Authors Note: I'M SO SORRY. I truly never understood how people could go so long without updating until it happened to me. In the time that I haven't updated I have:

studied for the bar exam

took the bar exam exam

waited for results

adopted a puppy

got the results..GOOD NEWS I PASSED

started a very depressing and excruciating job hunting process

cried about job rejections

battled depression

got sworn into my state bar

cried some more about job rejections

FINALLY GOT HIRED AND START MONDAY

cried some more..but this time happy tears :)

its been a long ride but here we go CHAPTER THREE OF NEPTUNE

FLASHBACK

I sat down at the table in my room and pulled out a clean loose-leaf paper, writing two words at the top.

Dear Lucas. I hesitated, wondering if I should even write a letter at all. But coming to the conclusion that it would be therapeutic to get my feelings out on paper, I decide to keep going.

Dear Lucas,

You just left my room. Things feel settled but unsettled. I'm not sure if that makes sense

I never told you what finally drove me to leave the summer before senior year. I thought the night on the balcony was your moment. Remember when you said that to me in middle school?

But then you left to help shirtless Zay and Todd reminded me all about the weirdness surrounding the triangle. Maybe my reaction was rash. But talking to Todd just reminded me of how any moment we shared would never truly be your moment or our moment. It would always be a moment you also later shared with Maya

I'm sorry I couldn't say or give you what you needed. Right now, it just feels like so much has happened.. And unless you have a time machine, we can't really go back to how it was before this entire mess. So, it seems like we're just stuck.

I do want you to know however, that even after everything that has happened. I still have hope. I think you're right- I don't think this is the end for us.

I know that a part for me will always love you, I'm just not sure how…at least not for the time being. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I know that I always want you in my life in whatever capacity that may be.

Sincerely,

Love, Riley

It wasn't until the start of my spring semester freshman year when I came across the letter again.

My time in California, no matter how short had proven effective in making me feel a little lighter and so without thinking much about it, I decided to send the letter.

But as soon as I did, memories of the past came rushing at me, making me unsure and anxious about my decision to send the letter.

It's how I found myself on the phone with Farkle, venting to him. Farkle who was finally relieved to hear from Riley after a semester of sporadic and vague exchanges, was probably beginning to regret answering her phone call.

"I went away for a reason, you know? I left to California to get away from the disaster the triangle created and then I find the letter and without thinking, I just send it? I throw myself back into this mess?" I whined on the phone

"Riley, do you think you'll ever stop being so dramatic. Honestly it was just a letter." Farkle, sighed. "There's nothing you can do about it now, it's sent."

"Farkle, why did you even give me his address?! You should have just said no! Hello, the role of any best friend is to talk me out of my dumb ideas"

"Really? This is my fault? You asked for the address! I can't do this. Girl talk is definitely not for me. Call Maya, please I beg you." Farkle complained.

Tense silence plagued the phone call. After a few seconds of silence, Farkle finally spoke up.

"Riley? I'm sorry- I just thought you guys were in a better place-I didn't…" Farkle stumbled over his words

"No, it's okay Farkle. We're better, I just—It's just still weird to talk her about this kind of stuff you know?" I replied quietly.

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm just being a pain, really. Feel free to talk to me about ALL your girl problems. I'm always here to listen."

"Thanks Farkle. And who knows, maybe Lucas won't even respond." I said hopefully.

But two weeks later, a letter arrived in my mailbox addressed from Texas. It was Lucas.

Dear Riley,

You have no idea how it good it is to hear from you. It made my whole week, I wouldn't stop talking to my roommate about it. I think he's going to request a new roommate. Totally worth it though.

I wanted to pick up the phone and call you immediately after receiving your letter, but I think you may prefer starting off slow. I understand that maybe not enough time has passed, and you still need time to heal.

It makes me happy to hear that you still have hope. It's one of my favorite things about you, Riley. Never lose that.

I know you wrote this letter after our talk during the summer. I'm glad you kept it.

I don't know what force drives us to the decisions we make but I'm grateful that whatever that force is, it led you to send me this letter.

Love Always, Lucas

END OF FLASHBACK

Not a lot had happened in the weeks following my conversation with Lucas. I had moved in with Maya, which had been great so far. Besides dodging her constant questions about what was going on between Lucas & I.

It's not that I didn't trust Maya, I just wasn't ready to start sharing this history between Lucas and I with Maya. If I was being honest, it felt as if a lot of the moments I shared with Lucas, had always been shared with Maya too and I just wanted to keep this little piece to myself.

But besides that, there were memories I wasn't ready to face myself. Memories that I would rather have stay buried for the moment.

But Maya was like a dog with a bone, once she picked it up, she was unable to put it down. So, I shouldn't have been surprised when I found her wandering into my room the night of Farkle's graduation party, hinting at yet another conversation about Lucas.

"Sooo, Honey. Big night tonight? We haven't really seen Lucas in a while and Evan will be there…" Maya started

"Yep. All of those things are true. What is your point? Riley replied, already annoyed with the direction of the conversation

"I mean are you sure this a good idea? I don't really know the history but if the past is any indicator, I'm not sur-"

"Peaches, I'm sorry. I really don't want to get into this right now." I replied, turning to face her.

"Or do you not want to get into this with me?" Maya asked quietly.

