Until the end of the world
She finds him standing on the eastern veranda of his grand mansion, overlooking one of the many sharp cliffs of the Manarai mountains. It's a quiet, secluded part of his estate, tucked under protruding rocks and surrounded by ancient pine trees, with the remainders of morning mist crystalizing on their branches. The sky is heavy overhead, hiding the tips of the mountains within its leaden clouds.
Rey wraps her thick, white cloak around her to protect her form the crisp morning air. The atmosphere is saturated with last night's rain and there's a chill running down her spine despite the thick fabric of her outfit and the fur lining of her vest. Winter it seems is just around the corner.
From the canyon below, the harsh sound of a river thrashing on rocks drifts to her ears. Ben doesn't seem to be aware of her. Or perhaps he chooses not to acknowledge her presence as she comes to stand next to him. She wouldn't be surprised.
"The Council is looking for you," she says studying his profile. "It seems to be urgent. Shouldn't we be on our way already?"
He's staring at the sky. Brows furrowed and lips pressed tightly together. Staring at the tumbling grey clouds as if he could bend them to his will. It seems the forces of nature are the only ones that refuse to do so nowadays.
"You're late," he rumbles without turning to look at her.
"You didn't come to wake me."
His lip curls lightly. "Is that a hint of accusation in your voice?"
"It's been a habit these past few days," she points out. One she has become too addicted to. Rey craves his first, soft touch of the day and the timber of his morning voice, as if they hold the promise of a future they could almost have.
"Perhaps, it's a habit that needs to be changed."
Rey flinches. Feeling as if he's pulling the ground from under her feet. His sharp profile is still aimed at the sky.
"Because of what happened in Kuat?"
"Because, like you, I need to set my own boundaries."
He says these words simply. With a matter of fact tone of voice that makes her cringe at how wrong it all sounds.
"I think you're taking what happened there the wrong way."
"Am I, now?"
He's probably taunting her, trying to get a rise out of her and spice up his day. Force knows he's good at that. He's probably just making another terrible joke, like the one about the failing negotiations taking place in the Bothan sector.
But there's something in the way he stands, in the curve of his broad shoulders and the thickness of his voice.
No. He's not teasing her.
"We just need to be more careful around each other," she states.
He grunts at the sky, this throaty sound of frustration. She hates when he's like this. Overdramatizing things between them for no reason. Acting as if it's the end of the world.
"I'm tired of being careful."
"Well, we don't have much of a choice. And there's really no need to add more meaning to what happened in that office. It was only a kiss. At a very, very wrong moment. "
"And what kind of moment would you consider as being right?"
She raises her eyebrow. "Do you really want me to answer?"
He clenches his jaw. Rey sighs, and tries to gather her thoughts because she can sense that his are straying down a path that will only lead to a terrible argument. And she can't have that. Not anymore.
"Ben, I don't want to fight with you. Things have been good between us lately. Amicable." He is shaking his head and Rey hurries to continue before he intervenes. "And besides, I'm terrible at waking up early in the mornings. In the academy I was always the last one to reach the training grounds and…"
His gloved hands grasp the stone railing of the veranda tightly enough to leave imprints on it.
"Rey."
"…Luke would get furious with me. It was actually kind of funny watching him roll his eyes and swear he'd never come across a more hopeless case than me…"
"Rey, stop."
"No, Ben, please… Nothing needs to change between us."
He turns to look at her and her breath hitches. His eyes are red-rimmed and glassy, and his jaw clenches in some kind of effort to control the storm inside him.
"There is no us. You have made that clear on more than one occasion."
Rey feels a desperate anger rise inside her. "What do you want from me, Ben?" Her voice quivers in the cold.
"What I want is not something you're willing to give."
"You're getting married in a few weeks! There is no hope for us." He makes everything so damn impossible. She can't have him raise those walls again. And she can't fall for him any further than she already has. They have to remain as they are right now. Caught in this limbo between sacred desires and wretched needs. There is just no other way. "It's hard enough trying to let go of you now, I cannot imagine what it might like be if we take us any further… Why do you want us to go through such pain?"
"Because it will be worth it!"
