Hunger
Author's note: Warning. Possible eating disorder.
He's awfully quiet when he comes down the next morning.
He takes a seat at the head of the kitchen table, dressed in an impeccable black suit and with his dark hair combed back and falling in perfect glossy waves. He is freshly shaven and smells sinfully good and Rey practically buries her face in her large steaming mug of caf, inhaling a lungful of its bitter scent.
Because she cannot be this affected by him already.
He settles in his chair tugging on the cuffs of his shirt, seemingly indifferent. Nothing betrays the agony of their previous night. But Rey knows better by now. Because when he looks at her, she feels the whole room shrink away.
And it physically hurts to have him be so close to her.
Finn next to her is completely oblivious to their exchange, as he continues to crunch on his morning cereal. Leia Organa stirs her sugar in her morning tea, watching her son out of the corner of her eye.
"Are you leaving?"
"I am."
"Staying an extra day wouldn't be all that big of a deal, Ben."
"The High Chancellor doesn't have a day, mother," he responds broodily reaching for his cup of caf. "He's already on his way to Coruscant to meet with me. Markus, Frederick and a few others are as well. I can't be late on my own planet."
"You're still recuperating from your wounds. I don't think any of them would have been willing to run to meetings two days after nearly losing their lives."
Ben sniffs. "I highly doubt they are in any condition to run anywhere."
Leia raises an eyebrow at him.
"Don't be cocky about your age, young man. You still have a lot to learn. And thinking with the right head is one of them."
He stills in the middle of picking up a small doughnut from the platter in front of Rey, those long fingers digging in the sugared cream. And glares at his mother.
He sets the doughnut on his plate smacking his thumb between his plush lips and lifting his cup of caf with those fingertips wrapped snugly around the porcelain. Rey never believed she would notice such small things about anyone up until now. "I don't know what you're talking about. I always think with a clear head."
His mother raises her eyebrow humming accusingly at him. "That is not what you were doing yesterday at the discussions."
"I am not having this conversation with you."
"I suggest you start acting a little more maturely then. The galaxy is at stake, here."
"You think I don't know that?" He booms suddenly. Finn snaps his head up while Rey slurps on her caf innocently, trying to make herself as small as possible in this morning debate between mother and son. "You think I don't know? You of all people should understand what I am trying to accomplish here, mother! You disappoint me."
"Ben, I know…I understand the reasons behind all your struggles. The battleships you have ordered and your urgency to get everyone's approval. I understand the reasons behind approaching the Chiss. Trying to make them part of the Republic…"
Rey's eyes snap at him.
The Chiss?
"I know the reasons, Ben. I understand them more than anyone else…" She wraps her small hand around his forearm. "But this alliance doesn't have to be at a personal cost."
Ben has made a deal with the Chiss? No one has ever been able to do that before.
A feeling akin to dread wraps around Rey's chest.
"But the Republic turned them down! What else could I…?" He stops mid-sentence pushing his untouched plate away. And rubs at his eyes. "Coruscant is a powerful ally for them. They have agreed to help us against the First Order. And track it down in the Unknown Regions if Snoke decides to go into hiding. They wouldn't have done so if they didn't see the benefits of this."
"I wasn't aware of that. Hannah must have influenced her father..."
"She has." His voice is barely audible by now.
And Rey feels a numbness so bone deep that she doesn't know if she'll be able to stand on her legs again. Ben really is marrying for political reasons. And has picked a very powerful but secluded and proud world to make an alliance with. One that he cannot take his word back from.
So this is it…
Rey swallows around a tight throat.
She had been so close to giving in to him yesterday. So close to letting him touch her or letting him…
Rey swears she never would have been able to come back from such a breaking point.
"Are you alright, child?" Leia says. She snaps her head up to see everyone is staring at her.
Ben's eyes are on her as intense as always. And her heart is already starting to accelerate painfully at the mere thought of yesterday night and damn it now her stomach is in knots and she can't eat anymore.
"You have a little crumb on the side of your…" he gestures awkwardly at her while Rey watches him confused, "…lips."
