III.

Sometimes Finn wondered why he came back.

Every time he returned from a mission, he looked around the landing area. Sometimes Rey was there, or Rose. Occasionally, BB8 was waiting and beeped sadly, or C3-PO welcomed him back with a dozen annoying questions. Once he'd been met by the med team; that had not been a good welcome at all. But the one person he wanted to see was never there anymore. Poe hadn't even said goodbye this time.

To be fair, Finn hadn't said goodbye either, he'd just grabbed some new gear, a new crew, and took off. He'd left Jannah and Company 77 on Akiva with the promise of returning immediately with reinforcements, and he didn't break his promises. They had done more than their share of fighting over the last two months and wanted to go back to Kef Bir. Jannah had made plans to see Lando Calrissian, something about finding their families, so Finn had said he'd drop her off on Pasaana. He stayed on the ship and said his goodbyes, anxious to leave, even if it meant seeing Poe.

The mission to Akiva had started out well enough between them, but had gone to hell so fast they'd fallen back into their old pattern of fighting constantly with one another the moment Finn woke up after being shot in the leg. He was tired of it (both getting shot and fighting with Poe) and had jumped at the chance to go back to Akiva alone, even with a sore leg. Now he had returned, his head somewhat clearer, but as much as he'd hoped (and feared) Poe might be there, only Rey waited off to the side. She hugged him hard, then pulled back with a frown.

"What's wrong?" she asked. "Did something happen?"

"What? No," he said, belatedly remembering how easy it was for her to sense things now, like other people's feelings. He needed to learn how to bottle them up a lot better around her or she'd know everything and never stop bothering him. "I'm fine."

"No, you're not," she said, tilting her head to the side as if listening. She sighed. "He's not here," she said. Damn, she was good. "He left yesterday for some sort of meeting on Coruscant. Apparently, a small group of Centrists is interested in talking to us."

"What?" he asked again. "No! He can't go there alone, it's too dangerous! Wait, what are you doing here? Why didn't you go with him?"

She made a face, clearly unhappy to be left behind. "He took Jess and a few others. And he left me in charge." She accompanied it with an eye roll, and he couldn't help but grin at her disgruntled attitude.

"Congratulations, Rey-In-Charge." She didn't have a title, which was probably a massive oversight on all their parts, yet she functioned so independently most of the time, it seemed unnecessary. She was Rey Skywalker, the last of the Jedi. Everyone knew who she was and what she could do.

"Yes, well I'm turning over the in-charge part to you now, General," she said. "I barely survived two days of it."

"You survived the Emperor, Rey," he laughed. "You can survive the bureaucracy."

"I don't know, it's pretty brutal." She laughed with him, then stopped and studied him. "I think he would have come, if he was here."

"I doubt it," Finn said, trying not to let his disappointment show, but knowing it did. "You know how it is now."

"Yes, I know how it is," she murmured, then eyed him sideways as they made their way to the small command center. "I hope you're not going to start yelling at me instead."

"I would never do that!" Finn exclaimed. "He deserves it, you don't."

"I'm sure there are times I do," she said with another smile. "And I think maybe he wouldn't, this time."

"Why, did he get a brain transplant?" Finn realized how ridiculous that sounded and shook his head, apologizing. "I'm sorry, that was out of line. Was he okay when he left?" Even for all their disagreements, Finn still worried about the other man, still cared. Poe had fought hard at Akiva, and leaving for Coruscant so soon after returning had to be exhausting. He knew; he was still recovering from his own injury.

"He was fine," she said with a shrug. "He didn't get shot in the leg. We might have talked once or twice."

"Rey." Finn sighed. "I don't need you fighting my battles for me, or trying to fix my problems."

"Actually, I think you do," she said. "You should talk to him, Finn. I think he might be ready. You seemed so close to figuring it out, before Akiva."

"Well, he's not here, is he?" Finn pointed out. "He up and left without a word." Finn hated feeling bitter about it, but he did. Every time he thought about it. When had they stopped communicating so completely? Why?

