Wordly vows
Author's note: "Halo" by Lotte Kestner ( I prefer this version for the chapter)
Rey stands in front of her mirror, braiding her hair into a bun at the back of her head. Her fingers are trembling lightly, and she curses under her breath with each pin she drops and loses on the thick carpet. She has already counted six, and frustration is building up inside her.
But she is a Jedi
It is forbidden to let emotions consume her.
Her hands fall to her sides and she stares at her reflection, trying to regain her cool. She stares at her stony face, at the sleepless eyes and the tight press of her lips. Rey can barely recognize herself. Perhaps because it's winter, and the sun has barely touched her complexion in months. Or perhaps it's just the dark Jedi outfit she has chosen to wear for this day, that makes her look practically white.
Whichever it is, it doesn't matter. Because this is a day she wishes had never dawned.
She sets a pin between her lips. Resumes the braiding of her hair.
"Do you need any help?"
His deep voice startles her, breaking her concentration. Another pin drops to the floor without a sound. The seventh one - the number of days she has been sleeping with him.
"No, I can manage," she answers back, flatly. Not that she can hide her emotions from him.
She senses him cross the room and approach her. The ruffle of stiff fabric and the muffled heavy footsteps on the carpet betray him. Rey looks down, avoiding his gaze when he comes to stand behind her. His warmth instantly caresses the fine hair of her exposed skin, and his heavy presence in the Force envelopes her. She wants to lean against his solid chest, rest her thoughts and rampant emotions.
She doesn't know how she will make it through this day.
His thick fingers thread with hers in the back of her head, taking over the weaving of her hair. "Let me help you," he says softly. His breath fans on her skin and her body comes alive at his touch. His eyes find hers in the mirror. Rey wants to sob, so she looks away.
"I forgot you're from Alderaan," she says, but her voice cracks this time. She feels him pause, perhaps even sigh. "Did your mother teach you?"
He chuckles, but his heart is not in it. She can tell by the sound. "She did."
She nods and steals a glance at him. At his perfectly styled hair and stony face. At his expensive, black suit, the polished insignia and badges of his status pinned on his broad chest.
One of the galaxy's most powerful and influential men.
Everything speaks of the cold, detached, impeccable man she had met a few months ago. Everything but the soft sadness in his eyes when he meets her gaze in the mirror. Tears should have been streaming down her face by now. But not one has appeared.
"Isn't it part of a ceremony or tradition? The braiding of hair in your culture?" She can't quite remember…
He hesitates for a heartbeat. Looks at her almost guiltily before he resumes the braiding. "Yes."
There's a crease of concentration between his eyebrows.
"Well, aren't you going to tell me?"
"Hand me a pin."
Rey lifts one for him to take and his fingers caress hers lightly. He sets it carefully into the woven hair, before resuming the braiding. Rey waits patiently.
"Your mother did a great job teaching you," she comments to break the silence. Anything to break this oppressive silence. But he only smiles at her and asks for one more. "Did your father also learn how to do it?"
Ben snorts, derisively. "No. I'm the one who used to help her. And ThreePio once in a while."
"Ah…"
Conversation comes so hard today. But yet there are things she still wants to know about him. Even at the last minute. She has to complete this picture of him today as perfectly and diligently as she can. There's barely any more time.
She watches his dark eyes follow the movement of his fingers, watches the soft blink of his lashes and the slight flare of his nostrils as he concentrates on his task. There's a gentleness about it, an intimacy almost at the reverent touch of her hair. It causes a sweet ache to spread in her chest. A longing for the man she can never have.
Rey wants to sob. But her tears have dried up.
"Why are you braiding my hair, Ben? What does it mean?" she whispers to him.
Ben sets the last pin on her hair and meets her gaze in the mirror. His expression is guarded, like her own. But his eyes…
His eyes…
He puts his hands on her shoulders, cups them tenderly as he brings his face next to hers. His musk and fresh, clean scent envelopes her. "It means nothing more than you want it to mean. Ceremonies and worldly vows hold no true power."
She turns her head to look at him. To decipher the meaning behind his words. And Ben holds her gaze steadily, lets her read what she desperately searches for in his mind.
"It isn't meant to be," she whispers in the small space between their lips. "There's no room for those thoughts anymore, Ben."
"I know…" He sighs, roaming her face with his gaze. "But a man can hold on to a broken dream."
