In conjunction with Phlox, Hayes and Archer had come up with an action plan: Hayes would meet with Phlox twice a week, once for talk therapy and once for cognitive behavioural therapy; Archer insisted that Hayes take an hour for himself after each session, despite Hayes insisting that half an hour was more than enough (he didn't want any time, but he decided to pick his battles); Reed would help him prioritise his workload and reassign any tasks that he wouldn't be able to get done; Reed was also going to start training him more on the tactical station on the bridge so that he could help with mission control during away missions, seeing as he was not going to be cleared to participate in them for a while; also Archer was going to have a biweekly catch up with him to make sure that the plan was working.

And most importantly, Archer and Phlox talked him into going on antidepressants. He was already taking the meds to handle the alcohol cravings, and was going to start tapering them off over the next couple of weeks, but he had absolutely refused the other meds. He'd only agreed because he was afraid that Archer's tolerance would end with his refusal; once he'd seen Archer's approving nod and smile, he was actually happy with his decision, though that little voice in his head did berate him for only doing it to keep his boss happy. But still, he'd let Phlox inject him, was told that he would need to come in once a week for it, and that he wouldn't actually notice its effect for about a month.

He tried not to think about his family's reaction to finding out he was antidepressants; they most definitely wouldn't be smiling. He kept it out of his letters to them, along with the fact that he'd relapsed; he tried not to think about how Grandpa Elliot and Grandma Dolores would scoff at his action plan; his mother's parents might not think it was such a bad idea, but Grandpa Mike, who'd been assigned under Grandma Dolores at Pendleton, would probably say something about getting his ass in gear, and not giving his superiors more work to do. He still hadn't spoken to Reed either about what the Captain had said – he'd been trying to work up the nerve for the last two weeks, but his courage had failed him every time. He didn't know how he felt about it: on the one hand it really sounded like Reed had gone to bat for him with the Captain; but on the other he'd lied to him and led him to believe that the Captain didn't know he was drinking. Hayes had been about to bring it up several times but every time he felt comfortable enough, Reed would go and make a particularly funny comment, or he'd just smile at him, and then Hayes became so nervous about ruining the moment that he chickened out.

It wasn't like he hadn't had plenty of opportunities to be alone with Reed either. Reed had even invited him to his quarters to watch a movie one night, and had asked him if he was interested in joining Reed's chess club; Hayes had tried and failed to not get all fluttery and giddy that Reed was trying to spend one on one time with him. He told himself that it was just the same concern that Reed would show anyone on his team, it wasn't specifically because he wanted to spend time with him. It was the same reason that Travis was making a point to ask him if he was going to movie night – just regular concern you'd show a crewmate who 'seemed a bit down'.

Because that's how he'd overheard people referring to him; he'd been up on the walkway in the armoury the other day when Sgt. Ayodele had entered the lower deck, deep in conversation with Sgts. Walker and Johansen. She'd been telling them that she thought they needed to take on a little more responsibility to ease the pressure on Hayes – he was a kind of off lately, Walker agreed. He also knew that the only reason Ed and Mac were pestering him about assisting on training schedules was because they 'thought he needed a break'. To cap it all off, just now, when he entered the bridge from the rear door instead of the turbolift, he'd caught the tail end of Reed, T'Pol, Travis, and Hoshi's conversation. Okay, fine, he didn't hear anything, but they all stopped talking as soon as the doors opened, and he knew how much the three of them gossiped, what was he supposed to think?

"Afternoon major." Reed just glanced up as Hayes exited the turbolift, with Hoshi glancing over her shoulder at him from where she was taking readings on the console behind Reed. She'd been in the middle of saying something when Hayes had come in, and was now suspiciously quiet.

Despite the fluttery feeling in his chest and the knots in his stomach, Hayes knew he appeared cool and calm on the outside. He strode into the bridge proper, and faced T'Pol. "Permission to enter the bridge, ma'am?"

"Granted, major. Are you familiar with the phenomenon of micro-singularities?" T'Pol asked him, still seated at her station. Was she seriously going to pretend that they weren't just talking about him? The nerve of that pointy-eared, arrogant –

"I'm afraid not, ma'am," Hayes replied.

"The next question is would you like to be," Travis joked, but his smile faded when Hayes did not return it.

