II.

Sometimes Poe didn't know why he stayed.

It had been almost two months since the Battle of Exegol. A long, exhausting, terrifying, and confusing two months. The initial exhilaration of defeating the First Order had quickly settled into the constant need to clean up one mess after another across the galaxy. Akiva had been the biggest one yet, a world that had rebelled against the sympathetic governor only to come up against fierce First Order fighting. They'd called for help, and it had taken over two weeks to win back the capital and force the First Order and its puppet government out.

At first, he and Finn had fought together, setting aside their personal problems for the greater good, and it had been like nothing had come between them. Then the battle had taken a turn for the worse, and Finn had been shot, laid up in bed and furious at being sidelined, and they'd fallen right back into their new habit of squabbling over everything. Poe hated it and yet couldn't stop it. Something hadn't been right since Exegol.

Though they'd returned less than thirty-six hours ago, Finn was already heading back with reinforcements to relieve Company 77 and hold onto their small victory. Poe was both glad to be alone, and yet missing him terribly, like he did every time Finn went off on his own.

"Finn's gone," said Rey, announcing her presence with a harsh glare. "You didn't say goodbye."

Poe glanced up and tried not to sigh. She was clearly spoiling for a fight, the second one in as many days, and both about Finn. He didn't need to fight with Rey, he did plenty of that with Finn. What he needed was a friend to help him figure it out, why so much of his hurt and pain traced back to their biggest victory.

"He can take care of himself," Poe said instead, and went back to the three data pads he was shuffling between as he tried to catch up on everything he'd missed during the crisis on Akiva.

"He's still limping," she said. "I remember when you went on all your missions together—"

"Can't do that anymore," Poe interrupted. "Co-generals and all that." And stars, he missed being with Finn, out on the Falcon together, running undercover missions for the Resistance, blowing the bad guys out of the sky. Leading things on the ground was overwhelming—he didn't know what he was doing half the time— and flying with Black Squadron wasn't the same without Snap. Akiva had almost been like old times until it wasn't, and Poe missed Finn more than anything.

Rey continued as if he hadn't spoken. "—and a time when you said goodbye when you didn't go out together, wished each other luck, waited for one another to return."

"Well, times have changed," Poe replied. "The war is won, and yet somehow there's even more work to do."

"That doesn't mean you stop caring about your friends!"

Poe glanced up in surprise from a report on fuel supplies for their ships. "You think that's it? Why things are like this? Because I don't care?" It was as far from the truth as possible; sometimes he cared so much he thought he might explode from it, from keeping his feelings hidden and locked away because he couldn't let them show or everything would only be worse.

"I don't," she said, her voice softening. "I saw you at his bedside on Akiva. But it sure looks like it to everyone else. To Finn."

"To Finn." Poe rubbed his hands over his face. "Look, I'm sorry you keep getting caught in the middle of this and trying to sort it out. But there's nothing you can do about it. It is what it is."

"I don't think you even know what it is," Rey told him, sounding exasperated. She was frustrated with him, and he felt his own irritation grow in return. Sometimes she was so much like the little sister he'd never had that he loved her for it: someone to talk to, to laugh with, to challenge in the cockpit. Other times she pushed all his buttons and drove him mad, and he was glad he'd never had a sister after all.

"Rey," he started, but she cut him off.

"You need to talk to him. You might think you're presenting a united front as leaders of the former Resistance, but everyone here knows that's not the case. You don't talk, you don't laugh, you don't even look at each other." She paused. "At least when the other one is looking. I see the secret looks you give him."

"I don't give him secret looks," Poe protested. "This isn't some sordid holo-drama, you know."

"No, it's real life. And real life is messy, so clean it up."

He stared at her in surprise; this was brazen and forward, even for her. And she was right, it was a mess, but he didn't know what to do about it.

"I don't know how," he finally confessed, sitting back with a sigh and avoiding her eyes. He hated admitting failure, but maybe if he did she would leave it alone. "And it's probably too late."

