Happy Thoughts
Part 2
"Want one?" Sam Seaborn asked, holding up a beer.
Josh walked into the office and nodded, taking the beer before sitting on Sam's couch. Everyone agreed that it had been a good day. Their polling numbers went up a solid 9 percentage points in the party and another 12 percentage points among undecided voters following the State of the Union address yesterday. He should be happy. It was a good day for the campaign.
So why couldn't he be happy? One word—Donna.
Things were weird between him and Donna ever since he kissed her two weeks ago. Their normal working rhythm was off. There was a certain amount of distance between them that had formed. At first, the day after, he thought he was simply being paranoid. But on the second day he realized he was right. She was shutting him out and he found himself doing the same thing to her.
He knew he was doing it as a way to shield himself from any potential heartbreak but he couldn't figure out her reasoning.
"So what's going on with you and Donna?" Sam asked.
"What do you mean?" He decided to try and feign ignorance. "Nothing is going on with us."
"Josh, come on."
He sighed heavily. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Fine." Sam nodded. "But you should know that the whole office is talking about it behind your back."
"Talking about what exactly?" The last thing he needed was the office making this whole situation worse than it already was. He didn't think there was anyone still in the office when he kissed Donna but it was a possibility that someone saw it and then spread that news out.
"You and Donna are acting weird. No one knows why but there are several theories flying around."
He was glad that no one had seen the kiss. But the fact that the office was talking about him and Donna didn't make him feel happy. He reached over and shut the door to Sam's office. "What I say to you never leaves this room."
"Alright." Sam nodded.
"I may or may not have kissed her a couple of weeks ago." Josh admitted.
"Yes, that was one of the theories out there." Sam commented.
"And it wasn't just a kiss. It was one of those kisses that change your whole life, one of those kisses that would have gone much, much farther if Leo hadn't called and wanted to see me in his office." He thought back to how he felt in that moment. If it wouldn't have gotten him fired he would have ignored Leo's demand and stayed in the office with Donna. But duty had called and he reluctantly left her in his office. When he came back, she had left for the night. Although he wanted to go after her, he was paralyzed by fear and went back to his place instead.
"I see." Sam sighed.
He looked at his friend's face, certain that he would see some kind of judgmental look or condemnation about breaching the boss/assistant relationship boundaries that existed. But he didn't see that. He saw a mixed look of concern and, if he wasn't mistaken, happiness on Sam's face.
"What's with that look?" He asked Sam.
"What look?"
"Don't feign ignorance." He condemned his friend. "You have a look on your face."
"Of course I do. I always have a look on my face." Sam chided. "Faces can't be devoid of a look. It's impossible. Can you be a little more specific about the type of look you think I have?"
"I don't know." He sighed. "It's just a look."
"Well I know it isn't any of my business and you have every right to get mad at me for saying this but I have to say it as your friend. What the hell is going on with you and Donna? No one in this office believes that you are simply boss and assistant to each other but you aren't together either. You kissed and you call it life-changing, but you aren't 's almost like you are in this twilight zone grey area."
"I know." He nodded.
"How long do you think you can exist in that grey area?" Sam asked.
"I don't know." He shook his head.
"Well what do you know?"
"Honestly? I'm not sure anymore." He sighed.
"That's not true." Sam countered. "Now you have a look on your face."
"Of course I have a look on my face. You just got done telling me it was impossible for a face not to have a look on it! Can you be a little more specific about the type of look you think I have?" Josh asked in a snappy tone.
"It's the look you always get when you know the answer to the question but you refuse to say it." Sam explained.
He couldn't argue with that because Sam was right. He did have an answer to the question but he didn't know if he wanted to voice it to anyone.
"Look, you don't have to say what's on your mind to me if you don't want. But just keep in mind I will listen if you ever want to talk."
He looked at Sam and knew that his friend was being sincere. He also knew that Sam wouldn't go around telling people his secrets. Maybe it would be better if he confided in his friend. "I haven't been sleeping well lately."
"That would explain your bad mood." Sam chuckled.
"I am not in a bad mood. I'm just…never mind." He started to argue but realized it was a moot point. There was nothing he could say to change people's minds about his mood. "I keep having these dreams. They are incredibly vivid and I don't know what to do with them."
