11

Jax Is Really Alive

Chapter 11 Recap

Jax goes through the conversion process and becomes an alien hybrid like Tara. While he was dead, he was somewhere with bright white light and a man was talking to him through telepathy. That gentle voice made Jax tell him his darkest secrets and he made Jax feel every scrap of pain he caused Tara to feel due to his behavior. For the first time, Jax gets it. He feels her pain. He knows how much his cheating hurt her and how his abandonment when she was arrested for murder caused her make a crazy plan trying to save their boys from Gemma.

Jax tells her that he didn't understand how deeply he had hurt her. He wants another chance. Tara tells him they might have a chance, but she makes no promises to him.

Ryland returns to the retreat and shares the news that Donna lost the baby she and Opie were expecting. Despite coming close to death, Donna and Opie want to try again to have a baby if it's safe.

For the first time, Jax is allowed outside the retreat since he can no longer be recognized by humans as Jax Teller. Tara has forgotten to tell Jax one crucial piece of information. Hybrid males can't have sex with humans. Jax is hoping that Tara is joking.

Chapter 12 Bitch Slapped By Reality

Tara left Jax so he could have some time to come to terms with what she told him. She left the flashlight and told him if he got lost, all he needed to do was wave his arms and shout "Cas" and Cas would send a beam of white light and a siren sound to guide him back to the retreat. This became necessary because the first time she went for a walk, she'd gotten so lost, it took Ryland two hours to find her.

Jax sat on the rock and watched as darkness fell. He was struck by the quiet. No traffic sounds and no sirens. In Charming, from the time he was a child, every time he heard a siren he wondered if someone from the MC were dead or injured.

Back then, some of the guys were trying to invent a game that could be played on motorcycles the way polo is played on horses. They finally came up with a variation of paintball played on motorcycles, but there were too many accidents. It did help the Sons with their marksmanship though.

He was avoiding thinking about what Tara told him—that he could never have sex with a human again. He would stay faithful to Tara. That was a choice that came from his love for her. He just didn't like feeling that it was forced on him.

He wasn't sure if Tara really forgot to tell him or if she deliberately failed to tell him so he would have the conversion. It didn't matter. He had to have the conversion or he would spend the rest of his life being hunted. That was no kind of life.

What if Tara died or was killed? What was he going to do about sex then? Going without wasn't an option. Jax Teller could not go without sex. The world would come to an end. Already, he was feeling all kinds of tension that he needed relieved.

He shook his head and laughed at himself. He was pathetic. A lot of his behavior had been fueled by sex. Worse, he never saw the women he was with as people. He never thought about how they felt when he discarded them and went on to the next. To him, they were just stand-ins for Tara to be used and forgotten.

They saw him as this prize. He was Jax Teller, MC stud and badass. That's who they wanted and that's who they got. Just as he wasn't interested in knowing them, they really weren't interested in knowing him.

Now, since he'd had the alien conversion, he didn't know who the hell he was anymore. His identity had been so tied up with the MC. Who the hell was Jax Teller? It suddenly hit him; he wasn't Jax Teller anymore. He had surrendered his identity when he had the conversion.

Tara warned him that after the conversion process, he might look back on his life with a different attitude. He didn't really understand what she meant, he was still thinking about never being able to have sex with a human again. He was now beginning to understand what she meant. He was looking at his life through new eyes.

He didn't want to think about who he was going to be or what he was going to do with his life. At least not yet. In the near future, he needed to get back together with Tara. Everything else would fall into place.

He hadn't planned on falling in love with Tara back in high school. He remembered back to the day she was assigned as his lab partner. She had been so annoyed when he asked her if she were smart. She had been amazing when she killed and cut up the frog. All the other girls were screaming or leaving the room. Not Tara. She was so skilled the way she made neat precise cuts. He got his first ever "A" on a lab thanks to her.

When he saw her walking around later that day after school, he stopped and talked to her. As she told him about her aunt's death and her father leaving her alone, he had felt this desire to fix her. He wanted to take care of her. She had taken care of him during the lab. (This is Jax's side to Chapter 1 of Tara's Story)

He kept picturing her being alone in that house dealing with the death of the only person in the world that she loved. He felt this overpowering need to be with her and make sure she was OK. It wasn't a choice; he felt he had to be with her. That had been the most amazing weekend.