"Lt. Mayweather is mistaken: you do not have a choice. Please take a seat." T'Pol indicated the seat next to her, which Hayes took, ignoring the way Hoshi kept glancing at him. T'Pol, for her part, hadn't even changed her expression; there was no discernible emotion whatsoever on that women's face. Tucker liked to claim that he was able to read her like a book, but Hayes didn't know how serious he was. He also claimed that she had a wicked sense of humour, but Hayes was convinced he had the hots for her. "They are a little studied phenomenon that has caused us difficulties in the past," T'Pol continued. "I have several appearing on my sensors at the moment, and considering the damage they are capable of I believe a 'crash course' would be necessary."

She brought up some readings on her console that Hayes was barely able to interpret. "Lt. Reed is in the process of improving our shielding –" Brainiac nerd "And it might be helpful for you have a basic understanding of them to see where the lieutenant is coming from."

Yeah, basic. Had to be basic for him. Big, dumb MACO, who was apparently too stupid – no, asinine – to comprehend that they'd just been gossiping about him before he came in. She was really just going to plow ahead with whatever these phenomena were, completely ignoring the fact that he'd caught them red-handed; he knew full well that they were a bunch of fucking gossips, he'd spent enough time on the bridge to know that there was literally nothing else to do sometimes – space was big and a lot of it was empty, as Tucker liked to put it. But to just continue on as though he hadn't heard them discussing him personally, and not just idle gossip either, something that was highly sensitive, the arrogant, inconsiderate, rude, callous –

"Before we begin properly, however, you should know that we were just discussing Cmdr. Tucker's upcoming birthday party when you entered. We'd like it to be a surprise; and you are of course invited."

Hayes was very glad in that moment that Vulcans required physical contact to read your mind. The anger deflated like a punctured balloon. God dammit…

"My lips are sealed, ma'am," Hayes said, feeing the flush creeping up his neck. He started wishing the floor would open him up and swallow him whole. Stupid, stupid, stupid…

"Better not be keeping something from me."

The Captain had just come out of his ready room. He strode over and peered at the readings T'Pol had on her console. "Anything new on the micro-singularities?"

He was leaning on the back of Hayes chair and was getting pretty close. He had been told by various members of the crew that the Captain was pretty touch-feely, but had still not quite been prepared for the amount of pats on the back the Captain gave out – nor the fact that they were literal, physical, pats on the back. Reed had overheard some of the MACOs saying they weren't comfortable with it, and told the Captain. Hayes had been furious, thinking that Reed had been trying to alienate the Captain from the MACOs, but Captain Archer had immediately apologised and said it wouldn't happen again; and Reed was left thinking that he was dumber than Porthos. He'd genuinely been trying to think of a way to tactfully broach the subject with the Captain, but then Reed had just went and told him straight out when he'd come down to the armoury for a sit rep.

"He wants you to know you've done a good job, not feel creeped out," Reed had said, rolling his eyes. "If he's upset about it, it's because he's the cause of some people's discomfort; he's not even remotely annoyed at you or any of your team."

T'Pol gave Captain Archer a quick update, and Hayes was surprised, yet happy to realise that he could actually keep up with conversation. Reed added his two cents every now and again, updating the Captain on how the shielding improvements were coming along. The Captain seemed happy with the progress, and moved to take his seat, clapping Hayes on the shoulder as he left. Hoshi had returned to her station while the others had been speaking, but just now gave T'Pol a look ever her shoulder.

In response T'Pol nodded and then said so quietly that Hayes almost didn't hear her, "Gazelles."

Hayes stiffened. He glanced over his shoulder at the Captain, but he didn't seemed to have heard her. He turned back to T'Pol, who was acting as though she hadn't said anything at all, she just continued giving Hayes the low-down on the singularities. Hoshi looked at T'Pol again, then made eye contact with Hayes, her eyes twinkling, and said slightly louder, "Gazelles."

Travis, realising what was going on, glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. Hayes could hear him say, almost imperceptible, "Gazelles."

