Chapter 52AE
'Ding Dong, Deathwatch!' Part III
'Yo-da-Man'
'Jedi Whisperers'
'Revelations-No Relations'
'Reading of the Wills: Billions and Billions'
'Game of Throne Room'
'Coffin…and Chokin''
Screen Crawl: New discoveries change things in the Skywalker Family.
The reception hall is modest size but the mourner buffet table contains an elaborate selection of antipasti, fresh fruit and cheeses, hot hors d'oeuvres, fish and meat. There is a large selection of Corellian desserts. Mara and Kris are the first to tackle the pastries. Anakin is still stunned by the revelations at the funeral. The surprise funeral guest has made him think about the decades-old relationship with the old sith.
While the deceased lies in 'crumpled' repose at the Buonamorte Funeral Home, family and guests gather at the reception hall. The burial is scheduled at dusk.
Lorian Nod waits in a receiving line to express his sorrow. The way Buonamorte sets up the reception one would think that they are greeting a revered mob boss. Standing close by are two familiar figures: Fat Bantha and Aldo 'Big Sarlacc' Can'Apiz.
Lorian approaches Anakin. His escort, Delilah Coco DeMilo accompanies him. When he finally greets Anakin, he looks up into Anakin's eyes.
"Such a tragic loss…now that he's gone, who will set a new order for the galaxy? I know we have sabotaged your plans over the years but now…You're our only hope, Anakin."
"What did you say?"
"It's so sad seeing that coffin knowing that is the last we will see of him. Who will I have lunchbreaks with at TaggeMart?" Lorian collapses and sobs on Anakin's shoulder. This is an awkward moment; the first of several on this day.
"Uhm…" Anakin signals for one of the stormtroopers to lead Lorian away. He then glances across the receiving line at Fat Bantha and Aldo. The look on the faces of the two henchmen is quiet and deadly. The stormtrooper escorts Lorian to a chair in the far corner of the room.
He is curious to find out what Lorian Nod had discussed with old man Palpatine. He comes to the conclusion that the two used their employment at TaggeMart as a cover to conspire against him. Anakin now knows why he has so many problems dealing with Tarkin and the other senior officers.
Meanwhile, Anakin sees his wife across the room chatting with Leia. Isabel gestures for him to go talk to Magnus Dor. Anakin rolls his eyes and sighs. She will not allow him to leave the room without first clearing the air and having a conversation with the man he met at the funeral service.
He is still distracted by the Lorian Nod remark which, to Anakin, sounds like a confession. Magnus is standing off to the side chatting with Obi-wan. Anakin musters up the nerve to walk across the room. Isabel smiles with approval.
Anakin hates that he has to talk to this stranger. He gets a wink from Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan decides that this is a good time to make a quick exit.
"Ah! Anakin, we were just talking about you. Magnus is quite impressed by your accomplishments these pass decades. I think you two have lots to talk about. I'm going to pay a visit to the buffet table. I need something to compliment a 50 BBY Whyren's."
He takes a sip from the whisky glass, gives Anakin a reassuring pat on the shoulder, and then leaves the men alone to talk.
One would never guess that this is a reception for a funeral from the cheerful background chatter. Anakin finds he is at a loss for words for the first time.
The men behave like dateless teenagers at a school dance. It is truly awkward as they stand silent against the wall. Magnus decides he should break the ice.
"Lovely family you have there."
"Who? Oh…yeah…they're great…wonderful wife…good kids…" He lets out a deep sigh.
Anakin watches as Mara and Kris load their plates with antipasti and desserts. They are engaged in playful tong-saber battle at the hot food chafing dish. It is somewhat embarrassing. If they were not related to him, he would be tempted to force choke them. Tempted…he would not actually do it. He lets out another deep sigh and then turns to Magnus.
"So, do you have kids?"
"Yes, my wife and I have three wonderful children, a son and two daughters, and five grandchildren."
"Oh…that's nice….You must be very pleased with them."
Anakin notices Ana-Lena following one of the wait staff. She sneaks a glass of champagne from the waiter's tray.
