The games that break us

Author's note: Just a little note I want to leave about the previous chapter. There was this scene on TFA where Han Solo asks Rey where the Falcon had been and she tells him it was on Jakku, under Plutt and Han turns to Chewie and says that they should have double-checked the Western Regions better. So in this alternate universe which is canon-divergent really, Han and Chewie checked out the WR with Ben, found the Falcon on Jakku and along with that Ben stumbled across Rey. It turns out that this was so important because Rey not only helped Ben combat the darkness of his dreams, she also informed Luke about them and therefore stopped him from training further. And according to this story, prevented his fall to the Dark side and everything that came with it in canon.

Also check out this beautiful artwork by camminliu of Rey stepping out of the waters on twitter /Camminliu/status/1145443550428979200

I'll quit rambling now. Prepare yourselves for some angst.

Rey could have sworn she had left her clothes on the ledge of the patio.

But as she approaches it now, she notices that they are nowhere to be found. Which is odd. It's not windy. So there's no way they could have been blown away anywhere. And she can't imagine any kind of an animal taking them either. She hopes.

She sets her hands on her waist, blowing a strand of hair out of her face.

Where in the galaxy are my clothes?

"Good evening."

The deep rumble of a man's voice makes her nearly jump out of her skin. Her hands fly to her bare breasts and she squints in the darkness trying to make out the figure of the man sitting comfortably on the patio.

"Looking for something?"

Her eyes widen.

Oh, no…. No no no.

"What are you doing out here?"

"Enjoying the view," he drawls to her utter mortification.

Because what else would this man say on such a situation. His sense of humor is simply wicked. She is so thankful to that little part of logic in the back of her mind that had screamed at her to keep her underpants on before diving in.

Rey feels heat blooming in her chest and spreading to her face. "Did you take my clothes?"

He chuckles a deep, self-assured, throaty sound and brings a glass to his lips under what little moonlight filters through the foliage.

Bastard.

She cannot believe this is happening to her. She could have sworn everyone was in their rooms for the night, sound asleep. There is no way she would have ever taken the risk to go skinny dipping in the lake if she knew someone was awake. And she did pass outside his bedroom to verify that he was asleep.

Only he wasn't… Of course.

Because he's so damn good at hiding himself in the Force. Rey wants to smack herself for her stupidity.

It infuriates her to imagine how long he has been sitting there watching her.

"Give me my clothes back, Ben."

"Come and get them."

She glares at the two moons, clutching her small breasts in her hands and feeling as if this is some kind of a cruel joke the universe has decided to play on her.

How could she have been so stupid?

"Rey?"

"What!"

She can almost hear the smirk in his voice. "Come here. I won't bite."

She actually kind of doubts that.

"This isn't funny, Ben. I don't know what you're trying to prove with this."'

"Aren't you just a little curious to find out?"

"No."

She can see him shrugging in the shadows. "Suit yourself."

A couple of moments tick by where Rey really considers making a run for her room in the hopes she won't come across any of the droids oreven worse his mother roaming around the corridors and raise strange suspicions about her midnight habits. Because that would be simply…

Damn it.

She walks up the patio and comes to stand next to his seated form. He has his feet perched on the table and he's dressed in loose nightclothes himself. His dark hair is highlighted in silver but his eyes are as dark as ever. He takes a sip of his drink without taking his gaze off her.

"I want my clothes back."

"Good…" he croons. "Knowing what you want is always good. Now… Ask for them."

"I'm not asking for my clothes. They're mine.'

"I'm the one who has his hands on them right now and can do what I want. So. Go on. Ask."

He is not making any sense, Rey concludes feeling completely puzzled. And mad. And utterly embarrassed. If he wants to play some form of twisted game in the middle of the night he'll have to find someone else to do that. Because it most certainly won't be her.

She raises her hand to snatch them with the Force, but Ben is too quick. He grabs them midair and puts them behind his back.

And gives her this look.

That Rey knows even in this darkness that it brings nothing but trouble. He gets off his seat.

"Ben?"

And approaches slowly, coming to tower over her. Rey wraps her arms around her chest, making sure nothing is showing. She feels her ears start to heat as well. Does he have to stand so close?

"Ben, what do you think you're doing?"

He tsk's and tilts his head.

"You're a disobedient little thing, aren't you? I would normally not let this pass but…" he taps her nose with his index finger and gives her a smirk. "I'll be generous with you and forgive your little trespass. For tonight."