He curses and pushes himself off the railing. Rey watches him pace the ground, raking his hand through his hair. She stands completely still, waiting for him to finally release his tightly coiled emotions that have been eating at him since their first kiss in the rain. It has been inevitable. He stops, at last, and stares at her with a wilderness that makes her chest hurt.
Little flakes have started falling from the sky, tiny white specks, barely perceptible. They are settling on his midnight strands and broad shoulders, little white allies trying to cover the Darkness underneath.
"I want to give us a chance."
"What … what do you mean?" She's stammering. Those eyes on her are making her stumble for words. A strange light has ignited inside them. A light that can easily be stoked into a raging fire.
"Hannah won't care. You can stay in my apartment in Coruscant, continue to be my bodyguard, no one needs to know anything. And even if they suspect, they won't dare to say a word. I'll make sure of that."
She's already shaking her head. "Ben…"
"No, no, just listen. There's a war ahead and I'll need your protection. It would be the perfect excuse for you to remain on my side. Don't you see? We could be together, Rey, just think about it!"
She shakes her head again.
What she wouldn't give to wake up with him on her side. Every morning. For the rest of her life.
But not like this… Not in hiding and in shame.
"What you are asking from me will destroy us," she whispers at him.
And just like that the fire is out. Replaced only by ice and stinging rejection. His gaze hardens.
"It already has."
"That is not true!"
He always finds an opening, an unguarded little place of her heart to release his attack. And he does so in the cruelest, most damaging way.
This selfish, spiteful man that wants everything or nothing at all.
He clenches his fists. "I can't do this anymore, Rey. Wait for you. Hope that you will one day change your mind."
"Change my mind? What made you think that I would ever…"
She pauses because she recognizes the roots of his hope. She has cultivated it herself, fed it and nourished it unbeknownst to her. For weeks.
The man looks up at her from his datapad, with the most adorable frown. Sometimes it's hard to tell the teenage boy of the past from the man he has grown to become. "You're staring at me," he says with a curl of his lips. It hooks itself on her fluttering insides. Rey bites her nail as she steals glances at him from the holonet show she's watching. She smiles at him timidly back.
His eyes are on her today with the darkest shade she has ever seen. He's usually very careful with the emotions seeping into the Force. But not today. Today Ben leaves them spread at her feet. He wants her to know. He wants her to know how much she makes him hurt.
"I'm not some lovesick fool that you can toss around in accordance to your moods," he strikes at her.
The snow has thickened, covering with a thin white layer the stone railing and the tips of the pine trees. Everything will be covered in white by nightfall. It will be the most beautiful sight she has seen in many, many years. Only she won't be able to admire it and revel in it tonight. Because the man before her is breaking her heart in this winter's day. She can almost hear its crack in the muffled silence.
"Is that what you think of me? Is that what you believe I do with you? Toy with your feelings?"
He's studying her, refusing to give her access to what he considers a weakness.
"I have spoken to Luke," he announces. "I've told him that you will be returning to the Academy and that I won't be needing anymore of his help."
"I am not leaving you. Not now with all that's happening in the galaxy. There have been two attempts on your life already and no one can protect you the way…"
"I don't want your help! And I no longer give a damn if there's another attempt on my life. The whole galaxy can all go up in flames for all I care!"
"You have sacrificed your life and dreams for the Republic. Don't think that you can convince me of your indifference!"
He is upon her in two steps, looming over her like Darkness itself.
"Let me get something straight with you," he sneers. "I am no Jedi. I do not fight for what is honorable and good in this shitty galaxy. I fight for control and power. That is all that has ever mattered to me."
"You care about this galaxy, just the way you care about me." Rey fumes. Nothing logical comes out of his mouth when he's upset.
"You think you know me so well, don't you?"
"I know you well enough to see behind your masks. You're being unreasonable," she grits at him. "And childish. Allowing emotions to interfere with your judgement."
"I am trying to protect myself!" He roars. "From you."
His deep voice covers the rushing waters and resonates in the canyon. Leaves her speechless.
Rey bites her lip to the point of bleeding.
"I would never hurt you…"
His dark eyes linger on her, on the broken skin of her lip.
