Roxas stared at the raven-haired man in front of him, eyes brimmed with tears.
"Van, please! I don't want to be with you anymore. It's been over for three years!" He cried, backing away from his ex-boyfriend, his back hitting a wall.
Vanitas turned his amber eyes to Roxas and laughed, cold and empty.
"Do you honestly think, that you could ever get away from me?" He sneered, grabbing Roxas by the throat.
The blond started grabbing on the hand, fighting against his ex-boyfriend and trying his hardest to breath as Vanitas' grip tightened.
"P-please! Van, I-I love hi-m." He stuttered out.
"Do you now? Do you think your new boyfriend could ever love you back? Knowing how broken you are. Tell me Rox, does he know of your drug habits?" Vanitas scoffed rolling his eyes.
He leaned forward, gripping Roxas' neck as hard as he could. "No one, will ever love you."
Roxas shot up in bed, his breathing heavy and a sheen of sweat covering his body.
Staring ahead in his dark room, Roxas' breathing grew heavier as his heartbeat thumped against his chest.
His hands started to go numb and a lump grew in his chest. "Blanket," He gasped clambering out of his bed and trying to find his blanket.
His legs shook as he walked to his jacket and picked it up, searching for the piece of blanket.
It was the only thing he had left from when his mother and father were still alive. He remembered carrying it everywhere with him after they left, the soft felt being the only thing that comforted him.
Unfortunately, as fate would have it, Vanitas had gotten a hold of it during a drug-induced rage and set fire to the blanket, the only piece left was the one that Roxas had.
If he really wanted to, he could make it into a tiny pillow and put it on a chain, but Roxas preferred to have the small piece of fabric on his person at all times, in easy access.
A sob ran through his chest as he breathing grew heavier and he could feel his cheeks starting to tingle. His panic attack was only growing with each passing second he couldn't find the piece of blanket.
"F-fuck!" Roxas cried out in frustration, his hands shaky as he looked for something he could focus on that would help with the panic attack that was starting build up faster, with every passing second.
He looked to his bed and spotted the white tiger plush Axel had returned to him earlier that week. He grabbed it with numb hands, barely able to feel the soft faux fur.
Laying back down, Roxas held the furry toy to his chest, trying to focus on his breathing. He leaned down and buried his face into the tiger's fur and took a deep breath, the smell of lavender and vanilla mixed with citrus.
"Deep breaths," he mumbled to himself, taking deep breaths to regulate his breathing, the smell of his boyfriend filling his senses.
Roxas' body relaxed into the bed, his face buried into the tiger, his mind focusing on how the tiger smelt and how soft the fur felt on his skin.
Tears rolled down his cheeks as his breathing slowed to a normal pace until he fell into a dreamless sleep, body and mind exhausted.
It was a few hours later when he woke up and he saw Sora laying in his bed with him, looking through his phone.
"Sora?" Roxas sat up, wiping the drool off his face. Thank God it was just his cousin and not Axel.
"I heard you whimpering and crying in your sleep. I didn't have the heart to wake you, but I wanted to make sure you were okay." Sora explained setting his phone down.
"Had a dream about Vanitas, it sent me into a panic attack," Roxas explained, as he stretched. "I'm fine now though." He hugged the tiger to his chest.
Sora nodded looking at Roxas, who met his gaze. "I promise." He said which made Sora nod his head and wordlessly.
"Hey Sora?" Roxas asked as Sora reached the doorway.
"Hm?" Sora turned to face Roxas, eyebrows furrowed.
"How did you know you loved Riku?" Roxas asked, his cheeks flushing. He felt like a stupid twelve year old with a middle school crush.
Sora turned and looked at Roxas confused before shrugging his shoulders. "I'm not honestly sure. It was a few months into us dating. If I remember correctly, he and I went to a Halloween party our Senior year of high school. I wanted to dance but was too afraid of looking like a fool. Riku got up and started dancing, albet terribly, he still did it without any care in the world. He did it to show me it didn't matter what I looked like, so long as I was having fun. I think that's when I realized I loved him. Why?" he asked. Tilting his head to the side.