"Which lips?"
Ben stares at her and Rey watches to her dread his eyes smolder and his expression turn dark. "Which ones are you thinking about, Rey?"
Oh gods…
She quickly rubs at her face with a napkin, looking away because she can feel Leia Organa's hawkish eyes switch over to Ben.
Finn looks at her a little confused.
"You ok there, peanut?"
Rey nods with heated cheeks, digging her spoon in to her yogurt zealously. She can practically feel Ben's heavy gaze on her following her every breath. But she refuses to look back. She refuses to let him know anything about how he makes her feel.
She looks at Finn instead with a smile. "Yeah, I'm fine. I think I have a bit of a sunstroke from yesterday." He smiles back relieved.
There's a clanking of a fork on a porcelain plate.
"So, tell me…Fonn is it?" Ben leans back on his chair in what seems like deliberate nonchalance.
"It's Finn." He corrects him politely but sternly.
"Finn. Of course… Do forgive me, I nearly got killed the other day from your ex-employer. My memory is still playing tricks on me."
"No problem."
Ben curls his lips. "Do me a favor, and explain to me how is it that a Stormtrooper who is working in … sanitation, was it?"
"Yes."
"…has such good knowledge of Starkiller Base and the technological specifications needed to bring down a weapon of such magnitude? Because, call me overbearing or paranoid… it doesn't add up."
Finn straightens his back and Rey's gaze sharpens on Ben.
Really? He wants to do this now?
"He isn't lying," She quickly rises to Finn's defense.
"I'm not accusing him of lying," he drawls. "I am simply curious."
"No you're not. You're accusing him of being a spy!"
"Rey, its' fine," Finn sets his hand on her forearm which Ben doesn't miss. "I can handle him."
Ben chuckles darkly. "Handle me? Who do you think you're speaking to, Stormtrooper?"
"Ben!" His mother interferes. "Finn is our guest. And I believe we have already established his credibility. What are you trying to prove?"
"He's' not trying to prove anything. He's just being his usual arrogant self." Rey looks at him pointedly.
"What I am trying to do is get to the bottom of what happened the other night, Rey. Someone knew I would be alone, and sent Snoke's dogs to hunt me down."
"It sounds then like you should be checking out your immediate surroundings and leave Finn out of this. You know damned well that Finn had nothing to do with the attempt."
He glares at her for a long moment before pursing his lips and tossing the napkin cloth on the table. He scrapes his chair back and gets up.
"Ben, you can't be serious," Leia exclaims. "Sit down and have your breakfast."
"I've lost my appetite." He grits out. "My ship should be here any moment and I have a lot on my mind."
He storms for the door but stops a few paces before reaching it. He turns to face Rey with that stony façade she is really starting to despise. "The Stormtrooper will be joining Dameron on his mission. You are free to join them if you wish."
Rey's stomach falls right through the floor. "Don't you want me with you anymore?"
"That is not…" he pauses clearing his voice and shutting his eyes for a split moment. "That is not what I said. I am simply giving you the option to leave if you no longer want to be… with me." Something softens at the way he looks at her. "That's all."
Rey cans swear she can hear the whirring of a cleaning droid at the other side of the house.
"I want to stay with you…"
He regards her silently for a few tense moments. And nods.
Leia looks over at Rey, just as Ben hurries out of the kitchen.
"Is there something I should know about? Has he hurt you in any way?"
She shakes her head lightly. "No, ma'am. Why would you think that?"
"I know my son."
"He's been nothing but cordial towards me."
Leia studies her with those intelligent eyes that resemble so much her son's. She doesn't seem to buy it. But doesn't say anything else to inconvenience her. "Do try to look out for him, child," she says softly. "You're my only hope."
And somehow, the promise that comes out from her weighs heavier than any other promise Rey has ever made.
"I will."
Rey does not get to talk to him much throughout the day because the moment they board his ship he is instantly flanked by Kaydel and two of his team with their reports at hand, filling him in on the latest developments in Coruscant.
