Part 2
Tainted
Author's note: I would love to bore you with a lengthy note but I'll keep it short my friends, just like this introductory chapter. Consider this note my trigger warning for a few uncomfortable scenes that will be taking place further down in the story. (But I believe you are already well prepared for that!) And bear in mind that this is fiction and does not in any way excuse unhealthy relationships in our very real life.
That being said, welcome back to Forbidden!
Music selection for this chapter is "Time" by Hans Zimmer, from the soundtrack of Inception.
His reflection stares back at him in pity.
Despite the freshly shaved skin and carefully groomed hair. The covering of dark circles under his eyes and the expensive black shirt he is currently buttoning up his chest. His reflection sees who he is. Sees the wretched creature he has become. Judges him and scorns him. There's nowhere to hide from it.
There never was.
Much less now. With the ruining he has brought to the one person that mattered the most in this traitorous universe. Because he has. In his endless desires and insatiable hunger he has pushed her too far. The Darkness that always clung like a second skin to him has seeped into the most angelic creature that has ever blessed his life. Tainted her.
He's despicable.
Not worthy of her.
The man halts the slow progress of his fingers up his shirt and grasps the edges of the ebony furniture in front of him, back hunching over and head hanging between his shoulders.
He has allowed for this to happen. To crave for a piece of heaven. And in his heedlessness he reached out and snatched it with his claws.
And look at what he's done...
He will never forgive himself.
Heartbeats pass and shaky breaths. Eventually he lifts his head to face himself again. He decides to leave the top two buttons of his shirt unfastened. Perhaps he can get to them later. He tucks the hems of his shirt into his pants willing the semi-hardness of him at the mere thought of the woman sleeping in his bed, to subside. He truly is a loathsome creature. He straps his leather belt around himself and buckles the platinum clasp with a harsh tug.
Ben looks up.
Looks at his reflection. At the refined monster in disguise.
His throat tightens.
He glances away, takes his overcoat and exits the room.
It's barely dawn outside and he has been up for hours already. Trying to find comfort in morning workout routines and forgotten Jedi forms. In the Darkness of his meditation. But she is too distracting. Too Light. She affects him, spirals his concentration out of grasp. Brings his world inside out. For far too many exhausting days and sleepless nights
He's not the man he used to be.
He can never be again. For she has in turn tainted him with this emotion. And there is no going back.
He slips his arms through the sleeves of his tailored overcoat, the stiffness of the rich fabric reigning in his rampant thoughts. Helping him step into the role he plays so well. His footsteps echo down the long marble corridor of his estate, all the way to what is now Rey's room.
Ben pauses and knocks on the door lightly. But he's not surprised when she doesn't answer back. He opens the door carefully and steps into the darkness of the room. The first hint of light is streaming through the large windows overlooking the glittering city of Coruscant far below. There is a veil of winter's mist still lingering outside, settled comfortably on the Manarai mountaintops and surrounding his vast estate, discretely perched between two mountainsides. It will no doubt dissipate with the sun's first rays.
Rey is asleep, nestled within his large four poster bed that has become hers in the last few weeks. He nearly smiles at the memory of her stubborn refusal to sleep on such a large bed, and preferring the hardness of the wooden floors. It took her a few nights but she eventually gave in. Or gave up on one more of her ascetic ways. He never asked if it felt like one more betrayal to her own self.
The heels of his shoes click against the wooden floor as he approaches her for one more morning. He sits on her side tugging lightly on the crisp fabric of his pants. The soft mattress dips under his weight but she doesn't seem to be aware. She sleeps deeply, long tangled hair sprawled over the cotton of her pillows, lips slightly parted, slender chest rising and falling with every one of her breaths. Her little tank top has bunched itself up, revealing the planes of her muscled abdomen for him today, and just a small peak of the rosy nipple of her left breast. It's his favorite moment of the day. Watching her sleep, features relaxed and peaceful. His little girl. His fearless Jedi. His woman just out of reach.
My reach.
Just the way she wished things to be.
"Rey?" He calls softly, affectionately. The sensation of her name rolling off his tongue being the closest part of her he will ever get to own.
She is still. His lovely girl sleeps.
He reaches for her arm. Runs his finger along the inside of it. Savors the soft skin. "Rey."
She moans and pulls away at the touch. Like every day.
"It's time to wake up."
He waits for her to flutter her eyes open. This desperate thing inside him aches to be the first thing she sees every morning. The first person she hears. Perhaps a better memory of him will be planted in her mind eventually. One that she won't associate with the pain he has made her feel. One that they both can share as a moment between them they can treasure.
Like the others.
He doesn't touch her again. He never does once she's awake. This lovely creature that has taken possession of his heart.
Her eyes are red again. And swollen. It must not have been a good night for her. Somewhere inside him guilt rears its ugly head.
She fixes her gaze on him. Steady and penetrative in a way that only broken hearts bring forth. He tries not to get lost in it.
"Where are we going today?"
"Kuat. I will be inspecting the new battleships."
She nods, looking away.
He allows himself to roam his eyes over her body once more before lifting himself off the bed. The sheets ruffle.
"I'll be downstairs in my office," he states impassively. He wants nothing more than to lift those covers and wrap himself around her warmth. Her throbbing heart. Bury himself inside her, in every crevice of her body. He does not let a single thought slip out into the Force.
He makes his way towards the door.
"Ben?"
His heart stutters painfully in his chest. Hopes.
"Have you eaten anything yet?"
He halts briefly and looks over his shoulder. He is starving.
For her.
"Yes."
"Ok. That's good…"
For any crumbs that she will give him.
"Get ready." He simply says and exits her room.
Author's note: A few weeks have passed since their kiss in the rain and a very fragile balance exists between them. More details in the upcoming chapters about what they have been up to during that time.
I can't guarantee that I'll be updating as fast as the first part. But we only have around ten chapters to go. Approximately. I'll do my best.
Good to be back!