And now, another sort of important message from a fellow fanfiction author:
Tonight! Another thrilling episode of World's Finest Fanfiction Showcase! Starring Superman and Batman!
"Good evening, everyone," the man in the red and blue tights and the red cape flashed a charming, flawless smile. "Welcome to tonight's World's Finest Fanfiction Showcase, where we spotlight the best stories by fans, for fans, in between saving the world and punching Ultra-Humanite in the face!"
"I'm Batman," the grim, dark figure sitting next to him said, blank eyes glowing within the all black cowl.
"Yes, well..." The Man of Steel pulled a small note up, reading from it. "Oh, we have a good one tonight! Anything that Burns from Darkenning, a thrilling, moving story of fighting for the future even in the face of bleak odds and division."
"Hrn. I haven't done one of those since Side Conquests." The Batman cracked his armored knuckles together ominously. "Perhaps I'll get to smash Takamichi's pedophile face again."
"Bruce, drop the Dawn of Justice shtick already, please, we lose the audience every time we do it," Superman mumbled out a corner of his mouth, discreetly. Then he smiled good naturedly at the cameras. "This is a dramatic take of tragedy and triumph set in a world that seems to have lost everything, but still stands a chance through the power of human spirit, I am sure." He tightened a fist, the smile becoming more driven and active. "Even if they have lost so much, they still have too much left to fight and to live for!"
"You might be wondering why we aren't going there to set things straight ourselves," Batman dryly added. "But we already took care of that. We will be sending our universe's Negi Springfield and a few companions of his in the next chapter to settle the matter. They are up to the task."
The Last Son of Krypton blinked slowly. "Batman, excuse me, but I'm pretty sure that will be just a sidestory, and not canonical for the events of-"
"I'm not going if I have to do X-scenes myself, every porn story with me in it after the original Batman XXX has been just too awful. None can compare to-"
"Please don't start going on about Tori Black again, you're even creepier than usual then," Superman requested through a clenched smile. "Well, friends, tonight we are going to expand your knowledge on the different franchises involved in this mega crossover story. First we will tell you about Mai HIME."
"Mai HiME is a story of children who have lost their parents," Batman humorlessly explained, "suffering under the manipulations of smiling villains, keeping their moonlighting activities a secret, and sometimes riding on motorcycles. In other words, it is the kind of story I can identify myself with."
"That is right," Superman nodded. "The story's main heroine is Tokiha Mai, and by the end of the anime series she is victorious over the villainous Obsidian Lord and has stopped the centuries long conflict between the HiMEs, young women who use HIghly advanced equipMEnt. However, it seems in the continuity of Anything that Burns Mai has been not only sent back in time after that, but also sent into a parallel world she is not quite familiar with. Don't you hate it when that happens?"
"Hrnh. With a burning passion. Next in the list of involved franchises, we have the Danganronpa series, a multi-media set of stories centered around murderous mystery games staged by a colorful psychopath who refuses to die hiding behind the figure of a childlike, yet twisted, icon of amusement and fantasy. In other worlds, it is the kind of story the Joker can identify with, and I hate it. Besides, the 'detective' work seen there is just atrocious and sloppy."
"You only say that because it doesn't involve beating gangbangers down for information."
"I'll pretend I never heard that. Regardless, so far in this story we have only briefly seen the series' arc antagonist Enoshima Junko, supporting cast member Togami Byakuya - whom I must admit has excellent taste in butlers - and also had a glimpse of Hope's Peak Academy, the spawning ground for the cast of grotesque degenerates who fill this series. Including a goofy looking cooking themed miscreant, so they even have their own version of the Condiment King."
Superman blinked. "Batman, I'm sure the actual name of the Academy is-"
"After that, we have the presence of the Fate megafranchise, so far mostly represented by heroine Matou Sakura, born Tohsaka Sakura, and here renamed Itoshiki Sakura after being adopted by a different family than the perverse Matous. But before any of that, back when she was only an innocent child, young Sakura was walking back home with her father, mother and older sister from a Neco-Arc movie when they were surprised by a scumbag with a gun-"
"That wasn't what happened and you know it."
