Luke
A deep pain seared into my Bolshevik heart as I ran with my sister and my dad Anakin to the spot where my fallen dad Obi Wan had been. Seeing the socialist rage in our eyes, the cowardly Emperor Palpatine cackled and disappeared down a vent. He should have died but the capitalism was strong with him and he lubricated his long fall with his vast personal wealth and cushioned his landing with piles upon piles of ill-gotten banknotes.
"FUCK YOU, YOU SCOTUM HEADED, PLUTOCRATIC WARM JAR OF MAYONAISE!" My sister Leia screamed down the vent after him.
I stood there like an idiot while everyone around me fired their blasters which were products of slave labour and my dad Anakin screamed in the voice of Lenin, vowing revenge on Palpy. I felt numb and dropped to my knees, my socialist lightsabre falling on the ground with a clatter. The sound was a lot like the chains of the proletariat finally being freed after the revolution. Salty yet progressive tears fell from my eyes and I became completely oblivious to the chaos that was enusing around me. My vision blurred like a liberal who has false consciousness.
Suddenly, I heard my dad Obi Wan's socialist voice in my head. "Run, Luke! Run COYG." he said in the voice of Jeremy Corbyn and suddenly I broke out of my stupor.
I remembered the FUCKING REVOLUTION. I remembered how important it was that we were not captured by the fascist empire. My dad had told me to run, so I did just that. I ran. Distantly, I could hear Leia screaming and she tried to pull Anakin into the Millennium falcon. I turned towards them and bolshevikly used the force, pushing them both up the ramp. Then we jumped into the ship and Chewbacca flew the fuck away from the Dictatorship Star.
"THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! HE CAN'T BE FUCKING GONE FOREVER AND ALL THAT FUCKING BANGERS AND MASH!" Anakin calmly verbalised in his communist voice whilst advocating for Medicare for all.
"We couldn't have done anything!" I shrieked in the hysterical tones of Engles.
We crammed aboard the ship and my dad Obi Wan, true to his word and in a noble Communist fashion, had disabled the tractor beam. The Millenium Falcon streaked out of the Dictatorship Star's hangar bay, screaming into the vast expanse of space. I couldn't look at the stars and instead sat down on one of the seats crowded around a capitalist gambling table. My dad Anakin was sitting across from me, staring at nothing and breathing with the heavy breaths of the FUCKING REVOLUTION. A moment later, Leia joined us. She wrapped the heavy, Communist blankets she had taken from our luggage around me and my dad with all the tenderness of Madame Mao.
"I can't believe he is gone." I said to her in the melancholic tones of Che Guevara.
"There wasn't anything you could have done." She replied proletariatly, "NOT WITH THE WAY THAT SAGGY SCROTUM OF A CAPITALIST FACIST EMPEROR LITERALLY OPPRESSED OUR FAMILY."
I considered her wise words, meeting her eyes in a moment of shared grief.
"Come on buddy, were aren't out of this yet." Han Solo interrupted our moment of family mourning rudely and plutocratically with a voice that oppressed LGBTQIA+ people everywhere. I used the force to see outside the ship and I knew that he was right, there were white supremacist tie fighters flying after us. They were in the shape of the iron cross Nazi medals and the very sight of them OPPRESSED ME TO MY CORE. I ran around the dodgy capitalist ship frantically until I found the gun chair thing.
"You in, kid? Okay, stay sharp!" said Han Solo oppressively, still referring to me as a kid in an attempt to deny me the right to vote in elections. I socialistically ignored him and started firing feminist bullets that were red like socialism at the tie fighters. They were firing green bullets (the colour of American money) back at our ship, clearly in an attempt to disable us. I shot a few of them down very easily and they exploded, showering money over other nearby tie fighters and blocking their tiny windows. This was mainly because they were very poorly designed by corporatists and produced by SLAVE LABOUR.
"We've lost THE FUCKING LATERAL CONTROLS," said Leia in the concerned voice of Pol Pot.
"Don't worry, she'll hold together. You hear me, baby? Hold together!" replied Han objectifying the ship as a female that he could MISOGYNISTICALLY OPRESS AND SEXUALLY ASSAULT #METOO. But Han had nothing to worry about because I used the force and easily shot down the remaining tie fighters, all without getting cocky or screaming and making an elaborate show of how good my communist force powers were. Han pushed the buttons and we jumped to hyperspace gloriously.