"So did you," Rey pointed out. "You've both drifted away, but you can fix it. I know you can."

Finn pinched the bridge of his nose. "I appreciate your concern, Rey, and your help. I really do, but it's all right. It is what it is."

"You didn't say that when you left the First Order, when you crashed on Jakku," she told him, and she sounded sad. "You've never said that about anything, you've always done what's right, what you believe. Why do you accept how it is with Poe when it's not right?"

There was no good answer but the truth. "Because I don't know what to do about it," he admitted. "I don't know why we're like this instead of how we used to be…" He trailed off with a sigh, because he did know. "I miss him," he admitted, and hoped she didn't see the sudden wetness in his eyes.

"Then talk to him!" she exclaimed. "Finn, it's keeping secrets that's come between you. You were upset to learn about his past, which is no big deal, by the way, and he was hurt that you didn't tell him about being Force-sensitive. Stop keeping secrets, Finn. Trust each other again."

"It's more than that, Rey," he said. "It's complicated." He hated himself for it, for whatever had gone wrong between them. Because it was his fault, wasn't it? He kept secrets he shouldn't have kept, said things he shouldn't have said, held things against his best friend that a best friend shouldn't even care about let alone continue to be upset about. And he wasn't upset, he really wasn't, and yet so much still hung between them.

Finn knew Poe hadn't kept his past from him on purpose, that it simply hadn't come up over the busy months they'd spent fighting the First Order together. He wished Poe had told him, had felt comfortable sharing that part of his life, but he also knew that he couldn't fault Poe for not saying anything when he'd kept his own Force powers a secret. He certainly couldn't condemn Poe for a smuggler's history when he'd grown up as a Stormtrooper in the First Order. Yet it had rattled him, unexpectedly seeing another side of someone he'd looked up to as perfect. And more than that, it had only increased the self-doubt he carried since the day he'd defected: what could he, an ex-Stormtrooper, possibly offer Poe Dameron and the Resistance?

Sure, he'd told them how to destroy Starkiller base, flown with the speeders on Crait, led some tactical missions; he could shoot and fight and maybe one day he could do more with the Force. So he had his training, but he had literally no other life experience whatsoever: no family, no dodgy background, no colorful stories to tell. He couldn't even dress himself for a formal party. Poe's past only emphasized Finn's own lack of history, and he often felt like something was missing in his life, something that he needed to be a real person, a true leader. To be worthy of the trust people placed in him, when there was so much he didn't know.

It was his own insecurity as much as anything else that had caused him to lash out at Poe on Kef Bir. He regretted those four words more than anything he'd ever said to anyone in his life, because he still saw the devastated look on Poe's face, when he closed his eyes at night and flashes of the war kept him awake. He'd been so worried about Rey, so confused by what he was feeling through the Force, so scared of what they might face once they found the Wayfinder and the Sith fleet. He'd thrown Poe's past and all his mistakes—and the ugly truth Finn hated to admit, Poe's lack of Force-sensitivity—at him for no reason other than to hurt him. He wasn't Leia Organa Solo, but he was Poe Dameron: their best pilot, one of their strongest agents and fighters, and the only one of them capable of leading the Resistance. He had led them to victory, and Finn would follow him anywhere. Who said such a thing to their best friend?

It was spiteful, and weak, and immature, and Finn hated himself for it. Deep down, he knew Poe was the best man he'd met, and that Poe didn't care whether Finn had heard the same stories growing up, or ate the same foods as him, or listened to any music whatsoever. Poe had accepted Finn's past with sympathy and curiosity, never judgement. Yet Finn sometimes felt like so much less, when Poe was larger than life, and he feared that one day the other man would realize it.

Bad enough to worry about losing his friends and loved ones to injury and battle. Finn worried he would lose Poe when Poe knew who he really was: no big deal after all. No one. Combined with the guilt of hurting someone he loved with such painful words, Finn suspected it was better this way. He couldn't lose what he never had.

"How?" Rey demanded, jerking him out of his thoughts. "How is it complicated?"

"I kept things from him, said things that were wrong, and cruel."

