Location: SSV Normandy SR-1

We were currently en route to the Sol System. Alliance Command called us about a Rogue VI which had taken over Luna Base and was slaughtering Alliance Marines like sheep. Obviously I told Joker to change course from the Citadel to Luna.

Whilst we were travelling I took a page out of the Quarian Captain's book and I visited each member of my crew individually. The Normandy was a small vessel so there were only 27 people serving excluding the combat crew. I spoke with the Ensigns outside the cockpit and I got to know a little about why they joined the Alliance and their motivation behind the mission.

I spoke to people who worked in the CIC and my XO for the first time. Quite a few of them didn't agree with my allowing aliens onto the ship. Most of them were generational marines, so they had family who fought and died in the First Contact War. I had to reassure them that this was still an Alliance ship and that they could be trusted.

To be honest, that was only fair considering that they each have earned my trust, in combat at least. The jury was still out on Dr T'Soni but she was proving herself to be a decent fighter. They have all matched my determination and dedication to this mission, they've followed every suicidal order I have given and they've come out of it alive. My ground team is definitely filled with the best the galaxy has to offer. Anything less would mean we'd end up dead.

I had finished my round and it only took me an hour and a bit. That left me now with my ground team to talk to. I'll talk to Alenko, see what he's up to.

~o~o~o~o~o~

I walked into the cockpit, hoping to hang out with Joker for a little bit before we get back to Earth. Nate was on a mission and he was talking to everyone on the ship. He told them that if they had any concerns that they should come to him and he'd try to sort it out. At least he's trying to build bridges with the crew, rather than keep up his ice queen routine.

When I walked in I felt a happy aura in the cockpit and Joker greeted me with a smile.

"What's got you in such a good mood?"

"When Commander Anderson was here a couple of minutes ago. He gave me 50 credits."

"What for?"

"I made a bet with him that the Council would be complete dicks and I was right."

"Share some of the love Joker"

"No way, get your own Commander that makes stupid bets for big money."

"50 creds is big money?"

"Do you have any idea how little an Alliance helmsman's pay is. Even one as amazing as I am."

"Clearly too much considering you almost let us fry on Therum."

"I deserve a medal for what I did on Therum. Preferably gold to silver. The Commander should recommend me for pulling all your asses out of that fire."

"If he recommended you for a medal, you'd have ended up sitting on a stage listening to politicians make speeches for a couple hours." I smirked

"That's a good point. They'd probably make me shave too. I spent the last seven weeks working on this baby. No medal's worth that."

I enjoyed the banter I had with Joker. Everything I say seemed to bounce off of him and he could turn it into a joke. It's pretty ironic that he got the nickname because he never smiled.

I started flicking through the video feed around the Normandy. Jeff and I joked about recording everything and going to Citadel Broadcasting System (CBS) with a new reality show 'Life on the Normandy'. On tonight's episode, Kaidan and Nate had exited the showers after hitting the gym.

"Spying on your man-candy again, Rylee. You do realise you have Adonis on crutches sitting right beside you," Joker grouched.

"Yeah Adonis, there's nothing a girl finds sexier than a man whose bones you could break with a little light over the clothes action." I countered.

"Always have to pull the Vrolik Syndrome card don't you. It's all you got."

"It's all I need" I scoffed.

My eyes were drawn to Nate. And then his eyes- they were deep but uninviting, a vivid green as a great body of water that softly melted into a milky chocolate. A prominent jaw curved gracefully around and the strength of his neck showed in the twining cords of muscle that shaped his entire body; strong arms, bold thighs and calves, a firm chest and abdomen. He had distinct cheekbones and to add to his redbone skin which made him look devilishly handsome.

Kaidan: I'm glad there aren't many aliens like the Thorian. I don't think my stomach could take it. One of my cousins has an agribusiness. I was thinking of calling him. Maybe get a few shipments into Feros. I mean, now that they're cut off from the company.

Nate: They are going to need every bit of help they can get. It's a damn miracle that they even lasted until we showed up

Kaidan: Do you have some time to talk now, Commander?

