Happy Thoughts

Part 3

Donna sat on her couch, her feet curled up underneath her and an almost empty pint of ice cream in her hand. Tonight had gone about as well as she expected while telling Josh about her new job. She knew that he would be upset and lash out. The comment about her letting a guy determine her life again was a low blow though.

She expected better from him. Although she was mad, she couldn't be too angry with him. She knew that her leaving was a shock. He didn't like change and probably didn't relish the idea of having to train someone new. He also wasn't too far from the truth. In a way she was letting a guy dictate her life plans, just not the way he meant.

The job she was taking was a good one. It had been offered to her almost three weeks ago and back then she dismissed it immediately, the same way she dismissed every job offer that came her way.

Then there was the night of the kiss.

That kiss was amazing. There were times late at night where she wondered what kissing Josh would be like. The real thing was much better than her imagination. After he left for Leo's office she realized that no matter what happened, they couldn't go back to the way they were before. Everything was going to change.

She wasn't sure what to expect the next morning with Josh. She wasn't even sure what she wanted to happen. But she did figure they would talk about the kiss. He might even say that it was a mistake and it shouldn't happen again.

Instead, he ignored it. He acted like nothing had happened and it was a normal day. At first she thought he was just waiting until they had a moment alone, but as the day went on she began to think he wasn't going to mention it at all. She became angry and started ignoring his attempts to engage in witty conversation with her.

Soon after they just stopped speaking to each other unless it was necessary. That's when she decided to take a closer look at the job offer.

It was definitely more money and more responsibility. It was a good cause and she could really make a difference in the lives of countless kids. But it didn't have her friends and it didn't have Josh.

The last thing she wanted to do was become the kind of woman that pined after a man who clearly didn't want her. That's what she felt she would become if she stayed. That's why she felt she needed to leave.

Still…a part of her wished for a different outcome.

Getting off the couch, she headed to her kitchen. She reached into her refrigerator and pulled out a water bottle. Just as she was about to open it, there was a knock on her door. Looking at the clock she saw that it was 11pm. She put the water on the counter, sighed and walked to the door, not surprised to find Josh on the other side. He was the only person that would come to her door this late. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here because we aren't done with this discussion." He replied.

"I wasn't aware that it was a discussion." She pointed out. "I thought it was more of a heads up done as a curtesy."

"And I thought of it more like a discussion that is open to negotiation."

"It isn't." She shook her head.

"Everything in life is open to negotiation."

"Not this." She shook her head.

"I know I was out of line with the comment I made. I'm sorry." He apologized. "I didn't handle this well. In fact I haven't handled a lot of things well."

"That's an understatement." She rolled her eyes. It did mean a lot that he was apologizing. That wasn't something he did often. Normally he would just laugh it all off.

"Can I come in?"

She wasn't sure she should let him in. She was pretty sure that if she let him in, he would find a way to get her not to quit.

"Please?" He added.

She took a long look at him and saw something uncommon in his eyes. Panic. He might actually be afraid of losing her. But was he afraid of losing her at work or in general? Curiosity got the better of her and she stood off to the side.

"I'm only letting you in because I don't want to have this conversation in the hallway." It was a lie and she was certain he knew that. They stood in the entryway of her apartment and she crossed her arms over her chest. "So?"

"Donna, I know things between us are weird right now but you can't just go and take the first job that comes along like this. I mean…"

"It isn't the first job." She interrupted him, seeing the look of confusion on his face.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I get a couple of different job offers every month."

"You've never said anything about that before." He pointed out.

"Why should I?" She questioned. "I wasn't planning on taking those jobs so it didn't seem relevant."

"But you are planning on taking this job." He stated.

"Yes." She nodded.

"Why?" He asked. "Why this job? Why right now?"

"Why not right now?" She countered. "It's a good job with more money and an office. It's more of a career and I would get to help out with childhood literacy. It's a good cause."

"But don't you love being number 2 in the ranking of assistants behind Margaret? You practically run the assistants in the bullpen."

"I'll have new people to boss around as a program director." She pointed out.

"What about your patriotic duty?"

"I can still be a patriot without working for the White House."

"You really want to leave the president while he is running for re-election? He needs you."

His rapid fire questions were beginning to get on her nerves. She wasn't naïve enough to believe he was actually speaking about the president at this point. It was thinly veiled. "The president will be just fine. He doesn't need me as much as you think he does."

"You really want to leave your friends?" He asked.

"I'll still be friends with everyone if I take a different job. And I might even make some new friends. Josh, we could go around and around about this but it won't change…"

"Alright, you really want to leave me?" He asked, pulling out the big question. "After everything that we have been though? You really want to leave me?"

She was quiet for a moment. He was right. They had been through a lot together. No matter what label she put on it, she couldn't deny that he was more than just a boss to her. He always had been and he always will be.

But after they kissed, he ignored it. He ignored her.

That kiss had stirred something up in her that she had been trying to squash for a long time. If she was being honest, she didn't want to pretend anymore. It was exhausting to pretend that she didn't have feelings for him and she was exhausted from the fight. But he didn't seem to have that problem, which was why she needed to leave. A new, fresh start would be best for them. He would be fine. She would make sure her replacement was capable and willing to put up with the many moods of Josh Lyman. Everything would be fine. She had to keep reminding herself of that.

"I need an answer to this because it's important." He demanded. "We have been through a lot. Hell, you practically moved in when I was recovering from being shot."

She remembered that time well. She would split her day between the White House and checking on Josh, making sure he wasn't being hassled with work. And then after work she would cook his dinner and keep him company. There were a couple of times she accidentally fell asleep on his couch with her head on his shoulder while they were watching movies or talking.