Luke gently intervenes and hands her a glass of muja Rodian soda instead. She glances at her father across the room. He smirks. At least Luke is the son he can be proud of right now. He should not hold his breath; heaven knows how long that will last. His defiant children make him wonder if things would be different if they had turned to the dark side. Ana-Lena scowls back at her father.
Her frown fades, however, when she decides all is not lost and decides to chat with one of the young cadets from the military academy who is working as a greeter today. Anakin is distracted as he responds to Magnus. The poor cadet recognizes her immediately and quickly backs away until he is out of her view.
Magnus continues to talk about his family on Corellia.
"I am proud of them. They're all bright and thoughtful and talented. You have quite a few Jedi in your family. That is a great honor."
"It is…I am lucky that they have chosen the path that they were destined."
"Unlike someone we are familiar with I am sure."
Suddenly Anakin feels something buzzing in his coat pocket. Magnus notices as the lights flash through the silk lining of Anakin's cashmere duster. Anakin is embarrassed.
"Will you excuse me for one moment please?"
He pulls a pink bedazzled phone from his pocket. The bright fuchsia plumes flutter against his face as he holds the phone to his ear. The caller speaks first.
"Hey, Ana-Lee, you got your phone back. Cool!"
Anakin looks at the screen. It is Pepper-Ann. She smiles at him. He does not smile back.
"Wrong! Bye!"
"Oh! Hi Mr. Skywalker! -" The phone shuts off midsentence.
The men walk outside to a quiet spot. It is a meditation garden. The first hint of winter wind rustles through the ch'hala t trees. Magnus and Anakin continue their conversation. Anakin nods thoughtfully.
"I think you are lucky you did not know him. Do they know?"
"My children? We had a family discussion. The truth was bound to come out. The general consensus was not to make any missteps and avoid becoming anything like him."
"You must take after your mother."
"And you yours. I was the lucky one. I grew up under the influence of my mother and her friends."
Anakin nods in agreement. These two have a common thread that binds them.
"I lost my mother when I was barely out of my teens. I was lost for a while. He made a lot of trouble for me but I also made trouble for myself."
"For that, I was thankful that my mother went into hiding. Some Jedi monks protected us from detection."
"What made you come here?"
"One of the monks told me of his demise and put me on a shuttle to witness this moment. I was greeted by a most remarkable contact here on Coruscant."
"Oh?"
Their conversation is interrupted by some commotion in the banquet room.
A small, wrinkled hand reaches across a sliver tray and grabs several toast squares with little black and orange gelatinous beads on top.
"Blagh!"
The guest spits out the food. Luke is surprised to see the guest at this affair.
"Yoda?"
"Yes! See me here you do…hmmm. Expected better food I had."
"It's caviar from Kashyyyk."
"Pssst...spuuuph!" Yoda tries to spit out the fish eggs.
Luke offers him something else.
"How about some of this?"
"Hmmm…rootleaf stew perhaps?"
Luke sniffs the thick broth in the ladle. He shrugs as he lowers the ladle back in the silver crockpot. He pours a ladle full into a bowl for the old Jedi Master.
"Close enough. So, what brings you here, Master Yoda? You were never an ally of the departed."
Yoda samples what turns out to be a cassoulet. He ponders for a moment and takes another spoonful before responding to Luke.
"True…but one does not a free meal pass up. Celebration for me it is. A long time for this moment I have waited …hummm…salt it needs."
Alex joins them. He tries to initiate a high-five to the old Jedi Master.
"Hey, Yoda, man! What up?"
Yoda glances up at the young musician. And rolls his eyes.
"Another Skywalker child. Oy!"
Back at the funeral home, there is a changing of the guard to watch over the deceased sith. One of the exiting guards points to the coffin.
"All is quiet. No protesters. The wreath keeps falling off the coffin lid. Maybe you can grab a couple of nails and secure it."
"I think there's some duct tape in the transport shuttle. That should secure it. This place gives me the creeps."
One of the stormtroopers leaves his post and returns several minutes later with a box of nails, a hammer, and a roll of duct tape.
Okay, I got the tape"
"I hope this works."
The stormtrooper with the supplies pounds several nails into the coffin lid.
"I suppose that'll do." The nails are bent and arranged in a helter skelter pattern along the edge of the coffin lid.
"Good job. Think anyone will notice the nails?"