"It would have been much more awesome then," Batman grumbled. "Regardless, the Fate franchise mostly spins around familiar historical and mythical figures like King Arthur, Blackbeard, Jack the Ripper, Sherlock Holmes, Leonardo Da Vinci and Dracula, all of whom I have met and bested at some point or another. Because I'm Batman. Those 'Heroic Spirits' are then summoned by foolish modern day magi to fight to the death in a pointless contest for selfish ultimate power. God, that is why I hate magic so much! Anyway, in the ATB continuity, the last War fought between these 'Servants' and their 'Masters' happened ten years ago. It remains to be seen if there will be another one. If there is, Blackbeard is just lucky I'm not around anymore to kick his ass again."
"Fortunate indeed." The Kryptonian rolled his eyes. "Moving on, we also have RWBY, represented until now by heroines Ruby and Weiss. This is the story of a quartet of young 'hunters' of the supernatural, created as an online CGI animation by Team Roster Teeth. Who, hopefully, will never be scammed out of their creative rights as, I don't know, let's say two naive young Jewish men might have been way back in the forties, just to state a completely hypothetical example."
"Or Bill Finger," Batman grunted. "At least your fathers got some measure of compensation in life."
Superman sighed. "You know what this world needs? More real heroes and less injustice. But enough totally valid disgression for now, let us move onto- Oh. Discipline: Record of a Crusade."
Batman frowned. Again. "Something wrong about that? Discipline and crusades are two of my favorite things in the world."
Superman coughed uneasily. "Let's just say someone really didn't like that series -"
"Anyone who doesn't like discipline or crusades is an imbecile. Who should care about that person's opinion then?"
"- or the sole character who's appeared from it, Morimoto Reina."
"Harder to argue with. Very well, then tell me," Batman asked, "what's this 'Discipline' pf a 'Crusade' about, if not about a determined- but never obsessive- quest to master a perfectly honed mind and body, the ultimate weapons in a never ending war against crime?"
"I'm not sure either," Superman admitted. "I have a hot wife, so I don't need to watch hentai. So let's have the Hall of Justice's Troubalert Computer tell us instead. 'Puter?"
"This is a gross misuse of SuperFriends resources," a robotic, disembodied, stilted voice said as the back of the stage displayed a large screen capture of a Wikipedia entry. "I shall therefore properly inform the rest of the SuperFriends."
"Ohhhh, yes, Hawkman and Aquaman will be mad at us, I'm shaking in these shiny red boots." Superman shook his head. "Just give us the report, please, we know Samurai's programmed all sorts of depraved Japanese fetish stuff in you."
"Hai, Superman-sama," the voice sarcastically replied before expositing, in an even more stilted voice, "The story revolves around Takurō Hayami, a transfer student to the mostly female populated boarding school St. Arcadia. After being admitted because of his sexual prowess, Takurō moves into the same dorm as Saori Otokawa, Yuuki Miyagishi, Luli Nonomiya, and Maiko Kaneda, where Yuuki discovers that he has a special capability - an 'Ultimate Sex Power' - when they have sex in the bath. Having knowledge of Takurō's prowess, Leona Morimoto wants him to be part of the Social Club, of which she is the leader, with the intent of making him her own personal sex slave."
"Remember way back when we had nice, safe superpowers like simple flight and super-strength?" Superman asked Batman. "Oh, wait, no, you can't, you never had any! Either way, kids nowadays." He shook his head. "'Ultimate Sex Power'? You know who has an Ultimate Sex Power? Me, but that's just because I'm Superman, I don't need a specific superpower for that!"
"The fact Lois and Lana and Lori are all still alive and in one piece makes me sort of doubt that kind of statement," the Bat murmured.
Oblivious, Troubalert droned on. "Leona tries to pressure Takurō into joining her group by kidnapping Saori, but with the help of the other girls, she and Takurō are able to escape Leona and her club. After capturing Maiko for her in Saori and Takurō's escape, Leona has her have an orgy with her and some men, where they are no match for Maiko's sexual prowess. As punishment, Leona's sister, Reina Morimoto, the head of the school, has her wear a chastity belt-"
Batman raised a hand. "Let us just pretend the story ends there."
"You are welcome, not that anyone bothered to thank me," Troubalert said. "By the way, perhaps you would like to know Kanjar Ro is currently launching an all out attack against Moldovia."
"Send the Wonder Twins, we're busy," Batman said. "Hnh. Next comes Shoujo Kakumei Utena. I actually like this one as well, since it deals with rich alienated children staging revolutions to change the world and occasionally driving motor vehicles at high speeds, and someone turns into a cow. Nowhere as cool as my Bat-Cow, but still."
"Bat-Cow?"
"You aren't the only one Grant Morrison has written for, you are aware of that, right?"
