Broken dreams
Author's note: I am sorry... I am so sorry...
He finds Rey sitting on the floor by the balcony doors, knees drawn to herself and head resting back against the wooden panel. She has her gaze set on some distant, unreachable spot way beyond the mountains, and streaks of tears are glistening on her cheeks. She looks small. Empty and alone.
"You should have told me the truth," Rey says, sensing him hovering at the entrance of her room. "About you and her."
Ben hesitates, wondering if it's a curse or fate to always have love just out of reach. He sighs and rubs his eyes. Force, he is so sick and tired of his life.
"There was not much to say…"
"She caught me by surprise. I would have been able to deal with her better if I had known the truth. My reaction just verified the rumors and gave her the leverage she was seeking against us," she continues in a hoarse voice, wiping her cheeks and nose on her sleeve like the savage girl that she is. Something clenches inside him. Her sobs must have really wrecked her body.
"Do you really want to know?"
"Yes…"
Ben sighs. He would like to laugh at how the past comes back to mock him at the worst possible moments.
"It was meaningless sex, the night I met her." His voice comes out oddly steady, despite the lump in his throat. "We were drunk, and I was high on spice. It meant nothing. To either of us."
"That's not what she made it sound like…"
She looks so frail, it drives him nearly mad trying to stay away. What has that woman said to her?
"If she has any deeper feelings about it, I wasn't aware."
Ben curls his fists, restraining himself from rushing over and crushing her in his arms. He wants to beg for her to believe him. To forgive him. But she probably doesn't even want to be touched. And why would she? All he's done till now is hurt her. It would be for the best to let her stay mad at him. But, he is a selfish and greedy creature and cannot let go.
He knew he should have never laid a finger on her. Touched a single strand of her hair.
He had no right…
"Hannah has been nothing more than a... friend to me," Ben wants to bite his tongue off at the mere mention of that word. Rey slides a scathing glare his direction, and Ben knows he'd be a pile of ash if looks could burn. He rakes his hand through his hair and hurries to salvage what he can. "I mean an actual friend. We shared a vision for our worlds, and believed an alliance would be the best strategy against the First Order. She agreed to help me form one with her people, if I helped her get away from her conservative society. That was our deal at the time. There was nothing more between me and her. Not from my side, at least."
He approaches her slowly, setting one foot in front of the other under the dim lighting of her room, afraid that one wrong word will have her fleeing from him.
"I was never attracted to Hannah and never felt that she was attracted to me, either. I don't know what game she's playing…"
"Well, whatever game she's playing, she's definitely the one in control." Rey bites her lip, and looks out the window again. "You should have told me."
"It was not your concern!" Shit. Ben rakes his hair again in frustration. His negotiating skills are completely evading him at the moment. This whole damn day, come to think of it. And if he continues at this rate, Rey will abandon him and disappear from his life so fast that he will be left behind cursing the day that he was born. "At the beginning, when you returned to my life, I believed it didn't matter. That it wasn't information you needed to know. But then…" Ben struggles with the words. Struggles to come up with an excuse where there is none. "Then I didn't have the heart to tell you. I was too afraid of what you would think of me. Of how you would react..."
Rey presses her lips tightly and turns her slim hands into fists.
He's losing her. He knows he is losing her over the smallest, simplest lie. An omission really. And there is nothing he can do to take anything back.
"Would it have changed anything? Between you and me? Would you have left me if I had told you the truth?" His voice cracks at the last question. How could it not? At this point how can anything stay intact? "Will you leave me now?"
"I don't know."
"Yes, you do. You know…"
His heart is thumping so wildly in his ribcage it feels like it will break through. It's all or nothing at this point.
"I should have left you. I should have left you a long time ago."
"But you didn't. You stayed to watch me fuck up, more times than we can count."
"You certainly have." She snorts at his admission, and he dares to approach her even closer. Always so carefully, as if she can slip through his fingers and fly away.
"Then why didn't you, Rey? Why didn't you leave me? You had plenty of chances."
"You know why I couldn't leave you."
"You'll have to say it this time, baby girl."
"Don't call me that."
Oh, but he knows. He knows how much she loves being called that. "Tell me why you haven't left me, Rey."
"I will leave you if you keep pressuring me like that, you monster!" She grits at him.
Yes, he is her monster. But he is so much more now… He comes to tower over her, to corner her, with his insides twisted into a throbbing mess.
"You'll come right back," he concedes. "I know you will."
She glares at him with tears in her eyes. And Ben knows. He knows he will risk everything they have ever had, just to hear her say those three words. He is that desperate and lovesick.
"Tell me, Rey."
"No."
"Say that you love me, damn it!" Fuck, she is so stubborn!
