither one can say who fell asleep first that night, but they end up curled up on the couch together.

Chuck wakes up to little hands on his arm. He doesn't even have to look who it is.

"Amelia," Chuck mumbles eyes still closed, "Why are you up?"

"Bad dream," the little girl answers.

Chuck opens his eyes and sees it is only 4 am and still dark. He is flat on his back with Sarah's head on his shoulder, their arms wrapped around each other, and legs tangled. He really doesn't want to move. He looks at Amelia, moves his free arm, and reaches out to the little girl. She immediately climbs on to Chuck chest snuggling into Sarah.

Sarah is the first to wake up for the day. It's earlier than she would like to be up, but for once she feels well rested even though she is wedged in between the back of the couch and Chuck's body. Amelia is wrapped around her arm that was on Chuck's chest. Her daughter's wild mane covers her face and Sarah can't help but detangle her arm from her daughter just to push the loose curls out so she can see her little face. Sarah just lays their content with where she is at watching her daughter sleep as she lays on her husband's chest. It is a moment that she realizes that she wants more of the picture-perfect moments. She wants to try and reclaim what Quinn has taken and not what she thought she lost in the five years.

Eventually, they do get up and Chuck prepares breakfast. Sarah and Amelia both sit down at the table. Amelia is talking a mile a minute instead of being the quiet child, she was the first time Sarah visited, Sarah tries to follow along only for her to get lost when the child mumbles a word and she can't understand her. She looks to Chuck and he translates for her. Chuck finishes making the pancakes, shaped like Mickey Mouse, and bacon and sits down across from Sarah and Amelia.

"I am going to leave, Chuck," Sarah tells them when Amelia finally goes quiet enjoying her pancakes. Sarah watches her daughter not meeting Chuck's eyes doesn't look up.

"I figured," he says trying not to sound disappointed and bitter, but it comes out that way, "I will always be here for you."

"I know. I just can't be here. I am not ready," Sarah tells him. He is surprised when she continues, "I would like to visit more if you would let me, though."

"I would love to have you here." Chuck says with a sad smile as Sarah gets up and leaves him and Amelia alone yet again.

May 3, 2016

Despite wanting to visit, Sarah doesn't come back to Burbank for over a year. She originally needs time to process the new memories and then starts to try and visit. Chuck and her do have plans to see each other that fall through multiple times. Sarah tries to take a few days off multiple times, but always ends up on extended missions. Chuck tells her it is fine, but she knows it isn't. When Chuck and Amelia try to come to Washington D.C., Amelia gets sick and Chuck decides it is not the best to bring a vomiting three-year-old on a plane. He is lucky that he bought the cancellation plan with his and Amelia's plane tickets. Sarah has mandatory meetings that weekend and they had planned around so she can't fly to Burbank, instead. They end up video chatting the whole weekend and it starts to become another thing they do often. Amelia starts pre-school in August 2015. It is only three days a week and half a day, but it complicates things and gives them yet another excuse not to try. In December, she gets some time off, but it is short notice and Chuck informs her that they won't be home because they are going on a small vacation with Ellie, Devon, and their kids. He invites her, but Sarah doesn't want to intrude on the vacation. She isn't ready for the family vacation and isn't sure she will ever be.

Things come up continuously and it gets to the point when neither are trying anymore. They video chat and talk on the phone, but neither try and plan a visit. Chuck hates it but doesn't push her. He thinks maybe he never had her to begin with. Sarah wishes things were different, but she is a spy. She shoves the memories and thoughts of a happy family and normal life back down again and buries them.

In May, Sarah gets handed a mission right outside of D.C. The C.I.A. had intel that a warehouse outside of D.C. was being used to try and recreate the very thing that destroyed her memories. She goes into the warehouse and is surprised to find the warehouse unprotected and empty. Her orders are still to destroy the building. As she starts to rig up the explosives, gunshots are fired at her. She immediately runs to cover and starts firing back. Soon after she hears a man yell in pain, she must have hit her target.

The yell is familiar, but she doesn't place it at first. She starts to sneak slowly out of her hiding place. She has to finish her mission. She can hear the man struggling to breathe but ignores it. He isn't shooting at her anymore and she doesn't care. The warehouse will blow up soon with him in it anyway.

"Gertrude, I have been shot. Our intel was wrong. There is still someone here," a man wheezes into his comm. Sarah can hear him, but still focuses on her mission.

"John…I am coming," a women voice echoes from the comm. It hits Sarah who it is as she rigs up the final explosive. She has shot a person she at one point would call a friend. Behind, her she hears a safety on a gun be turned off. She turns around to see Gertrude Verbanski with a gun aimed at Sarah's head.

"Sarah Walker, what the hell?" Verbanski shouts when Sarah turns around.

"I didn't realize it was him," Sarah says as she puts her hands up leaving the gun on the table.

"You better have not," she huffs as she runs around Sarah to where Casey was hiding.

Sarah freezes, she shot Casey. Her heart is pounding. She can't breathe. She wants to cry. If he dies tonight, it is her fault.