Jeff walks up to her with his warm smile to greet her but her gaze remains glued on Ben's tailored back, as he makes his way down the corridor of the ship and towards the Conference room. He hasn't signaled for her to follow him. He hasn't even looked at her since the kitchen.
"Are you alright?"
"Yes, I… Yes. I'm fine."
"Would you like to get something to drink at the ship's lounge? I still have a few more moments to spare before the Governor, you know, decides to grind me with his questions. I think he gets worse by the day," he laughs at that but Rey doesn't join him. She doesn't even find it funny.
"The Governor is under a lot of pressure trying to protect this galaxy from the First Order. Maybe you should cut him some slack."
Jeff flinches but Rey finds herself not really caring. It's not the first time Jeff has spoken badly about Ben and Rey feels guilty for having done so in the past as well. Even in a light, humorous way. "Thank you for the offer but I don't want to distract you from your work. I'll be in the ship's cockpit if the Governor needs me."
His face falls and something cold emanates from him.
"Sure, no problem. I'll catch up with you later."
Rey watches him enter the Conference room, making a mental note to herself not let anyone from Ben's team slide by, without at least skimming some of their surface thoughts.
The ship cuts through hyperspace as if it's butter.
Rey has struck a conversation with the ship's pilots and has even been allowed to fly the ship on her own. So she settles in the pilot's seat excited to get her hands on such state of the art technology. She wraps her hand around the lever and a thrill runs up her spine. It feels amazing. The smooth sensation of the lever in her hand, the engine vibrating beneath it and the idea that she is in control of such a powerful ship…
His ship.
It makes her feel…
Flustered actually. Because her mind is going to a place she is most definitely not allowed to think about. She jumps out of the seat and the pilot scrabbles to take over slightly panicky.
Rey tries not to look at that lever again for the remainder of the trip.
The trip does not last long, as expected. And soon enough, she is on Ben's side walking down the ramp and onto the landing bay of what seems to be an important Government building. Coruscant lies in all its architectural magnificence beneath their feet, and Rey nearly gapes at the view.
"There's no time for this," Ben says. His face is stern and his hair is already starting to fall from its place. The telltale sign of him running his hand through his hair.
Ben is stressed.
Rey stands in his meeting a few feet away from him, with her hands clasped behind her back and her feet slightly spread on the ground. She stares impassively out the large window of yet another Conference room in the Government district, at the endless expanse of towers and domed buildings stretching all the way to the far horizon of what used to be the capital city of the Old Republic. The arguments are tense as a handful of main Core leaders try to decide on a plan to face the First Order. But personal vendettas and economic rivalries seem to get in the way.
Ben looks composed. It seems like he has won over the majority of the leaders, including the High Chancelor but there are still a few which seem reluctant to oppose the First Order and are pushing for negotiations.
From what Finn has told her about Snoke and the Order, the notion sounds ludicrous.
The meeting runs late into the night and an ugly argument between Ben and the Prime Minister of Correlia eventually erupts. With snide remarks and hits below the belt from both sides. Rey decides to shove the Prime Minister into his seat with the Force, after a particularly nasty comment about Ben's heritage. Everyone regards her in shock, except for Ben who simply raises a brow at her before he goes on to threaten Correlia by saying he'd remove all of Coruscant's banking branches from the planet. The Prime Minister remains seated after that. And silent.
The day has its toll on Ben.
Rey can see it in the curve of his hunched shoulders and the solemnness of his face, as they make their way down the long corridors of the Government building. She would have never seen the difference a few days ago.
The corridors that had been bristling with activity earlier in the afternoon are now practically empty. Just a late employee here and there doing late night work in their illuminated office. Their footsteps echo in the empty halls, the only sound heard besides the whirring of the cleaning droids. He remains silent.
And distant.
Rey boards a sleek black shuttle and sits across from him marveling once more at the view of the city. He sits quietly looking out his window, buried in his blacks with just the occasional outside light illuminating his face. She can't bear to see him this way.
"Did you see the Prime Minister's face at the end?" She comments in an attempt to lift his spirits. It works. A little. Because he sniffs in the darkness and she thinks she sees him smirk.
