20

Jax Is Really Alive

Chapter 17 WTF!

Jax was not going to fall apart over the news that his sons were missing. Give the devil his due. As bad as Clay turned out to be, he had been a tower of strength when Abel was kidnapped. It was Clay that laid it out for him at Half-Sack's wake, telling him that either Abel was dead and he was going to get revenge or Abel was alive and he would do anything to get him back and he needed to make a choice. (SOA Season 3, first episode)

He spent that night in Charming's jail because he almost beat to death one of the men responsible for the drive-by shooting at Half-Sack's wake, resulting in the deaths of Hale and a little boy and the wounding of many, including Chuckie. By morning, he knew revenge wasn't important. The only thing that mattered was getting Abel back.

Abel's kidnapping had hit him hard because kids and old ladies were off limits. There was an outlaw code that made family and innocents or civilians off limits. Part of that was the noble belief that they hadn't signed up for the outlaw life. It was actually more practical. If outlaws killed innocents, it would draw too much law enforcement heat. Law enforcement largely turned a blind eye to outlaw on outlaw violence.

When Cam had a problem with him or SAMCRO, he should have handled it face to face, the way real men handled beefs. Only a pussy would take a baby and run away.

Whoever took his kids, would never take anyone else's kids again because he was going to kill that person or persons. He thought he had left the violence he had known most of his life behind when he got this second chance at life. It was following him into his new life.

He would not run from it or hesitate to kill. Sometimes, violence was the only way. Sometimes, people just needed killing. That was the harsh, brutal truth that all the pussies who were against the death penalty needed to face.

Tara told him how much it had hurt her to watch him fall apart after she died. He remembered her telling him that she had taken pills and thought about ending her life because she couldn't bear watching him spin more and more out of control. That weak sniveling Jax was gone. He got her message loud and clear. She needed him to be strong. That's exactly who he was now, strong, tough and ruthless when the situation demanded it and this situation demanded it, but not at that very second.

For now, his priority was offering comfort to Tara. The best way was to hold her in his arms and then provide additional comfort as needed. If necessary, he was prepared to provide full comfort to her, which would require full body contact and an exchange of fluids. While technically sex, he thought of it more as fully comforting Tara in her time of need. He would enjoy it because it was sex, but the main purpose was to merge their bodies and pour some of his strength into her.

OK, who the hell was he trying to fool? He just wanted to have sex because it felt good and finding out your sons are missing makes you want to do something to feel better. Sex, drugs and alcohol were the best options to make them feel better. They couldn't do anything to find the boys while they were trapped in this bunker without a car or access to outside communications and that wasn't counting the torrential rains and flash floods that made the roads impassable.

He checked out Tara and was not encouraged. She had her arms crossed over her chest in a clear gesture of no contact. She appeared calm, but that didn't mean anything. Tara kept her emotions on the inside. It had taken him awhile to understand that.

"I'm going to get dressed and then I want you to tell me everything. I'll meet you in the living room."

Jax left her room. He knew that she needed a few minutes to herself to think through what he had just told her.

When Tara walked into the kitchen, Jax noticed she was deathly pale, but otherwise, she looked normal. He also noticed how well her jeans molded to her body and the buttons on her purple shirt looked like she needed to undo a few because she might be choking.

"I'm getting some indigo. Do you want something?"

"It's a little early for a drink."

"Jax, we're both part alien from another planet and our kids have been kidnapped. We're beyond rules."

"Good point. I'll have a beer."

Tara poured herself a tall glass of indigo with shaking hands. She grabbed a beer and gave it to Jax, before she sat down next to him on the couch.

"Are you OK?" Jax asked.

"Not even close. Tell me everything from the very beginning from the time you got Hale's call."

"I was sleeping when Cas told me she had Hale on screen for me. The screen came down from the ceiling. We talked a little about being alive again. I think he was just making small talk before he hit me with the point of his call."

Jax didn't tell Tara the whole beginning of the conversation. Hale had prepared him for the bad news and told him that he needed to be strong for Tara because she was more emotionally fragile than she would ever admit.

"Did he say why he called you instead of me?"

"I figured it was because most of the bad news had to do with me."

"Or he wanted to tell you something bad to keep from me."

