Leia
We were all assembled back on Yavin IV for the glorious medal ceremony. It was designed to recognise the efforts of all of the comrades involved in the LIBERATION OF THE GALAXY AND DEFEAT OF THE FUCKING IMPERIALIST EMPIRE. Since we were all comrades, everyone had received a medal and Han, Chewie, Anakin, Luke and I were last in line waiting for our presentation. We were all wearing our Che Guevara shirts and for some absurd reason I was glad that Luke wasn't wearing a really ugly yellow jacket.
Force ghost Qui-Gon Jinn held out the red star medals with a golden hammer and sickle symbol engraved inside. His long hair was rippling gloriously in the breeze, which combined with his beard and his wise Soviet face to make him look very Marxist indeed. The medals were made of money we had REVOLUTIONARILY confiscated from the bourgeoisie and melted down. He delicately placed the first medal over my dad Anakin's lowered head and they did a celebratory Cossack dance. Then Chewie and Luke received their medals modestly whilst also nationalizing industry to keep the means of production in the hands of the working class. Han stepped up to receive his medal, his working class Correlian muscles rippling gracefully and I felt my heart beat a bit faster to the beat of The Red Flag by Billy Bragg.
"WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK WHY IS THIS CAPITALIST SHILL GETTING A MEDAL?" asked Anakin in a solemn shriek. The dignified tones of his enraged scream echoed with respect for the sombre nature of the occasion, while also commemorating the comrades who died in the struggle against the Empire.
"DAD HE SAVED LUKE'S LIFE HE IS A COMRADE OF THE FUCKING REVOLUTION NOW," I shouted quietly.
"I think it would be wise to trust the Correllian this time," said the force ghost of Obi Wan, placating Anakin who had started on a loud rant about "reading Marxist theory" and "shills trying to infiltrate the revolution". "He may be an important asset to the Revolution in the future," Obi Wan continued.
Qui-Gon made a socialist noise of annoyance and the medal ceremony continued with Han and I both being presented with our medals. Later, we wandered over to the viewing platform with the STEPS OF STALIN to gaze upon the natural beauty of Yavin IV. As our comrades sovietly cossack danced to celebrate the GLORIOUS VICTORY OF THE FUCKING REVOLUTION AND TRIUMPH OF THE PEOPLE I pulled Han aside.
"I think we should practice the socialist fraternal kiss," I said nervously to him in the voice of Chairman Mao. Han placed his working class rough hands on my face and we kissed deeply in a socialist fraternal way that was no different from any other kiss I might have given my comrades. After all, I did it as a sign of our comradeship definitely not because the sight of Han wearing his red star medal made my cheeks blush a socialist red.
TO BE CONTINUED IN EPISODE V: THE SHILL EMPIRE STRIKES BACK