"Oh, but you have become so good at it, Rey."
Snow has seeped into his black hair dripping from their tips, and his lip trembles lightly from the cold.
From the burden of the emotion Rey knows he carries for her.
But he tries to hold his ground. As if this is some kind of battlefield and he is hemorrhaging before her feet.
She shuts her eyes and takes a deep breath. It's the only thing she can do at this point. She focuses on the cold that's prickling her skin and burning her lungs. On the silence of the sleeping mountains and the rattled breath coming from the aching man before her. On the emotion he is desperately trying to reign back in. To cage.
She opens her eyes to look at him.
Their mingled breaths mist in front of them, and his cheeks and tip of his nose are flushed. It's so rare and beautiful, this color that livens up his face, that she wants nothing more than to set her lips on it and drink it in.
It's so tempting. To just give in to what he asks of her. To wake every morning with his body wrapped around her and his soft breath in her ear.
Would it be so bad?
She reaches for a snowflake that has settled on the high bone of his cheek.
Give in to what they both want and wipe the world away?
But he grasps her wrist, black leather digging into her white fur, before she is able to brush the snowflake away.
"No. You don't get to touch me."
His clutch is strong and painful and Rey tries to pull her hand away. The pain is a sharp reminder of their reality.
"Ben, you're hurting me!"
She tries to tug her hand free from a grip that's like an iron vice around her wrist. But he doesn't let go. She knows that when the time comes neither of them will be able to let go.
He stares at her, but instead of releasing her like she thought he would, he tugs her closer. And closer. Bringing the inside of her wrist to his lips. It's searing hot, the kiss he sets on the delicate skin showing under the fur lining of her sleeve. His clutch softens and his eyes fall shut, and his warmth seeps into her shivering body.
"I want you…" he mumbles achingly, cradles her hand on his cheek. "I want to be inside you. Please don't deny me anymore, Rey."
Playful, dark eyes fleet through her mind.
But they no longer belong to the teenage boy. They belong to a man.
"Ah, but you deny me yet again…" the man says, as he looks at her over his shoulder. "My Jedi takes great pleasure in rejecting any kind of offer for simple entertainments," he complains to an older man walking on his side. A politician like him in the Council of Coruscant. "I never considered a stroll to the Government District of Coruscant to be of such great danger to my life." He chuckles. Rey rolls her eyes at his teasing remark.
But there is nothing playful about this moment. Not anymore.
"We can't…"
He immediately releases her and steps back averting his eyes. His heel crunches on the thin layer of snow covering the stone ground. It sounds dreadfully close to shards of glass.
Rey waits with her heart lodged in her throat for what he will say next. But he doesn't say anything more.
He abruptly turns around to head inside, black cloak sweeping the snow white ground and leaving a dark trail behind him.
She calls to him before she can stop herself.
"Ben…Wait."
He stops a few paces away and turns his head over his shoulder, in his usual silent invitation. He waits. But Rey doesn't say what has been screaming inside her for weeks. She doesn't say a single word.
"The marriage vows to Hannah will take place ten days from now at the Old Jedi Temple," he says frigidly. "Luke has promised to bring in a Jedi to replace you on that day. You will be free to leave any time you wish after the ceremony." He resumes his walk without sending her another glance. "Don't leave my side today," he commands, before going through the tall balcony doors.
Rey stands in the snowfall staring at his retreating back and feeling her whole body go numb. She looks up at the sky while snowflakes brush against her skin almost in some kind of heavenly comfort. But Rey barely senses it.
The world is tipping over. She is gliding down its surface along with anything else she has ever considered solid up until now.
And Ben will no longer be at its end to catch her.
Author's note: Trying to catch the depth of emotion in Ben is like trying to fill a bottomless pit. Ugh... Which is why I feel the need to leave the following comment. Don't expect major character development in this story. Especially under such a pressing situation as the one they're in. Character doesn't really change in a person anyway but behavior can. And Ben tries to change for Rey's sake, in his own very unorthodox way.
This chapter was meant to be longer but I divided it because it read better. I'll be posting the next one tomorrow.
Title to this chapter inspired by "Until the end of the world" by U2, Achtung Baby album.