"My trespass! Has the shuttle accident given you a concussion? You've stolen my clothes and have left me standing half naked in front of you while you're practically having a riot watching me get all worked up and embarrassed."

"There's no reason for you to feel embarrassed."

"Are you listening to anything I'm saying?"

"Well, you're obviously not aware of what I've been seeing."

"What?"

He leans is just a tad bit closer. "You look beautiful under the moonlight, Rey," he rumbles. "Forgive me for wanting to enjoy the sight for a few more moments."

She blinks up at him. Feeling his words tumble delicately down her body and land down low. At that same place as…

How does he do this?

Rey can't help but wonder. Turn her world upside down with just two words. She's the one standing exposed before him but somehow he's making her feel like she's the one who holds all the power over him.

She narrows her eyes at him.

He's so manipulative.

And darts around his side to snatch her clothes again, but he beats her to it raising them over his head with another one of his dark chuckles.

Rey stares helplessly at her stuff bunched tightly in his grasp almost two feet over her head.

"Ask for your clothes back. Nicely. Or else…"

Rey growls in frustration.

She sees little fingers stretch up above towards the towering teenage boy clutching at the little droid she's assembling. "Give it back, it's mine!" But the boy laughs his heart out and taps at her nose. "Not unless you say please, little one…"

"Ben…"

"Do it."

It's… So strange. How this makes her feel.

Ok. Maybe she will. Just because she is so curious to see what he's up to.

His gaze feels heavy in the dark as it continues to regard her.

"I would like to have my clothes back."

He shifts over her, crowding her in, reminding her how fragile she must look in comparison to him. For a second she thinks he'll reach over and wrap his arm around her waist again, run his long thick fingers through her wet strands. But he does none of these. He doesn't touch her. Just like he'd promised.

He licks his lips. "That's not good enough, Rey. Say it again. Like you mean it."

His eyes are on her, simmering with expectation. Waiting.

Rey contemplates her answer. "Can I have my clothes back, please?"

He smiles. That lovely smile that spreads to his eyes and works its way around her heart. He must feel very satisfied for some reason.

"That's my girl. Yes, you may have them."

He brings his hand down, sets her clothes on the table and plucks the towel from the top.

"I think I can do that for myself, thank you," she says a little warily as she watches him unfold the towel in the air.

"I'm not finished."

"Oh, I think you are," Rey goes to grasp the cloth dangling in front of her but his gaze stops her.

"Ben."

"Quiet."

She flinches slightly at his tone of voice. Feels as if she's being scolded for doing something wrong. He makes everything sound as if there is some kind of power play behind his words and intentions. Rey really doesn't know what to make of it.

"Lift your arms up."

Rey blushes furiously at that. He can't be serious.

"Ben, you know I can't do that… You'll have to turn around in order for me to…"

"I won't look."

"Excuse me?"

"I said I won't look."

"How can you not look when you are standing right in front of me. Ben, please…"

His eyes shut as if taking some kind of immense pleasure out of hearing her use that word. It looks... decadent. And a little thrill runs up her spine knowing that she's the source of it. Rey makes a mental note to try it again in the future and see if it has the same effect on him as now. Chances are it's all because of the moonlit night and the shadows it casts over this strange secret little game.

But you never know…

Ben opens them too soon. And looks at her all stern and somber. But there's this feeling deep inside them that Rey sees. This longing and sacred need. And affection.

"Rey, I want you to trust me. I will simply wrap the towel around your body. I won't look and I won't touch you."

This must be the oddest request any one has ever asked. But Rey can't do it. It's too personal. Too close.

Too dangerous.

"Lift your arms up for me, sweetie."

She looks at him pleadingly. Hoping he'll somehow change his mind and stop playing this strange game with her. Rey knows that she could just walk away. Just turn around and go inside the house and put all this behind her. Not give it a second thought.

But it's too late.

Something inside her is already hooked. Curious and drawn to this dark man and his odd, wicked games. He is so much like a petulant child, wanting and demanding things which are not his. Only to break them when he gets his hands on them. Out of boredom. Out of enthusiasm. It doesn't really matter.

Because Rey is afraid of what will happen when he gets his hands on her.

She eventually does as he dictates, though. She can't resist.

"That's it. Now, don't move. Just look into my eyes. I won't look down. Trust me…"

Rey feels the soft fabric of her towel wrap around her body and he ties it in front of her with daft fingers. And surely enough she hasn't felt his touch on her skin. Just like he had promised. Part of her feels a little disappointed at that. His hands drop to his side but he doesn't pull away. He looms over her. Eyes lingering on hers.