Toss those flowers over it. Let's get out of here."
After the reception, Anakin, Obi-Wan, Luke and two of the Red guards drive to the cemetery. It is a brief burial. Lorian Nod begs to take part in the burial. Anakin had other plans for the old traitor but he reluctantly agrees to let him join him at the burial site. The plans for Lorian Nod will have to wait. The group departs quietly. Fat Bantha and Aldo Can'Apiz sit in a separate limousine to take Lorian back into town. He gives a discreet signal to the henchmen that the plans have been altered. Anakin regrets he did not force choke Lorian earlier during the reception but he promised Isabel he would not retaliate against anyone today.
After the burial, Fat Bantha and Aldo Can'Apiz drop Lorian of at his retirement condo .Anakin and the others return to 620 Faleen Hyper Drive for dinner with the family.
The house is far from solemn. Champagne is flowing. Han is at the bar filling shot glasses with Whyren's Reserve, Batch Number NN182. He sees Obi-Wan and points to the blue kyber crystal glass.
"Hey, OBK! This one's got your name on it!"
Obi-Wan smiles and hurries to the bar.
"Bless you, Han. You know what I like."
Han sees Anakin and starts to offer him one of the glasses.
"Hey, Boss, got a drink for you." Anakin gives Han an icy stare. "I guess not." Han sets the glass on the edge of the bar. Obi-Wan reaches for the glass and winks at Han.
"I'll take that off your hands. As the Jedi Code says, 'Waste not. Pass it along."
Luke overhears this.
"I don't believe I have read that anywhere in the Jedi Code of Ethics…never mind."
The elderly butler Hobson appears in rare form. He is chipper and full of humor as he greets the family members and guests arriving at the house.
"Welcome to the Skywalker home on this joyous occasion."
He takes the coats and tosses them in a nearby closet. After a brief cocktail hour, Hobson stodgily makes an announcement.
"Ladies and gentlemen, dinner is served. Please follow me to the dining room."
The elderly butler slowly leads the guests into the dining room.
The large dining table is occupied by the entire Skywalker family and guests. Anakin is at the head of the table as usual and Magnus Boone Dor is seated to his right. Kris is seated beside Magnus. Leia scans the table and make a wisecrack to Han.
"Who the hell did the seating chart for this dinner?"
"Someone with a quirky sense of humor."
"Will you look at this? Poor Magnus has to put up with my dopey baby brother and my father. Then the 'Tweedle Dee' and 'Tweedle Dum-Dum' hit men at the other end of the table chatting up my stepmother."
Kris looks up at Magnus. Magnus senses Kris staring at him. A dopey, grin creeps across the boys' face. Magnus momentarily looks away as Anakin is speaking and smiles alternately back at the boy. Kris resumes eating his mea but he is still distracted by the dinner guest and the fork misses his mouth. Bits of food dribble onto his shirt.
Ana-Lena looks across the table and rolls her eyes. Luke knows she is a bit perturbed since Anakin confiscated her E-phone during the funeral.
Anakin is glad that Isabel urged him to invite Magnus to dinner. Neither man brings up the decedent Palpatine. Anakin ponders if he should have invited Magnus to the burial but Magnus was never interested in attending. Magnus thanks Anakin for the invitation nonetheless. Both men appear to get along well.
The Next Morning…'Reading of the Wills'
The following day the estate attorney summons Anakin and the family to his office.
Estate Attorney for Dantius S. Palpatine Firm: Dewey, Cheatum, and How-Koozar
Sam Dewey, the older attorney is founding partner of the law firm. He wears a velvet barristers' robe and is present to oversee the reading of the will. Janus Greejatus III is estate attorney who joins him. A younger legal assistant Andy Starcourt is seated to their right. The three men rise from their chairs as Anakin and the Skywalker family enter the conference room. The assistant is besotted as he watches the infamous Dark Lord and family approach the large table. R2D2 and C-3PO trail behind but are quickly stopped as the large boardroom doors slam closed before they can step across the threshold. The astromech droid stares up at the footman and makes a series of sharp beeping sounds. The golden protocol droid is not pleased either. He turns to R2.
"I don't blame you at all, Artoo. How rude! Who does that underling think he is?"