"Then apologize," she said, and he snapped back, losing patience.

"I have! It doesn't change anything. It still happened. I still feel terrible about it every time I see him, and I don't know howto stop feeling terrible about it." Finn sighed, the anger deflating. "And there's still some secrets I can't tell him. Not anymore."

"What, that you love him?" Rey demanded, and he stopped and stared at her, wide-eyed and sputtering.

"What are you talking about? I'm not in love with—it's not like that—we're friends, best friends, Rey." And then he stopped and shook his head. "Or we were. We'll certainly never be anything else."

"You could be," she said. "Finn, you care about him, and he cares about you. I know he does. He's just as hurt and confused as you. Maybe…" She narrowed her eyes. "Yes, that's it. You need to get away from all this, together, put the Resistance aside for a week or two. Focus on what really matters."

"We don't matter," Finn told her. "Two people, lost and broken among billions? This is what matters." He motioned around them at the base. "Finishing the First Order and rebuilding what we fought to save."

"And then what?" she asked. "You stop the First Order, then wander the galaxy alone, wondering what to do next? Don't you want something more now that it's over?"

He thought about it. Yes, he did, but what? He'd been raised to fight for the First Order, and even after leaving it, he'd continued to fight. What did someone like him do when the fighting was over? "Sometimes I barely know who I am, Rey. I don't know what I want, I don't even know what there is. But I don't think it has to do with Poe. We missed our chance."

Her eyes widened. "That's exactly what he said!" She stomped her foot on the ground in frustration. "You are both difficult, stupid men!"

"And maybe you're a nosey busy-body," Finn pointed out, crossing his arms over his chest. "Now I'm going to change the topic since we're done with this one. What did I miss while I was gone?"

"I have no idea," she replied, that stubborn edge to her voice he knew well. "I was too busy being nosey to pay attention."

Finn laughed in spite of the tension. "Fine, let's go catch up."

They entered the small command area to find Commander D'acy, Lieutenant Connix, and several others standing tense and silent in front of a holo-projection. It was Jessika Pava, and she looked beat up and rattled.

Which meant something bad happened, because it took a lot to rattle a Black Squadron pilot.

"…it's been four hours, and they've pulled a dozen survivors out of the rubble so far," she was saying.

Finn's stomach dropped. Survivors and rubble did not sound good. "What happened?" he demanded. "Where's Poe?"

Rey's hand was on his arm, whether to offer support or take it for herself, he didn't know. Connix turned around, her face pale.

"There was an explosion on Coruscant," she said. "The building where Poe was meeting the sympathizers was destroyed."

"It was a set-up," Jess said, her face angry. "It had to be."

"No," Finn breathed. "Where is he? Is he all right?"

"They haven't found him," Connix replied.

"But we will," Jessika said fiercely. "I'll turn over every rock myself. Knowing him, he's sitting in some pocket of air playing games with his droid."

Finn turned to D'acy. "I need to go to Coruscant."

"Finn, you just got back!" Rey exclaimed. "There's nothing you can do, we need you here."

"It's not safe here, General," said Pava. "You could be targeted as well."

"I need to do something, to help!" Finn felt like he'd been punched in the gut. The thought of never seeing Poe again after all the things they'd said—and not said—was a physical pain that left his heart racing with fear.

"We'll find him, Finn," said Jessika. "Because you two cannot leave things like you did. I'm bringing him back and you're working it out."

Finn stared at her, then turned to Rey. "What, I didn't talk to her!" she exclaimed. "But she's right. Let her get back to the search. We'll be here when you bring him back, Jess."

"Keep us updated, Captain," said Commander D'acy. "And take care of yourself. We don't need to lose anyone else."

Jess nodded and signed off, and the long wait began.

Author's Note:

I hope that fleshes out Finn's side of things. I found it much harder to understand what was going on in his head. In particular, his words to Poe about not being Leia were so hurtful I'm still not sure where they came from. The explosion at the end was inspired by another idea I want to write someday. The final chapter will be posted this weekend. Thank you for reading!