Nate: Let's hear it, Lieutenant. I'm always open to my officers.

Kaidan: We've played it pretty close to the book so far. But we're a long way from backup. We've got some tough calls to make. I'm just saying…try to leave yourself a way out. I've seen what cutting corners can do to someone. And I'd hate to have that happen to you, Nathan. Commander.

Nate: Nathan? Is that an appropriate way to address your Commander, Lieutenant.

Kaidan: I was speaking to you as a friend, Commander. Not as my CO

Nate: My friends call me Nate, Kaidan.

Kaidan: I'm not questioning any decision you've made, Nate. Let me be clear about that. It's just my experience that once someone lets something slide, it tends to pick up speed. You get my meaning?

Nate: You're talking about a particular example, aren't you?

Kaidan: You know the records about the biotic training out on Jump Zero? They're all classified. Because the Alliance made mistakes. After first contact, Conatix was set up to track element zero exposures and develop implants for humans. Once we had an embassy on the Citadel, Conatix could bring in "experts" instead of taking it slow.

Nate: Why couldn't we do it alone?: Is there some reason we couldn't learn it on our own?

Kaidan: They didn't know where to start. Hell, it took a couple years to even link biotics and eezo. Forget trying to get the kids to move stuff. They had trouble just helping them not break their own limbs. And their choice of teachers didn't help much.

Nate: The only experts would have to be aliens

Kaidan: Dead on. Turians, actually. That's why Conatix kept it secret. They were afraid of what people back home would think. Asking the turians for help when we'd just fought a war with them.

Nate: The asari would have been more acceptable than the turians.

Kaidan: Yes, but the company didn't go through the Citadel. It would have made Earth look weak. So they discreetly hired some turian mercenaries.

Nate: Get your knuckles rapped a few times, Lieutenant?

Kaidan: Yeah, you could say that. Our instructor was a turian by the name of Commander Vyrnnus. To introduce himself, he liked to say, "I was at the helm of the dreadnaught that killed your father." I told him my dad wasn't in the war. He'd retired to Vancouver. My family had an inland home that matured to new beachfront. Vyrnnus had it in for me after that. He cut corners, pushed hard. I mean, you either came out a superman or a wreck. And a lot of kids snapped. A few died. The point of all this – I guess – is that when you cut corners, it's not always obvious who pays for it.

Nate: Am I supposed to talk you down now or something? Because I'm not so good at therapy.

Kaidan: I'm thirty-two, Nate. You don't serve as long as I have without coming to terms with yourself. You also learn that if you care about someone, you help them. Try to keep them from making mistakes

Nate: I hear you Kaidan, but you don't need to worry about me. I'll do whatever it takes to do the right thing. And right now doing the right thing means stopping Saren.

Kaidan: Aye, aye sir

Nate: Make sure you're ready. You're a part of the ground team when we reach Luna.

~o~o~o~o~o~

"So, we've got Saren on the run," Wrex stated

"It's only a matter of time before I get my hands on him. Saren may be good, but I'm better" I bragged.

"Good, he's rotten. To the core. I could tell as soon as I met him."

"You didn't think to tell me this earlier?"

"I would have if I thought it was important."

"That's for me to decide, Wrex. Anything even remotely connected to this mission, I need to know."

"This was a while ago, a bunch of mercs were bragging about a job, out near the edge of the Terminus system. They said it paid really well, and the boss was never around to ride them. They said he was looking for more men too, so I checked it out."

"So Saren was openly recruiting mercs."

"It wasn't that open. And he only showed his face once. We'd been raiding ships in the area for months until we took out this massive cargo freighter. Our biggest haul yet. I was on board checking bodies for valuables. Looking for some extra credits. That's when I saw him."

"What did he want with the ship?"

"I don't know what he wanted, he was just moving through the ship… watching… couple of the mercs called him by name but he never spoke to them. Never spoke to anyone—I had a really bad feeling about him. So I got the hell out, didn't even wait to get paid."

"What was on the ship? What did Saren want?"

"I don't know, all I saw on that ship was food and medical supplies. There were some basic weapons but nothing big. If there was anything of value on that ship, I didn't see it. That's why I didn't mention it sooner."