The astromech droid continues his tirade. Threepio is almost resigned to accept the rebuff.
"Sure, he works for the firm but still…we are part of the Skywalker family. Master Ani would never accept such rudeness." Threepio kicks the door.
The assistant, Andy Starcourt hears the door as he speaks to Anakin. "This is amazing. I'm honored to meet you your lordship." He is embarrassed as he is distracted by the incessant pounding on the door. "Uhmmm…the two droids, sir…are they…?"
A faint smile creeps across Anakin's face.
"Not to worry. My protocol droid has a habit of speaking out of turn. There will be no interruptions. They will be fine out there until the end of this meeting."
"Yes, of course your lordship. Again, I just want to say how honored I am to meet you. I have worked very hard on the estate documents for Mr. Palpatine. I am sorry for your loss."
"Thank you."
Dewey and Greejatus are more restrained as they gesture for Anakin and family to be seated. Dewey bows slightly as he speaks.
"Good morning, Mr. Skywalker, Mrs. Skywalker…Good morning, everyone."
Today, we are gathered to read the last will and testament of the late Dantius S. Palpatine, former Emperor, Senator, and Chancellor…aka Darth Sidious…"
Andy Starcourt issues a packet to each family member. The packet contains an itemized listing of the Palpatine possessions as stated in the will. There are images of real estate properties and miscellaneous possessions.
Han sits between Luke and Leia. He whispers to himself, however almost everyone hears him.
"This is a stupid meeting. Why do I have to be here? Emperor Butthead!"
Leia murmurs to Luke and Han:
"Murderer, sith, corrupt politician…"
Luke smirks as Leia says this. He rolls his eyes and lets out a frustrated sigh.
"I've got work to do. I can't believe we've been dragged into this!"
The estate attorney briefly glances around the table as he overhears the various complaints from the Skywalker children. He continues.
"I, Dantius Sheev Palpatine, also known as Darth Sidious, declare this to be my Will and revoke all former Wills and Codicils."
Kris whispers to his brother Alex.
"What's a codicil?"
"A will"
"A will what?"
Li-An nudges him.
"Shhh!"
"Don't shhh me!"
Greejatus looks up from the documents as the siblings bicker. He glances down at the will and continues where he left off.
"I am a resident of Coruscant County, Core Worlds. As I have never married, all my possessions will be distributed accordingly: My frozen assets when I was dethroned and my collection of lightsabers over two decades before, these will remain with Anakin Skywalker, my proxy. This includes funds I was able to save during my employ at TaggeMart. In addition, I bequeath to Anakin Skywalker my executive suite at the former Imperial headquarters. To Master Luke Skywalker, I bequeath my thrones; one from my throne room and other thrones from the Imperial headquarters and. The former is currently in storage along with the glass window panels, from the second Death Star and those from the office suite in the Senate Building. It is my hope that he puts them to good use."
Alex smiles as he looks at the images in the packet.
"Good use? Was he serious when he wrote this will or on the edge of senility?"
Han grins as he nudges Luke.
"Hey, Luke, what the hell are you gonna do with his ugly Barcaloungers and a bunch of custom-made stained glass?"
Ana-Lena starts to giggle.
Anakin sternly clears his voice, hinting for Han to stop talking. Attorney Greejatus continues.
"To my dear, Leia, who was like a granddaughter to me, I bequeath the lakeside country home on Naboo and the apartment in Theed. My fleet of Imperial shuttles valued at more than 332 million credits will be divided between the Skywalker male children and General Han Solo."
Han utters an audible.
WTF?!"
Leia gasps loudly.
"What?! Why do the guys get a shuttle? Sexist bastard!"
"My collection of antiques and awards, trophies, and medals, valued at 16 million and 600 credits will be divided amongst the family as Anakin Skywalker sees fit."
Leia snaps back.
"Can we see fit to sell the hideous crap?"
Han leans back in his chair and comments dismissively.
"Put an ad in the trades and see who would buy it. Someone will like his pimp jewelry."
He is leaning back. Anakin is tempted to force tip the chair onto the floor with Han in it.
Greejatus continues reading of the will throughout the constant interruptions.
"My clothing, including the collection of custom tailored robes, I bequeath to Luke Skywalker."
