Sleep is getting better but it's still not relaxing. Damn these nightmares that won't go away. This time it was my memory of fighting in an arena. I had to fight other slaves for food and sleep. If you lost, you slept outside, if you lost you could potentially get killed if the wrong person bets on you.
I lost my first fight in the arena and a slaver who bet on me tried to shoot me… one of the grown-ups took the bullet for me and died. I would have died if my… master didn't kill him first.
I forced myself out of the bed so I wouldn't risk going back to sleep and falling into the recesses of my mind. I went over to my sink and splashed my face with cold water and looked myself in the mirror. I could feel a hole in my chest that nothing could possibly fill, I grabbed my chest just trying to feel something. I gripped my chest so hard that I started to break my own skin. But the void was still there. I could feel my essence being drawn into the into the void. I need to plug this whole with something. I can't lose myself to the despair now.
"It's alright Nathan… I'm going to be fine," a warm female voice assured.
I looked back at the mirror and saw Liara standing behind me. "I'm here for you Nathan. No matter what happened to you Nathan, I'll always care about you."
I shut my eyes with all the force I could muster, and when I finally reopened them, she was gone.
Dammit I'm starting to hallucinate!
I need to get out of my room. I need to drain this tension right now. I need to get my mind off this shit. If I'm going to function properly I need to release this stress.
I pretty much ran out of my quarters to head to the gym in the cargo bay. At this point in the morning rotation, the crew is either at their stations, the mess or they're asleep. So thankfully I was alone in the gym, well I was almost alone. Wrex was there too.
"Wrex," I greeted.
"Anderson. I'm surprised to see you down here this early."
"I've got a lot of stress to work out before I meet the Council."
"Good idea. Punch the crap out of the bag rather than shoot the crap out of the Council."
"I like that you get me Wrex," I stated. I proceeded to work the punching bag. Either the bag is getting severely damaged or my punches are getting harder, because working the bag hasn't ever been this easy. I wanted to lace my punches with biotic power but decided not to, because I'd probably overdo it and send the bag into the wall.
"You've gotten much stronger Anderson, not as strong as me of course, but you have improved."
"Careful Wrex, I might actually believe you're praising me," I chuckled.
"Going from being as smart as a varren to a vorcha is a big leap, but it doesn't change the fact you're still stupid. Haha," the krogan warlord chortled.
"Come on old man, let's see what you got."
"Challenging a krogan to one on one unarmed combat. Maybe you are dumber than a wild varren," he guffawed. "There's a difference between bravery and stupidity Anderson and challenging me to a fist fight is very stupid."
"You think so?"
"You're strong I'll give you that, but at the end of the day you have limits, and I'm beyond them. If you want a reputation, then fight all those that challenge you. If you want to thrive then you need to pick your battles and know when fighting is a bad idea," he advised.
"Wow, a Krogan is telling me not to fight," I chuckled.
"That was the problem with the older generation. They were too eager to fight whatever challenged them, including one another. Any disagreement could result in bloodshed. They all thought they had the answers and others were fools if they didn't have the same ideals."
"That's why I kept Rylee and Liara around, they challenge me so I stay grounded."
"Yes, that's true but in your position, it's very easy to start thinking you have all of the answers. Shepard and T'Soni may offer you advice but at the end of the day it's up to you to take it."
What Wrex was saying did make a lot of sense. Fair enough I do have Rylee and Liara around, but how often have I gone against my first instinct and listened to them...
No, I'm being too dismissive. Yes, I may not always take what they say to heart but their advice does influence my decisions. Had they not been on my crew I probably would have killed Blake and the biotics who had Chairman Burns hostage. They've mellowed me out slightly but without dulling my edge.
"I get what you're saying. Pick your battles," I nodded.
"Yeah, good. The only way you could stand a chance against me is if you were as good as Krios."
"Thane Krios… what are you talking about? Is he any good?"
"He's an assassin Anderson, a highly respected one. Almost managed to get me once," the krogan chuckled.
