14

JAX IS REALLY ALIVE

Chapter 10 Recap

Jax knocks on Tara's door and when she doesn't answer, he asks Cas for Tara's location. Cas tells Jax she's in Ryland's room and she normally spends the night hours there. Instead of becoming angry and pounding on Ryland's door, Jax goes down to the gym and runs on the treadmill until he collapses.

The next morning, Jax tells Ryland that he intends to win Tara back. Ryland tells that he's a rival, not an enemy.

Tara tells Ryland that she's talked to Donna and she's seriously ill with mysterious bleeding. He arranges for blood to get to Donna and he leaves to help save Donna.

Jax comes to terms with bringing out the alien side. He knows it's the only way he can have a life free from being hunted by law enforcement and SAMCRO.

Tara prepares a lethal injection and lays down with him while he dies.

Charming has been the site of medical experiments by an alien race. When women were pregnant, they also got another embryo implanted in them. Only a single baby was born. When one died, the baby came back to life as an alien/human hybrid. Being a hybrid gives them more physical strength and a longer life span. Humans detect the alien, but their brains are tricked into thinking the hybrid looks a lot like the person, but it isn't the person. Gemma and Tara's mother were both implanted with embryos.

Jax agrees to the conversion process because it's the only way he can have a life free from being hunted by law enforcement and SAMCRO.

Ryland is an alien doctor who took care of Tara when she returned to life. He's provided support and comfort to her. She's told Jax that she loves Ryland, but isn't in love with him and, at this point in her life, living a drama free life has great appeal to her.

There is also a computer that runs the retreat where Tara brought Jax. Her name is Cas and she speaks with Tara's voice.

Jax is just waking up from death.

Chapter 11 What Do You Mean You Forgot?

Jax woke with a start. He looked around. The room was just as he remembered it. Tara was sleeping on her side facing him. She looked exactly as she always looked. She didn't look like the Tara that had stopped time and saved him from plowing into the big rig on his bike. Now that he had the real Tara back, everything would work out.

Other than feeling a little more energetic, he didn't feel any different. Maybe the alien conversion hadn't worked on him and he was still all human. He was disappointed. He wanted the conversion to work so he could return to life without being hunted.

Tara sat up and rubbed her eyes.

"How long have you been awake?"

"Just a few minutes. I don't feel any different. Maybe the conversion didn't work."

"If the conversion hadn't worked, you would still be dead. I know you were dead. The conversion took almost fourteen hours. It's never taken that long before. I called Ryland for help, but there wasn't anything to do. Your body had to heal itself."

"What happened with you? When you died? Did you go somewhere?"

Tara laid back down, head on the pillow. She stared at the ceiling remembering.

"Gemma had this crazed look in her eyes when she attacked me. I tried to fight her off, but she was so strong. Everything went black and then the next thing I knew, I was in this light. It wasn't a tunnel. I don't think I saw walls or windows. There was a guy there, but I didn't see him. He talked to me in my head. Telepathy. That's how I talked to him too. He asked me to tell him the biggest influence in my life. I talked about you beginning with when I moved to Charming and ending with my murder."

"Where do you think you were?"

"You mean was I in Heaven or Hell?" Tara frowned. "I don't think it was a bad place. I don't know if I had a body. I don't remember moving my legs or my arms. I wasn't blind because I could see the whiteness of the place where I was. As I was telling him my life, I knew things that I didn't know before and I could remember details I thought I'd forgotten."

"What happened when you came back?"

"I was telling him about my death and then I felt this yanking sensation and I woke up downstairs in the medical unit. As I was being pulled away, the guy told me that I would be back and it was OK for me to go."

"Who do you think the guy was?"

"I don't know, but there was this great kindness in him. As I told him about my life, I saw things more clearly. I had this great sense of peace and renewal when I came back. That was until I saw what was happening with you and our boys."

"Ryland made a point of telling me about your reactions to some of my more violent actions."

"I need a drink. You want a beer?"

"Yeah, I've got to admit the Paralorns have great taste in beer."

Tara got up, grabbed and opened two bottles of beer from the refrigerator and handed one to Jax before she returned to sit on the couch that was still made into a bed.