"A few months, huh," Roxas huffed before running a hand through his hair. "I had a dream, a nightmare really, about Vanitas and when I was trying to convince him that we weren't together anymore, that I was with Axel, I said that I loved Axel. I wasn't sure if it was just dream me or if it was real life me. I've only known him for almost, three months?. There's no way I'm already feeling that way about him."
Sora leaned up against the doorway and crossed his arms. "You were with Vanitas how long before you realized how you felt?" He asked.
"Two weeks? Plus I was in college and only eighteen." Roxas tried to justify, crossing his arms. "Besides, my therapist has explained why i was like that with him."
Sora just chuckled. "You'll know, when you know Rox. If you feel that it's too soon to say it, let him say it first. I've known Axel a long time. It's gonna take more than you saying 'I love you' to scare him away. But if you are really that scared, just wait till you're one hundred percent sure or as I said; wait until he says it first."
Roxas nodded falling back on his bed watching as Sora shuffled out of the doorway and turned down the hall.
Taking a deep breath, Roxas turned and grabbed his phone off the charger and opened up the messaging app.
"You awake?" he sent to Axel and set the phone down. It was about 4 in the morning and usually Axel stayed up pretty late into the morning if he didn't have any patients the next day.
A few minutes passed when a loud buzz filled the quiet room. Roxas excited rose out of bed before reading the message.
Axel 3: Baaaaabe. It's 4 in the mornng, go back 2 sleep.
Axel 3: *morning
Roxas: Can't, woke up to pee, now can't sleep.
Another 3 minutes passed before he received a message.
Axel 3: That sux.
Roxas chuckled before replying.
Roxas: S'okay. I'll let you sleep. I'll let you sleep, see you at 10?
Axel 3: "Mm yes. Goodnight.
Roxas: Good night Ax!
Roxas sighed as he looked through his closet trying to find something comfortable to wear for his date to the Zoo. The weather had started to change and all of his hoodies were no longer suitable for the warm weather that had crept upon them.
The trip to the Zoo was going to be a special one as Roxas had spoken with his boss about feeding some of the animals. Once he was able to convince his boss, he made plans to go with Axel.
Finally settling on a black tee and a pair of khaki shorts, he quickly got changed, fixing the flyaway hairs that sprung out when he pulled the shirt over his hair. Spraying his hair down with some hairspray, Roxas gave himself a once over before finally deciding he was happy with his appearance.
Heading out of his bathroom, he grabbed his phone off his bed and sent a quick text to Axel.
"I'm ready when you are." he pocketed his phone, grabbing his converse and slipping them on. He made sure he had everything he needed; keys, wallet, chapstick, etc.
"Hey you heading out?" Sora asked as he walked into kitchen, clad in pajamas.
Roxas looked up from his phone and nodded. "Yeah, going to the Zoo with Axel. Got any plans later?" he watched his cousin start searching through the cupboards, looking for something to eat.
"Packing, going to lunch with Riku, then packing some more." Sora grabbed a bowl out of the cupboard and started pouring himself some cereal.
Roxas nodded, looking down at his phone when he felt it vibrate in his hand.
"I'm hereeee~" it read.
"Have fun packing." Roxas saluted to Sora before heading out to the front door, locking it behind him.
He spotted the purple Accent, parked behind his own car, a deep sea blue Subaru Impreza.
Climbing into the car, Roxas got settled and put on his seatbelt. "Hi." He turned to Axel and gave him a small wave.
"I hope you know what you're getting yourself into today." Axel leaned over armrest console to give Roxas a kiss. Returning the sentiment, Roxas grinned when they separated and settled back into the seat.
"It'll be fun." he promised.
As Axel started to drive out of the apartment duplex, Roxas hooked his phone to the Bluetooth and shuffled the playlist he made specifically for this trip.
In his peripheral, he watched as Axel looked at the song that was playing, a small smirk formed on his lips.
Roxas couldn't help but mirror it, but he rubbed his lips together to make it seem like he wasn't just watching his boyfriend.
"Teenage dream? I haven't heard that song in a while." Axel commented, turning the volume up.
"You think I'm pretty, without any makeup on…"
A huge grin spread across Roxas' face as he heard Axel sing and soon joined in, dancing as he sang.
