Comrade Skywalker: Episode IV: A National Liberation Hope

by An Aroused Koala

Karl Marx's birthday is May 5th. Star Wars day is May 4th. Coincidence? I think not. This is the story of Luke and Leia - the children of the legendary Comrade Anakin Skywalker - and their struggle to overthrow the corrupt, capitalist Galactic Empire. (Please read this in the same voice as the Clone Wars opening narration)

5. The SHITHOLE Mos Eisley Cantina

Luke

Despite the Mos Eisley Cantina being a place of capitalistic business transactions, it was a humble dwelling, so it suited my Communist tastes... as much as such a capitalist shithole could. We stepped inside and I instantly recoiled at the smell of corruption, money laundering and bourgeois business transactions. I heard my dad Anakin scream "THIS PLACE IS FUCKING DISGUSTING" along with the sound of him being sick in a corner. My dad Obi Wan took charge and navigated us to the bar, where he ordered a drink for Anakin.

"Hey, no droids in here. We don't allow their kind," said the capitalist bartender racistly.

"THAT'S FUCKING DISCRIMINATION AGAINST THESE WORKING CLASS DROIDS YOU FUCKING APPLE CRUMBLE" yelled my dad Anakin, his hand on the hilt of his hammer and sickle lightsaber.

My other dad Obi Was stepped towards him and I heard them talking in hushed tones in the voices of Stalin. "How can we stand for this DISGUSTING XENOPHOBIA AGAINST THE PROLETARIAT?" Anakin whispered. I heard Obi Wan mention the "FUCKING REVOLUTION" in his reply. Eventually my dad Anakin straightened up and asked C3PO and R2D2 to leave the cantina in a very feminist fashion.

I could sense that a lot of the other patrons were eyeing us suspiciously, but I paid no attention to them. Their petit bourgeois opinions were not important, because ultimately I was here with my parents for an important mission for the REVOLUTION OF THE PEOPLE and that was all that mattered. I looked around an observed some working class aliens, smiling appreciatively at ALL THE DIVERSITY OF LIFE THAT THE WHITE SUPREMACIST STORMTROOPERS WERE TRYING TO ERADICATE. I also noticed that my dad Obi Wan was talking to a working class Wookie. It must have been an important matter because my dad was using the VOICE OF STALIN. My smile widened sovietly, I knew that this Wookie would help us because my dad Anakin had gloriously liberated the Wookies on Kashyyyk from the racist and imperialist droid attack.

Suddenly I felt a greasy capitalist hand tapping my shoulder. I turned around and saw an oppressive alien staring at me, grunting in an alien language. Because I couldn't speak alien I turned around again and went back to my drink. I was thinking about how much I loved socialism when I felt yet another greasy hand on my shoulder. I turned around revolutionarily and saw a ghastly fascist sight.

"I don't like you," A fascist stranger said in the voice of Mike Pence. His piggy eyes narrowed and I could instantly tell he was part of the established oligarchy who was threatened by the notion of EQUALITY FOR ALL.

I had a bad feeling about that.