"What happened to you?"

"I fell asleep. Just as I drifted off, I thought about what if I went to Hell for all the bad shit I've done."

"Didn't you think about that before attempting to plow your bike into a truck?"

Jax flashed her a rueful grin.

"I wasn't thinking all that straight then and I didn't have a choice."

"Where did you go?" Tara prompted before taking a long pull from her beer bottle.

"It was the same as you. I fell asleep and then suddenly I was in this bright white place. I thought if you went anywhere after death, I'd go to Hell for sure, but this place didn't look like Hell. I got that peaceful feeling," Jax paused and finished his beer.

Tara got up, took their beer bottles out to the kitchen and disposed of them. She grabbed two more bottles and opened them.

"I will instruct the robots to make more beer tonight," Cas said.

"She always sounds so important when she says she instructs robots," Tara whispered to Jax as she handed him a new bottle of beer.

"My job is important," Cas said. "I instruct robots."

They both laughed.

"I've seen TV shows, ironically while I was in prison, about near death experiences. When people go to Hell, they describe torment and people screaming. This wasn't like that. It was like you described. White light all around. There was a guy there too only I didn't see him either and he used telepathy. I don't know how the hell I ended up in the same place as you."

"You recognized your mistakes. I heard what you said to Nero in the TM office about being a bad guy, killer and a criminal and you didn't want your boys to grow up like you. You recognized your wrongs and you tried to right as many of them as you could. That has to count for something."

"I don't know. Maybe we were in the sorting room. I had the same experience you did. I knew things I hadn't known at the time and I recalled details that I thought I'd forgotten."

"What did you talk about? SAMCRO?"

"Yeah, it was all about SAMCRO. I'm not blaming them. I was the one that joined them. I was the one who did the bad shit."

"You were brought up in that culture. Your father was a founding member. It would have been difficult for you to have managed to stay clear of the MC especially with Gemma telling you that you were supposed to be the president and follow in your father's footsteps."

"That's true, but I had a choice. It wasn't until you told me that SAMCRO was the link to every bad thing that had happened to me, that I came to that realization."

Jax finished his beer, grabbed Tara's empty bottle and got rid of them in the kitchen.

"You want another?"

"No, I'm good."

"I'm having another. It's not every day that you die."

Tara laid down on the bed, propping up head with her arm.

"Do I look like Tara now? Or do I still look off?"

Jax sat on the other side of the bed and watched Tara for a moment.

"You are Tara. The real one."

"My appearance hasn't change."

"It doesn't matter. You look like Tara to me now."

"It still doesn't make sense to me. Maybe it's a rare thing and that's why there's no record of it ever happening to someone before. I hate mysteries."

"You felt like Tara, you just didn't look like her."

"So, what happened when you discussed SAMCRO?"

"In the outlaw world, there's this assumed risk. You could die or get hurt. That's the price you may have to pay when you are in that world. What I didn't think too much about were the innocents down the line that got hurt. I didn't think about the kids who lost fathers. Maybe if I had I thought about death beyond the person I killed, I would have realized the outlaw life was wrong."

Jax shook his head and looked down at the couch/bed. He knew he had to tell Tara this next part, but he was afraid of how vulnerable and emotionally raw it would leave him. He finished his beer. He had put it off as long as possible and he had to tell her.

"When I was talking about the events—about you getting arrested, how you didn't want me to visit you—that whole drama—I had to admit that . . . " Jax broke off. He stared at the couch

"I had to admit that I didn't take your arrest seriously. Even when Loen told me it could be bad for you, I didn't believe it. I thought you were overreacting. I thought you would get a deal to reduce the charge to a misdemeanor and you would get probation. I always tried to protect you from the harsh part of MC life. This time I didn't. Part of it was I was angry that you wouldn't see me when you were in jail, part of it was I thought you were overreacting and part of it was not wanting to take responsibility for what I had done to you. You were in that prison with Otto because you were trying to help me and the club break RICO. The blame of that weighed on me. Maybe that was why I didn't want to believe how serious the charges were against you. I couldn't face what I had done to you and your career.

