Happy Thoughts
Chapter 10
It was now Monday morning—four days since Donna broke up with him. He was officially miserable. He had stayed in the office for the majority of the weekend because being at his place was torture. Everything reminded him of Donna—every plate reminded him of meals she made and every seat reminded him of when they could sit together and watch TV. Sleeping in his bed just reminded him of the nights he spent there with Donna.
Then there was that damn trash bag.
The bag that Donna had filled with the stuff from her apartment was still sitting next to his door. He couldn't bring himself to move it from where he tossed it when he arrived back at his place, yet alone open it and take everything out. It seemed too final of an action. Maybe that was also why he hadn't taken the time to get her stuff together from his place. Her stuff was still in his bathroom, cluttering the counters. Her clothes were still in their drawers. She had even left a couple of books behind—books that he knew she wasn't done reading yet.
Yes, everywhere he looked at his place he saw ghosts of her.
The office wasn't much better. Although her personal belongings weren't strewn across his office like at home, he still had tons of memories that haunted him. After all, this was where they worked together for years and kissed for the first time.
He thought about calling her a million times. He even picked up the phone and started to dial a few times. But he always chickened out. She was pretty clear about breaking up. While he didn't like it and he didn't agree with her reasoning, he had to respect her choices.
He turned around in his chair to look out the window, thinking back to the conversation he had with his mother yesterday.
When his cell rang, he debated whether or not to answer it. He was in his office on the couch, trying out Donna's visualization exercise. He thought that maybe if he tried to think of moments with her where he was happier, he might not be as miserable for a moment.
Unfortunately it wasn't working as well as he would have liked. So with a heavy sigh, he opened his eyes and answered the phone.
"It's Josh." He greeted.
"You sound terrible."
He couldn't help but chuckle. Of course his mother would recognize the anguish in his tone. "Hello mother."
"Is this a bad time?"
"No." He lied. "It's fine. What's up?"
"I just called to check on you." She told him. "Why do you sound so miserable?"
"I'm just tired." He hated to lie but the last thing he wanted was to receive a lecture for letting his relationship with Donna end.
"Did you let Donna slip away?"
"How did you…I mean…" He stumbled around for the right words. "Donna and I aren't together anymore." He realized that he couldn't keep it from her.
"I thought so. Your voice has that whiny, poor me tone that you get when you feel everything in your life is going wrong."
"Without Donna it kind of is." He pointed out. "And I don't get that kind of voice." It was then that he heard the whininess and groaned. She was right.
"What happened with Donna?" His mother asked.
He had to admit that he was grateful she wasn't lecturing him right now. Her tone was more of a soft, inquisitive kind of thing that was devoid of judgement. He only hoped that it lasted after he told her everything.
"You know Donna and I have been on opposite sides of a work thing, right?"
"Yes." She replied. "Please tell me you didn't let work come between you."
He wasn't sure how to answer that and took an extra moment to think. "I don't think it was work that separated us—at least not that issue. She…well Donna feels like I don't take her seriously. She feels like I don't treat her like she is my equal. But that's crazy. I love her so it's crazy." His mother was silent. "Right?"
"Joshua…" His mother sighed. "I love you dearly and I'm not saying this to hurt you. In fact, it is the opposite. You have a lot of good qualities and I am very proud of the man you have become. But you do have a tendency to get tunnel-vision, especially when you are in the middle of something—like this re-election campaign. Let me ask you this. I know you weren't happy when Donna took the job and left the White House. Did you ever tell her congratulations or do anything special for her to celebrate? Like take her to dinner?"
He thought about it and realized he hadn't. Never once did he say good job or congratulations to her for getting a different job. In fact, all he did was give her grief about leaving him. With a heavy sigh he had to reply, "No."
"When you think about Donna, what are the first three words that come to your mind?"
"Smart, beautiful and funny." He rattled off the adjectives without a moment's hesitation.
"Son, I have heard you talk about Donna for years now and I have known about your feelings for her since the first time you mentioned her. It's always been clear to me that you are proud of her."
"Of course I am!" He exclaimed. "She has learned so much since she started working for me and I am proud of what she did at this other job."
"Did you ever say anything like that to her?"
"No." He shook his head. "I didn't."
"That could be partly why she doesn't think you respect her and why she thinks you marginalized her."
He was about to agree when he realized something. "Wait. I never said anything about marginalizing her."
"I know. Please don't be mad but I spoke to Donna earlier today. I was thinking about surprising you by coming up for a visit but I wanted to check with her to make sure you would be in town. After a lot of prompting she filled me in on everything."
He couldn't be mad at his mother. If anything he was jealous that she was able to talk to Donna and he couldn't. "I'm not mad."
"Good." She paused. "She's really hurt."