"Walker, call an ambulance!" Verbanski shouts her voice trembling. Sarah can't hear Casey anymore and know it can't be good. She pulls out her phone and calls.

The next few hours are a blur. Casey is taken to a hospital and Verbanski goes with him. By this point, Sarah has already called the General told her what happened leaving out the part where she shot Casey and that she thinks it isn't worth it to blow the building up. Sarah waits until a secondary team arrives at the site and leaves. At first, she doesn't know where she is going, but she ends up at the hospital where Casey was taken. She wonders the halls until she finds a waiting room with Gertrude Verbaski sitting in it.

"Is he okay?" Sarah chokes out. She is unsure if she is even welcome here.

"They don't know. He lost a lot of blood and his leg isn't in the best shape. If it comes down to they'll amputate it." She answers not looking at Sarah.

Sarah sits down across from the women who she barely knows, "I am sorry."

"It is okay. We are spies it happens," she says tells her. She looks up at Sarah, "It just shouldn't be a friend who shoots us, but there is nothing that can be done now."

They sit there in silence for a while. Sarah's phone eventually rings, and she sees it is Chuck. She really doesn't want to deal with him, now. She declines the call and stuffs the phone back into her jacket pocket.

"Was that Chuck?" Verabski asks.

"Yeah," she answers, "I just can't talk to him, now. He is a good person and I'm …."

"He probably is calling to tell you about Casey. By now, all of them know." Verbanski says looking at the clock.

"That's the problem. I can't tell him that I almost killed him. That I am the reason that he is on his death bed," Sarah protests.

"I actually don't think you should. I am pretty sure John would say the same thing. Chuck doesn't need any more reasons to resent you," she tells the women in front of her who has left the people that care about her multiple times.

"He resents me?" Sarah ponders out loud.

"Sometimes," she says shrugging, but not offering more of an explanation.

Gertrude and Sarah re-enter the silence after that. Sarah gets lost in her thoughts. Maybe she has been cruel to him. Maybe she could have tried harder to visit after the last time. But she doesn't remember, and she doesn't think at this point she ever will. She is just a cold-hearted spy that doesn't even remember anything about the man who continually holds out hope for her to return.

May 14, 2016

Sarah eventually does talk to Chuck briefly who lets her know Casey is in a hospital in D.C. She tells him she'll visit. The fact that she is at fault stays between her, Verbanski, Casey, and General Beckman. Alex, Morgan, and their little boy, Lukas, who is just a few months old fly out. Sarah visits occasionally just to check in. No one says much to her. His leg is still attached, but not in the best shape. He'll have to quite actively spying or whatever it is he does at Verbanski Corporation

The next time Chuck calls, Sarah is visiting Casey and sitting with him per Alex's request while everyone goes and gets food. Sarah just shakes her head when she sees it is him. She has been dodging his phone calls for the past week and today especially he has called her so many times. She knows why just like she knew why he called more on the 8th and the 9th which was Mother's Day and her own birthday respectively. She doesn't have the courage to pick up the stupid phone. Sarah can kill people, but she doesn't want to talk to Chuck when important dates come up.

"Is that Chuck?" Casey grunts out.

Sarah just nods her head and shoves the phone back into her pocket. She thought Casey was asleep. She wishes he was.

"You should give him a call. I won't mind if you step out," Casey tells her. When he sees her not move a muscle he continues, "One day, you'll regret all of this."

"I am trying my best," She brushes off as her phone rings yet again. She pulls it out of her pocket and see it is Chuck again. She declines the phone call and shoves it back in her pocket.

"You can't expect him to just give up," John Casey says slowly.

"I don't expect him to give up," Sarah tells the man who at one point she would call a friend.

"But, you have." Casey grunts out shaking his head.

"No… I don't know… I am just a spy," Sarah objects, "It isn't going to work."

"Maybe you should take into consideration that today is important to him,"

"That's why I can't. He wants her and this day to me...to me, it is another day," She tries to explain.

"You'll regret this," Casey repeats. He knows she doesn't want to hear it. But she needs to just like Devon needed to years ago, so he continues. "I regret not being there for Alex and I didn't even know about her. I would give anything to go back and watch her grow up. And I'll bet you will too. It isn't too late to be there for Mills though. She is just starting to understand you aren't there like other kid's moms are for them. She'll…"

The door opens before Casey continues or Sarah has a chance to answer. Verbanski, Morgan, Alex, and Lukas all enter. Alex sits on one side of the bed with Lukas on her lap. Gertrude takes the chair next to Casey. Sarah gets up and leaves as she starts to feel like she is invading a family moment.

"Walker just at least call him and let him know you're okay. He at least deserves that," Casey says as she leaves.

Sarah turns back and looks at the family. Morgan just nods and gives her a soft smile while the two women don't even look at her instead focused on the baby. He is laughing with a toothless grin and all Sarah can think is she has missed all of her daughter's young life. As she exits the room, she hears a floor sweeper going and is pulled into a memory. Chuck's proposing and she's saying yes. Her heart wants to run to him, but her brain tells her not to. It is a mental fight and for once her heart wins.