"He almost got you?"
"Yeah, about 20 years back on Omega. I took a contract from Aria T'Loak to go and kill 3 high ranking Blue Suns. Zaeed Massani, Vido Santiago and Pietro Mazimav. They had been causing too much trouble on Omega and Aria was sick of it. It turned out that I wasn't the only one who was after the three of them. Krios had been on their tails for weeks and he was close to making the kill. I wasn't going to let those creds slip through my fingers so I tried to take him out before he could get to them. I managed to track him to the room."
"I'm surprised you were the only one with the idea to take him out."
"I wasn't. I'd heard that 6 other mercs were trying to kill him. Every one of them ended up dead within the week. That managed to scare off most of the amateurs. I had to be careful. I paid room service to go in before me to make sure there were no traps. As soon as it was safe I charged into the room straight at him."
"Then what happened?"
"I don't know how but he managed to side step me but he did. I've never seen anyone fight the way that drell did. I couldn't land a single hit on him. He managed to land four good, strong blows to my stomach, knee, head and neck, which managed to distract me for a few seconds. When I reached around for my weapon, he managed to slip out of the room."
"Impressive, I saw him first hand. I thought the way he dodged people was partly due to luck."
"No, it was skill. That drell is one slippery bastard. I kept up with him until he entered the market. Then he managed to disappear in broad daylight. One second he was in front of a kiosk, then three people walk past him in opposite directions and he was gone. Sharjila was the first time I'd seen him since."
"It's odd he didn't remember you. You seem to remember him."
"He remembers me. Drell have eidetic memories. He probably didn't think it was important to reminisce with Dantius' guards on our asses."
"Good point. But what happened to your targets?"
"Krios managed to get to Mazimav. They found his body aboard his ship. Massani and Santiago managed to broker a deal with Aria and she called off the contract."
"This Aria woman sounds powerful."
"She is…" he responded. Given his short answer I'm guessing he's done talking.
"So, long Wrex."
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Location: Serpent Nebula, Widow System, Citadel, Apollo Café
"She should be here by now," Nate muttered.
"Relax Nate, so what she's running a little late. Just have a little patience."
"Since when was I ever patient."
"Well you better develop some. My mum won't hesitate to kick your ass if you get out of line."
"You're damn right Rylee," my mum declared from behind Nate.
Nate stood up and offered a hand for her to shake it. I could see a vein on her forehead the moment I spotted her, so what happened didn't surprise me. She smacked him upside the back of his head whilst maintaining a stern look.
"Do you honestly think you could get away with not talking to me at all in the last 5 months," she stated.
All Nate could do was stand the holding the back of his now sore head. "I guess I kind of deserve that don't I."
"You bet your ass you do. You've been to Earth twice and you never so much as tried to contact me-"
"I think that's enough you two," Captain Anderson said, finally making his presence known.
We sat down at the table in awkward silence whilst we waited for the waiter to bring us our food. Mum looked legitimately pissed with Nate and if those two were in the same area I doubt we are ever going to eat in peace, so David asked Nate to accompany him to the bar, an offer which he gladly accepted.
"Was that really necessary mum?"
"Yeah it was. Do you know how worried I am about the two of you? You are hunting down Saren Arterius and an army of geth. Anything can happen to you two and he doesn't think I'm important enough to him to at least pick up the phone to call me."
"The mission has been really stressful, I doubt Nate's had much time to communicate with anyone outside of the crew."
To be perfectly honest, Nate doesn't have many friends outside of me and the crew, and that's a fact that he'll admit. Before this mission even started David, my mum and I were the only people he was in regular contact with. He started easing away from the REDS so he could let that part go, most of the Alliance soldiers I've been in contact with want nothing to do with him after what happened to his units on Torfan and Akuze.
"He has made time for Anderson so why not me?" she argued and to be fair she had a point. "I get that you want to defend your CO, but this is something I want to hear from Nathan's own mouth. Don't give him any excuses."