"Are they bad dreams?"
"No—at least not all of them are bad." He shook his head, thinking back to the one he had last night.
"Donna?" He yelled, trying to get her attention since she was in the bathroom with the door closed. "What time is my first meeting today?"
The door opened and Donna appeared clad only in a white towel. "It's at 9:30 with the Commission for Veteran's Affairs."
He grinned and walked over to her, wrapping his arm around her waist. "What would I do without you keeping me on schedule?"
"You'd probably just get another assistant." She laughed.
"But they wouldn't be nearly as sexy or able to keep me in check as you are." He leaned down for a kiss.
"Of course not." She chuckled, wrapping her arms around his neck. "And they wouldn't love you nearly as much as I do."
"Do you think we have enough time for me to take that towel off, throw you on the bed and have my way with you?" He asked, grinning at her.
She laughed heartily. "I think I can clear about 30 minutes from your schedule for that."
"That's not nearly enough time." He told her.
"Then I guess it's a good thing we have forever to be together." She smirked.
"A very good thing." He agreed. "No matter what I've done in my life, I know I've made at least two really good decisions."
"Oh yeah?"
"The first was hiring you."
"What was the second?" She asked.
"Asking you to marry me."
Most of his dreams were about living in some kind of domestically blissful life with Donna. Those dreams were good of course but also caught him off-guard. Unfortunately not all of his dreams were like that.
"Josh this isn't working out." Donna sighed, sitting on the couch.
He wished he could object and tell her she was wrong. He wished he could snap his fingers and make her happy. But the reality was their relationship just wasn't working out. They were too different and she wanted things from him that he wasn't able to give her. The past year had shown him that. He sat down on the couch next to her.
"I know." He admitted softly.
"We need to break up." She whispered.
"I know."
"And you need to find a new assistant."
At that comment, his head whipped over to look at her. "What do you mean? Donna, are you quitting?"
"I am." She nodded. "I can't stay here now that we aren't together."
"You can't leave me." He practically pleaded. There was no way he could do this job without her. It was going to be hard enough to not be in a relationship with her anymore. If he couldn't even have her as a work colleague, he wasn't sure what he would do.
"I'm sorry. I just can't stay." She apologized, leaning in to kiss him on the cheek. "I'll stay for two weeks while you hire someone else. But then I'm gone."
He watched as she walked out of the office, realizing that his life was about to get a whole lot worse without her.
"Now this is just a guess but are the dreams about Donna?" Sam asked, pulling Josh from his thoughts.
"How did you know?" He chuckled.
"Lucky guess." Sam shrugged.
"The truth is I like her and I'm afraid of that." He hated admitting it out-loud but had to at this point.
"Why?"
"Why am I afraid?" Josh chuckled, getting up and starting to pace around in front of Sam's desk. "Donna's more than just an assistant to me. She's my right hand. Most of the time she knows what I want before I even know. She knows how to handle me. She gets me. I can't do this job and be what I am without her. But if I…if we get together and it doesn't work…she might leave. And I can't handle that."
"Josh, you can't worry about what might happen…"
"What if she hates me now after what happened and I've already ruined things between us?" He interrupted his friend.
"Wait a minute. Have you two talked about what happened yet?"
"No." He shook his head.
"Why not?"
"Well when I came back from Leo's office she wasn't there and then the next day it just never came up. Why?"
"You have to have the talk about what happened within a certain amount of time. You can't leave it hanging out there unresolved." Sam explained.
"It's too late to have the talk now." Josh reasoned. "Maybe I should just wait for things to go back to normal."
"That's called burying your head in the sand and it won't work."
He looked over at his friend and sighed. He didn't have a good argument against Sam's comment.
"You have to be honest with Donna about your feelings. I can't guarantee anything, but you aren't doing either of you any favors by ignoring what happened."
"What if she leaves?" He asked quietly.
"You can't make someone stay." Sam answered. "And she might leave tomorrow. She might leave five years from now or ten years from now. Or she might stay forever. That's the thing though…no one knows what the future holds. All you can do is live your life to the fullest, and that includes telling Donna about your feelings."
"I'll think about it." He grumbled, taking the beer with him and heading back to his own office. He walked back to his office, hoping to see Donna at her desk. Her desk was empty though. He wondered briefly if she was in his office but was disappointed when entering his office and finding that empty as well.