"A broken dream?" She tries to smile at him playfully, when, in fact, he is only breaking her heart. "When did you become so poetic?"
He nuzzles her cheek with the tip of his nose.
"I was always poetic. You just never noticed…" He says, caressing her lips with his own. Rey leans into his warm breath and soft kiss, filing one more of his odd traits in her heart.
Gods only know how many there are.
But Ben ignores the storm in her mind and captures her lips eagerly. He moans his affection in her mouth as she threads her fingers in his hair. Just one last touch, she tells herself, one last kiss to fill the void that awaits her. But it's all so familiar and painful. The way his tongue meets her own, and his hands grasp her waist and his breath caresses her face. It all hurts so much, and she wants the pain to go away.
Rey wants to sob. But her body doesn't know how anymore.
He picks her up in his arms without breaking their kiss - it all escalates so fast between them these days - and next thing she knows he is carrying her to their bed. There is no room for second thoughts or reservations.
"This is probably not a very good idea," she whimpers in his mouth.
"It's an excellent idea," he murmurs as he lays her down, suckling a path down her neck.
"Your stylist is going to throw a fit if we mess anything up," she chides. She has to hold on to logic and reality, keep their instincts at bay, but stars his lips on her neck drive her wild. He hums in contentment. "Ben..are you even listening to me?"
"Of course I am," his voice comes out muffled.
"Then what do you think you're you doing?"
He pauses with one of her black boots already in hand, and looks at her with an almost puzzled expression. "What does it look like I'm doing?"
She should scold him, slap him too - because he probably deserves it, but instead a giggle escapes her and she clamps it down with her hand. This man..."You are insane!"
"I think we have established that," he smiles at her impishly for a heartbeat or two, but then both their smiles falter and gradually fall. They are left staring at each other. Staring at the last moments remaining in each other's presence.
He slowly removes her other boot and sets his knee between her legs to crawl up the bed. The mattress dips under his weight as he comes to loom over her. His hair falls like a dark halo around his face..
"One last time," he whispers, setting his forehead to hers. "Let me have you one last time…"
Rey nods. At this point what else is there to say? She pulls him down by the lapels of his wedding suit.
Ben removes the stiff jacket as their lips strain to remain together. They are a mess of hasty fingers and hungry lips as Rey works to undo the buckle and fastenings of his pants, while he tugs off her black leggings and underpants. He braces himself over her and tugs her shirt open. Her back arches and eyes shut in anticipation, as she slips her hands inside the opening of his collar to feel his skin. She can't have enough of him. She can never have enough of him. He sighs on her neck, slides his lips down its curve to the swell of her breast. Her nipple pebbles instantly when he takes it in his mouth.
"Say that you're mine," she whimpers in his hair, tugging on his thick strands.
He groans around a mouthful of her breast. Rey digs her nails into his skin, wishing she could trail them down the scratches she has already left on him. Part of her wants that woman to discover their existence. To know that he has already been claimed, body, heart and soul by her, and that no wordly vows can ever take that back. "Say that you will always be mine…"
He lifts his head to look at her. But instead of an answer he sets her left thigh over his shoulder and slides his fingers inside her, spreading the slickness between her folds. Rey clenches around them.
"I'll always be yours." He mumbles, trailing kisses over the bruises he's left on her thighs. "And you…" he pauses and moves up her body, with her knee still hooked over his shoulder. His dark gaze bores down on her, making her squirm under the intensity. He removes his fingers with a sudden wet sound, and Rey nearly whimpers at the loss. But then he is sinking himself inside her, inch by inch, stretching her and filling her so torturously slow that Rey feels her heart will spill over. Her eyes fall shut and she rises her body to meet his.
"And you...," he finally breathes when he can't go any deeper. He drags himself out and thrusts back in, jolting her on the soft bedspread. "Don't ever forget that."
Rey snaps her attention to him. To those eyes now shadowed with doubt.
There's fear rimming his words, she realizes as his next thrust comes even rougher and his pace builds up. Ben wants her to remember him. He wants her to remember this moment for more than a simple promise between lovers. It's his unspoken way of asking her to always belong to him as well.
"I will never forget you…" she whispers back, cupping his face and holding his gaze. "How could I ever forget you?"