"Nate's been through a lot the past few months. A lot of people in his past have come back and he's had his head spun more than a few times."
"Really."
"Yeah… you already know about his childhood, don't you?"
She sat there a moment and her expression quickly changed from angry to sad. Her brows furrowed together and her mouth opened very slightly. "I saw him soon after they rescued him…" she attempted to wash her eyes of the image but it was clearly too much to bear.
"Oh, God Rylee, the state they found him in. The had shaved his head brutally, I can still remember the cuts on his head, the scrapes and bruises that covered his body. The rags they had him in… his frail, frail body language," I could tell she was fighting back the tears.
"He looked at us with fear and disgust… he pointed at me and called me an... animal," she choked out.
"Oh, my god," I whispered.
If there was a word I would never ever associate with Nate it would be frail. He's always been a symbol of strength for me. He was my source of strength back on Elysium. He took charge of the situation and he made me believe in myself.
His humanity has always been something he has been proud of and he always wears it like a badge of honour. He was always telling me that humanity needs to learn to stop relying so much on the Council to get things done and that we should learn to be more independent. He was always confident that he could do anything and fight longer than possible because of his determination as a human. To think he could ever call another human an animal… just like Talitha.
Oh my… Talitha is like Nate all those years ago.
That thought brought tears to my eyes, that one of my closest friends could ever have been that broken. No wonder he tries so hard not to show weakness.
"Maybe I overreacted… he never had a mother or at least he has no experience with a mother figure…"
"Mom... Nate isn't Ethan. You can't just replace him with another male," I stated.
"I know… it's just. No matter how much time passes that day never loses its impact. Losing my husband and my son on the same day isn't something I think I'll ever get over."
I didn't want to go down this path again. I've spent enough nights in the past thinking about this to know that this wouldn't end well. As sick as it may sound, watching my father die before my eyes did bring me some closure. I knew he was dead.
I never saw Ethan die, I never saw them take him away. I remember him screaming when they were dragging him away, while I was curled up in a ball, trying my best not to cry and draw attention to myself. All I know is that he's gone. For all I know he could still be out there like Talitha was, but the thought of seeing my brother broken and in such a state would kill me. He's probably long dead by now.
Oh, my God! Is that why we both chose to cling to Nate like this. Are we using him as some kind of surrogate to Ethan?
"Mum they're going to be back soon, so let's not do this now. Can we please just have a nice lunch?"
"Okay, I don't want to be angry at him… damn I can see them coming. What should we talk about?"
That's a good question. What should we talk about? I need a topic that could make this tension go away. Something light hearted that's going to get Nate involved and won't set my mom off.
I got it.
"Ask Nate about someone called Liara T'Soni," I said just before they got into eat shot.
Nate sat down cautiously next to my mother and for the first time in years, I saw Nate look regretful. Before he could muster up an apology my mother asked.
"What's this I hear about you and Liara T'Soni?"
Nate was legitimately floored by the question and stood there dumbfounded. He turned his ire to me and eyed me like a sister who's just snitched on him. I winked at him playfully before taking a sip of my water.
"Did I make a mistake?"
The rest of the dinner was spent with my mom teasing Nate about Liara and how close they were. David looked relieved that the tension was gone and he started enjoying himself at Nate's expense. To his credit, he didn't bring Kaidan up, but that was more likely because there could be repercussions to mentioning it to these two.
Despite the afternoon turned out to be a nice one. This mission is incredibly dangerous and we can die at any second. Every choice made can end up with someone dying, and I want to spend as much time with mom as possible in case it's me.
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Dammit Rylee, you're going to pay for that. Using Liara as fuel for the conversation was an effective way to shift the tone, but the teasing was endless.
I didn't realise that people had noticed my closeness to Liara. I always thought I was careful not to let my feelings surface, but I guess I let something slip. If Rylee knows then Kaidan almost certainly knows. I can't be certain about the others, but if they aren't talking to me about it, then it's neither bothering or concerning them.