"It's never too late," she said. She pulled up a chair and sat close to Poe, laying a hand on his arm. "Poe, I know you're scared, and I know what you're scared of."

"More Jedi mind tricks?" he asked skeptically. "Because I don't even know what I'm scared of most days. Everything." And it was true, he was scared every day: of the next mission, the next planet they brought into their new alliance, of losing more friends, more allies. Failure. Success. Everything.

"You're scared of Finn," she stated, sounding so sure of herself. Poe snorted.

"I'm not scared of Finn," he said. "He's a stuffed bantha compared to you."

"Thanks," she said. "I think. You're scared of losing him, Poe. As soon as you can see that and maybe even tell him that, I think you could both move on."

Poe leaned forward, confused. "Okay, first of all, you're right. I don't want to lose Finn. I don't want to lose anyone. I've…we've all lost enough people. But move on from what? To what?"

She looked at him like an exasperated sister again, literally pinching the bridge of her nose. "Poe, when someone is afraid of something, like swimming, what do they do?"

"Avoid it. Don't jump in the water."

"Exactly!" She said, then waited for him to make the connection, slapping him on the knee when he didn't. "Poe Dameron, you're constantly avoiding Finn because you're afraid of losing him."

"I don't avoid you," Poe pointed out, scrambling to find footing as she chipped away at his defenses. "I don't want to lose you, or BB-8, or Jess, or anyone else here."

"So what's different about Finn?" she asked, sitting back and crossing her arms over her chest. "Tell me."

"What do you mean, what's different?" She was trying to make him say it, he could feel it. Of course, Finn was different. Finn was special.

"What is it about Finn that makes you even more scared of losing him? So scared that you avoid him, and then snap at him, holding up your hurt and anger like a shield to keep him at a distance?" She looked pleased with herself at that last, like she'd had some deep insight, and Poe hated that she was right.

"I don't hold up my anger as a shield," he protested, even though that's exactly what he did. "Sometimes he just makes me mad!" Which was also true, but he was definitely not going to talk to her about that, or why.

"And you make him mad, it's mutual. You can't be mad at him forever," she said. "I know he didn't tell you about the Force, and he said something terrible to you after I left Kef Bir. He apologized, Poe. Why can't you both move on?"

"It's complicated," he said, his voice quiet. He was not usually one to hold on to old grudges and hurts, but this thing with Finn had cut deep. Finn hadn't trusted him enough to tell him anything about his Force sensitivity, when Poe thought they shared everything. And even worse, he'd pointed out the one flaw Poe saw in the mirror every day: he wasn't Leia. Was that why Finn hadn't told him, because he wasn't good enough? As a leader, as a man, as a friend? Both thoughts had eroded at his confidence ever since, and Poe hated that. He was confident by nature, and a bad word didn't usually take him down. But this had been Finn, and Poe wanted to be worthy of such a good man.

"How? What's different with Finn?"

"We need him," Poe said, starting slowly as he tried to find the right words, words that wouldn't give himself away. He had the feeling she was leading him somewhere, that she knew what he refused to admit. "He can do things no one else can, things I could never do. He doesn't think so, but he's a natural leader, people will listen to him, follow him. And now, with this…this other thing," he said, waving his hand in the air around Rey, trying to convey Finn's Force powers without actually saying it. "Now he could be even more, and that's not someone we can afford to lose."

Rey was silent, nodded, then spoke. "That is a load of vworkka shit," she said. For someone who rarely cursed, it made a strong statement, riling up Poe's defenses even more.

"It's the truth, and you know it!" he exclaimed. "The Resistance needs him!"

"You need him," Rey snapped. "That's what you're not saying, what you won't admit. What you're so afraid of! You need him."

Poe stared at her, his jaw clenched in anger. She was right, but he would never admit it, because it didn't matter if he needed Finn or wanted him or even loved him more than anyone he'd ever known. Finn didn't feel the same, because Poe wasn't good enough. And one day, he would lose Finn; it was inevitable in the life they led. Poe couldn't think about that day, so it was easier to avoid it all.