Axel's voice cracked as he started to laugh.
They sang along to the songs that got shuffled through.
"What is this your love playlist?" Axel asked, turning down the volume as "All I am" by Jess Glynn started to play.
Roxas blushed, shrugging his shoulders. "I just chose songs that I liked." He said defensively.
Axel noted the tone in Roxas voice and reached over and grabbed his hand, lacing their fingers together. "I wasn't shitting on your music. It was just an observation. If it upset you, I'll be more considerate about how I ask." He said quietly.
Roxas gave his hand a squeeze. "I'm sorry." He whispered.
"No reason to be sorry Rox." Axel returned the squeeze and let go of his boyfriend's hand so he could turn into the Zoo parking lot.
"What's the game plan?" Axel asked as he circled the parking lot for the second time, trying to find a good parking spot.
Roxas pointed at an empty parking spot that was close to the entrance. "Well, I figured we'd walk around, find all the exhibits we want to look at, have lunch, then I have a surprise for you afterwards." He unbuckled his seat belt once they were parked and got out of the car.
"A surprise huh? Do I get to know my surprise?" Axel walked around the back of his car to stand with Roxas.
Playfully rolling his eyes, Roxas took Axel's hand as they headed to the gates. "That defeats the purpose of the surprise." Grabbing out his work ID for the cashier, he slid it over.
He could feel Axel's gaze on him and he started to feel, very self-conscious about the surprise he had in store. The cashier handed them their passes. Roxas pocketed one of the passes before turning to his boyfriend, a grin on his face. "Where do you want to go first?" Roxas asked as he gave Axel his pass and headed through the second entrance gates.
Wrapping his arm around Roxas' shoulders, pulling him into his body, Axel looked at the giant map that stood in front of him. Green eyes scanned over the map, looking nothing in particular. "Big cats? Maybe I can finally make sense of why you like white tigers so much." he teased leading the way to where the map showed the big cats were located.
Roxas jabbed Axel in the side gently as the pair made their way down the trail to the big cats.
They stopped first at the lions, who were lazing about on big rocks, bellies exposed, soaking in the warmth from the Sun's rays.
"When I was younger, before my parents passed away, we had this cat, named Lottie. She would lay in these little patches of sunlight on my floor and my mom used to say Lottie was caught in a sunbeam. The first time I came to the Zoo and saw a lion lay like that, I said the same thing. It's just a warm spot and they'll move once they're warm enough, but I always imagined that my cat was stuck in that one spot and couldn't get up." Roxas chuckled.
Axel looked at Roxas, eyebrows raised. It was the first time Roxas had mentioned his parents since they had dated. He gave his boyfriend's shoulder a squeeze, not knowing what else to say.
Roxas bit his lip as he moved from Axel's side and took his hand, lacing their fingers together. He felt Axel squeeze his hand and he returned the notion, biting back a smile.
They made their way around the big cats exhibits, watching as the warmer climate cats were more active than those that were more acclimated to colder weather.
Tigers were busy playing in the makeshift river, splashing around and rolling around while the Cheetahs were chasing each and playing.
When they reached the snow leopards, Roxas was surprised to see of the cold weather cats out and about. He pointed to one with its tail in it's mouth. Axel laughed. "Why is it doing that?" he asked watching the snow leopard as it walked around with it's tail.
"Ya know, we don't really know. Scientists believe it's to keep their warmth closer to their bodies, some believe it's just something they do when they're bored." Roxas shrugged as he leaned against the wood fence.
"Do you work in this exhibit?" Axel asked mimicking Roxas' pose and watched as one of the bigger snow leopards started to stalk the one holding its tail.
Roxas shook his head. "I started here, but I'm in the smaller animal area. Like the red pandas and fennec foxes." he said pushing himself off the fence turning to Axel. "Where to next?" he asked grabbing the map from his back pocket.
"Can we actually look at the red pandas?" Axel asked.
A little surprised, Roxas nodded. "Yeah, follow me." he said as he headed down the path, making his way to the red panda exhibit.