"I felt the pain you felt when you got arrested. I felt your humiliation. I felt your desperation. It may have been all bright lights and this calm, kind voice in my head, but I was in Hell.

"Even the past times I hurt you, I felt. When I had sex with Ima after Abel was kidnapped, I knew the best thing for you was to be out of my life, for you to get the hell out of Charming and never come back. I was trying to get you to break up with me because I would never have had the strength. That was the only way the break up would stick. I needed you to do it and leave town."

Tara studied Jax's face. She knew that face well, but now he almost seemed like a stranger. She had seen emotion on Jax's face, just not like this.

"I have no excuse for Colette. I felt like I was in a graveyard spiral of stupid behavior and I couldn't figure out how to get out. I focused on SAMCRO because it was familiar territory. It was what I knew. It was the one thing I felt competent at."

"I don't get why you suddenly had to screw a whore. I told you that cheating was a deal breaker for me."

Jax's jaw tightened and he looked down at the couch again because he couldn't stand to see the pain in her eyes.

"I think on some level, I wanted you to break up with me. I wanted you to divorce me. In the deep recesses of my mind, I knew you were better off without me. You think I loved SAMCRO more than you, that I would pick SAMCRO over you," Jax paused. He shut his eyes because he couldn't stand to see her face.

"That was true until the kids, until I did the prison stretch. I wanted to leave and have a life as a family. When everything went down with Clay, I wanted to stay. Deep down, I wasn't sure I wanted to leave the MC. I wanted to lead SAMCRO in a better less outlaw direction. If I had really wanted to break RICO, I would have worked on finding Lincoln Potter's present day source. It would have taken me about thirty seconds to figure out it was Juice. I wanted to have it all—a wife, a family and an MC. And because I am Jax fucking Teller, I thought I could have it all," Jax's voice was filled with self-loathing. He opened his eyes, but he still couldn't look at Tara.

"Since we've been here in Meg's bunker, every time you bring up cheating, or how you felt I abandoned you I've sort of tuned you out. I didn't want to hear it. Hey, I can't do anything about the past, let's just move on. I've apologized. When I was talking to that guy, he made me understand that you can't move past it because you know that I don't get it. I didn't understand what I put you through. That's why you couldn't put it behind you. That's why you keep bringing it up to me. You knew I didn't get it."

Jax shut his eyes again. He had to tell her this next part and it was going to be agonizing.

"He made me feel what you felt. I felt what it was like to be abandoned. I felt how you felt when you discovered me with Colette. I felt your desperation to get our kids to safety." Jax shook his head and put his hands over his face. "I felt your terror when you saw me at the park." He dropped his hands from his face. "I felt your fear that Gemma would destroy our boys. That kind, gentle voice made me tell him my darkest secrets and he made me feel all the pain I caused you. I get it now. I know I hurt you and I know how you felt. It wasn't just me guessing how you felt. He made me feel all your actual emotions.

"I understand why you are having such a tough time moving past all this. You needed to know that I finally I get it. Now that I've felt what I put you through, I swear to you, I will never abandon you again. I will never cheat on you again. I am going to be the kind of husband you deserve. And I am completely done with SAMCRO."

"I don't know what to say."

"What you mean is you aren't sure I'm going to change and I've got to prove it to you over time."

"And even if you do, I'm not sure I want to get back together with you."

Jax nodded. "That's fair. Just give me a chance."

"I can do that," she said softly.

Jax stretched out on the couch bed on his stomach.

"There was just one last thing," he said. He scooted over to her and touched her cheek gently with his finger tips. "That feeling of being reborn extends to you. I feel like I did back when we first got together. I am falling in love with you all over again."

"Jax," she whispered. "I'm not sure how I feel."

"It's OK. I won your heart once, I'll do it again," Jax said. The confident Jax Teller was back.

He brushed her cheek lightly with his fingertips.

"Remember when we first got together how much time we spent just kissing?"

"I remember."

He gathered her into his arms and kissed her softly and tenderly the way he used to when they first crossed from friends to more.

"We have a chance," Tara whispered.

"Ryland is five minutes away," Cas announced.

Tara pulled away from Jax.

"Don't want him to see us kiss?" Jax asked.