Soft. Molten.

Consuming.

And Rey can't help but sense that something extraordinary is happening. Something she has no words to describe.

"Ben, what is this?" She whispers.

"You don't know," he breathes out. "You still don't know…"

No, she doesn't. All she knows is that her heart feels as it if will burst.

"You're so innocent in this." His eyes roam her face. "So inexperienced. I forget the world you've come from at times."

"You've come from the same world, Ben. We're not that different you and I."

His face darkens at that and his eyes dart a little anxious. That disobedient strand of hair slips and falls in his face and he looks at her from behind it seemingly at unease. In need to hide.

"I'm not like that anymore…"

Rey lifts her hand.

"I think you are."

And touches it.

It feels so soft between her fingers as she brushes it away from his gaze. She sets it back in place but his hair feels so thick and silky under her fingers and Rey can't pull away. She explores. Allows her fingers to get buried in the silver and black, and he holds, oh so still as she brings them down to his black scar. He doesn't flinch in pain but Rey knows it's there. She knows a lot of it is buried in this man.

Her fingertips trail down the scar ever so lightly, all the way down to where it disappears under his suddenly Ben shifts, he grabs the hem of his shirt and tugs it off his head, baring the rest of its path for her to explore.

His chest heaves under her touch, the strong muscles taught from this unspoken tension that runs down his body. The scar on his left side is even more pronounced in the shadows. A wide crevice of fresh skin covering its width. The result of her own healing powers. Rey feels her eyes sting as her fingers drop to run over the rim of his scar.

"I was so afraid I'd lose you," he whispers.

Rey nods fervently as a tear breaks through and runs down her face. He brings his hand up as if to wipe it but stops midair, before clenching it into a fist and letting it drop to his side.

"Me too," she says.

And then she does it. She timidly places her hand on top of his heart. Splays her fingers on the expanse of muscle. And let'sherselffeel.

The smooth skin and hard muscle.

The wild thud of his heart.

The delicious ache inside it.

The care…

Rey gets lost in them.

And suddenly everything disappears. Ben abruptly pulls away, breaking off whatever sensation was opening between them.

"I can't." He says hoarsely clawing at his shirt in a hurry to put it back on. Rey feels as if she's been cinched. "I thought I could but I can't do this…"

"Ben?" A shiver runs down her body. "Did I do something to upset you?"

"No, no…" He rakes his hair away from his face.

"Did I hurt you when I touched your scars?"

"No, it's not that…" He runs his hands down his shirt, straightening the creases.

"Then, what is it?"

He turns around looking for his tumbler. He's a mess.

"Ben. Look at me!"

He stills, snapping his eyes at her. Her breath stops at how desperate and frightened they suddenly seem. She never thought she'd see him look so afraid.

"It's Hannah," he blurts out. "I can't do this because of Hannah."

And that name feels like a slap across her face.

"Hannah?" she stutters. "After all this time and all that I've seen you do, suddenly you remember your fiancée? I thought you didn't care about her that you didn't…"

"Of course I care about her."

"Then why? Why do you humiliate the relationship you have with her and…"

"I have tremendous respect for Hannah!"

The night stills and time suspends.

His heated face is inches from hers and Rey is this close to slapping him once more. Because how could he? How could he lie and manipulate and play games with people's hearts when all along he had every intention of crushing them without remorse.

"How could you?" Her eyes suddenly fill up with tears. "All this time you had me fooled. I thought that you cared. That you still knew how!" Rey shakes her head laughing to herself because how could she have been so stupid around this man. So unguarded. "I have been so wrong about you. You play these foolish games that mean nothing to you and lead me on to believe that they do. But you lie! You deceive me and you lie…" She hiccups a sob. " …and you embarrass me. With no regrets! You have no idea how ashamed I am, for feeling the things I do for you."

His eyes widen at her words just as Rey wipes at the tears brimming at the corners of her eyes.

"Wait!" He reaches for her but stops again, inches from her shoulders with a growl of frustration. "Feeling what things?"

"Are you insane?" she spits at him.

"Yes! Maybe... Everyone says I am."

"Get out of my way, I want to go inside.'

"No!" He comes to stand between her and the entrance of the balcony door. "Tell me. I want to know."

"I'm not telling you a thing. Leave me alone!"

"Tell me how you feel, Rey!"

"No! Get away from me."

"Say it."

"You're fucked up! Ok?"

"No that's not it. That's not how you feel."