His grasp on her tenses, and he looks practically starved when he molds his lips to hers once again. Their joined bodies move in desperation. They writhe and grind together, in sacred whispers and sinful moans, chasing their last moments as if the whole world is about to come tumbling down around them. And when it does, when they are left staring at each other in a panting tangle of limbs, they have the inescapable knowledge that their time together has now come to an end.
"Promise you'll wait for me after the ceremony," he says, searching her eyes anxiously. "I can't have you leave me without saying goodbye."
She doesn't know how she will be able to say another goodbye to him. The first one had haunted her all her life.
"I promise you…" she says, holding on to his gaze.
Rey wants to sob. But he drowns it with a kiss.
It all feels surreal.
The Jedi Temple and its cavernous size, the echoes of voices from the gathered crowd, the sunlight glinting through the stained glass. The burnt incense. The winter drafts. The colorful, elegant clothes and plain beige cloaks, the stylish hats, and keen eyes and curious looks and solemn stares.
His family and friends. His opponents.
And amongst them all the Chiss and their burning gaze, representatives of the frail alliance he has gained in exchange for his life. He has bought their ships and temporary friendship to fight for the Republic, but nothing more solid than that. Hannah has pacified the rumors. Her father has given his word. She hopes it will be enough.
She prays it will be enough…
Ben shifts his eyes to her, and Rey hopes no one sees. But at this point why would it even matter? He is at the altar, his soon to be wife is about to appear through the tall, heavy doors of the Temple. There is no harm holding on to that gaze for just a little longer, is there? Holding on to the imposing image of him solemn and tall, and molding it with the nights his warm naked body was draped over hers. What harm could that do?
Rey still feels his spend dampening her underclothes, his scent lingering on her skin. She holds on to that gaze, carves it into one more memory.
A sudden noise resonates in the Temple, the voices die down and everyone shifts their attention to the grand doors.
All except for his. Ben is still looking at her, and his eyes are now turning molten.
Rey can no longer breathe…
It's all surreal.
The way the High Priest sets the woman's hand into Ben's, and ties them together with a strand, the way he meets Hannah's eyes under the shimmering light, the way the solemn vows resonate within the ancient walls. The way his hand trembles when he slides the ring on the woman's finger.
Rey watches it all with an impassive face and a maelstrom in her heart.
She stands rigid in his shadow, his most loyal protector, fighting the cruelest battle ever with none other than her own self.
It all feels like a lie. Like a twisted dream that she is forced to watch chained down to a numb, immobile body. A body she does not recognize. A body that is not hers.
She closes her eyes momentarily, pleading for a moment of peace. A moment where she can shut down all her senses and drift to a place far away, where serenity and Light can carry her burden. But her heart is heavy as a stone, and gets dragged down to the ground. She is forced to hear every waiver of his deep voice and feel every throb of his pain in the Force.
It's tearing her apart.
All she wants to do is be free of this pain. To give in to this strange voice within her that speaks of numbness and apathy, of shutting down emotions and not having a care in the world. Of forgetting and burying the pain and turning her heart into steel.
Rey clenches her jaw.
It angers her to think about how vulnerable she has allowed herself to become. How much she has given up just to be at his side. How low and contemptible and shameless her behavior has been. And all because of...
Yes…
The whispers say.
He has been your undoing...
They feel like tendrils of smoke, these sassurations. Eerie and enchanting, carrying a shade of oblivion in their venom. It's so easy to just give in. Allow their poison to run through her veins, burning and incinerating every memory of him. Turning him into ash.
Rey's heart drums painfully in her chest, throbbing in her ears and stifling her throat. Would it feel good to have this pain go away?
To be set free...
Could she really do it? Give in to the whispers and the promises they hold?
A shiver runs down her spine. Rey's eyes snap open.
There's a thin ray of light falling on Ben from one of the tall windows. It trembles and shimmers, illuminating part of his face and fading in the blackness of his hair. He looks frail under it. Melancholy and alone.
His eyes dart to hers, as if he's reading her thoughts. As if he's sensing the war raging inside her.
Shame floods her instantly, along with disappointment in herself at the thought that she would be willing to blame him for all that has happened between them. To wash her hands clean and forget it all. Forget him.
Rey takes in a deep, shuddering inhale and pushes the whispers away with renewed strength. No. She screams into the Force. She loves him. She will always love him.
It is beyond her powers.
Cheers and applause burst within the Grand Temple, and Rey has to blink as if coming out of a trance. They echo and bounce off the walls and reverberate in her chest. Ben has leaned in to set a kiss on the side of the woman's mouth.