"If I didn't know you, I might try to keep back some information, but I know you too well to try to do that. I know you do better when you know the facts even if they are bad because, if left to your imagination, you will imagine the worst."

"That's true," she admitted. "So why is Nero on the run from the cops and his crew?"

"Nero got tipped off there was an arrest warrant out for him for the murders of two of his Byz Lat crew. His crew got tipped off too, probably from the same source. Now, what remains of his crew are looking to kill him while the cops are looking to arrest him."

"Why would Nero kill two of his crew?'

"When the Galindo cartel scooped me up for a talk, Nero thought his Byz Lats took me. This was right after Diosa got raided by the cops. His crew blamed that blonde out of town whore and wanted to kill her. Nero asked us to get to her before his guys, so he could get her out of town. Chibs and I got her, his guys chased us and it almost ended in a hood shootout."

"This is the first time I've heard this."

Jax couldn't help smiling at the "wife" tone in her voice. Her voice had the annoyed, reproachful tone she always used when he was filling her in on information he'd thought it better not to share and then later had to fill her in on. It made him feel like they were truly a couple—still.

"I think I forgot to tell you about the hood shootout part. I told you I went down a little. My jeans got ripped."

"I remember the time you went down now and you definitely didn't tell me about the hood shootout part," she said, this time with more annoyance in her voice.

"While I was with the Galindo cartel, Nero confronted two of his crew at their house. They denied taking me and he killed them. One of the guy's baby mamas was in a back bedroom trying to get their baby to take a nap. She heard Nero come in, accuse them of kidnapping me and then she heard gunshots. She took the baby and hid in a closet. She's basically been homeless since then, staying with friends for a few days at a time.

"She got grabbed up for trying to steal baby formula. Some local businesses got together and offered a reward for the arrest of the person responsible for the killings. She decided to do herself some good—get the charges on her theft dropped and get the reward."

"Nero jumped to conclusions and killed two guys that fast?"

"That's what the girl said. I never would have thought Nero would do something like that. To act on so little information." Jax shook his head. "I didn't think Nero was that impulsive or reckless."

"He hooked up with your mother. That already calls into question his judgement and sanity."

"Right," Jax said with a trace of a smile. "I sometimes had the feeling that Nero was with her more to help me than be with her."

"From the bits that I saw, I think there's truth there. Things had gotten so crazy with everyone that the Paralorns had Gemma under constant surveillance. She was the best reality show around. I'm a terrible person sometimes. I enjoyed watching her come unraveled. I saw Nero's face when you told him over the phone that she killed me. She confirmed it and he was done with her. Just like that. I loved that moment." (SOA Season 7, episode Suits of Woe)

"When I found her at my grandfather's house, I wanted her to explain. I wanted her to give me some reason not to kill her."

"She lost her lover, her grandkids and her son. Only Unser was with her at the end. You told him to leave or you were going to kill him. I couldn't believe that she didn't urge him to leave. It just showed that she didn't care about him either. All the years and all the stuff he did for her and the club were for nothing.

"She should have killed herself to spare you from doing that. I don't hate her for killing me. If she believed I was selling you out and I was going to put you in prison for the rest of your life or on death row, I could understand her killing me. She was doing it to save your life.

"I hate her for not killing herself. She should have spared you that. Even in the end, Gemma only cared about herself. She wanted you to carry around that guilt and pain for the rest of your life. She was a nasty, hateful, cruel woman. I hope she is burning in hell."

He tried to avoid thinking about what Tara said about Gemma, but she was right. He couldn't argue that. Gemma shouldn't have made him kill her. If anything, the way she encouraged him to kill her just made the pain of killing her worse. He could still hear her saying "it's who we are" as she urged him to kill her.

"And I thought I had come to terms with all my mommy issues," Jax said drily. "Nero didn't want me to kill Gemma because he knew what it would do to me."

"He cared more about you than your own mother."

Tara wasn't much of a drinker and she had already downed more than half the indigo in just a few minutes. He was going to have a drunk Tara on his hands if she kept drinking at that pace.

"Now, he's on the run from the cops."

"Did he take his kid with him?"

"Hale said he dropped Lucius off at the state facility he'd been in before he took him to live on the farm."

"He could have taken our kids."