"He looked like a Gungan out of the water," he says.
Rey snorts and covers her mouth to suppress a giggle. "I thought he would burst."
He chuckles warmly at that and Rey can sense his gaze on her for a few moments before he withdraws and looks out his window again
Rey decides to leave him be.
But the shuttle doesn't take them to the estate like she had expected. Instead it lands on the small private landing bay of the top floor of a luxurious apartment building. Two of his security men are standing guard outside the main doors. The night is pleasant and the sky is quiet as they approach and Rey can see the tension on Ben's shoulders slowly subside.
"Good evening, sir. My lady."
"Good evening, Mike," he acknowledges them and signals for them to fall at ease. "Damien."
"Sir."
Rey smiles at the guys.
"Is this yours as well?" She asks as the doors hiss open and a few lights turn on upon their entry.
He shrugs off his overcoat and tosses it on a chair. "Yes, it's close to the Government district. I find it convenient."
"So, I'll be staying here with you?"
"You're my bodyguard," he mumbles as he moves further inside. Rey follows him, taking a look around the large apartment. It's modern, unpretentious but very impersonal, composed mainly of sleek dark wood, metal surfaces and glass. Its decorations are few but impressive, definitely from some very expensive artist that's popular at this time and there are a few paintings hanging in strategic spots adding color and balancing out the overall masculine simplicity of his home.
It completely contradicts him as a character.
He has disappeared without a word in the apartment and Rey is left alone to roam around the lounge, dining room and pristine kitchen and to further explore, discover and piece together this tempestuous man who wants to govern all.
She's about to enter an office when she spots something that leaves her with a gaping mouth. There are a few framed sketches made with charcoal on white parchment hanging at the end of a corridor that leads to what must be the bedrooms. Rey wouldn't have given them any other thought. No more than the rest of the artwork decorating his place, that is. But they are sketches of Luke's Academy and its students, and in the middle of them all, there is a portrait of a young sleeping girl, with her face half buried in a pillow and her hand hanging of the side of the bed. And it is none other than her own nine year old self.
"Ben?"
Has he made it himself? It's too accurate to be made by some random artist. It looks so much like her and… it's hanging in his apartment. Her nine year old portrait is hanging in his apartment. Rey cannot wrap her mind around what this means.
"Ben is this…"
"You. Yes."
He has emerged from one of the doors slipping on a soft shirt. He brushes by her barely giving the portrait a glance. Or her.
Then this must mean…
He's thought about me.
"You knew who I was when Luke introduced me to you."
"I wasn't sure. It wasn't until you mentioned your last name being Jakku that I figured out what he and my mother had done."
"What do you mean?"
He enters the kitchen walking up to the refrigerator and opening it. It's stocked to the brim with vegetables and fruit and meats and cheeses and all sorts of food that Rey can't wait to get her hands on. But Ben only pulls out a bottle of food supplement, cracks it open and starts downing the content while making his way to his office.
Rey hates when he ignores her like that. He's very good at ignoring her when he doesn't want to answer a question that makes him uncomfortable. But Rey never did let that slide. Not even when she was young.
"What has Luke and your mother done? Why am I involved?"
He stills by the door and turns around warily. "If you haven't figured this out by now, I am not going to be the one to tell you." He states and disappears inside. "Make yourself comfortable and tell me what you want to eat. I'll have a cooking droid prepare something for you." Rey can hear his voice drift to her from inside the office.
"Aren't you going to eat?"
"I've got work to do."
Rey huffs.
Stubborn oaf.
She hates when he speaks in riddles.
Rey glances back at the refrigerator and feels her stomach give out a grumble of approval. They have not eaten anything since this morning in Chandrila, and Rey has been suppressing her protesting stomach for hours. Ben on the other hand doesn't seem to be particularly affected by hunger. Apart from his foul mood that is. In fact, Rey can't recall when she's seen him have a proper meal. In Chandrila Leia was after his case constantly to have something to eat, while he stalked around the house with just a mug of caf in his hand.
Rey shrugs. If he wants to starve himself, that's his thing. She's hungry. And is most definitely invading that refrigerator for food.