The wedding ceremony is complete. The deed is done.
Rey blinks away the tears welling in her eyes.
She catches him glancing in her direction when he turns to descend the few steps in front of the altar with his wife's hand wrapped around the crook of his elbow. But Rey looks away. She no longer has rights to him.
The High Chancellor of the Republic and Governor to Coruscant, the fierce, passionate man she loves, and her cherished childhood friend - her Ben - will no longer belong to her. Because from this day forth he will belong to the woman standing next to him. The woman who will help seal peace in this galaxy.
He had told her so.
He had no choice.
"Do you wish to say goodbye to him?"
Luke's graveled voice pulls her away from her thoughts. Her Master has come to stand next to her, eerily discreet as always, and hidden under the hood of his beige cloak. Rey is leaning against the bark of a tree, watching Ben, his new wife at his side as they weave between their guests with a flute of champagne in their hands, chatting casually and smiling politely. The reception and dinner are well under way in this luxurious roof garden in the middle of Coruscant, a small haven of greenery amidst all the soaring buildings of metal and twinkling lights. The planet's large moon shines on the night horizon, a bright companion in her darkest moment.
"Have all the arrests been made?" she asks, taking a sip from her own glass of plain water. Better start getting used to the Jedi's austere ways once again. "There were barely any interruptions."
Luke chuckles heartily. Rey would have joined once, but not these days.
"We have discreetly helped with the arrests of five guests, trying to keep things quiet," he informs her. "They were all included in the list of names you gave to the authorities, but we have stumbled across a few more during our...searching. We'll be looking for them as well."
Rey smiles at that. Searching is Luke's term for invading a person's mind against their will. He has never been fond of that method, but he doesn't hesitate to use it when in need. Rey comes to realize, as she stands next to him, that her Master's ways have not been as pure as she once thought.
She can see it now.
The Darkness that spikes at the edges of his presence. But, he easily reigns it in and controls it. She had never noticed until now.
"Who will be protecting Ben?"
She can feel his bright blue gaze on her, probing her mind, as calmly as if he were caressing the top of her head in affection.
"Khol."
"Isn't he a bit young? He's barely a Knight."
"There's no need for a more experienced Jedi. Snoke's interests have shifted. But Nyxx and a few others will stay with him for the night," he offers casually. "Just in case."
Rey nods, feeling her throat constrict. She searches for Ben in the crowd in order to catch one last glimpse. One last brush against his mind. She thinks she spots him amidst the Chiss delegates - but it's hard to tell. Her eyes have misted over.
"Will you say goodbye to him?" Luke repeats.
But Rey can't do it. Because if she does, it will feel as if she will never set eyes on him again, and she needs to hope that she will. That life will allow them to cross paths once more. Deep down she knows it will never happen, but for now she needs to hold on to at least that. Hope.
"No," she whispers back, drinking in this very last image of Ben chuckling politely at an ambassador, but seeming extremely impatient. "I won't."
Luke sighs, imperceptibly. "Come on then, kid… It's time for us to go."
Rey nods and turns to follow Skywalker's silent steps on the grass.
It takes all she has not to look back.
He can't quite place what it is that bothers him so much. Ben sets one more flute of champagne on a waiter's tray that passes by, and loosens the collar of his shirt in irritation. There's a sinking feeling settled in the pit of his stomach for some time now, a sense of emptiness that has him on edge.
It's been practically impossible to break away from the guests and Hannah in order to search for Rey. He remembers spotting her along the treeline at the far end of the reception area not too long ago, but he hasn't been able to see her since.
He nods at the ambassador of Cantonica and smiles politely at his wife as he passes by the catering tables, heading for the spot he had last seen her. He has not exchanged a single word with her since this morning at the estate, and he knows she's not faring well. He felt the Darkness battling inside her at the Temple as if it were his own, and he needs to tell her that he understands. That he does not think less of her in any way. They are joined together, somehow, intertwined, as if she can find him at the end of a string. Ben can't wait to bury his nose in her neck, wrap his hands around her body and ravish her lips one last time. Force, he has been waiting for that moment all day. And nobody is stealing it away from him.
"Shouldn't you be entertaining your guests with your wife?"
An amused voice drifts to his ears from the dark trees.
Nyxx is leaning casually against the bark of a tree, picking at the dirt under his nails. Two more Jedi are sitting cross legged on the ground, one of them in meditation.