The red panda exhibit was tucked away behind a glass wall that had rock borders and bamboo trees that mimicked the red panda's' natural habitat. A group of huge trees stood in front of a rock face, meant to look like mountains.
Axel's face lit up when he spotted a red panda lazing about on one of the thicker branches, munching on a stick of bamboo. "Roxas look. Oh my God, they're so cute." he gushed taking his phone taking photos the red pandas that he could find.
He made his way farther down the path and started taking more pictures.
Roxas watched as Axel lowered his phone, reading the signs, his face lighting up as he read the facts that were placed there. Taking his own phone, he took a photo of Axel, grinning. He slowly made his way over to Axel who was starting to look for more red pandas.
"So I'm gonna go out on a limb here and ask if red pandas are your favorite animal?" Roxas asked leaning up against the glass barrier.
Axel chuckled with a playful shrug. "Yeah, something like that." he said pocketing his phone. "When I was younger, in the town I grew up in, they had this giant Red panda sanctuary. My parents donated to it every year for my birthday because it's all I ever talked about; it was a dream come true." He explained.
Roxas leaned up against Axel, listening to his story. "Have you been there since you moved?" He looked up at his boyfriend.
Axel shook his head, his eyes fixated on the red pandas. "No, my ex and I were always too busy to make the two hour drive to Radiant Garden. Even after we broke up, being a physical therapist takes up a lot of my time. Maybe when I visit my family for Thanksgiving, I'll make a trip there. Walk down memory lane, if you will." He chuckled, wrapping his arms around Roxas.
"I'll miss you." Roxas replied sadly, watching as one red panda scared the other and they started to tumble around.
"Miss me?" Axel questioned.
"I mean, I assume you'll be going by yourself?" Roxas looked up at Axel, who shook his head.
"Nah, my brother has been telling my parents about you, so they're looking forward to meet you, " Axel leaned down and rested his chin on Roxas' head. "That is if you'd like to come with me."
"Of course," Roxas replied with a bright smile.
After the red pandas exhibit, Roxas and Axel made their way around the Zoo stopping at different exhibits that peaked their interests before deciding to find someplace to eat.
Settling on the Rainforest Cafe, they were settled at one of the corner booth, which gave them some privacy, Roxas grabbed out his wallet and slid the pass to Axel.
Axel raised an eyebrow at him before grabbing it and looked at it. "A guest pass?" he looked up at Roxas.
"I asked my boss if I could take you into the room behind the exhibits so I can show you what I do. It's why I asked if red panda's were your favorite animal because we're going to hang out with a couple." he said biting his lip.
Axel leaned back against the seat, stretching his legs and looked at the guest pass. "Seriously Roxas, this is amazing, I can't wait!" he said pocketing the pass.
Roxas grinned as the waitress came over and took their drink orders; Axel ordered a Pepsi, while Roxas ordered a Root Beer.
It was quiet other than the murmur of other patrons at the restaurant as they looked through their menus. Roxas wasn't really all that hungry so he settled on a chicken salad. Axel chose a bacon cheeseburger with fries.
"I went to adopt that Sphynx from that adoption center, but it looks like someone else beat me to it." Roxas said as he fiddled with the straw wrapper.
"Oh?" Axel asked as the waitress placed their drinks in front of them. He hoped the lady whom he had spoke with hadn't told Roxas that Axel had adopted him.
"Yeah, I guess someone came in and adopted him for their significant other. I hope whoever they are takes good care of him. He was so sweet. I was gonna name him Turkey." Roxas pouted as he picked up his drink and took a sip.
Axel gave him a sympathetic smile as he tried to ignore the excitement that rushed through his body, knowing the cat was probably sleeping on his bed. Reaching over the table, he took Roxas' hand and tangled their fingers together, running his thumb over the skin of his hand, in a soothing notion. "I'm sorry babe, I promise another sweet cat will come around." he promised, kissing Roxas' fingers.
Roxas blushed, covering his face with his menu. "Stop it." he said with a shy laugh.
Axel pulled his hand up and pressed another kiss along his fingers, making the blush on Roxas' cheek turn to a scarlet color.
Their waitress returned to take their orders and once she had what they wanted, she walked away.