Tara downed the rest of her indigo, got up poured herself another glass and brought him another beer.

"Let me have a sip."

He didn't really want a sip, but he wanted to slow down her drinking. He took a couple of big gulps of indigo before handing it back to her.

"Why? It doesn't make sense."

"It does. If people are looking for a tall Hispanic man, they wouldn't expect him to be with two Caucasian kids," Tara paused and sucked in her breath. "He could have taken the kids to sell them. If he got desperate . . ."

"Or if he were getting ready to run and Wendy fell apart. He could have taken the kids to keep them safe," Jax said, picking up the story and giving it a better spin. He wanted to protect Tara from imagining the worst.

"That's possible too."

"If he took the boys, he wouldn't hurt them."

"He could sell the kids to a couple who wants a family," Tara said. "If he thinks you are on the run from the cops and SAMCRO, he might figure you aren't going to be able to be the boys' father. He's going to need money."

"I could see him doing that if he thought that was best for the boys. If he knew of a good family, maybe he would leave the boys with them and not necessarily sell them. The alternative with Wendy messed up, you dead and me on the run is foster care."

"Once more, life circles back. My kids are facing what used to be my biggest teenage fear—foster care. How long has Nero been gone?"

"Hale doesn't know. This crosses county lines, so its got different sheriff and police departments working the case and trying to find Nero. We'll find Nero. Even if he didn't take the kids, he might have information."

"Wendy," Tara said spitting the name out like a bad taste in her mouth.

"Hale said that Nero's uncle's old lady went to check on Wendy and the boys. She found Wendy passed out on the floor and the boys gone.

"The old lady called 911 for Wendy and then she began looking for the boys. When she couldn't find them, she called Nero's uncle. From what Hale said, the two of them searched the farm for the boys thinking that maybe they had gone somewhere."

"Are they stupid? Thomas can't walk."

"They thought Abel might have put him in his wagon or in his stroller. They thought he might have tried to find help for Wendy. There's no landline at the farmhouse, so Abel couldn't have called for help. When they finished their search, they finally called the cops. Law enforcement launched a big search. Knocked on doors. It's a rural area, so there aren't a lot of doors to knock on or people to witness anything."

"Did they use dogs? Did they use helicopters? I read a news article a few years ago about a missing three year old boy. His parents reported him missing and there was a big search. They found him two days later dead. He was outside the search area. He died from exposure. Imagine how scared that little kid was walking around lost, cold and hungry. Can you imagine how terrified he must have been at night? The little boy died alone. I can't bear it if something like that happened to our kids."

Tara had a vivid imagination and it was not always a good thing. Jax didn't want to think about his boys suffering the same fate as that little three year old. He shut those thoughts down.

"We need Wendy to regain consciousness to find out what she knows," Jax said. As soon as he said Wendy's name, he knew he made a mistake.

Tara finished her indigo and refilled her glass. She drank almost half its contents before putting it down on a nearby end table and began to pace.

"I am going to kill that junkie bitch."

"I don't think that's a good idea," Jax said.

Tara stopped in front of him.

"Of course not. You told her you loved her. You left our boys with an unstable junkie," Tara said, raising her voice and yelling.

"You know I was never in love with Wendy," Jax said calmly, keeping his voice level.

"How can you defend her?" Tara shouted. "Wendy passed out and someone came in and took the kids. Maybe worse. Maybe they took the kids to sell them because Wendy had a drug debt or the kids could be a source of money. Little kids are sex trafficked."

"You are jumping to wild conclusions. You're torturing yourself," Jax said, getting to his feet. "We need Wendy to stay alive. She might know something that can lead us to our kids. We need her to live long enough to give us information."

"Fine. I'll kill her then."

"Tara, you aren't going to kill Wendy."

Tara's face flushed angrily and she clenched her fists.

"Oh, yes I am. This has to be related to Wendy."

"For now, we need Wendy to stay alive at least long enough to tell us what she knows about the boys."

"If this in anyway is her fault, I will kill her."

Jax grabbed Tara by the shoulders.

"You are not killing Wendy," he said firmly, like a parent to a stubborn child.

Tara broke away from Jax.

"I should have known that you would side with her. You told her you loved her. You had sex with her that same morning."