"You know what I don't need?" he asked, standing up and gathering his data pads. "I don't need you telling me how I feel. In case you didn't notice, I'm trying to lead us out of a rebellion into the real world. I have no idea what I'm doing most days. I didn't sign up for this part of the job. I signed up to fly and to fight!"

"And that's why you keep running off, isn't it?" she said, standing and following him right through the mouth of the cave. "You fly to avoid your feelings!"

They were outside now, and several people turned to look at their heated argument. "You're not one to talk about feelings, you know," he hissed, a finger in her face. "Yours are just as messed up as the rest of us." He regretted it as soon as he said it, like he was a big brother bullying his sister.

She recoiled and glared at him, but he watched as the anger literally flowed away, replaced by calm understanding. Stars, he wished he could do that. Let it go. Move on. Accept.

"I faced my fears," she said softly. "And I continue to face them every day. I don't run from them."

"Not anymore." Poe couldn't resist. What was wrong with him? First he alienated Finn, now Rey? Was this what he'd become, flinging his pain and insecurity at the people he cared about?

"This isn't about me," Rey said, still infuriatingly calm. "This is about you and Finn."

"There is no me and Finn!" Poe exclaimed, and laid down the truth of it for her, hoping she'd stop. "We can barely be in the same room together. He hates that I go out on missions, and I hate that he goes out, and it's not like either one of us will ever admit why. We missed our chance, Rey. I've accepted that, why can't you?"

He turned and walked away, determined to do exactly what she said: hop in his X-wing and fly, put it all from his mind as he soared through the skies and up to the stars. And when Finn came back, the same terrible silence would hang between them, until Poe went on his next mission, and then Finn on his. They'd missed their chance.

"Because you love him," she called out. "I know you do, Poe, and not like you love others. He's different. Finn is special."

And with those words, she broke him. His shoulders sagged. His heart clenched within him hearing those words from someone else, words he never let himself think let alone feel. He glanced around the area and moved closer, lowering his voice.

"Finn is the best man I know. But it doesn't matter how I feel," he said. "Because he doesn't feel the same. It is what it is now. So just leave it alone, because you're making it worse, Rey. You're making me feel even worse." His voice cracked at the end, and he hated how his emotions betrayed him in that moment, hated the look on her face of both surprise and pity as she reached out and pulled him into an embrace.

"I'm sorry," she whispered into his ear as he clung to her, unable to resist the comfort of her arms. "I don't mean to make it worse. I want to help." He nodded into her hair before pulling away, trying to regain his composure.

"I know. You care about him, don't want to see him hurt," he started, and she shook her head.

"No, I care about you both, Poe. I don't want to see either of you hurting, I want to see you happy, and together. The way you're meant to be."

Poe let his eyes slip closed, his heart soaring and breaking at the very idea. Only the thought of somehow moving past all the hurtful words of the past two months was overwhelming, impossible. It could never happen, never would. He kissed her on the cheek and stepped back.

"Thank you for trying, but it's not like that, not anymore." They'd missed their chance, more than once. The search for Exegol had been difficult and placed obstacles in their way that they'd never got over, things that had festered and grown too hard to overcome. It was better to move on.

"I'm going to go check on some supplies," Poe said, making up an excuse to get away. No one needed to know he was going to check on supplies from the cockpit of his ship on the other side of the planet. "I'll see you at dinner?" He turned to leave, felt her glaring at his back.

"This isn't over, Poe Dameron," she called, and he sighed, waved his hand over his shoulder at her, and kept walking toward his ship. He didn't want her to see the tears in his eyes, because it had been over for a while between him and Finn, and he'd give anything to get it back.

Author's Note:

Ouch. Sometimes I write stuff that hurts to write. And it's looking like Poe Dameron is going to be one of those characters who carries the brunt of it. Probably about as rough as it gets, though. I hope I managed to get to the root of some of his feelings and actions in TROS. Thank you for reading!