Roxas sipped on his root beer studying Axel. "So when is your bands next gig?" He asked taking to folding his straw wrapper.
"Hm? Oh, we're performing at that one Goth Bar, what is called? The Pumpkin Head? Yeah, we're performing there. Marluxia knows the owner and they always request that we perform there at least once a month." Axel explained as he looked through the dessert menu.
"Nice." Roxas said softly as he pushed away the anxious feeling in the pit of his stomach. Vanitas used to frequent that bar and if he wanted to keep his state of mind at peace, he would have to skip out on attending this gig.
Axel noticed Roxas' reluctancy but decided against asking him. "I'll get you a copy of our schedule so you can attend one of our other shows." He promised.
They discussed upcoming shows and the out of town physical therapy session he had planned in a month.
"When I'm there I'll ask her if I can bring you next time. She's super sweet and loves having company. She has improved so much since I first started working with her too." Axel explained as he doodles on the paper placemat in front of him.
"I'm excited to meet her. She sounds great. You said her name was Xion?" Roxas asked, doodling on his own paper placemat.
Children, the both of them.
Axel hummed in response as the waitress stopped by and placed their meals on the table and whisked away their glasses so she could provide them with refills.
They both thanked the waitress, before they started to eat. In between bites, playful banter and light conversation was had; mainly about visiting the red pandas.
Once they were both finished; Axel had requested a box for the remainder of his burger, Roxas paid for their meal after much argument from Axel and they made their way back to the Zoo.
"It's right through here." Roxas said sliding his badge through the scanner.
"Make sure to make your pass visible." He turned to Axel and noticed the pass was clipped to his shirt.
Axel raised an eyebrow with a smirk playing on his face. Roxas sighed, giving him an apologetic smile before leading the way. He waved to his co-workers as they passed and lead Axel into the room where they were housing the baby red pandas.
There were three of them and they were all chasing each other and playing.
"They're about 4 months old. We usually wait until they're 6 months old to let them out into the exhibit. We feed them twice a day; once in the morning and once at night. I get to feed them in the morning which is a fun experience," Roxas pointed to a little hand sanitizer dispenser. "We sanitize our hands before interacting since the red pandas could carry something, as can humans that can transfer over, so we like to be on the safe side."
Axel nodded pressing the dispense lever and started rubbing hand sanitizer over his hands. "I'm nervous, what if they don't like me?" He asked jokingly.
Roxas shook his head, punching in his log in code and opening the door, following Axel into the big room.
A majority of the red panda cubs were too busy chasing each other and playing to care that Axel and Roxas were in the room. There was a smaller red panda, most likely what would be considered the 'runt' came running to them, pawing at Axel's leg.
He squatted down and watched as the small red panda rolled around. "Are we allowed to touch them?" he asked looking up at Roxas.
Roxas nodded as he reached down and pet one of the red pandas that started pawing at his shoelace. "We also have apple slices for them if you wanted to hand feed them." he said sitting down on the floor and letting Flora, one of the bigger red pandas climb into his lap.
Axel nodded, as he sat down as well, letting the smallest red panda crawl into his lap and up his chest. "Oh." he laughed running a slow and gentle hand over it's fur. the fur on the top of the red panda's head was soft, but as Axel moved his hand down its back, the fur grew more course; like a horse's tail.
"Oh my God, they're even softer than I expected." he laughed some more as the red panda crawled up onto his shoulder.
Carefully grabbing the red panda, Axel set it in his lap. "Do they all have names?" he asked.
Roxas nodded. "Yeah, the one I have is Flora, that one Hans," he pointed to a panda that was busy playing with a ball in the back corner. "The one you're holding is uh...Akuseru." his cheeks flushed as he ran a hand over Flora's back.
Axel looked at Roxas confused as to why he was so embarrassed. Roxas refused to meet his eyes and looked down at the red panda that was in his lap.
"Akuseru is Axel in Japanese." he whispered.
Axel's mouth dropped and before he could stop himself, he started to laugh. "Roxas, you so fucking cute." he said picking up the red panda. "Akuseru." he said another chuckle building in the back of his throat before he gently placed the red panda back on his lap.