A half an hour later, and after a good searching and rummaging through the spotless and never before used kitchen for the proper utensils, Rey has managed to put together a semblance of dinner. The buttered vegetables are steaming in a plate on the table, a fresh salad has been chopped up and sprinkled with oil and cider dressing, and she's' just finishing grilling two bantha steaks seasoned with spices. Just in case he changes his mind. The kitchen exhaust is on so when she feels a head lean over her shoulder to take a look at what she's doing Rey nearly jumps from fright.
"You have got to stop creeping up on me like this."
"What are you making?"
"What does it look like?"'
"Don't be a smartass with me."
Rey removes the steak from the grilling pan, sets it on a plate and sprinkles some herbs on top.
"It's called dinner, Ben. I'm starving and haven't eaten anything all day. You might be satisfied with that stupid food supplement from your ridiculously large refrigerator but I need actual food inside me. So, if you don't' mind, run along and go back to your office to pester whoever you feel like you have to at this late hour, and let me eat in peace. You have barely spoken to me all day. Why start now?"
She shrugs past him, grabs a knife and fork, and settles at the table where the rest of the food is. She's about to start cutting her juicy steak when she hears a screech and sees Ben sitting across from her. She tries to ignore his gaze on her and goes on to stuff her mouth with the delicious steak. She moans around the bite and nods to herself.
"This is really, really good."
She has to admit she did a pretty good job even at this late hour.
She forks some lettuce and adds it in her mouth as well chewing happily despite Ben's indiscernible gaze set on her.
"Do you want some?" She reluctantly asks him around a full mouth. She really hopes not because she's very hungry.
He shakes his head no. But still watches her unwavering from his spot. Rey doesn't know what to make of him at times. "Aren't you hungry at all?"
"Yes."
"Then why don't you eat?" She gestures at the food splayed on the table with her fork.
"I can't."
Rey stops chewing and looks at him. Those dark eyes of his are regarding her as if she is something he would have for a meal. Rey tries to brush it aside. She knows how dangerous it can be to play games around this man.
"Ben, I'm serious."
"As am I."
"Are you allergic to food?"
He cracks that smile and looks to the side.
"Your mother has been after you to get something to eat back at your home."
"She's always after me about something."
"It's called concern."
He fiddles with her glass twirling it between his long fingers and avoids to look at her. Rey stuffs a steamed vegetable in her mouth and chews pensively.
"Do you live alone?"
"I don't like company. Not unless I seek for it."
There's that look again.
Rey pauses feeling her bite drop to her stomach like lead. She pushes her plate away and wipes at her mouth. "I don't want to impose." She goes to stand up.
"No!"
But stops.
"I don't mind you. I never minded you... Please. Sit."
Rey does as he says but feels this conversation is becoming very difficult to handle. She doesn't want a repeat of last night but she can't just stay with him without clarifying certain things. The last thing she needs is to come across his fiancée one jolly morning as she walks out of the fresher or some random woman. It makes her stomach twist in on itself and suddenly Rey is not that hungry.
"Doesn't… Hannah come to see you? Don't the two of you spend time together? You're supposed to be getting married in…" Hell, when are they supposed to be getting married? Rey doesn't even know that.
"A month," He mumbles raking his hand through that hair. He makes it seem as if it's a death sentence. And maybe in a sense it is.
For us.
The traitorous little thought slips in her mind before she's able to stop it. And her chest clenches painfully.
Only a month.
"Hannah and I have a deal," he begins running his index finger around the hem of her glass. "Her father is the head of the Chiss's Aristocra. She helps me gain her father's trust, and I give her a way out of her society that she so desperately wants. Our marriage is the ticket."
"But it's still a marriage you don't want."
"Don't sound like my mother. You're not here to question the decisions I make." He scrambles off his chair nearly knocking it to the ground. "We don't know the military capacity of the First Order. The Republic has to be prepared for the worst! And if the Republic is not aware of this, I have to do something about it."
"Ben…"
He turns his back to her and sets his hands on the kitchen counter. His rough breathing the unmistakable evidence of the anxiety coursing through his body.