'Gazelles' was a game the bridge crew played when they were bored: they would each take turns saying the word 'gazelles', getting increasingly louder, until the Captain asked them what they were doing, and then they would play dumb. The MACOs hadn't gotten it until Hoshi did her, admittedly very good, impression of a speech Captain Archer had given a couple of years ago. He knew they did it, he'd walked in on Hoshi saying she'd seen gazelles giving birth enough times, but didn't seem to mind the crew poking fun at him. It was one of things that Hayes respected most about him, that he was such a down to Earth, good natured guy. T'Pol gave Hayes a small nod; Hayes took that as his cue to take his turn, whispering "Gazelles."

It didn't seem like the Captain had heard any of them. Until Reed took his turn and the Captain said "You muttering to yourself, Malcolm?"

"Just a tickle in my throat sir."

The Captain stood up a moment later, saying that he wanted to check on some paper work. The bridge was silent for a moment before there was a click over the comms and Captain Archer's voice boomed out "GAZELLES!"

Except for T'Pol, they all jumped. They stared at the comm for a moment in silence, before starting to chuckle. Except T'Pol. She just told them that she found it amusing.

"How long have you believed that the senior staff view you this way?"

"Only lately, to be honest."

"And what makes you think this?"

"Why wouldn't they? It's not exactly a secret I can't keep up with them academically. Especially Lt. Reed; I swear, he is one of the smartest people I know."

It was his fifth session with Phlox, and he had to admit he was a lot more comfortable around the doctor than during his first session. Phlox was a lot less condescending than the MACO shrinks he'd been forced to see, and was trying his hardest to change his therapy style to one that would suit Hayes. It was still a lot of the same cognitive behavioural bullshit he'd been trying for years, but Phlox wasn't making him feel bad for forgetting to use it. He'd actually had one shrink tell his CO that he was being highly uncooperative – after the second session. Hayes had just started telling him what he wanted to hear after that. He'd just told him what had happened on the bridge yesterday, when he'd been convinced that they'd been talking about him before he'd come in.

"And what did you feel once you realised that they had been talking about Cmdr. Tucker's birthday?"

"Like an idiot, I'm an idiot," Hayes shrugged. "I mean, why would they be talking about me? They don't even want me around."

"When did you start to believe you were so unwelcome?"

"I don't know, last couple of months, I guess."

"Hmm." Phlox looked thoughtful. "Remind me of your role on the Enterprise, please."

Hayes sighed. Phlox had asked him this before. "To provide support to the Armoury and Tactical officer during away missions and to augment ship's security."

"And what is Lt. Reed's role?"

"To maintain the armoury and its inventory; monitor ship's security and emergency procedures; provide tactical expertise on the bridge." Drive him to distraction with his pretty blue eyes.

"Are your roles different?" Phlox asked, knowing full well what the answer was.

"They are, but," Hayes said quickly. "The lieutenant could easily take over my job; I can't do his; I don't have the know-how, and there's no way I'd ever be able to do it."

"You mean you're not intelligent enough." Not a question.

Hayes hesitated before answering. "Well, yeah," he said finally. He'd hadn't really brought this up with Phlox before now, though they had touched on the whole 'negative thoughts' and 'redirecting his thinking' in the last couple of sessions. Once Phlox realised that Hayes wasn't really going to be forthcoming with any of his insecurities, and therefore coming up with ways of turning that thinking around was going to be useless, he'd decided to just talk with him until he felt comfortable enough. And he was getting comfortable; Reed had told him that Phlox was essentially a black box of information – they were only to get something out of him if it looked like Hayes was going to crash. But what had really happened was that he was sick of assuming the worst of his colleagues only to be confronted with evidence to the contrary seconds later – it was exhausting and always left him feeling so guilty over what he'd been thinking. Especially the couple of times he'd snapped at Lt. Smarty Pants. So, Hayes woken up that morning having decided to actually engage with Phlox a little bit more that day, talk about his feelings, and maybe get some feedback.

He was terrified.

"Well," Phlox began, looking at him expectantly, "Why do you need to have the expertise Lt. Reed has?"

"I…" Hayes thought about. "I guess I don't."

"And how does your knowledge of combat compare to Lt. Reed's? Hmm?"

Hayes was silent for few moments. He was grateful that Phlox just said take your time, and let him organise his thoughts. "Mine is much more focused on ground offensives and defense of the ship incase we're boarded."