"I said no!"
"The wedding is in three days. We are running out of time! How much longer are you planning to wait!"
He holds his breath. Prays. Maker help him, he won't be able to survive.
She stares at him with those glistening hazel eyes, all flushed cheeks and trembling lips. Rain patters on the window behind her and thunder rumbles over the sleeping mountaintops. Ben swears he can hear their hearts break.
"I love you! I can never leave you..." she growls at him at last.
He falls to his knees. Crawls to where she sits.
"Then don't! You don't have to. Because I am leaving with you!" He has definitely lost his fucking mind. "I have already sent Holdo all my codes and given out last instructions on the Chiss negotiations. My ship is already being prepped for our journey and I'm waiting for credits to be transferred to one of my off-shore accounts before we can depart."
She stares at him with wide eyes. "Ben, what are you talking about?"
"All we need to do is pick a planet."
"A planet?" She scrunches her brow. "Ben, I don't underst…"
"Bespar. We could go to Bespar," he grabs her hands. "I've heard it has a moderate climate like Chandrila. Or Naboo! How does that sound? My grandmother was from there, and…"
"Have you lost your mind?"
Yes, but she doesn't need to know about that.
"Just my heart..." His attempt at humor is so pathetic, it actually gets an amused snort from her amidst her sniffles.
"You're crazy. You do know that, right?"
"You've mentioned it before, yes."
She chuckles weakly, wiping her nose on that snotty sleeve again, and her laugh sounds like bells are ringing in heaven. He cups her cheeks, gently, too afraid he'll break her if he's not careful enough.
"Rey, let's leave together. Put everything behind us. Live a life that we have only dreamt about…" He knows he would die for her. He would literally rip his worthless heart out and give it to her, if she asked.
Ben would do anything for her. Anything at all.
But she sniffs and streaks of tears start lining her cheeks again before rolling over his hands and fingers and dripping on the floor. She gives him her brightest smile with the saddest eyes.
"I can't do that to you," she whispers. "Run away with you. The alliance would crumble, the guilt would destroy you, and I love you too much to see you suffer like that."
His heart stops.
No.
"Rey, no." He wipes her tears away, forces her to keep looking at him. "I don't care about any of it anymore!"
She wraps her fingers around his wrists and rubs them soothingly, looking at him in a way that…
"No," he snaps, pulling away from her suddenly. He runs his hand through his hair, trying to gather his thoughts. She's not being rational at the moment. She doesn't understand that there simply is no other way.
"Ben."
"I can't marry Hannah."
"You said so yourself, there is no other choice."
"The hell there isn't."
Ben gets off the floor and starts pacing the room. This is absurd. He never expected Rey to turn down his proposal. Everything was so carefully thought out and planned. Why can't she see that he would rip the universe into shreds if he could only find a way to be with her?
But she is rejecting him. He is sacrificing everything he has ever built, and everything he has ever fought for her, and she is rejecting him.
He never thought she could be so cruel.
"How can you want me to marry Hannah?" he snarls at her, halting in the middle of the room and tossing out his hand. "You just said you love me. What kind of a woman says I love you to a man and then urges them to marry another woman? Fuck this!"
Rey doesn't love him. She doesn't even…
He turns around, nearly tripping over a coffee table in the middle of the room. He slams his hand on it, grips it and hurls it to the side with a roar. A sickening crash resonates, but all he can hear is the buzzing in his ears and the thudding of his heart.
Fuck this.
He is heaving, breathless, and his chest hurts. Another roar breaks loose, but does nothing to make the pain go away. Nothing can make that pain go away. He rubs his face and bites his lip, tasting blood.
There must be some way...
He feels a light touch on his shoulder, and then a pair of slender arms are wrapping around him, and his chest hurts so much he thinks it will cave in on itself.
"Ben, I know…" she tries to soothe the storm inside him, but her own voice sounds just as haunted. Her head comes to rest between his shoulder blades. "But if you break off the wedding now, the negotiations will fail, the Chiss will support the First Order - and trillions will die. We have no choice, sweetheart..."
A sob breaks through his chest, shattering his dreams.
He doesn't know how long she holds him together, with her body pressed to his and her arms wrapped like vices around his chest. But when the fury dissipates and his mind starts to clear, everything starts falling into its dreadful place.
Rey and him never stood a chance. He had known that from the very beginning.
The storm outside has subsided as well, he notices as he stares out the windows. The howling wind is gone, and the tree branches are no longer whipping against the glass. But it's still raining. And it feels like it will never stop.
She senses his shifting emotions and loosens her hold on him, walking around to tenderly caress his hair out of his face. Ben knows that their time is running out. And he needs to do what is right by her.
For once.