Tara was calm and rational. A semi-drunk Tara was more ruled by her emotions.

"I meant I loved her as the mother of Abel."

"Well, good for you. I am still going to kill that whore."

Jax tried holding Tara by the shoulders again.

"The best punishment for Wendy is never to know what happened to the kids when we get them back. It will haunt her for the rest of her life."

Tara thought about that for awhile.

"I still want to bash her head in with a baseball bat, but I like the misery of never knowing."

"Wait until the truth comes out. If Wendy really needs killing, I'll do it. I don't want you to carry around the guilt and pain."

"What about for you?" she asked, softly. The sweet, caring Tara had returned.

"I've learned how to deal with it. You might enjoy killing Wendy for a few minutes, but it will weigh on you. I only want what is best for you, baby," Jax said.

"I guess we don't have to decide right now," Tara conceded. "Can we at least kill the people who took the kids?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm doing that," Jax said grimly.

She walked to the end table, grabbed her half empty glass of indigo and sat back down on the couch.

"Hale said they did search by helicopter and they did use dogs. The dogs lost the scent at the road. They think the kids were taken by car."

Jax returned to the couch and sat down. He reached for the glass of indigo she had in her hand. She let him take it to have another sip. He was still trying to moderate her drinking without making an issue of it.

"That isn't helpful. If someone took them, they would have used a car."

"It means that Abel and Thomas aren't lost somewhere."

"That's true. That's good news," Tara said. "I don't know, maybe it's bad news. I don't have to worry that they are alone somewhere out on a farm, scared, alone and dying from exposure. I just have to worry about who took them. Most abducted kids are killed within the first few hours. If a stranger took them, they are probably dead."

"About six or so hours into the search, someone put together that the kids missing were mine. They think I took them."

"That means they aren't looking for them anymore," Tara said.

An observer looking at Tara wouldn't know that she was barely holding herself together, but Jax could feel her despair and her soul searing fear. Maybe there really was something to the Paralorn empathy bond thing.

"They are looking for them with me," Jax corrected. "Tara, we both know this isn't a stranger abduction. Whoever took our kids did so because of me. They want to use the kids to lure me out into the open."

"Who?"

"The Chinese, maybe someone who wants revenge for my killing August Marks, the Irish, SamBel and maybe someone connected to Salazar. You killed the girlfriend and I killed him. There's not exactly a shortage of people who would want revenge for all the shit I've done."

"What about SAMCRO?"

"Yeah, maybe. If they are getting a lot of heat from the Council and think I double crossed them by not killing myself, they could be ruthless and desperate enough to take the kids. Hell, it could be any chapter of SOA."

"If it's connected to you, how are they going to contact you?"

"If someone took the kids to get to me, they or he will figure out a way to let me know."

"God, I hope it's not the Chinese. I saw what Henry Lin did to Chuckie's hands."

"Lin's dead, but I'm sure there are others."

"You don't think they would hurt the kids to get to you?"

"No," Jax lied. "I think they might threaten, but I think that's as far as it will go. I think it will come down to a trade, me for the kids."

He didn't point out that he didn't look like Jax Teller anymore to humans. It would just upset Tara more.

Tara finished her glass of indigo, went to the refrigerator and brought the bottle of indigo back to the couch with her.

"Did Hale say if Meg or Ry know about the kids? If they know, the Paralorns will go all out to find them. They can hack into traffic cameras, police data bases, all kinds of stuff. Thomas is a prince and he's in line for the Paralorn throne. That's a big deal to them. We aren't going to be alone in searching for them."

"Hale didn't say anything, but our conversation got interrupted when the system went down. You said that the Paralorns were running a lot of surveillance on everyone. Is it possible they saw what was going on with Wendy and they took the kids?"

Tara thought about that for awhile.

"If they knew the kids were in danger, they might take them. They were going to put in cameras at the farm, but they hadn't done it yet. There's a lot going on with them now. Maybe they were going to put in the cameras when they discovered the boys were in danger. They took the boys to keep them safe and the com system went down before they could let us know," Tara said.

"I think that makes the most sense. We just need to wait until they get the com system fixed."

"We could have the boys with us soon," Tara said. "I've really missed them. Especially Thomas. He needs me. He should be crawling."

