Tell me why

Cody tells Joanna why he signed up to go to Viet Nam

Joanna and Cody were walking along the beach hand and hand. It was a beautiful day on Redondo beach in California. The winds were light, the seagulls gently soaring and the waves rolling in a steady meditative whooshing in and out.

They slowly moved together toward the boardwalk and found their favourite bench to look over the ocean. They sat beside each other, holding hands, thighs touching, just being...

"Cody, why did you go to Viet Nam?"

Cody turned to look at Joanna, his blue eyes full of pain. Joanna looking at him and sensing that she had shifted the mood by asking the question said, " You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

Cody looked at her steadily then shook his head slightly and sighed. "You know what Jo? I think you deserve an answer to that question. If we are going to have a future together, I guess you need to know how messed up I have been in the past. I have been trying to figure out a way to talk to you about a few things but the time never seemed to be right."

"We all have had things happen, things that we wish didn't happen or decisions that we wished we didn't make . I love you and I know the parts of you that you are willing to share. You're right though, I need to know more. I need to know more about the past so that we can build a future together."

Cody sighs again.

"OK, here it goes. You know about Janet. "

" I know she broke your heart."

"It was more than that. She reinforced everything that I thought about myself at that time, that I was somehow unworthy. Unworthy of her love. Unworthy of my father's love as well. It seemed to bring it all to a head."

"Cody...", Joanna says with sadness.

"No don't say anything please just let me get this all out. OK?"

"OK."

"I really didn't know how to handle Janet leaving me. It hurt, it was an all consuming hurt. You also have to remember I was 19 at the time. I think when you are 19 everything is happening for the first time and you don't know how to help yourself. I tried to fix the hurt by drinking/partying...you know the big pretend to everyone around me of being OK and of course I don't miss her. I also think I was trying to punish myself, I wasn't worthy so why take care of myself. Then about two weeks later, I found out that one of my best friends in high school was killed in 'Nam. "

"I really didn't know what to do. I was very lost and alone. I knew I wanted to do something though."

"So I joined the army. I thought that if I could take a bullet in Viet Nam, it might serve some purpose. If I served my county with some sort of distinction, surely I would be worthy. Surely my life would mean something then. Janet and my father both would have to be proud of me. Maybe if I was some big hero Janet would see that she made a mistake and come back to me or if I died she would feel guilty. But how do you make your life mean something by taking the lives of others?"

"Then one of the best things that ever happened in my life happened over there. I met Nick. He instinctively understood me and he saw me and what I was doing over there. And he still wanted to be around me. He trusted me with his life. He is one of the most alive persons I have ever met. He bitches, complains, but he is truly alive. There were bullets flying all around us and I don't even remember what it was now, but we found something funny and started to laugh. Through all the death and destruction; I realized that maybe being alive wasn't such a bad thing. Maybe I wanted to be alive too. Maybe my life did mean something. I seemed to mean something to Nick. I seemed to mean something to the rest of my unit."

"'Nam taught me to really see what I needed to be, well not whole exactly because I don't think after 'Nam I will ever be whole again, but I figured out how to be...content with who I am. I figured out what I needed to be content, not money, not flashy things, but I needed one true friend and the ocean. I realized that I liked people and wanted to help them. I realized that I was good at figuring things out and people seemed to respond to me."

"People ask me if I regret going to 'Nam, and my answer is no, 'Nam made me who I am today and for the most part, I like that person. I like my life. I like my life even more with you in it. "