Blake called me and informed me that I was meant to meet a potential client. I don't know why she's asking me to attend this one, or why she made it sound so damn urgent. It had better be something to do with stopping Saren.
It's been so damn long since I've had any solid leads that I'm starting to fear that he's made significant headway in finding the conduit. The Council hasn't found shit and neither has Blake so my only hope is that Saren hasn't either. He can't be that covert… can he? The thought of being that far behind built up to the point I punched a nearby wall.
"You okay there Anderson?" Kaidan asked, suddenly appearing behind me.
"How long have you been there?"
"Not long, I was coming from buying some shirts when I saw you king this way. Is there something wrong?"
"It's been too damn long since we did anything involving Saren. We haven't found a single solid lead ever since Sharjila. Virmire turned out to be a damn dead end and for all we know Saren has already reached the Conduit and the Reapers are on their way here."
Kaidan sat back and allowed me to vent about my continued grievances with our situation. The main advantage to all of this has been improving the crew's relationship with one another. Fair enough we still must keep an eye on Wrex when he talks to Garrus but other than that we've been great. The younger members of the crew have completely accepted the presence of aliens on the Normandy, and Tali seems to be socialising more.
"Nate, remember we have eyes in damn near every part of the galaxy. With that Syndicate of yours and the Council's eyes out I bet Saren is walking on egg shells. Don't worry too much, I know somethings going to come up soon. You just have to have faith."
Truth be told Kaidan's words did improve my mood but I was determined to be bitter. "Do you always have to be so damned positive. Would it kill you to be glum just once?"
"Actually, it would. You know Rylee actually told me never to lose my smile," he grinned.
"Well she's not here right now. Work with me."
"Fine… the world is lost, the sky is burning, hanar are overthrowing the Council."
"Hanar would be a big improvement. They might actually get something done," I chuckled.
"I don't think your bosses would appreciate you saying that."
"Yeah well, everyone hates their boss."
"Can't argue with that," he smirked in my direction.
"Congrats Lt. you just landed yourself the job of janitor for the day. Next time you're on the Normandy you've got to clean out the Normandy's toilet and showers."
"I call for mutiny. Our captain is abusing his power!" he declared.
I'm glad Rylee chose Kaidan. He's the kind of person you'd recommend to women. He's honest, caring and a good person. Fair enough he's a bit reserved, but when you get him out of his shell he's just awesome to have around.
Before I knew it, we were at the designated location. I spotted Blake sitting at the table with a human man who was wearing oddly designed armour. It left him exposed to the elements given its short sleeves and thin material; and for some reason there was something protruding from his shoulders and his waist. He looked completely disinterested and seemed to be actively ignoring his Blake. This is obviously a middleman, his boss probably ordered him here and he isn't too happy about it,
"Hello Commander," Blake greeted with a handshake, a gesture I returned.
I turned my focus to the man sitting beside her, "Hello, Mister…"
"My name isn't important. What is important is the job I'm here to offer you," he replied sternly. So, he just wants to get straight down to business.
"What is it?"
"We need you to extract a child from a building."
"What do you mean extract?" I demanded.
"What else does extract mean, I need you to get a kid out of a building," he sneered derisively.
"Absolutely not. I'm not kidnapping a child for you. Just who the fuck do you think I am?!" I seethed. Do these sick assholes honestly think after what happened to me and Talitha I would help them out? Amid my anger, I never noticed the field of biotic energy that was beginning to encompass me.
He sat there perfectly still and relaxed, completely unaffected by my show of anger. He instead turned his head to Blake as though he expected her to convince me.
"What he meant to say was he wants rescue a child from the Ariake Technologies building on the Presidium. The child is under his care he would like for you to rescue him."
"And just why should I believe you."
"You can choose to believe me or not I don't care. Just get the job done if you want the information on Saren Arterius," he stated dismissively.
That immediately caught my interest. "What do you know about Saren?"