He sat on the couch, feeling slightly defeated. Donna's words rang through his head about recognizing the good parts of life. He called it rubbish at first, primarily because he didn't believe in self-help doctrines. Usually self-help books were made by idiots who just wanted to make money off of people by sprouting good advice and passing it off as some kind of ancient wisdom that would solve all of their problems. But he grew to like the exercise and had been doing it a lot lately. It gave him a moment to sit back, relax and think of happy thoughts. The thing at the top of the list was always Donna.
He laid back and closed his eyes, thinking about her. The dreams he was having were wreaking havoc on his life, making him simultaneously wanting to and not wanting to dream about her. Truthfully over the past few years he had thought about her in a romantic way at various times. But it was usually a fleeting thing—more of a what if situation than anything he took too seriously. He always played it off as nothing more than an easy flirtation.
Then he got her that watch for Christmas. It was pure luck that he heard her talking to Margaret about her watch breaking. While Donna always gave him a list of what she wanted for Christmas, he had never once bought her anything. And he wasn't even sure what possessed him to look at watches while Christmas shopping for his mother.
Once he saw the watch he knew it had to belong to Donna. He could see it hanging on her wrist and imagined her thinking about him every time she looked at it for the time. That was the moment he realized he was in trouble. That was the moment he realized he had feelings for her.
The dreams didn't start until after he gave the present to Donna and saw the look of pure adoration she held for the gift. She truly loved the watch and he couldn't help but wonder if she would or even could look at him with that much fervor.
It was surprising to him that he relaxed quickly but it shouldn't have been that surprising to him. He let his whole body relax completely and was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't hear anyone come into his office.
"Oh sorry." Donna said. "I didn't mean to interrupt."
He opened his eyes to see Donna standing by his desk with some folders in her hands. "It's fine."
"I just came in to leave the research you'll need for your meeting tomorrow." She explained, placing the folders on the desk.
"Thank you." He smiled. "You caught me doing the exercise you taught me."
"Yeah, looks like it." She nodded before starting towards the door.
"Donna."
"Yes?" She stopped and turned to face him.
"Do you have a moment to sit and talk?" He motioned to the couch seat next to him and noticed that she looked like she was trying to come up with a reason to say no. "Please?"
"Alright." She came and sat down next to him. "Actually there is something I'd like to talk to you about."
"Me too." He said, wondering if they were both going to bring up the same topic. "How about ladies first?"
"Ok." She paused for a moment. "I will be putting in my two weeks' notice tomorrow."
He was stunned and was certain he had to have heard that wrong. "I'm sorry, what?"
"I have gotten another job offer and I'm taking it."
He stared at her, trying to make sure that this wasn't a joke. But her face told him she was serious. She was really planning on quitting. This was a nightmare. It had to be a nightmare. There was no way she would actually leave this job or him. Right?
"I'll help you find someone else and help train them on everything they need to know. I'll try to make the transition as easy as possible."
"Why?" That was the only thing he could say at the moment.
"Because I assumed you would want me to help with finding my replacement." She explained.
"No. I mean why are you leaving? What job could be better than this?"
"Program Director of the Children's Literacy Group." Donna answered.
"What does that job have that this job doesn't?"
"Better money, better title, better work/life balance…do I need to go on?"
"You can't leave, Donna." He couldn't wrap his mind around this.
"I didn't realize I signed an indentured servitude document when I came to work here." She chuckled. "I can quit if I want."
"Is this because of what happened with us?" There was no way to ask it without being blunt.
"Is that what you think? You think I would let something that happened with a guy determine my life plans?"
"It's not such a stretch. You did it before-twice." As soon as he said that and referred to her ex, he knew he had lost the battle. The look on her face had turned to stone and she stood up.
"I told you tonight as a courtesy so you wouldn't get blindsided tomorrow when everyone else finds out. Now that I have done that, I'm going home. Goodnight Josh."
Before he could apologize or do anything, she was gone. He wanted to run after her but wasn't sure what good it would do. Bringing up her ex was a low blow and she had every reason to be angry with him. He was angry with himself.
Sam was right. He had to be honest with Donna. But first he had to be honest with himself.