Ben's gaze roams the shadows behind the trees. "Aren't you supposed to be helping Skywalker with the arrests? If you're waiting for the cake to be served, it won't be until way past your bedtime."
Nyxx barks out a laughter and pushes himself off the tree to approach Ben. He pulls off the hood that covers his head, and stands before him with a strange glint in his green, charcoaled eyes. An uneasy feeling settles inside Ben at the way the Jedi regards him. It's almost in compassion.
He does not like it at all.
"Return to the reception, Ben," he says warily.
"Where's Skywalker?"
"He left."
"On his own? Why aren't you with him?"
"We'll be joining him soon."
Nyxx continues to eye him carefully, while the other two Jedi have gotten off the ground and are watching the interaction between them, seemingly nonchalant. Ben is not fooled. They are here for a reason.
He swallows tightly. But not because of fear. No. It's something else entirely. It's because of this void that is spreading within him, an absence that he cannot explain. He doesn't want to explain.
"Where's Rey?"
Nyxx stiffens at the question, his face turning somber.
"You don't need to concern yourself over Rey anymore."
Fear crawls up his spine. "Where's Rey, Nyxx?"
"Where she belongs."
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Has she left? Has Skywalker made her leave?"
"He hasn't pressured her into anything she didn't want to do. It was her choice."
"No. You're lying." He points a finger at him. "She said she would wait. She promised she would..." Fuck. Ben spins around, raking a hand through his hair. But he knows. Oh, he knows that what the Jedi is telling him is true. That Rey has left without saying goodbye. Something ugly unfurls inside him, stretching its black wings. He takes a step back.
"No."
The Jedi reaches for his arm. "Ben?"
But Nyxx's voice drifts from afar. Almost from another dimension. Ben feels power surge through his body, coiled dark energy that makes him want to soar to the sky and breath hell on earth.
"You son of a bitch!" He seethes suddenly at the man. "You convinced her to leave with your pious little lies and your hypocritical morality! What did you tell her?" He curls his fingers in the air, tightening them around an invisible hold.
Nyxx staggers a step back with a curse, clutching his neck. "Get a grip on yourself!" he croaks with what little voice remains, while the other two Jedi fall upon him tearing their friend away from his claws.
"What did you say to her?" He bellows at Nyxx, struggling to release himself from the men's grip. The Force tingles inside him, crackles and snaps in the air that surrounds him.
They shove him against the tree, breaking his concentration.
"You fucking idiot!" Nyxx roars in his face. He sets his forearm on his throat, pinning him to the tree. "I didn't say anything. It was her decision."
"No! She wouldn't…"
"It's too late. There is nothing you can do."
Ben growls in response, trying to break free from the men's grasp. One of the Jedi is hurled to the tree across, and he wraps the Force around the other. But Nyxx grabs him and shoves him violently against the tree once more. The back of his head hits against the rough surface, and his teeth rattle with the impact. His body forgets to breathe...
"Let her go!" Nyxx shouts at him.
But he cannot hear him over the buzzing of his ears, and the painful thudding in his chest. He writhes under the men's hold, and spit foams at the corners of his mouth as he desperately tries to shove the Jedi away. But Nyxx has a good hold on him, despite the signs of exertion beading on his temple.
Ben roars in the darkness. He roars until his throat is raw, and tears have streaked down his face, and there is no more breath left inside him. And Nyxx holds him firmly against the tree throughout it all, until his legs buckle under him and all he wants to do is crumble to the ground. Ben shuts his eyes, letting his head thump back on the tree.
All fight drains from his body.
He wants to sob at how familiar this scene feels, at how his friend is there to hold him together once again. But his body is too numb.
"Let her go, my friend," Nyxx pants. "I'll watch over her again. I promise…"
Ben shakes his head at the words. At the inconsequence of it all.
She is gone.
"Please, Ben… Just let her go."
Author's note: I think many of you guessed that this is where their current relationship would lead... They both chose to put duty above love. But let's be honest with ourselves. Did we believe Ben would just let her go? As much as he may have evolved as a character, and shown how much he loves her, could he at the very end of it all be able to let her go?
Some time jumps ahead. Be a little patient since I'm in the plotting phase. Hopefully, this story will be close to its end by TROS.
I treasure every word of your comments and return your love tenfold! Thank you!
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