Li-An giggles.
"Geez, he's got it in for you, Luke.
"My retirement accounts, I leave the entire sum of 44,415,466 credits to Isabel Skywalker, who has always been kind to me through the years.
All cash held in escrow, in the amount of 81, 653,760 credits will be divided equally to all Skywalker children, their spouses, and their offspring.
"My investment portfolio of 2.9 million credits, I bequeath to Ana-Lena Skywalker being that whoever she marries will need to be wealthy to support her high maintenance lifestyle."
Ana-Lena gasps.
"Did he just insult me?"
"Will you turn down the money?"
"Maybe. I have my pride."
"So…is that it?"
The exasperated estate attorney pauses for a moment. He surprises everyone by responding.
"Yes, there is more. Mr. Palpatine wills the remainder of his estate, in the amount of 836,666,000 credits and real estate on the following star systems: Eriadu, Mustafar, Kamino, and Utapu to Anakin Skywalker. This concludes the reading of the last will and Testament of Dantius Sheev Palpatine. Any questions?" He looks to Anakin but notices something else.
Han, Alex, Ana-Lena, and Kris raise their hands. Anakin glares sternly across the table at them. The 'group of inquiring minds' sheepishly lower their hands. Kris whispers and folds his arms across his chest.
"All I wanted to know when we were going to get paid. I want to buy a new ice-board. Maaan…!"
Leia tries to hold back her laughter. She looks away.
Han whispers to Kris.
"Nice try, kid."
Anakin rises from his chair. The attorneys follow his lead.
"Well, gentlemen, thank-you for your work concerning this matter...and your patience." He gives his children a piercing stare and then turns to Dewey and Greejatus. "This has been an eye-opening event."
"It was an honor to serve you during this difficult time. my Lord."
Artoo and Threepio are still waiting outside of the conference room. Artoo has been eavesdropping through the door using his bugging device. He chirps to the protocol droid. Threepio is alarmed by what he hears.
"What? Are you absolutely sure? Drones? Frankly, I don't believe your listening device is working effectively. Since when did the old geezer use drones? What? oooh…'thrones' What throne?…Multiple thrones? What decadent excess! Now it makes perfect sense. You need to listen better…you're as useless as a youngling's reading device. Yes, I said it! You're a glorified 'See and Say Tauntaun' ...How many credits? Billions? Well! Got to hand it to the old Sith! He did know how to invest…who? Oh, she's always angry…takes after her father. Best not to mess with Princess Leia. She has inherited her father's temperament. Sometimes I sympathize with poor General Solo. But, then again, they are both impossible people. They belong together. What happened?" (sheepish laugh) "Oh, that little scamp! Master Kris is always good for a chuckle…out of the mouth of babes, I say! The child has no filter. Somewhat refreshing for such a boring meeting…What else? Oh…it's wrapping up? Distributions of…holy Sith! I am shocked! He put General Solo in the will? I wonder why…Well, it's not as if the old buzzard could take it with him…especially where he's going, if you catch my drift."
Threepio elbows Artoo.
"Ok, what else? What? Already? They're wrapping it up? That was quick."
The family files out of the conference room. The droids follow. Threepio catches up with Han.
"Congratulations for your inheritance, General Solo.
"I'm not so sure congratulations are in order. There's got to be some sort of catch."
"Sir, the possibility of this windfall being anything other than an expression of gratitude from the deceased is approximately 3,720 to 1."
Han continues to walk towards the elevator with the rest of the family.
"Never tell me the odds."
Artoo says that, if invested wisely, your inheritance can grow to 72 million in 10 years.
"I'm not interested in your financial advice, Goldenrod."
"Humph! Impossible man!"
Han steps into the elevator with the other family members. The doors close leaving the two droids alone. Han
"Ooops…sorry, next elevator guys."
Threepio turns and notices that everyone is gone.
"Blasted! They've abandoned us again, Artoo."
Suddenly the doors reopen and a hand reaches out and grabs them, pulling them both inside with the rest of the family. Threepio expresses his displeasure.
"Well! Feeling guilty about leaving us out of the reading of the will? Then you close the elevator doors on us as if…"
A female voice yells a warning to Threepio as the doors close again.
"Stop talking!"