"I know I was a shit father."

"You're right, but when the time came and Abel needed you, you were there. You found the truth about your mother. That counts a lot."

"I'll be a father for once instead of in name only."

Jax could feel the tension leave Tara's body. She had convinced herself the Paralorns had taken the kids. He wasn't so sure, but he decided to believe it until he learned it wasn't true. He had given both of them the truth they needed for that moment.

There would be a time when they would know the truth. Until then, he would rather believe his kids were safe with the Paralorns than believe someone had the kids and were going to use them to get at him.

"Do you want some indigo? If you don't I'm going to finish the bottle. There's another bottle left in the fridge."

There were about three inches left in the bottle. Tara took a long pull and downed more than half the remaining contents.

"I'm going to get drunk," Tara announced.

"You're already pretty close to drunk," Jax said, smiling.

"Good, then I won't have to drink much more. You know how I get when I get drunk. Are you going to refuse to have sex with me?"

"Drunk or double drunk?"

"Double drunk since I already am kind of just regular drunk."

Tara seemed to suddenly realize that her purple shirt was choking her. She began unbuttoning it and stroking the exposed skin, possibly to restore circulation.

Double drunk meant that Tara was going to get drunk in a short space of time. Getting drunk brought out a sexually aggressive side to Tara. Double drunk brought out an even more sexually aggressive side. It made her wild and crazy and sexy as hell.

He mentally wrote this equation in his mind:

Tara x Double Drunk x Alien Sex Upgrade = Best Sex Ever

In his mind, he didn't add exclamation marks after 'best sex ever' because only girls and pussies used exclamation marks. Real men were too cool for them.

"You are the only man I trust myself to get drunk with because I know how I get about sex. You are also the only man who has the stamina to almost keep up with me sexually."

"You're a doctor. You know that's a man's anatomy," Jax protested. "We have a reset period."

"You know why men have a reset period? If they didn't, they would screw themselves to death."

Jax laughed. He recognized there was a lot of truth to what she was saying.

"And if I ask you to hurt me, I can trust you to only hurt me a little."

"And only after lots of begging from you."

"Yeah and you make sure I don't drink too much and get alcohol poisoning."

"I also hold your hair back if you throw up."

"Such a gentleman. I'm not in the mood for tender, romantic love making. I need to feel good. I kind of understand now why you use sex to dull the pain of whatever you are going through."

Tara finished the bottle of indigo and got up from the couch. Half the buttons on her shirt were undone, exposing the curve of her breasts and her black lace bra.

"I think maybe another sip or two of indigo and I'll be double drunk. I need you to tell me now if you are going to refuse to have sex with me. If you are, I'll just find some medical tools downstairs to substitute."

"You ever do that before?"

Tara's lips turned up in a mischievous smile and her eyes sparkled.

"I'll never tell, but you can use your imagination."

Jax used his imagination. It was kind of hot and funny and HOT. No exclamation marks though because exclamation marks were only for girls and pussies.

"And no, you can't watch," Tara said, reading his mind because she knew him so well. "So, what's your answer?" She demanded the empty bottle of indigo in one hand and the other hand on her hip.

"I told you I wouldn't have sex with you as long as you were having sex with Ryland."

"He's not here," Tara pointed out. "I'm not having sex with Ryland."

"You know what I mean," Jax said.

"I do. Don't make me beg. I really need you to fuck me."

Jax had the willpower to resist Tara probably, well, maybe, but he couldn't think of a good reason why he should. He had proven his point about his will power. He couldn't be expected to resist a double drunk Tara who was pleading for sex with her shirt half off.

"I'm not sure how I feel about you using me for sex," Jax paused and burst out laughing. "Yeah, I'm OK with it. I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself with medical tools. You could do yourself a permanent injury," Jax said getting to his feet.

"I was hoping you could do me this very big and urgent favor."

Jax grinned at her.

"Wouldn't want to abandon you in your time of need."

"It's going to be our first time since the conversion. I never thought I'd get to have sex with you again," Tara said.

"You're right. It is our first time. I'll do a shot of indigo with you and then I think you've had enough alcohol for awhile."

"So authoritative," she said.

Her diction was perfect. She walked a straight line into the kitchen. It was when she stood in front of the refrigerator that he saw her sway slightly. The biggest change was in her sexual behavior.