He knew full well that at first Reed had quietly seethed when Hayes was delivering briefs; he'd only found out in November that it was because he was making Reed feel insecure that he was going to take over security. Then they'd had their little fight - or the Fisticuffs Incident, as Tucker called it – and Reed had confided in him about how badly his experience on the Aurora had messed him up. He'd promised Reed that keeping the crew safe was Hayes's number one priority, and he was just as dedicated to it as Reed was; he'd seemed mollified when Hayes pointed out that he needed Reed's knowledge of the ship to get that done.

"MACO strategies and weaponry are still a few years ahead of Starfleet's," Hayes said. "I guess that's what I bring to the table." Although there was, about a week into the mission, an incident where it looked like a couple of the youngest privates were going to crack under the pressure.

"I'll admit the stakes are much, much higher than any training exercise you've ever done," Reed had said to them. "There's no getting around that, I'm afraid. But how you react to them is the same; what you've been taught to do is the same; I have every confidence you all know what you're doing; you'll be fine."

"But I didn't really know what I was getting into until a few months into the mission," Hayes admitted, his voice low. He swallowed that bad taste that wrapped itself around the back of his throat whenever he thought of the members of his team that he'd lost. "I was prepared to deal with most of the situations we found ourselves in, but um… I guess it was afterwards…" he trailed off.

"Reed seemed like he could handle anything," he continued. The entire ship seemed like it was shaking apart sometimes and he would be cool as a cucumber, clearly and calmly giving orders in the armoury or over the comms if he was on the bridge, while at the same time having to keep some of the MACOs from freaking out; they hadn't liked that they didn't have much more to do than stand there when in a crisis situation, or if they were hit with a particularly bad anomaly. As a result Reed had started them on a pretty comprehensive training schedule in star ship operations; actually having something to do had basically nixed any anxiety they'd felt when caught in those situations again. When he pointed this out to Phlox, he said,

"Why is it Lt. Reed you seem to compare yourself to the most?"

That threw Hayes. Why was it Reed? Their roles weren't that dissimilar; Reed had turned out to have a lot more ground tactical knowledge than Hayes was expecting, though Hayes had more; Reed, however, had far outstripped Hayes when it came to actual combat experience and just how important that was going to be in dealing with what they saw afterwards had been a real shock to the system; it had also been the point that Reed had actually told them about the Aurora in the first place, and doing so, telling him about his experience like that… well, his estimation in Hayes's eyes had skyrocketed. They also had similar backgrounds, coming from military families, though Hayes didn't know how strict Reed's had been; Hayes grandparents had kept an extremely tight leash on their grandchildren. They always figured it was because they had never really been there for their son, so with their grandchildren they'd just swung the other way completely. Hayes and his siblings had learned to get very sneaky, at a very young age.

"Because he's the one I want to impress." And there it was; almost right from the start, Reed had been giving him flack: for being too military, for not being techie enough, for the almost forty MACOs crowding his armoury and just generally being in the way, for making security suggestions that just weren't feasible due to how the ship was laid out ("Of course, major, we'll just redesign parts of the ship; I'll get Cmdr. Tucker right on it").

"I thought he was looking down his nose at me; so I tried to be better, to work around him better, and to, I don't know, I wanted to show him that MACO had a purpose on the ship; other than being in his way." That had also happened a lot; Reed had come into the armoury more than once carrying something heavy, only to have four or five MACOs physically blocking his path. Or he would have to send them to the walkway or out of the room entirely so he could fit whatever he needed to look at. He'd lasted a week before he cracked.

"I thought he thought I was pretty useless; he didn't ask for my opinion on anything, and he tended to ignore me if I offered it. Then we actually had a really good conversation, and things got a lot better for a while." He wasn't going to tell Phlox just how insecure Hayes had made Reed feel; it felt like a betrayal.

"For a while?" Phlox asked quizzically. "I was under the impression that you were working quite well together; did something change?"

Hayes paused, taking a deep breath in. "He started working with me a lot more; just including me in things he was doing, asking for my opinion, you know. I thought that he thought I was kind of dumb, and then I realised that he didn't think that at all but that he probably should."

"And why should he think you're dumb?"

