22
I wish I could say everything was back to normal or close to it. But it wasn't entirely. Immediately the nightmares came and all I could see was Sadie and bodies of bloody faces sprawled out on the ground. I didn't want to sleep without taking the drugs the doctor prescribed to me. Rafael was constantly waking me up because I was screaming in my sleep. It felt it would never end, this gut wrenching fear I was feeling.
A month after the shooting there was a large memorial held at the school for those killed in the shooting. But not even in a time of despair could we come together. There were people chanting for new laws for betas and of course alphas who did not like the chanting. Police were involved and the memorial turned into a riot. The school was closed down again for an unknown amount of time out fear of riots starting again on campus. My heart sank even deeper into my body as I did my best not to read to many news articles of what happened.
Going back to school the weeks prior were hard already. I didn't feel attached to anything here. I was constantly looking over my shoulder. Yet when I was alone, I felt peace. I wanted to feel more of that peace. So on weekends, I was jogging through the neighborhood alone and soon running further out until I was in town. Rafael didn't like it and when I defended myself it just led to an argument. I knew he was upset and worried, but I just couldn't shake what I was feeling off. I could not run it off even when I felt at peace. I knew there was a serial killer out there killing black beta women. But I didn't care. I didn't care what dangers found me.
"You cannot keep doing this, Amara." Rafael argued.
"I just need to stay out of my head okay. Running helps." I replied with annoyance in my tone as I closed the fridge door and moved to the living room. Rafael was behind me.
"Mami, I know you are dealing with trauma, but you going out alone at night, is NOT acceptable. You are putting yourself in danger." he snapped. I looked at him as I opened my bottle of water. It was eleven and I was drinking some water. I had nothing to say so I just looked ahead and squatted right where I was. He watched and sighed heavily. "Baby talk to me. Please don't shut me out again." I didn't respond for a moment. I didn't know what I should say. Rafael moved over and slowly sat down beside me.
"You're going to hurt your legs staying like that for too long." he said, this time in a softer tone. I glanced in his direction before finally falling back on my bottom and he just stared at me for a moment waiting. I looked at the ground with dead eyes almost.
"We couldn't even come together to mourn for the dead." I said blankly. I shook my head. "Hundreds of people, doesn't matter their title, could die and someone will be to blame. Beta, alpha none of it matters. Fear turns into sadness and sadness eventually turns to anger and I don't blame other betas for being angry, I don't blame them for being scared. Deep down my mind tells me it would be easy to blame the alphas because the only reason they wouldn't want better laws is because they can't be in control anymore."
"Do you think I want to control you?" Rafael asked. I sighed and shook my head.
"No. But of course we are one of the few who get along. The entire country is divided. I'm afraid more bad things will happen… and no longer is it about civil rights, it's about everyone's lives changing at the flip of a switch, the second a pair of eyes meet another." I responded. He nodded letting his hand slide over to meet mine. They curled firmly over mine and I watched as he looked very hard at my hands as if he were contemplating something very heavy. Something was weighing on his heart.
"And it doesn't seem like things will get any easier with you living here." he said lowly and my body tensed at his words. He looked up at me. "Amara, I think you should go stay with your parents and take the time you need to clear your mind and get better." And now my heart hit my stomach and I looked down for a moment.
"You want me to leave." I said, and he shook his head. Eyes sparkling from tears swelling.
"No. That is the last thing I want. But I also know I can't help the kind of pain you're in. I took you from your world and forced you to be a part of mine. A world that's filled with dangers and death. So I want you to go back to your world so we can find our way back to each other." he explained. I stared at him for a moment unsure of what I should say to this, how I should react.
"But you-" I said and he shook his head.
"I'll be fine. I just need you to be okay." he said.
"H-how long do you want me to stay away?" I asked. His body inflated as he inhaled through his nostrils.
"For as long as you want." he said. I stared at him for a long moment. By him saying this, this meant he was placing himself in a position to hurt for a very long time. I didn't want to hurt him. But I knew with how I had been acting, it was hurting him still. He'd hurt himself for me. As I stared into his eyes for a moment watching as they avoided mine, I knew I couldn't do it. I knew I wouldn't leave this house knowing full well he'd be in pain until I came back. I wouldn't hurt him like that.
"No." I said firmly and Rafael looked at me confused and finally I turned to him. "Let's do what a normal couple would do when trying to recover from a horrific event… I need to get help." His eyes seemed to liven at my words and he nodded.
"Yes." he said, and I smiled and leaned forward to crawl over him and gently kissed his lips. He replied immediately.
"I will… cut back on my nightly jogs until I can find a therapist or someone to talk to." I replied standing up. His eyes watched me.
"Gracias." he replied and raised his hands so I could help him up. We stared at each other genuinely for a moment before I look down.
"I never want to see you hurt… which means I can't be the cause of that. I know that killer is out there and I know I have been very reckless." I replied. Rafael leaned in and placed his forehead against mine.
"I'm just glad you see that. Look school is down for a bit, let's just take time to get you better. I know these last few nights haven't been easy. A therapist should have been the first thing we got for you out of the hospital." he said, and I just nodded and wrapped my arms around his body inhaling his scent. He locked his arms around me and I just sighed gently.
The next morning, I lounged in bed already feeling off. Without being in school, my programmed body and mind felt purposeless. And for once I did not want to run today. Rafael knocked on my door and peaked in.
"Good morning. I have court in an hour so I may be gone all day." he said and I sat up and looked at him.
"Can I sit in?" I asked. I didn't really want to be alone. He winced.
"I don't think you're going to want to come to this one." he said. I tilted my head.
"Why wouldn't I want to?" I asked and he sighed some.
"Because it's a case against a beta who shot and killed his alpha." he said. I tensed up a bit.
"Was it self-defense?" I asked. He shook his head.
"No… this beta was actually pretty abusive to his alpha." he said lowly and my eyes widened some at this. A beta… an abuser? That was not something I had ever heard of let alone had a chance to see. I looked ahead in a daze before looking at him.
"Can I go still?" I asked. Rafael blinked rapidly stunned.
"Sure." he said, and I hurried and got out of bed running into the bathroom. I started to unwrap my hair and brush my teeth and wash my face. "Are you sure you want to hear this case?" I nodded looking at him as I rubbed some face cream on my face.
"Yes… if this beta is the bad guy, it could definitely prove AntiDom wrong about ALL alphas. It could also prove to me that things are not so black and white as I thought they were." I replied. I moved to my closet and pulled on some jeans with a large green sweater. I grabbed my purse and looked at Rafael who just stared at me almost starry eyed. "What?" He shook his head smiling some as he leaned his head on the doorway.
"Nothing… you look beautiful is all." he replied lightly. I smiled gently before moving up to him.
"Thank you." I replied. He smiled and leaned down and pecked my lips before taking my hand and guiding me from the room. I could not hide the mild excitement in the pit of my stomach for this case. I was curious of this beta, curious of what he looked like. I had never thought to look up a murderous beta. I have always thought of all betas of submissive, weak and abused people. But now maybe there was more to us than our submissive layers.