"Well someone needed to make sure you weren't overdoing things and that the rest of the White House wasn't enabling you by letting you work. If I had left it up to you, you would have just moved into your office and recovered there. "

"Yeah." He chuckled. "I probably would have. But honestly, I don't think I would have made it without you."

"I'm not the one who took the bullet out or stitched you back together." She objected.

"In a way you kind of did."

She knew what he was doing. He was playing on her sentimental side to get her to try and stay. But she couldn't let him. She had to stay strong about this.

"Josh, you don't really need me as much as you think you do." She scoffed. "Anyone can be your assistant."

"No, they really can't." He shook his head. "Because you are so much more than an assistant. You're my right hand. You know me. You understand me. We can communicate with just a glance and know what the other is thinking. I can't do my job without you."

"That's insane." She chuckled.

"It's the truth."

"Well I'm sure after a while you will have the same level of comfortability with your new assistant. It will just take some time."

"Donna, I'm running out of ways to tell you that I need you. And it's not just at work. I need you in my life."

"We'll still be friends." She pointed out. "I'll still be in your life."

"That's not good enough for me." He crossed his arms over his chest.

"Well what do you want from me?" She was starting to get frustrated by this conversation. She knew Josh wouldn't take her leaving well but she never expected he would put up this kind of a fight about it. "Do you want me to pinky swear we will always be friends? Maybe I could sign your yearbook with some obscure, generic quote about how time will never…"

"Donna will you just shut up for one minute?" He started to yell. "I'm trying to tell you that I don't want to just be friends. I have feelings for you-real feelings."

She was surprised that he yelled, but his message left her gob smacked. "Wh-what?"

"I have feelings for you." He repeated, uncrossing his arms and softening his tone. "Feelings that are romantic. When I kissed you, I didn't want it to stop. I never wanted to stop kissing you and I've been replaying that kiss in my mind on a loop ever since."

"Josh…"

"Let me finish." He interrupted. "I have had feelings for you for a while now. I just haven't wanted to say anything because I didn't want to chance losing you. But now you're leaving so I guess I have nothing left to lose by telling you. And I realize that I should have told you all of this right after we kissed but I didn't know how."

She stared at him, trying to decipher what he was saying. He looked sincere, contrite and nervous. All three things were un-like him. She wanted so badly to believe him and believe in him.

"Are you going to say anything?" He finally asked, breaking the spell.

She looked down at the floor and then at him. "I'm not sure what to say."

He grinned. "You could start by saying that you feel the same way. Or at least tell me how you do feel about me."

There was that grin again—that damn grin of his that made her want to do whatever he asked. She took a deep breath, finally realizing what she needed to say to him. "You want the truth?"

"Yes." He nodded. "I want nothing but the truth. Be brutal with the truth. Hit me with it."

"Alright." She nodded, taking a deep breath. "If you want to know how I feel about you, I will tell you. I think you are the most infuriating man I have ever met."

"Uh…"

She watched as he started to squirm but continued with her rant. "I mean it. You have this gift of being able to make me angrier than anyone I've ever known. It's actually almost impressive. There are times I just want to shove you into a meat locker and leave you there to freeze. I wouldn't do it of course but sometimes imagining that makes me feels better."

"I think I have miscalculated this situation." He said quietly.

She saw him slowly inching his way to her door and beat him to it, standing in front of the door to block his exit. "You asked for brutal honesty."

"Yeah but that was before I knew you pretty much hated me." He complained with a heavy sigh. "Donna, will you move please?"

"No." She shook her head. "I'm not letting you leave yet."

"Why not?"

She could tell by the tone of his voice that he was starting to get annoyed. That was fine with her. "I'm not done talking yet."

"Fine." He sighed again. "Go on."

"You are always one of, if not the smartest man in any room. You certainly know it and you make sure everyone else does too. You use it to your advantage and try to show others your intelligence by throwing out some random quote or fact you think others won't know. You're cocky, arrogant and you act like a ten year old boy sometimes. Your walk is…well it's more like a strut, like you are trying to let everyone know by the way you move that you are the man."

"Out of curiosity, how long are you planning on roasting me?" He asked, looking very uncomfortable at this point.

"As long as I want." She answered with a smirk. "There are so many things you are simply hopeless about…computers, relationships, picking a decent baseball team to root for…"

"Alright. That's enough." He shook his head. "I can't take this anymore, especially if you are going to drag the Mets into it."

"I'm actually almost done. I just have one more thing to say." She informed him.

"Fine." He shrugged, staring at the floor. "Just say it so I can leave."

"Ok." She nodded. He was looking defeated at this time and she realized she was in danger of taking this thing too far. It was time to course correct. "The last thing I was going to say is that you care about the people around you. You want to make a difference in both the lives of strangers and the people in your life you care about. If I'm ever in trouble and can only have one person help me, I would choose you no matter what the situation was because I know you would move Heaven and Earth to make it alright."

She saw his head pop up and he looked at her quizzically but she just kept going. "Even when you are annoying me and I want to throw you in that meat locker, I still come back because there's something special about you. You inspire others to be greater than they were. You inspire me to be greater."

"What are you saying?" He asked cautiously.

"I'm saying that I have real feelings for you too."

"Really?" He grinned.

"Really." She smiled back. They stood there for a moment as they stared at each other, both seemingly paralyzed by uncertainty. She finally had enough and closed the gap between them, wrapping her arms around his neck. He put his arms around her waist and pulled her closer to him.

"So…" He whispered.

"Yeah." She whispered back.

"You really had me going there." He scoffed. "I thought…well I thought you despised me."

"I couldn't help messing with you a little." She admitted.

"Are you still going to quit?"

"We can talk about that later." She told him.

"Are we really going to…"

"Just shut up and kiss me before I find a meat locker to throw you into." She chuckled.

"I can do that." He grinned.