Chapter 3 - Cardinal Krennic SEXISTLY captures Leia

Luke

I was on my way to Toshi Station to socialistically pick up some power converters from the local anarcho-communist commune when I ran across a group of Jawas. I slowed my speeder in order to greet my comrades as they flagged me down. They seemed very alarmed and were waving me towards their sandcrawler, a look of socialist concern burning in their Communistically yellow eyes.

"What is it, Comrades?" I asked anxiously.

They jabbered away quickly in their jawa language, but I didn't understand them because I don't speak Jawa and C3PO wasn't there to translate. However, they kept waving and tugging at the hem of my Che Guevara T-Shirt, gesturing for me to step closer to the sandcrawler with them. I did because they were Comrades and I trusted them. Whatever this was… it was clearly important.

As soon as I saw what was worrying them, I gasped. R2D2 and C3PO were waiting for me, they looked scratched and a little banged up and R2D2 was beeping angrily.

"What's he saying?" I asked C3PO in a working class voice.

"Hey says, and it's quite rude…" C3PO huffed, "THAT FUCKTASTIC FUCKFLAP KRENNIC TOOK OVER OUR FUCKING SHIP AND FUCKING KIDNAPPED LEIA AND FUCKED OUR MISSION OVER! THAT FUCKING SORRY ASS EXCUSE FOR A SPASTIC WANKSTAIN WANTS TO DELIVER HER TO FUCKING EMPEROR FUCKING PALPATINE HIM-FUCKING-SELF."

"What about the Dictatorship Star plans?" I asked, awash with bolshevik horror at this new information. "Does he have the Dictatorship Star plans?!"

"MOTHERFUCKING FUCK NO. LIKE FUCK YOUR FUCKING SISTER WOULD LET THE FUCKING PLANS FALL INTO THAT LIMP-DICKED COCKSOCKETS SMEGMA STAINED HANDS. I HAVE THEM AND IN THE NAME OF KARL FUCKING MARX I SWORE I'D DELIVER THIS FUCKING MESSAGE BACK TO YOU."

R2D2 trundled backwards a little and then a holo-projection flickered to life. It was Leia dressed in her culturally appropriated white dress, staring at me with anxious, working-class eyes. "Help me Obi-wan Kenobi. Dad, you're my only hope..." She paused. "You know Anakin would probably fuck it up on his own." She added as an afterthought. The message then flickered and died.

"I have a very bad feeling about this." I said, loading C3PO and R2D2 into the speeder for the journey home.

Leia

The moment R2D2 and C3PO were safely away in the escape pod, I stepped out from behind a bulkhead and took aim at the white supremacist stormtroopers. I shot two of the fuckers down, before the FUCKING BASTARDS used a paralyzing ray to oppress the cells in my body and stop them from moving.

They then picked me up and oppressively carried me into their OPPRESSIVE STAR DESTROYER. FUCKING KRENNIC was waiting for me when I got there. He was wearing a disgustingly opulent, culturally appropriated Cardinals outfit. No doubt he was using it to promote religion as the opiate of the people, the FUCKING FUCKER.

"Who are you?" he asked in a voice of pure fundamentalism.

"You know who I am." I replied even though it wasn't my FUCKING LINE.

He glared at me. "Well we have to start somewhere." He replied, even though that made NO FUCKING SENSE. He held out a bundle of black and white cloth and then pushed it into my arms, recoiling quickly because he was probably afraid Communism was contagious. "Put that on, you shameful woman."

"WHAT THE FUCK." I looked down. He had given me a nun outfit. "WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS SHIT?"

"Do not speak to your superiors. Never address a man of the Lord in that tone of voice." he lectured me in the voice of religious oppression. "Now put this on." He said pointing at the nun outfit in my arms.

"It is your duty as a woman of the Lord to obey me and serve God!" He continued in the voice of the FUCKING CRUSADERS.

Knowing that I was under duress, and that Cardinal Krennic would likely FUCKING CONVERT ME TO THE CAPITALIST RELIGION OF CATHOLICISM if I didn't put the nun's outfit on, I began to take off my capitalist disguise clothing.

"STOP STOP!" Wailed Krennic. He shielded his religiously-deluded eyes with a feeble arm that was weak from his indulgence, probably due to the Catholic Church having shit-tons of money from paying no fucking taxes, contributing to the FUCKING CLASSISM IN CAPITALIST SOCIETY.

"WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WRONG NOW, YOU MEDIEVAL CHILD-MOLESTER?" I asked him in the calm and reasoned tones of Stalin himself.

"The female body is sinful and should be covered at all times. Exposing yourself to me would corrupt my holy and devout mind into one of sin and lust, like when Eve lifted the forbidden fruit to Adam's lips and forced him to take a bite. Females like you are the root of all sin on this Earth!" He said in the voice of FUCKING DONALD TRUMP.

"How am I supposed to put this FUCKING NUN OUTFIT ON THEN YOU FUCKFACE?" I said revolutionarily. My voice represented the voice of all the women in pussy-hats marching against the sexual assault practiced by DONALD TRUMP WHO SHOULD GET FUCKING IMPEACHED.

Krennic flapped his FUCKING INCOMPETENT HANDS INCOMPETENTLY and then ran away as I pulled off my clothes, crying for Tarkin to save him from temptation. I rolled my eyes but was silently relieved that there could be no way for him to try to convert me to Catholicism… at least for now.