"I actually realised just how smart he was." He knew Hayes's equipment better than Hayes did, or at least how it worked; whenever Hayes proposed a plan of attack, he seemed to know the history behind the strategy – and Hayes always fact checked; having been born in Sri Lanka he spoke fluent Tamil and Singhalese, and passable Mandarin from when he'd lived in Malaysia; he had a college degree from St. Andrew's in math, in addition to the master's in applied mathematics he'd earned over the three years he'd been at Starfleet Academy. He actually told Hayes that he'd gotten good enough grades in the A levels for direct entry into second year in St. Andrew's; he could keep up with Tucker when he was talking about warp theory; he could even keep up with T'Pol, most of the time; and Hayes liked to read himself, but Reed devoured books like he did pineapple, and not just the YA fiction that he, Hoshi, and Cutler passed around between themselves – non-fiction, classic literature, geography, history – if he wasn't working over lunch, then he was reading. Hayes had already thought Malcolm was impressive before he opened up, but this was probably when his little crush on him first started to develop. He hadn't told Phlox about that though.

When told all of this to Phlox, he responded "And what about your education and achievements? Your technical expertise? Hmm? Why is Lt. Reed's anymore impressive than yours?"

"I don't think I'm that intelligent," Hayes replied, shrugging. "I've got a lot of brute strength, and I can shoot straight but that's about it."

After a beat Phlox said, "Do you remember last time when we spoke about identifying negative thought patterns and how comparing yourself to others can lead to them?" Hayes nodded. "Well, what you've just told me just now is a very good example of such thinking: believing that your accomplishments and expertise are worth less than someone else's. Do you think you're ready to try to tackle some of those negative perceptions?"

"Um…" Hayes thought about it. "Yeah, now's as good a time as any I suppose." That and he liked Phlox's mannerisms and how he put things sometimes; he had a unique way of looking at things that he wasn't trying to force on Hayes, although he had realised after the third session that Phlox was playing up the dumb alien routine to get Hayes to explain things and think them through a little more. It was very different to what any therapist he'd had had done in the past; and there was no risk of him spilling whatever Hayes said to him to the Captain. Unlike one or two of his therapists in the past…

"Excellent, I actually have a cognitive behavioural therapy tool that I think we should try."

"Sure, go for it." Hayes waved a hand, as Phlox got up and went into the main room. He returned after a moment and sat back down. Hayes didn't take his eyes off of what Phlox had in his hand.

"Doctor, are you going to shoot me with that Nerf gun in this professional setting?"

"That's really up to you, isn't it?" Phlox gave a super wide smile – one that went a lot wider than Hayes had been expecting. So that's what Reed meant… Phlox waved the Nerf gun to encourage Hayes to continue speaking.

"What do you want me to say? More importantly, what's not going to get me shot?"

Phlox thought for a moment. "Perhaps you could tell me about your own education?"

"Uh, just high school and college, I guess," Hayes said, scratching behind his ear. "I stopped drinking senior year of high school because I wanted to get into WestPoint and I needed to bring my grades up."

"And you did just that," Phlox pointed out, kindly. Though he still had the Nerf gun trained on him.

"Yeah, but only because my grandparents got me tutors; there would have been no way otherwise. I've always needed help with that stuff, it's not something I find easy."

"And what about when you were in WestPoint? Surely you did well there?"

"I don't know how, though," Hayes replied. "Like I said, I'm not that smart –"

Phoop.

Phlox shot him in the chest with a Nerf dart. Hayes looked at where it had fallen in his lap; but he had enough experience with CBT to know why Phlox had shot him. "But, since I did manage to pass all of my classes and get in in the first place, that counts for something?"

No Nerf dart.

Hayes continued, "I just think that I should have done it by myself, for the bridge exam Reed actually tutors people –"

Phoop.

"But he and I are completely different people, and we both have our strengths and weaknesses."

No Nerf dart that time either.

It was definitely the most interesting therapy session Hayes had ever had. Every time he talked shit about himself or compared himself to someone else – his grandparents, his siblings, Malcolm, Tucker – he got a Nerf dart to the chest and changed his language; and God dammit, if he didn't actually start liking himself a little better by the end. And Phlox knew it; smug bastard. Hayes actually left that therapy session a lot more hopeful than he'd been in a while; he could definitely do this.

He could.

It was going to be okay.