"I know." He whispered. He was starting to see where Donna was coming from. She was his biggest cheerleader and he always knew that she had faith in him. It was one of the things that allowed him the ability to have no fear and take no prisoners with this job. It also made him feel like he was walking on air.
But he didn't do the same thing to her. He made this amendment issue all about him, not taking into account that she needed someone to believe in her. She needed him to believe in her. He really let her down. No wonder she was so hurt.
"So what are you going to do about it?" His mother asked.
"I don't know yet." He admitted. "I'm not even sure there is anything I can do."
"She still cares about you." His mother pointed out. "I don't think your journey together is over."
He shook himself from those thoughts and swirled his chair back around. He needed to get back to work.
"Have you heard the news?" Sam asked, coming into his office without any kind of knocking. That wouldn't have happened if Donna was still here. She would have made sure that people didn't disturb him.
"What news?" He sighed, looking up at his friend. "Can you be more specific?"
"The First Lady has fired her Chief of Staff and hired a new one." Sam explained.
"Ok. That's great because her last Chief of Staff was an idiot and I hated dealing with him." He shrugged. "So what?"
"You don't know." Sam chuckled. "I just assumed that you of all people would know…"
"Know what?" He asked, starting to get annoyed.
"Did you know that Donna is the First Lady's new Chief of Staff?" Toby asked as he appeared in the doorway.
"What?" That couldn't be right. "Toby, what are you talking about?"
"I was just getting ready to tell him." Sam said, turning to fact Toby. "He didn't know yet."
"Well it wouldn't have stayed a surprise for much longer." Toby asserted. "CJ is about to announce it in her morning press briefing."
"Can you both just back up?" He scoffed. "Donna got a job as Chief of Staff for Mrs. Bartlet?"
"Yes." Toby replied. "Today is her first day."
"Wow." He was impressed. "How did you find this out?"
Sam was the first one to speak up. "I ran into her when I came in this morning and she told me about it."
"Can we all agree that we don't need to haze her?" Toby asked. "I know that we normally haze new people on their first day, but she hasn't been gone long enough to be hazed. I think we can all agree to that, right?"
"Right." He said. The last thing he wanted to do was something that would make her even angrier with him.
"I've got something I need to take care of, but I'll see you all at Senior Staff in five minutes." Toby said, rushing off.
"So how are you doing?" Sam asked once they were alone.
"I'm fine." He lied, pushing some papers around on his desk. While he had let the group know that his relationship with Donna ended, Sam was the only one he trusted with the whole story. "How did she seem to you?"
"Nervous."
He could only imagine how nervous she must be today. He wondered if he should go say hello to her.
"You should go see her." Sam suggested, almost as if reading his mind. "It might help."
"Or make things worse." He sighed.
"Josh…"
"I'll think about it." Now that he knew that Donna was working in this building again, it was all he would be thinking about.
He stood outside her door, contemplating if he really should knock or not. He had been standing there for almost five minutes, unable to bring himself to knock. Finally realizing it was ridiculous not to do it, he knocked on the door.
"Come in!" Came her muffled reply.
He took a deep breath and opened the door. She was standing in front of her desk looking at a paper with her back to him. He waited a moment before speaking. "Nice office."
She turned around, looking surprised to see him. "Thanks." Her response took a moment.
"Congratulations on the job." He smiled. "You deserve something like this."
"Thank you." She said, looking wary.
He hated that he couldn't give her a compliment that he truly meant without her being hesitant about his sincerity. "Truly, I think the First Lady made a good choice."
He took this opportunity to take a close look at Donna. She looked great, except her eyes looked sad. He hated being the reason for that.
"Thanks Josh." She said, walking over to the other side of her desk and sitting down. "Is there something I can help you with?"
He also hated that they weren't able to engage in small talk. She now just wanted to get down to business. The truth was he didn't have any business to discuss with her. He just wanted to be around her for a moment, tell her congratulations on the job and maybe start to repair the false belief she had about him being unsupportive.
"Not really." He shrugged. "I just wanted to say hi."
The past few days had set a record for the longest they had gone without talking to each other. The previous record was eighteen hours. Technically it was longer than that during the time she left to go back to Dr. Freeride, but he liked to pretend that never happened. So a few days felt like a lifetime to him. He had a lot of other things to say than just hi but he wasn't sure she would want to hear it.
"Hi." She said softly. "I don't want to be rude, but I have a lot to catch up on since it's my first day. So if there's nothing else…"
"Of course." He nodded, trying not to feel bad about being blown off. "I'll let you get back to it. If you need anything, just let me know."
"Ok. Thanks."
He took one more look at her, flashing a smile before leaving.
Once he was on the other side of her closed door, he pulled out his phone. He still had the florist he used for his mother's birthday in his contact list. It was time to show Donna that he did support her and he did want to be her cheerleader. Sending her flowers to celebrate her first day on the job sounded like a nice gesture and a good start.