"I hate you! How's that?"

He growls.

"Say it, damn it!"

"I love you, Ben…" her little childhood voice says to the teenage boy fiddling with the components of his new lightsaber. Her heart feels as if it will combust and her small hands are fiddling with a piece of cloth. The boy looks up from his saber with wide eyes. "I will always love you," she declares boy cracks his wide smile at her the one that always lifts her heart. "What's gotten into you all of a sudden, you little dweeb? Did you watch some stupid show on the holonet?"

He has his hands inches from her face and his forehead a hair away from hers, but he is not touching her. "I have to know… Please…"

It splits her heart in two.

"You no longer deserve it," she whispers.

She feels his breath fan on her lips. Maybe the softness of his own lips brush against hers. Rey doesn't know. She just doesn't know. "Let me touch you, Rey," his deep voice groans like a wounded animal's. "Let me show you…"

It makes her want to cave in. It makes her break.

"You said you can't."

His hand slams the wooden beam behind her. Somehow she has backed up towards the patio doors without realizing. The cold surface of the glass is stinging her back. And his eyes are tearing her apart.

"Please…"

"No."

He crashes his hands on the glass behind her, cracking its surface and cages her between his arms. He writhes and shakes around her. A maelstrom in the making, on the verge of being unleashed.

His head drops to the curve of her neck and she feels his hot breath burn her skin is small puffs. She trembles lightly, blinking her tears away and clutching her hands into fists.

Staring at the two moons witnessing their downfall.

But he doesn't touch her.

Gods have mercy, Ben does not touch her.

Rey waits.

She waits for the storm to subside.

Because it will. All storms do.

The two moons have drifted apart when he finally raises his head to look at her.

"I'm not in love with Hannah," he finally says in a low voice. "And Hannah is not in love with me. It's an engagement of convenience. For political reasons. We've made a deal."

Rey should feel slightly relieved at hearing this. But she doesn't. Her gaze remains pinned on the two moons. How insignificant this all must seem to them. She thinks. How trivial. To watch two people fall apart on earth from the safety of the sky.

She senses him swallow because he is so painfully close still, with those large hands splayed on the cracked glass behind her.

"This can mean everything you want it to mean. Or nothing at all." He continues in a hoarse voice. He is coaxing. Stirring this thing inside her that will most certainly devour her whole is she lets it grow. Rey must not allow that to happen.

"It can't mean anything, Ben."

His head drops once again for a moment but it comes nowhere nearly close to touching her. He pushes himself away and looks to the side biting at his lip. He nods. To himself. Or maybe to her as well.

"It won't then."

Their eyes meet. And Rey just wants to…

"Hey, what's wrong, baby girl? Why are you crying?" She buries her face in the boy's chest trying to swallow the sobs wrecking her little body. His arms wrap around her in concern. "Did anybody pick on you again?"

She looks away.

"You can't be this way around me," she says to him, willing more tears from brimming. "It's not good for us."

"I know."

"And it would be best if we left this behind us."

His chuckle breaks the tense silence between them. It rumble in his chest and reverberates in hers.

"Ok," he concedes.

"Can I have my clothes now?"

"They're on the table."

Oh.

"Right."

She shuffles her way to them and back again, coming to stand in front of him almost instinctively. He has his hands set in his pockets and hasn't moved an inch from his spot. He's staring at the moons.

"Ben?'

"What."

She sighs. Rey knows he's not ready yet. "Nevermind… I'm heading to bed."

"You do that."

"Aren't you coming with me?"

He fixes her with that look.

Rey wants to swallow her tongue. "I mean, won't you be heading to your bed?"

He curls his lips, looking very smug. But somehow his eyes remain unaffected. Sad. "No, I'll have a couple of more drinks and probably take a swim in the lake. I'll be up for a while. You know that."

She clutches her beloved clothes to her chest.

He leans in lightly. But stops himself before he gets too close. "Goodnight, Rey."

Rey finds herself wanting to turn back time, to erase this whole wretched night. Every single moment of it.

Except one.

"Goodnight, Ben."

The wild beat of her heart when he stands this close.

She leaves him be with his sharp profile trained on the two moons.

Author's note: Guilty and awaiting your verdict *author peeks between fingers.

Also, I just wanted to share this with you. I have been listening to "Shallow" by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper a lot while writing this story. I love the simplicity of the lyrics and how it fluctuates from tender notes to dramatic in a matter of seconds. It reflects the image I have of Ben and Rey in this story very much.