"Sorry," Superman sighed. "Carry on then."
"See, what I like about Utena is the symbolism," Batman began, not starring Christian Bale this time. "Everything is there for a reason, and every detail serves a purpose in the story. It is very well thought and planned, unlike Evangelion, which is mostly faux symbolism pulled together under Anno's blanket of personal issues."
"Uh-huh," Superman said.
"Utena is a coming of age story, but unlike most such stories understands the strain and sacrifices of life choices while growing up," the Bat lectured. "No character is perfect, but they are also pitiable and even sympathetic in their own way. Despite the appearances, nothing is ever gratuitous. Nothing."
"I'm glad the guy who starred in two Joel Schumacher movies thinks so," Superman nodded along.
"Utena is not only the story of Tenjou Utena, its protagonist, it is the ensemble cast story of Ohtori Academy as a whole. The whole fairy tale motifs surrounding the themes, the Prince Savior and Damsel in Distress intricacies moving the plot along, all serve as a powerful questioning of the nature of heroism, effort and their worth, but unlike most stories dabbling in these themes, there's actually a satisfactory payoff."
"TV series or movie?"
"Both, from different perspectives, but both. The movie-"
"I never thought I'd say this, but I'm already missed the curt abrassive man of few words who would just sock you across the jaw with a Kryptonite ring to say 'hello'. Next item on the list, Harem Tune Genteiban."
Crickets began chirping across the studio.
"Okay, let's see what is this one about." Batman pressed a few keys on his board, and the screens behind them flashed a single large image of a first colour page, showing off a pantyshot of a green haired girl, her blue and white stripped panties in clear view as she gushed about her new school uniform to everyone. "..."
"Well. It didn't take the World's Greatest Detective to see this coming," Superman checked through his notes. "Here it says this manga- doesn't seem to be an animated version available- is by Motofumi Takaoka, and- huh, these pages don't seem to show a single protagonist keeping all the girls around him, the perverts taking advantage of them seem to vary chapter by chapter, so I don't understand why does it have 'harem' in the title. Same reason why there's a Stay Night after the Fate, I imagine. So far, I only can find a single volume and eleven chapters, even though the last page promises a 'to be continued'."
The World's Finest looked at each other helplessly for a moment, then gave each other a shrug.
Batman rasped, and simply went on. "Very well. So. Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion. This hit animated series, split in two different seasons and later spawning a spinoff OVA, two manga, an upcoming sequel movie that has geeks everywhere crying foul, and an Alice in Wonderland OVA that is nothing but a stupid series of static images with voiceovers because they had to cut as much corners as possible, tells the story of Lelouch Lamperouge, a young aristocratic genius with a trauma born from parental loss, putting on a mask after a fateful meeting in a blood stained street, and using his cruel cunning mind and the occasional mecha, plus a unique skill to control others to do his bidding, to engage in a pragmatic, often callous, war against oppression and tyranny."
"I assume you love it as well."
"Not really. Never could stand the CLAMP character designs. I'll say this, however, the Alice in Wonderland OVA is the best thing ever to keep Jervis Tetch docile. In Arkham they rerun it over and over, and Tetch only escapes whenever there's a blackout."
"I see. Anyway, in the original setting of Code Geass, the Britannian Empire, which is not in England but in the United States, has seized control of Japan, renaming it the Area Eleven, mostly to get access to the large amounts of Plot Device minerals under Japan's surface. It is a long known fact since the times of Mazinger Z that only Japan hosts the metals to empower giant mecha, after all. In the continuity of Anything that Burns, however, the England that is not England is not the United States either, but is Canada. And Japan is not Japan, but coastal China and Taiwan is. Sorry, I meant Area Eleven is coastal China and Taiwan. My bad. I sometimes space out when talking about rare plot device minerals villainous forces scheme to get their hands on."
"We are left with only two other franchises to cover tonight," Batman said. "And now it's the turn of... hm. To Love Ru. You better handle this one, demented aliens often scheming to marry people against their will is more your specialty."
Superman frowned. "You're pursued by Maxima just once, and you get labeled the 'alien Yandere magnet' guy ... but yes, I do know a fair lot about To Love Ru. It's not super-interesting, as some sources claim, but it is a funny comedy to read through until you realize it's mostly the same stuff over and over. What can I say? Jimmy once got me to read it."
"Of course he would."