"He doesn't need any tutorials. He isn't jealous and he is OK with whatever I need to do to decide what I want to do about my romantic future. He just doesn't need to see us kiss."

Tara grabbed the pillows and the blanket and put them away and instructed Cas to change the bed back to a couch.

Ryland walked in, looking tired. He had dark shadows under his eyes, but his face lit up when he saw Tara.

Jax noticed the way Ryland looked at Tara, visually checking her over to make sure she was OK. He may not like Ryland, but the man definitely had love for Tara. He could count on him to watch out for her.

Ryland hugged Tara and smiled at her.

"You helped us save Donna. The blood you got from Canada made a big difference."

"The hybrids in Canada were great. They didn't even hesitate when I asked them to donate more blood by being put into comas."

"I'm glad you didn't listen when I told you I didn't think we needed more blood.

"I never listen to men," Tara grinned. "Just ask Jax."

"It's good to see you're alive again," Ryland said to Jax. "You had Tara worried."

"Tara told me no one's ever been dead as long."

"There's always a first time. We just don't have enough hybrids to come up with more than generalizations."

"Did Donna lose the baby?"

Ryland nodded.

"Once she lost the baby, the mysterious bleeding quit. Annie's got a lot of samples to run tests on. We don't know why she started bleeding. Two hybrids have never had a child together. We think the body recognized there were problems with the fetus and it was trying to remove the fetus, only it didn't know how. It triggered bleeding in different areas trying to get the fetus out. When it finally figured out where it needed to bleed to expel the fetus, it ended all the other bleeding."

"From a medical perspective, you would think the body would know how to remove a fetus with development problems, but with hybrids and this being the first time a pregnancy has been attempted with two hybrids, it could be possible," Tara said.

"Donna and Opie are determined to have another child if it's safe. When she's ready to try again, we'll use IVF, so we can screen out any defective embryos."

"Do you think it's possible that two hybrids can't have a child? Two Paralorns can't have a child," Tara said.

"That's what we're afraid of. When the Paralorns miscarried, it didn't begin with bleeding in other areas of the body. That gives us hope that Donna will be able to carry a baby to term."

"Is Opie out of his coma?" Jax asked.

"He was just waking up when I left."

"I'm going to grab some sleep," Ryland said.

"Now, that you've changed, you can go outside. You want to go on a walk? The sunrises are spectacular here." Tara said, turning to face Jax.

"It will be good to get outside."

Jax grabbed a dark blue hoodie from his closet. Tara pulled on a red jacket and they left.

Tara had a flashlight and she led the way through pine trees until she came to an outcrop of rocks with a sliver of a view of a lake.

"It's nice here," Tara said and sat down on a large rock.

"At least I don't feel like a prisoner anymore."

"What happened before you woke up? Did you have that same feeling I did that you were being yanked away from that place?"

Jax nodded.

"Yes. I had just told him about heading my bike into the truck."

"I think that's what determines how long someone is dead. I think whatever it is we say, we can't go into this hybrid life until we've finished telling our story. Once you reach the end, that triggers waking up. We used to think that it varied by the severity of the injury, but I was reading over reports while I was waiting for you to wake up and I think that's the link."

"I guess that makes sense."

"Remember you told me you would never cheat on me again."

"Of course."

"Did you mean it?"

"Yes. I felt how it made you feel. I don't want you to feel that way again. I don't ever want to hurt you again."

Tara looked down at her hands. She studied the sun beginning to paint the horizon in reds and oranges.

"What is it? You can tell me," Jax said.

"I kind of forgot to tell you something about when you change."

"Something to tell me?"

"Yeah. I mean, it may be the sample size is too small or there's some other underlying reason we haven't discovered."

"Just tell me."

"Well, it appears that hybrids can't have sex with anyone except other hybrids or a Paralorn."

"What about human women?" Jax asked. He couldn't believe what he thought he heard her say.

"No."

"The parts still fit."

"The parts still fit, but it's an equipment failure issue. No hybrid has ever been able to get an erection with a human. Dolls and porn, but no actual human to hybrid contact."

"Come on, Tara. This is a joke, right. Right? Tara?"

NEXT UP Just the Facts Jax