Rey suddenly thinks she understands. Understands the reasons behind his solemn demeanor and his quick to rise temper. His sleepless nights and the loneliness that plagues him. His search for pleasures of the flesh. For power. The insatiable need to control and dominate over everyone. His constant want for things he cannot have.
His hunger.
Rey believes all these things are interconnected somehow in this man. And it will be excruciatingly hard to unravel them and bring them to the light. He might not even be aware of them himself. He might not know how to handle them.
He doesn't eat.
She realizes all of a sudden. Ben barely eats… She quickly flips back to all the times she's been with him. The Senate, his ship, Canto bight. Chandrila. The way he's watched her eat the simplest of foods with burning eyes. When all she has seen him eat in turn are a few bites. Is he punishing himself? Who knows what other strange habits have risen from this overwhelming weight on his shoulders. Rey wonders if Ben is striving for more than just protecting the Republic.
If he's trying to uphold his legacy.
Or to burn it to the ground.
Rey rubs at her forehead.
This is a lot more difficult then protecting him from Snoke. Were Leia and Luke aware of all this when they called her in?
She glances at him. He still has his back turned to her and his head dropped.
Rey slips off her chair. She takes her plate and fork and lightly walks towards him. He doesn't move when she climbs on the kitchen counter next to him with her plate on her lap.
"Ben?"
"Rey, I can't fight you too, in all this."
"I know."
Can she do this?
She raises her fork towards him. There's a piece of buttered green vegetable on its tip.
"I think I should have put a little more salt. But I'm not sure. And it might be slightly overcooked now that I look at it."
He slides his eyes at the fork.
"It looks fine."
She slips it in her mouth and moans a little at its taste. His gaze remains on her and she thinks she sees it simmer a little. She forks a piece of meat. And points it at him.
Can she help him deal with his own self?
"I think this definitely needs salt. Can you tell me what you think? Please?"
He stares at the bite seemingly in battle with himself. But sure enough after a long moment of hesitation he leans in, opens his mouth slightly and wraps his lips around the tip of the fork. He peels back chewing.
"Don't be in a hurry," she says. "Savor the taste. I can wait."
She forks two more vegetables and points them his way as well.
Will she be able to walk away from him when the time comes?
"Try these with the steak. I think it brings out the taste better. It must be the butter in them."
He nods taking that into his mouth as well.
He looks at her and somehow Rey senses that he knows what she is up to. But there is no anger behind those soulful eyes. Just sadness. Infinite sadness and acceptance. Probably of his fate.
Rey feels her eyes start to sting.
She should probably look away and not let him see, but she can't.
He swallows and is about to say something to her but Rey lifts her hand to caress his scarred face. He closes his eyes at the sensation and leans into her touch. Rey doesn't know if she will have an undamaged piece of her heart left at the end of all this.
"Don't say anything…" She whispers. "Just eat."
No. She most definitely won't.
The soft flesh of his tongue appears, licking a drop of sauce from the corner of his lips. It disappears in an instant but it leaves Rey staring at him with bated breath and her insides clenched in a want she cannot name.
He lifts those dark eyes to look at her.
There's a loud clatter as the plate slips from her lap to the floor. And Rey scurries off the counter and rushes down the hall to one of the bedrooms. He calls out her name but she shuts the door behind her with a heaving chest. Her knees feel week and her head alight and she slides down on the floor in a tangle of limbs and emotions.
And prays.
Prays that this door will be enough to keep her from seeking out those lips herself.
Author's note: I did do a little research about the Chiss but I can't say that I am super confident about my knowledge in this. So if any mistakes are made, do point them out. In case you are not aware who the Chiss are, Wookipedia is good place to search .And yes, Hannah is a Chiss.
I'm open to discussion about Ben's eating habits if anyone wants to comment on that. These topics are always prickly. I consider him as the type who can't eat when he's under pressure. Because, you know, he's a big boy he needs his calories!
Thank you all for your amazing support in this fic, that's becoming a little hard even for me to tackle at times!