He enjoyed being with her. It was a new experience for him. Until Tara, he thought of girls as recreation. She was the first and only girl he enjoyed spending time with just talking.

Tara was the reason he was close to drug free when she left town. She didn't want to mess up her brain with drugs and he followed her example. Once she left town, he tried to drown himself with weed and pussy—anything to blunt the harshness of a reality without her. It took some of the edge off, but the pain was always there haunting him.

If he had been stronger, if he hadn't loved the MC so much, he would have left town with Tara, but she was right. He had loved SAMCRO more. That was all in the past. His eyes were open now and he saw the world as it was and not his mother's twisted version.

She never wanted him to have one girlfriend. She encouraged to date as many girls as possible. His popularity with girls reflected well on her. She just didn't want him to date one girl exclusively. He thought she was jealous, that she had this strange obsession with him. He had told himself that he was a terrible son to have such thoughts. Now, it was all so much clearer. Gemma wanted to be the only woman he loved. It was sick and twisted, but it was the truth.

She had been right there, encouraging him to soothe his heartbreak with weed and croweaters. It wasn't until he and Tara got back together did the pain finally go away. Even then, he still loved SAMCRO more.

Gemma had drilled into his head that the MC was his birthright and his destiny and that was more important than any woman. It was his father's legacy, it was his legacy and someday she thought it would be Abel's.

He remembered reading Macbeth in high school and the teacher talked about how she was this great villain. Lady Macbeth wasn't a great villain. She had felt remorse and guilt—emotions his mother never felt.

He shoved all thoughts of his mother out of his mind. He learned the only way to stay sane was to compartmentalize things and he wasn't ready to think about Gemma anymore tonight. That was all in the past.

When he returned inside, he found Tara sitting on the couch working on a laptop.

"How are you doing?" she asked.

"Adjusting," he said.

"I need to help Ry with some medical research, but I need to talk to you first. Have you looked in the desk in your room?"

He shook his head and took a seat at the counter.

Tara got up and grabbed them each a beer from the fridge. She sat down next to him.

"Why do I get the feeling you are going to give me bad news?"

Tara looked at him and he could see the concern on her face.

"It's not bad news. It's just info."

"I hope it's not going to top the 'I can't have sex with humans anymore you delivered earlier'."

He looked into her eyes and really saw her. She had always treated him with kindness. She thought of others. His heart recognized that she was the only woman for him. She was the only woman he would ever love.

"What?" she asked.

"I feel like I'm seeing you for who you are. I don't know why I feel that way now."

Tara brushed his cheek with her fingertips and smiled.

"It's the conversion. Your emotions need a little time to settle down."

"So, break the news to me, doc."

"In my father's—my house, I had a copy of your father's manuscript. It's here now in the desk in your room."

"I don't want it."

Tara nodded and bit her lip.

"OK, don't get mad, but one night about a week and a half before you tried to drive your motorcycle into a big rig, I stopped time. Skeeter, Angela and I went into your house."

"Who the hell is Angela?"

"Skeeter's girlfriend. She's a full-born came over on the spaceship alien. She realized she was in love with him when they were doing karaoke at Romano's pizza place. He sang the Rolling Stones' song 'Angie'. They're getting married."

"You are killing me with suspense. Just say it."

"We copied all the things that you had written."

"Everything?"

Tara nodded.

"Why?" Jax said. His voice was even and controlled, surprising even himself.

"I needed to know what was going on with you. With the tech they have to copy the stuff, it only took a few minutes. All we had to do was . . ."

"Just tell me."

"When Skeeter reached into the drawer of your father's old desk where you kept all of your writings, he noticed something about the drawer that seemed odd. He discovered it had a false bottom kind of like the one in your kitchen. I couldn't stop time longer, so we grabbed the stuff and brought it here."

Jax downed his beer.

Tara got up and went to the refrigerator. She got a glass, added ice and poured in an indigo colored liquid from a pitcher.

She put it in front of him.

"This tastes great and it will take a lot of the edge off. I'd join you, but I have to help in the medical unit."

Jax took several sips.

"I probably should have had this before you told me about not being able to have sex with humans anymore."

"That would have been a better plan."

Jax took several sips of the drink.

"There was a long envelope in the drawer. It contained divorce papers. They were dated the day before your father's death. He had signed them, but I don't think Rosen had time to file them."

"Do you think Gemma knew?"