Superman nodded. "To Love Ru is the creation of manga-ka Akemi Saki and Yabuki Kentaro, as stated at the start of almost every Unequally chapter. It is the story of Yuuki Rito, a hapless young man from Earth in love with classmate Sairenji Haruna (changed to Negima's Saotome Haruna at least once in some fanfiction series) who suddenly gets engaged, much against his will, to alien princess and savant genius Lala Satalin Deviluke. The franchise has spawned two manga series, both of which ended miserably; three anime television series, several Original Animation Videos, and a few videogames no one would want to be reminded of."
"In this setting, out of all those characters, other than a brief apparance of Lala, only school teases Risa and Mio, fellow discipline zealot Kotegawa Yui, and alien outlaw nurse Mikado, have shown up so far, plus a likely cameo of Rito's sister Mikan," Batman droned. "But we have learned from the author himself there might be a major change to the series' protagonist himself for this setting. Exactly what it is, you'll have to wait for it. Or do something else with your lives. I don't care as long as it's not criminal activity."
"We close tonight's segment with Highschool DxD, a light novel series describing the exploits of Hyoudou Issei, a perverted high school student who is one day killed by a Fallen Angel, only to be revived as a Devil by Rias Gremory and her Club of the Occult. We saw Issei briefly in Chapter One, where his dragon 'Sacred Gear' was extracted from him by Negi's scheming student Zazie Rainyday."
"What are Rainyday's exact purposes for Hyoudou's Sacred Gear are once Negi is in possesion of it, we only can speculate. Well, you can only do that. I have deduced her whole scheme already from the evidence seen so far. Because I'm Batman."
"You haven't figured it out yet, have you."
"Of course I have, I'm that good. To prove it, let's close tonight's show with this rocking song composed for me by The LEGO Batman Movie, and let's all wonder whether Superman has ever gotten a song this kickass or not."
"Oh, brother," the Man of Steel groaned as Batman began quietly shaking his head to the tune of,
In the darkest night, huh
I make the bad guys fall, huh
There's a million heroes
But I'm the best of them all, yeah.
"By the way," Batman said as the end credits rolled. "The correct acronym is Highly Advanced Materializing Equipment. What happened to that Super-Memory, Kent? Those eighty years finally taking their toll on you?"
"Give me a break, Bruce, I'm barely into that stuff at all. Next time I'm just sending Conner. Or is he Kon this week? Damn Crisis reboots, one can't even keep track anymore."
Who has the coolest gadgets? (Batman!)
Who has the tricked out ride? (Batman!)
Who does the sickest backflips? (Batman!)
Nananananana Batman, yeah!
"Hm, Kent?" the Batman tensed up as Clark sipped from a cup of coffee, a tall, powerful figure standing behind them with fists balled up on wide, strong hips from which hung a golden lasso, "Isn't your Spider-Sense buzzing all of a sudden?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Bruce, we aren't Spider-Men. Those seventy nine years finally catching up with you?"
"No, I'm sure I'm feeling some angry presence right behind us now. Perhaps it has to be with that report Troubalert must have filled as he threatened to do."
Hey, hey, Batman yeah!
Hey, hey, Batman yeah!
Hey, hey, Batman yeah!
Dada dada dada dada Batman, yeah!
"Ah, yes, that," Superman sighed without even bothering to look back. "Look, Arthur, I'm sorry, I really am, but this also was a sort of important matter to attend to, and furthermore, you're just Aquaman, so-"
"Arthur called in sick," Wonder Woman coldly replied from where she stood. "I'm replacing him tonight. While we are on it, Harem Tune Genteiban has actually two volumes out, and it is titled so because the female protagonist is accused of wanting to have a harem in the first chapter. Not that I would expect you to know much about female-led harems ... boys."
Both men gulped.
You think my muscles are big? (Thanks)
You haven't seen my brain, huh
Ladies, it's okay if you stare (Why?)
'Cause I'm a billionaire
And this is me playing guitar also
The screen faded to black over the loud sounds of hitting and punching, occasionally accompanied by giant onomatopeia bursting into sight, along with groans of pain in the voices of Kevin Conroy and George Newbern.
I get the last laugh
I get the final grin
Throw you into the asylum with Harley Quinn
Turn Two-Face, to black-and-blue face
I 100% am not Bruce Wayne, yeah
POW!
BIFFF!
SPLAT!
KA-BLOOIE!
KER-SPLAT!
Who is the manliest man? (Batman!)
With the buns of steel? (Batman!)
Who could…
Thanks to Darkenning for suggesting this closing scene, and until next time, please be good.