"Who's ship was it."

"It was a Volus trading vessel, big one, lots of guards. But they were no match for us."

"That's the only time you ever saw him."

"Yeah, didn't even know who he was, still wouldn't if I hadn't joined with you. But my instincts were right, every other merc on that mission turned up dead within a week. Every damn one."

I got the sense that he didn't want to talk anymore so I said my goodbyes to the Krogan. Wrex and I had a good relationship; I gave him his space and in return he didn't cause trouble on the ship. There was also how well we worked together in combat, I was totally in sync with him and it was nice to have someone with me when I charge into the heart of the battlefield.

I spoke to Garrus in great detail about the perks of being a SPECTRE and working above the law, over working with C-Sec. Garrus was obviously angry and bitter about how he left. I think he might have some unfinished business but he's not ready to tell me and I'll respect that.

Tali was feeling homesick after being away from the migrant fleet for so long and she was finding it too quiet to sleep. However, she assured me that it was something she'd get used to and it made her all the more determined to stop Saren and complete her pilgrimage. What surprised me most about her was just how good a fighter she was and she was only 20. She's a good kid, if I can aid her in her pilgrimage then I'll do it.

The next stop was Ashley, I'm guessing she's off duty so she'll probably be in her quarters on the Crew Deck. After a brief chat with my requisition officer I was able to procure more upgrades for my weapons and I ordered the new omni-tools Tali and Kaidan were asking for.

When I arrived, she was underneath her duvet and I could hear voices. She's probably talking to someone or she's watching a vid.

"-Oh, before I go. You said you're serving with Commander Anderson now? We saw him on the news here. He's cute. Later sis." Ashley's sister sang.

She smiled whilst shaking her head, that was before catching a glimpse of my shadow looming over her. She turned around slowly and upon making eye contact she immediately closed her eyes.

"I'm going to wake up and this is going to be a bad dream," she smiled hopefully. "Please tell me you didn't hear that."

"I'm guessing that's your sister."

"Until I get home and kill her. That's Sarah. The youngest."

"Your family seems important to you"

"Yeah, we've always been close. Me and my sisters, especially. With dad on duty so much, I had to help mom raise them."

She explained about how her father was an underappreciated soldier and how her mother gave up everything to raise her and her sisters. Sometimes I wonder if my parents cared about me, or if they even missed me. They could be dead or even worse, they could have been the ones who sold me.

She told me a story about her sister getting a boyfriend who was sexually aggressive and wanted to do the deed. She kicked his ass and he apologised for his behaviour. I guess it's easy to take down little boys rather than fully grown men and women who want to…

My eyes shot open and my body tensed. No Nate stop going back there. What is going on? I had all of this locked away in my mind. I forced myself to forget what happened so why am I still thinking about it. It never happened dammit.

I ran out of her quarters and staggered to mine, completely ignoring any crew members that may have seen me. I locked the door and slid down the wall.

Akuze, Torfan, the damn aliens… none of it.

Stop! No more burning flesh. No more hitting. No more yelling. No more abuse! SSSTTTOOOPPPP!

Strapped to the desk/ Smell of some unknown drug thickens the air/Almost impossible to breathe. I'm choking/ Salarian woman hovers above me/ Needle in her hands with some liquid dripping/ I begin to struggle against the restraints, desperate to break free/ I can't/ Their too tight/ I can't move/ I can't breathe/ NOOOOOOO!

No more going back to that place DAMMIT! Forget the smells, the taste, the sounds the bars closing, the labour, the rape. The surge of electricity running through my body. The drugs flooding my system.

Screaming. Shaking. Flailing. Sweating. Crying. Hurting. Cutting. Bleeding. Choking. Coughing. Vomitting. Burning. Branding. Convulsing. Electrocuting. Drowning. SSSTTTOOOOPPPPP!

I said a rushed goodbye and I made a beeline for Dr T'Soni. What the hell did the Doctor do to me? It's all flooding back and I can't control it anymore.

