Luke
When I arrived back at the farm, my Dads and my granny Shmi were waiting for me. For some reason, I was relieved to discover that they had not been brutally murdered and burnt to death by stormtroopers.
"Dad! Dad!" I cried running towards the homestead (which was not on fire).
Both my Dads rushed forward, looking socialistically concerned for my well being. In between the gasps of the OPPRESSED WORKERS, I explained to them that Leia had been kidnapped by the Empire.
"There was nothing you could have done, Luke." Obi Wan explained to me in the soothing tones of Chairman Mao, "You would've been killed, and the droids would now be in the hands of the Empire."
"I want to come with you to Alderaan." I said, looking up at him rebelliously. I knew he was going to go save my sister Leia and rekindle the galaxy wide uprising, and I wanted to be there to witness the TRIUMPH OF THE MASSES OVER THE ELITE. "I want to learn the ways of the REVOLUTION and become a true comrade like my fathers."
My Dads each put a soothing hand on my shoulder and led me away to their communistically red landspeeder. We all climbed in and sped off through the desert. My heart was burning with the desire to avenge the suffering of my sister and my comrades, the proletariat. The SHILL EMPIRE would pay for its corrupt fascist crimes.
We stopped on an outcrop overlooking the oppressive, capitalistically-industrialised city of Mos Eisley. Anakin shuddered in disgust just looking at it.
"Mos Eisley spaceport." Obi Wan declared in the voice of KARL MARX HIMSELF. "You will never find such a wretched hive of scum and villainy."
"Except for that FUCKING CAPITALIST SHIT HOLE CORUSCANT." Anakin interjected loudly from somewhere behind us.
"That's true." Obi Wan conceded in a thoughtful voice, his face taking on the learned countenance of a great progressive thinker. "Coruscant really is the asshole of the galaxy." He paused, and then turned his attention back to the task ahead. "We must be cautious." He cautioned, cautiously.
We sped into the city, but were stopped by OPPRESSIVE STORMTROOPERS. They held us up purely based on biased opinions in much the same way that BIASED POLICE OFFICERS DISPROPORTIONATELY HOLD UP NON WHITES AT RANDOM CHECKPOINTS.
"How long have you had these droids?" Their leader demanded in a voice that dripped with white supremacy. He was probably a member of the Klu Klux Klan since he was wearing an all white uniform.
"About three or four seasons." My Dad Anakin replied, stealing MY FUCKING LINE.
"They are up for sale if you want them." Obi Wan said to the trooper. He adopted a falsely capitalistic tone so that the storm trooper would think he supported MATERIALISM and ROBOT SLAVERY and thus not be suspicious of him.
The stormtrooper stepped forward with sudden interest, no doubt delighted by the prospect of OWNING SLAVES.
"You don't need to see any identification." My Dad Obi Wan said with a slight wave of his hand. The vast and indomitable will of the proletariat echoed in his voice, weakening the stormtrooper's false consciousness ever so slightly and confusing him.
"We don't need his identification." The stormtrooper said to his fellow oppressors, CULTURALLY APPROPRIATING MY DAD'S LINE.
"These are not the droids you are looking for." Obi Wan continued in the VOICE OF THE PEOPLE.
"These are not the droids we are looking for." The stormtrooper continued his RACIST APPROPRIATION.
"He can go about his business." Obi Wan said calmly, gripping by dad Anakin's arm to stop him from jumping up and screaming in the face of the stormtrooper's blatant appropriation. "Move along."
"He can go about his business." The stormtrooper repeated, racistly nodding to the other troopers. "Move along."
With that, Obi Wan sped away before Anakin could yell at the stormtrooper's because of their "FUCKING RACIST RACISM" and their "FUCKING RACIST APPROPRIATION AND OPPRESSION OF FUCKING MINORITY CULTURE AND SHIT".
We drove past the CGI animals that had been edited in by that CAPITALIST SHILL GEORGE LUCAS until, eventually, we got to the Mos Eisley spaceport.