"You can't stay with me..." he mumbles in her hair as he holds her tight.
He has to tell her. He has to tell her now. Ben doesn't believe he'll have the courage to do so again.
She lifts her head to look at him. Her eyes are so red and swollen he's afraid he'll never see them smile again.
"What do you mean?"
He holds her gaze, drinks in every last freckle of her face and tries to memorize the curl of her lips. How will he let go?
"You deserve better than being my lover in some lawless affair. You can't stay on Coruscant once I marry Hannah. You will be miserable."
"I'll be miserable either way, so…"
"Rey." He wants to laugh at their bitter fate. "Don't."
Letting her go will be practically impossible. He doubts he will have the strength to do it when the moment comes. But he has to let her know that she is free. That she shouldn't look back.
"You have so much to discover, and a whole life to live. I have no right to keep you. I never did."
"I'm not leaving you," she argues.
Ben caresses a strand of hair from her beautiful face and sets it carefully behind her ear. "Yes, you are. Some wise Jedi once said that if you love someone, you shouldn't make them suffer. I've decided to follow her advice," he says softly.
"I'm no wise Jedi."
"I'm still following your advice."
Her lip starts to tremble.
"Hush, my angel…" he sets her head onto his chest again. Over his throbbing heart. "There's no need for you to cry. I will always be with you. Just a thought away." He runs his hand over her hair and kisses her forehead. He feels a sob wreck her body once again, and he swallows his own. "And you never know. We might see each other again…"
He has to believe he'll see her again. He doesn't know how he will go on without her.
"Luke wants me to join his mission."
Ben shuts his eyes and tightens his hold on her. This is his worst nightmare coming to life.
"Rey, please don't join Luke's mission…" he pleads into her hair. "You'll get yourself killed."
"He believes I'm ready."
Of course he would. He did send her to protect him after all, nearly getting her killed in the process by the dark Knights. He can't even imagine what the Jedi will be up against when they infiltrate the Supremacy to kill Snoke.
"A war is approaching, and I'm sure you can be of service elsewhere. Please, try to stay safe… Don't go on that mission."
He kisses her temple, wishing he could find a way to stop her. But his girl is a stubborn creature with no sense of self preservation whatsoever. She chose to love him, after all.
"I'll go where I'm needed," she whispers to him, and Ben knows that this is it. He will never set eyes on her again. He holds her tight and sighs into her hair.
"If something happens to you, I'll feel it..." he whispers in her hair, unable to trust his voice. Ben senses this, somehow, down to his very bones. "And how will I ever live in this galaxy knowing that you are gone?"
But his girl only smiles up at him with those beautiful eyes and says, "No one is ever really gone."
Maker, he wishes he could believe that.
He stays awake that night, staring at the ornate ceiling and the shadows being cast on it. His arms are wrapped around Rey, their naked bodies tangled in the sheets and blankets of their bed, as he listens to her light breathing. There, in the stillness of it all, Ben can't help but recount all the moments he's had with her. Every single one of them. He collects them, one by one, and stores them somewhere deep and safe. In a place he can always turn to in his moments of weakness, when the world is too big, and the responsibilities too heavy, and the loneliness so crippling that he will feel like there is no reason for him to go on.
He will find her there.
He always had.
But now… Now it's time to own up to his mistakes. And perhaps find a bit of absolution. He has been reckless with her and he needs to fix this. If she decides to fight next to Luke, he can't have her jeopardize her life because of him. Because of a pregnancy that they could have avoided. He has to give her the choice now before it's too late.
Before she is with child and refuses to give up on it.
Their child. Or any other man's that might come after him.
Ben rubs his stinging eyes in the night. Cries silently over their broken dreams.
Rey does not understand why he is so concerned over a possible pregnancy. She knows which days in her monthly cycle are most probable to conceive a child, and the past few days she has been with him were not dangerous. She's not that stupid.
But he had been so adamant about contraception this morning, when she woke to find him sitting on a chair next to their bed, with eyes bloodshot and looking as if he hadn't slept in a decade. She asked him if it were the nightmares that had returned to keep him awake, but he had only chuckled bitterly to himself, rubbed his eyes and declared a heartbreaking no.
Rey walks beside him in the pristine white corridors of the hospital with a heavy heart. His dark circles are back, and the melancholy that had disappeared these past few days is wrapped around him again, as black and heavy as his Governor's robes.
The Chiss delegation is probably already at the Government building waiting for the High Chancellor's arrival, in order for the second day of talks and negotiations to begin. But Ben has decided to make a stop at Coruscant's Central Hospital for an urgent visit.
She steals a glance in his direction, only to catch him looking back.