~o~o~o~o~o~

I rushed into her office, barging past Rylee and Dr Chakwas in the med-bay. When the door opened Liara was at her desk sitting down. When I stormed in she was smiling. That smile quickly vanished when I grabbed her by the shoulders and forced her into the wall and held her there.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!? ANSWER ME NOW!" I commanded.

Rylee and Dr Chakwas ran in after me and Rylee tried to separate us. "Nate calm down and drop her"

"Not until she explains what the fuck she did to me!" I bellowed.

"Dr Chakwas lock the door and stay in the med-bay." Rylee instructed. The doctor nodded at Shepard and left the room quietly,

"Nate put her down, calm down so we can talk this through."

As she said this, more images of my past started to flash in my mind. I began jerking and flinching, my eyes started twitching and I dropped her to the ground. My hands found themselves on my skull, digging into my skin as I screamed. "GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"

I did not work this hard getting past all of this only to have it start fucking with me now!

Rylee and Liara both knelt by my side. Neither of them touched me but they both looked concerned. The doctor seemed less shocked at what she was seeing. I looked at my hands to see the feint shimmer of biotic energy radiating off of them.

Could she have seen it during the melding?

"I am sorry Commander, I think melding with me may have caused this. I must confess that I'm not that experienced," Liara apologised.

"If that's the case, then it's never happening again," I stated.

"Nate we have to find the other half of that beacon. Once we do we are going to need Liara to meld with you again," Rylee reasoned.

"What are you looking at?" I threatened the asari. The more she looked at me, the more suspicious I grew. She knows something and she will tell me.

She remained silent and opted to stare at the ground instead of answering my question. "I am going to ask you again Doctor. And if you don't answer me then you'd better get your ass off of my damn ship ASAP. What did you do to me?" I snarled.

She ran her hands over her head tendrils. "When I was in your mind I discovered that you were supressing the beacon vision. Probably as a means of protecting yourself from those horrific images. So I had to venture into your repressed memories," she explained.

"You saw everything didn't you" I didn't pose a question, I just stated a fact.

"Not everything. But what I saw was… unsettling."

Rylee was standing in between us, she probably thought that she was protecting Liara from me.

"I saw what happened on Akuze."

Upon mentioning Akuze images of Toombs and Rivera popped into my head.

"Then you know how I survived."

"You were fortunate to evade the thresher maws. However, you are remarkably driven to have been able to survive in the wilderness."

Akuze is the primary reason I train my biotics to their peak and always make sure I have the latest amp fitted. It's also the main reason I developed the biotic tether. If I knew it back then, maybe Rivera would be alive today.

But I need to be sure that's all she knows.

"What else did you see?"

She gulped, then her mouth hung open, almost as if the words failed just short of the air. She has to know that the more time that passes without her answering my question, the angrier I become.

"I saw… the Ardat-Yakshi and what happened with the batarians in your childho-"

I interrupted her by again forcing her into the wall. "WHAT WERE YOU DOING LOOKING AROUND MY MIND!? HUH!"

"Nate calm down."

I refused to calm down and I could feel my biotics flaring. The anger in me wouldn't subside. Not after what this blue bitch has just done to me. Why would she snoop around my memories. All of that is in the past where it belongs. The nightmares were starting to stop, or at least they weren't happening every night. Focusing on my military life has helped considerably; it gave me something to do that required my full attention.

And now, she's opened the flood gates and I can't get them back in check.

No Nate! You know that you need her to stop Saren. Killing her serves no purpose and doing it could mean that Saren wins.

Who cares. You're anger is all you need to sustain you. Kill her now. End your suffering.

Nate don't do it. You can't let the galaxy burn because of your anger. Let her go and walk away.

She brought it all back. You buried it deep down inside you. She shoved it right back in your face

Saren is too dangerous to give him an edge

Kill her. Snap her neck. It'll be so easy.

Do the right thing here Nate.

Do what feels right

You know what to do.

I dropped the doctor on the ground. Saren is too big of a threat for me to give him any sort of edge. I can't leave her anywhere else, in case Saren comes after her again.

"Stay the hell away from me." I snarled before stomping out of the room.