One of the red pandas scampered across the room, scaring it's brother and they tumbled around, playing and jumping on each other. "You said something about apple slices?" he asked looking at Roxas.
"Yeah, lemme go grab them, we usually store them in here, but I think they moved them to the big fridge in the other room." Roxas got up and headed out, making sure none of the cubs tried to get out.
Axel watched over the red pandas as they chased each other around the room and played. He brought his knees to his chest and rested his chin on his arms, eyes scanning the room, taking in his surroundings since he was focusing on Roxas.
Posters about red pandas and other creatures lined the wall. Most of the posters were facts about red pandas. Papers hung above the desk in the corner that recorded the feeding schedule as well as other important things like vet visits and who was watching the cubs during the week.
Flora came bounding over to Axel, standing on her hind legs and pawing at his arm. He reached over and scratched behind her ear and chuckled. "Hi." he said grabbing the ball she started to eye and rolled it across the room. The red panda chased after it, flipping over once she got it.
"Hey, got the apples." Roxas said as he walked into the room and held the bowl out for Axel.
Grabbing a few slices, Axel chuckled as the red panda cubs came galloping to him all excited to see that he had apple slices.
"So I just give them the apple slices whole, or do I snap them in half?" he asked looking up at Roxas. "They can have them whole, I made sure to slice them so they weren't too thick." Roxas leaned down and picked up Akuseru and handed him a slice.
Axel nodded holding out apple slices to the remaining two cubs. He watched as the cubs munched on their treats and felt Roxas sit next to him, the bowl of apples in his hands. Setting it on his lap Roxas leaned over and rested his head on Axel's shoulders.
"This is the best date I have been on in a long time. Seriously, I could die happy right now." Axel rested his head against the top of Roxas' head as he reached over and grabbed some more apple slices.
Roxas chuckled and pressed a kiss to Axel's cheek. "No dying, I've grown to kind of like you." he handed an apple slice to Hans.
Once the apple slices were gone and the red panda cups had curled up in a pile to take a nap, Axel stood up and helped Roxas up to his feet. "You ready to head out?" he asked dusting his clothes off, making sure there were no remaining red panda fur.
"Yeah." Roxas grabbed the bowl with hand and grabbed Axel's hand in the other and lead them out of the room.
Once everything was put back in its place, they headed back to Axel's Hyundai Accent and started on the journey home.
"What are your plans for tomorrow?" Axel asked as he drove them to Roxas' apartment, music playing at a low volume.
Roxas was looking out the window, watching the scenery go by. "Studying. Finals is in two weeks and even though I've done well in my classes, I'm still nervous. These are the last finals I will ever have to take. My dream is on the line, ya know? Man. I'm so scared that I'm gonna fail." He sighed.
Axel reached over and grabbed his hand, giving it a squeeze. "You're going to do fine. You're gonna go into that test and its gonna be like second nature. I have no doubt in my mind." He brought Roxas' hand to his mouth and pressed a kiss to his knuckles before resting their hands on his thigh. The nervousness didn't wash away completely, but Roxas did feel more reassured than before.
A comfortable silence fell over them as they drove back to Roxas' apartment with the only sound being the hushed acoustics of their radio.
"Seriously Roxas, this was amazing, I really enjoyed myself. I don't think I can explain how amazing today has been. Seeing red pandas, no, getting to hold and feed apples to red pandas has been the best date I've ever had. I can't even begin to thank you." Axel leaned down, capturing Roxas' lips in a kiss, grinning wide when he pulled away.
Roxas licked his lips before speaking. "I'm glad I could do this for you. We should do this again. There's an aquarium just outside of Sunset Terrace. It's beautiful and you can touch a sea cucumber!"
Axel suppressed a laugh and nodded. "Sounds like a date."
Pulling up behind Roxas' car, Axel put his own car into park and they both climbed out, doors shut behind them.
Leaning up against the car, Roxas grinned as he wrapped his arms around Axel's waist and rested his cheek against his boyfriend's chest. His heart started to race and he swore he felt warmer than usual when Axel pressed a kiss to his hair, but in a good way.
No, this feeling was different, it made him feel like he was alive for the first time in a long time.