He liked that he was the only man who got the sexual benefits of a drunk or double drunk Tara and that she trusted him.

"You pour the shots," Tara said. "I think I'll spill if I do it."

Jax grabbed two shot glasses out of a cupboard and filled them with the indigo.

They clicked shot glasses and downed their shots.

"So, what's your plan?" Jax asked. Double drunk Tara always had a plan.

"We have sex in my closet with that really great romantic lighting that Cas does. My closet has mirrors all around so I can watch what you're doing to me and you can watch what you're doing to me and it's got this really deep plush rug that's so soft, we'll sink into it."

"Yeah," Jax said. There wasn't anything else to say.

"Next, well, there's no real order. We walk outside to the rock we went to after you went through the conversion process. I'm wearing a long ankle length T-shirt dress with sweet little pink flowers on it without panties, so you'll just have to lift up my dress and take me," her voice fell to a whisper.

"It's raining," Jax pointed out.

"I know. That makes it hotter. You in jeans and a white T-shirt. As it gets wet it will cling to your skin. We'll be cold but hot for each other."

"Without a bra too? I want to see the water mold the dress to your breasts, watch your nipple harden."

"Yeah," Tara said, flushing and sounding breathless. "I'll do that. Next, we'll need a shower. There's a steam shower and a bench in my bathroom. I'll sit on your lap, facing you and it will be all steamy. It will be like having sex in a cloud. The next time . . ."

Jax pulled her against him and kissed her long, hard and hungry. He didn't know what the hell was going on with him, but he wanted to bury himself inside her and never let her go. He remember telling her after she came back to Charming that in high school he needed to spend every minute with her and their relationship couldn't be that. He must have had shit for brains. Tara was everything right in the world. He wanted to drown in her and never come up for air.

He would protect her and do anything in the world for her. He didn't know what the hell he could have been thinking when he chose SAMCRO over the woman who saved him from becoming a mindless monster and was the mother to his sons. How the hell could he not have seen what was really important?

"I forgot something," she said, pulling her mouth away. "I didn't tell you the position I want to use." She nipped at his neck with her teeth. He groaned. "My legs on your shoulders," she whispered. She pulled away so she could see his face. "We can get the deepest penetration. I want to feel all of you inside me."

Her eyes were pools of melted chocolate, her lips were curved in a smile and her face was flushed. He wanted her so much, it was hard not to strip her naked and plunge inside her right there.

"My favorite position is inside you."

If you get the sex right, you get the relationship right. It was obvious to Jax that Ryland wasn't getting the sex right with Tara. She seemed starved for sex and he was more than prepared to fill her up.

"You always know the most romantic things to say," Tara said.

"Less talking and more touching," Jax said.

"Give me a piggy back ride to my closet. Cas, romantic lighting for my bedroom and closet."

"Yes, Tara," Cas said.

Jax would have given a piggy back ride to a pig if it meant having sex with Tara.

As he bent down so she could put her arms around his neck, she lost her balance. She started giggling and Jax's hands ended up underneath her shirt.

"How about a piggy back ride later?" Jax picked her up, put her over his shoulder and carried her to the bedroom, the same way he did when he got released from prison. She laughed the same whooping happy laugh too. The only difference was now he wanted her even more. (SOA Season 4, first episode, Out)

Cas had the perfect dim lighting ready for them by the time Jax put Tara down. He pulled his light blue T-shirt over his head and was just tossing it to the ground, when a screen descended from the ceiling in Tara's room.

"I have instructed the robots and they were able to restore a portion of the Hale communication that was lost when the communication system went down."

Hale appeared on screen this time wearing a Charming PD's uniform with police chief insignia.

". . . investigating some vandalism at Scoops. Someone put a round through a window. I was checking traffic cameras when I found this. I'm not sure what it means or how it's even possible. Here it . . ."

The footage began at a traffic signal. A tall brunette crossed the street. She turned, lifted her chin and smiled directly into the camera.

"Gemma!" Jax and Tara said in unison.

In Jax's mind, he added an exclamation mark because the mother he killed with a bullet to the brain had come back to life. It was the only time a real man could use an exclamation mark without being a pussy.