Tara shrugged. "I have no idea."

"What else?"

"There was a sealed envelope that was addressed to Maureen Ashby. It was sealed with postage, all he needed to do was mail it. I opened it. The letter had a copy of the divorce papers. He told her that he was divorcing Gemma and he wanted them to be together. He said they could raise you and Trinity together as a real family. He thought that in less than a year he would have everything all worked out."

"It doesn't surprise me that he would prefer Maureen Ashby to Gemma. Maureen's a warm, caring person. I'm not that surprised about the divorce. Near the end, there was this weird tension between JT and Gemma."

"In the letters Maureen Ashby sent here that I found, Gemma took out some of them before she gave them to you. She didn't want you to know your father suspected that Clay and Gemma were plotting to kill him. Clay sent him into a Mayan ambush that he managed to survive. His bike had also been tampered with."

Tara paused and took Jax's drink. She took a couple of sips before returning it.

"That bad, huh?"

"I'm not sure how you'll react. Before you got out of prison, I pulled the police report on your father's accident. I tried to find the truck driver. I hired a private investigator. The driver doesn't exist. Normally, the police officer would have run the truck driver's info through the system. Unser had to have known that the ID was fake or he wrote down a fake name. I think Unser also lied on the police report. I don't think your father drove into a big rig or the motorcycle malfunctioned. The truck drove into him."

"It was a hit."

Tara nodded. "I think so."

"I'm glad I killed him now," Jax said wryly.

Tara laughed.

"That's horrible."

"You think Gemma, Clay and Unser conspired to kill him?"

"There may be a few more names on the suspect list. There was a binder underneath the divorce papers and letter to Maureen Ashby. It contains your father's future plans for the MC."

"I thought he was going to leave the MC."

"You need to read what's in the binder."

Tara slid off the barstool and stood up.

"I have to go help Ry. You know how to order food and if you need anything just ask Cas because she instructs robots." Tara smiled.

Jax stood up and pulled her slowly into his arms.

"Thank you."

"For what?" she asked.

"For being you. I never appreciated you and all that you did and all that you keep doing."

"It's the conversion. You're not mad at me for snooping?"

He shook his head.

"No, I'm glad you made copies. I can use them to help me steer a better path this time."

"What about the stuff about your father?"

"Whatever I find out, I find out. I'll figure it out."

He leaned forward and lightly brushed his lips against hers before releasing her.

"I hope you appreciate my self-control. You have no idea how much I want you."

"Want me or want sex?"

"You and only you."

She grinned at him.

"You still have the smooth Jax Teller way with words."

"Did it work?"

"I have to get to work."

Jax went back to the counter and ordered a cheeseburger and fries before finishing his drink. He poured himself another drink. Leave it the Paralorns to come up with a beverage better than alcohol.

He tried to digest Tara's information about his father. He wondered if he ever knew him. Finding out JT was planning to divorce Gemma only elevated him in his eyes. At least his father was trying to make good changes in his life.

After he finished his food, he went into his room, taking another glass of the indigo liquid with him.

The information he read matched what Tara told him. He drummed his fingers on the binder cover wondering what kind of information it held. What would he think of his father after he read it?

As he flipped open the cover, his eyes widened in surprise. JT's plan for the MC was to destroy it.

Jax sat at his desk and read every one of his father's words. There was a list of every person the Sons killed or had someone kill. Next was an even longer list of all their illegal activities.

His father explained that when the club was originally founded they wanted it to be outlaw because they wanted to be free of society's rules. Somehow, that had gotten turned into a club that was about nothing but criminal business activities. It was the Mafia on motorcycles.

He could no longer bear the weight of all the people they had killed in the past and he couldn't have a future that would involve more killing. He planned on bringing up the subject with SAMCRO at a special meeting. He would give them a choice to either disband SAMCRO or he would crush it using all of their crimes to lock them all up even if it meant he would have to go to prison. He wanted SAMCRO out of Charming and its people freed from its hold.

There were a few hastily scribbled words. JT had delivered his ultimatum to a full table with the exception of Piney who was in the hospital with some injuries from a motorcycle accident.

His last words written in a now faded black marker:

If I live, SAMCRO dies

If I die, SAMCRO lives

Gemma and Clay didn't kill JT. The entire club was responsible for his father's death. He wasn't the first Teller to get a Mayhem vote.