He must sense how concerned she feels for him, because he squeezes her hand in some form of unspoken understanding, and does not let go of it until they reach a pair of white doors, which open automatically at their presence.
They enter a medical bay, spotless and white, with a sterile smell that makes her skin crawl.
"High Chancellor, welcome," a doctor greets them. "My lady...Please forgive the accommodations. It was impossible to receive you in a private office on such late notice. If you wish to wait, perhaps I could arrange... "
Ben raises his gloved hand to silence him. "It won't be necessary, doctor. Our visit will be quick. Have you prepared what I asked for?"
"Of course, Sir," he signals at a medical droid to approach with a tray containing two injecting devices.
"Good, now leave us."
"Perhaps it would be best if I remained to help out in…"
"It won't be necessary," Ben cuts him off.
The man bows under the heavy gaze. "As you wish, High Chancellor. Let me know if there's anything else I can do for you."
The doctor departs, leaving the two of them alone in the cold white room. Rey sits on one of the examination beds while Ben pulls a stool to sit in front of her. He takes off his gloves and sets them on the bed next to Rey. She can sense he is buying time as he picks up one of the devices and fidgets with it for a while before he clears his throat.
He is so wrecked it makes her hurt.
Rey lifts her sleeve before he says anything to her. "It's alright... I understand why we're doing this."
But he takes her hand in his, threading their fingers together and fiddling with their tips. It takes him a few moments to lift his gaze to hers. Stars, he looks so sad. "If times were different… If I wasn't…" He clears his throat once more. "We wouldn't be here. I would take care of you if you were pregnant. I would be a father to our child. None of this would be…"
"Shh…" she sets a finger to his lips gently to silence him. She knows. She knows they are left with no choices. "You don't have to explain anything to me. Just go ahead and do it."
Ben nods and proceeds to inject her with the first device. It stings lightly as it pierces her skin, but it's gone the moment he sets it down with a clank on the metal table next to them. When he takes the second device in his hands he seems to be even more nervous. He twirls it a couple of times in his hands before he offers it to her to inspect it.
"This," he begins, sounding very strained, "will inject you with a contraceptive chip. So in case you ever become… intimate with someone, you won't have to worry about… you know." He shrugs awkwardly under Rey's intense stare.
"What?" she snaps, appalled. "Why would I ever need this chip? Ben, no."
What he is implying is simply ridiculous!
Rey can't imagine being with another man, or harboring any kind of emotions anywhere close to how she feels for Ben, who sits before her looking so damaged and broken beyond repair. This gesture is so pointless and borderline offensive that Rey just wants to throw the device across the room, shatter a few duraglass windows along the way, and have it smashed against the surface of the building across - where it belongs.
"I don't need it!"
"Rey, don't be in such a hurry to turn it down."
"I said no!"
She attempts to stand up, but he holds her gently by the arm. Looks at her with such a soft expression it makes her want to scream at him. She can't bear to look at him.
"It doesn't mean anything," he attempts to soothe her. "It's a simple precaution. You are young and have a whole life ahead of you. I am the last person who would want you to have any relationship with another man, but if it happens, I'd like for you to at least be prepared until you are ready for bigger decisions in your life."
"Ben, I don't want another man in my life…."
He is being stubborn and oddly caring about a horrible situation such as this. It is so out of character for him, and she briefly wonders if the lack of sleep has been messing with his judgement. The negotiations are bound to fail today, she is certain of it.
But he lifts his hand to caress her face, with the pad of his thumb rubbing those little circles on her cheek that always leave her in a mess of emotions. He tries to say something to her, but in the end he just presses his lips together tightly and looks down. His Adam's apple bobs lightly before he continues in a near whisper.
"You deserve so much more than I can offer you. I want you to be happy."
And the moment hits her.
It just hits her out of nowhere.
It might just be because of the contrasts. His black figure against the harsh white walls of the medical bay, his sad, dark eyes against the light smirk that he gives her. Or just his warm hand grasping her own cold one. Rey doesn't quite know what causes this fear that suddenly takes over.
But she realizes that she might not see him again.
That this sterile moment between them is an unconventional farewell, and she is only days away from parting ways with him. Perhaps forever.
"I don't want another man," she whispers to him. "I've only ever wanted you."
He doesn't say anything more.
Ben injects her with the chip and lifts those dark eyes to look at her. Her words still linger in the space between them, when he leans over to kiss her, with lips soft and salty from his tears.
Rey cracks at the touch, fearing she might never taste them again.
Author's note: Love is not always about sacrificing ourselves for the ones we love. Sometimes it's simply choosing what is best for them.
Music selection for this chapter "Run" by Snow Patrol. But for some reason "Don't you cry "by Guns and Roses also crept up on me. I'll leave it up to you.