"My boss has been doing business with him. Saren's recent practices have forced him to reconsider his association with the turian."
"Which actions, the attack on Eden Prime, betraying the Council, killing another SPECTRE," I listed off.
"Please," the man scoffed. "Why would we turn away business for such trivial reasons? My organisation doesn't care about the Council or your pathetic colonies."
I couldn't hold back my confusion. He said your pathetic colonies… as if he wasn't human. He looked human enough. Maybe he's one of those cultists who believe that they've transcended humanity. I chose to ignore that statement and proceeded with business.
"Then why help me?"
"Because Saren is dealing with forces beyond his own comprehension and needs to be put down. We would deal with him ourselves if we weren't previously engaged in another matter. This mission is a test to see if you are worth helping in the future. If you're successful we'll provide you further aid."
I studied the man very carefully to see if there was any trace of deceit and I could find none. He spoke with supreme confidence, not arrogance but self-assuredness. He believed every word he said and I'm completely certain he isn't lying. He appeared more annoyed than anything else to have to speak to me… almost as though I was beneath him.
"So, this is an audition… what happens if I fail?"
"Then unfortunately Commander me and my colleagues would have no choice but to personally go after you and your crew."
I stormed up to him and lifted him by his collar with both my hands. "Don't you dare threaten my crew! If you ever do anything that stupid again you won't live to regret it. YOU GOT THAT!" I threatened. I'm just about ready to kick this guy's ass. Just who the fuck does he think he is.
He again wasn't angry or scared or shocked… he was bored. He didn't even have any expression on his face, be was just… uninterested.
He raised his hands and put them in between the gap of my two forearms and backhanded them away, forcing me to let go. He didn't look like he used much force, but it was enough to damn near dislocate my shoulder.
Without missing a beat, he pushed me away by forcing his palms into my chest and sent me flying. The scary part was that he didn't use any biotics, that was his natural strength. I skidded into some chairs and I was finally stopped by a table that had been welded into the ground.
He stood from his seat and stared me down. "My boss wants your response within the hour. This is a one-time only offer Commander. If you shut this door on us, we won't open it again. Think carefully."
Those were his last words before he left the restaurant. The waiter looked absolutely petrified of the mystery man and with good reason. He completely outclassed me without breaking a sweat and I'm no pushover.
"What just happened?" Kaidan asked.
"Our fearless leader just experienced what it's like to deal with the Magi," Helena responded. "They are notoriously strong but they mostly keep to themselves."
"I never knew that humans could be that strong. He tossed me around like I was made of paper. Just who is he?"
"He refers to himself as Won. This is the first face to face encounter I've had with them, but from what I've heard they are all as strong as he is. The technology they possess is extraordinary and years beyond what is currently available, but they refuse to deal with anyone. Not many are even aware of their existence."
"I've seen them in action before, but to actually get into a scuffle with one is something else entirely," I groaned, getting up to my feet.
"So, what are we going to do Commander?"
I had already made my mind up. In fact, I made my mind up as soon as I hit the ground "We're going to do what they say."
"WHAT! Have you lost your mind Commander? Since when do you help people that threaten the crew."
"I'm more concerned with finding Saren at this minute. We don't know what his next move and I'll be damned if I let him win. If that means playing their little game for now, then so be it."
"And what if they intend to sell the kid as a slave?" Kaidan asked.
"Then we send the kid to a peaceful planet without their knowledge and take our chances with the Magi."
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Location: Sentry Omega, Hoc System, SSV Normandy SR-1
Flashforward
Virmire…
If only I'd known just what would happen on the cursed planet. If I'd known that I'd lose a member of my crew, I would've done things differently.
I shouldn't have ever given Kirrahe any of my men.
I should've brought the full force of my syndicate.
I should've been faster.
I could have saved their life.
I picked up a picture frame from the ground and ran my thumb over it affectionately.
Rylee… I'm so sorry. I hope you can forgive me.