"May—" I started, immediately feeling guilty, only to be interrupted by the doorbell.

"It's okay, I'll go answer that." Maya finished, quickly taking off.

I turned to face the mirror and took a deep breath in. Tonight, was already off to such a great start.

Everything Maya was saying was true, I knew Lucas would be there and Evan would be accompanying me. Lucas also made it very clear that he wanted nothing to with me. I knew all of this already, I didn't need the reminder.

Still a part of me hoped that tonight would be the night to put everything behind us. Tonight, would be the night that Lucas would be forced to interact with me, with all of us. I mean he couldn't just leave his best friend's graduation party, right?

"Honey, you ready? Evan is here!" Maya called from the living room, interrupting my thoughts.

"Yeah! I'll be there in a minute." I yelled back, taking one last look in the mirror and bracing myself for the night.

It was obvious I was on edge, making the drive over to the hall where the party was held an extremely tense and silent one. Every few seconds I would find myself letting go of Evan's hand to wipe my hand on my dress because of all the anxiety sweat.

After doing it for the 10th time, Evan pulled me back, letting Maya enter the hall without us. "Riley, I know you're nervous, but everything will be okay. I promise."

I looked over at him grateful for the encouragement. Evan was more than I deserved. He knew every single part of my history with Lucas, and instead of acting jealous, he was here trying to make it work with Lucas and my other friends.

In my entire lifetime, I don't think I would ever find another guy willing to be friends or at least friendly with an ex…or whatever Lucas was to me, especially with the history Lucas and I shared. It was weird, it was a lot to ask. But Evan was here, still trying, without a single complaint.

"Thank you…for everything." I whispered back. Taking another deep breath before heading into the hall.

As soon as we stepped in, Farkle came rushing at us, with a worried look clouding his face.

"Riley! Riley, Hey Riley… Evan… my god! Farkle, practically shouted, out of breath and frantic.

"Farkle! It's so great to see you. This party looks amazing!" I responded cheerfully, opening my arms to embrace him.

Completely ignoring my greeting, Farkle continued speaking at a speed he only used when he was agitated, " I mean I'm glad you guys came. I just…I mean part of my brain knew Evan would be coming but the other part I guess didn't register it. And Lucas, is here you know…"

I shot him a look. But before I could respond, Evan interrupted, "I know, I get it. My presence is bound to cause some tension.

Farkle looked helplessly between Evan and Riley, noting my frustrated expression.

"Evan, no. You're more than welcome here." Farkle started.

Growing ever more frustrated, I snapped, "Lucas is a big boy. He'll be okay. Actually, have you seen him around?"

"Riley, maybe let's get a drink before we start World War III." Evan suggested.

"Yeah!" Farkle chimed in. "Let's get a drink. Say hi to my parents. Catch up with old friends…maybe avoid Lucas altogether."

Evan left to get us drinks, leaving me behind to glare at Farkle

"Okay, I'm sorry. Not the best way to welcome him into the group. I just don't want to upset Lucas." Farkle raised his hands in defense

"Oh yeah. Cause God forbid we upset King Lucas." I replied sarcastically.

"Wow Maya was right. Smiley Riley is in quite the mood tonight." Farkle observed

"One, don't call me that. Two, I'm not in a mood. Or maybe I am. I'm just tired of walking on eggshells every time I'm around Lucas." I groaned.

"Riley, you know, your hope is my favorite thing about you. It's everyone's favorite thing about you. But honestly what did you expect after everything that happened?"

I looked at Farkle silently, waiting for him to continue.

"Look, I'm your side no matter what. But I think Lucas is just handling this the best way he can. So just be patient with him, okay?"

"Okay, I won't try to kill him until later on in the evening." I responded sarcastically

"That's all I can ask for. Leave the murder of one of my closest friends for until after the speeches" Farkle responded, smiling slightly "C'mon let me show you to your table."

I sat down ready to try and have and enjoyable night with all my friends, including Lucas.

Maya looked over at me, concern written all over her face. "Everything okay, Riles?"

"Yeah Peaches, don't worry about it." I responded quickly, catching the quick look of disappointment that washed over Maya's face.

As the night progressed, it was obvious that Lucas had become an expert in avoiding me. He had managed to avoid me the entire night, even though Farkle's parents had sat all of us at the same table.

Right this moment, Farke's parents were giving a speech on the stage and Lucas was nowhere to be found. I took this as my opportunity to confront him yet again.

"Excuse me" I said quietly, pushing my chair to stand up.

"OH MAN, here we go ROUND…what is it now? FOUR?." Zay exclaimed, reaching out his palm to Maya, who begrudgingly placed a five-dollar bill in his hand

"Riley, are you sure this is a good idea? Farkle's parents are giving a speech" Evan whispered

"Yes, and Lucas is missing it because he's acting like a huge BRAT." Riley retorted, before walking away in search of Lucas. She found him in the hallway pacing back and forth.

Riley approached him slowly, taking in his agitated appearance, "Lucas is everything okay?" She asked softy.

Lucas stopped pacing abruptly and turned to face me slowly, "Yeah, Riley. Everything's fine, please just go back inside to Evan." Lucas responded harshly.

I recoiled at the harshness of his tone. It reminded me too much of the person Lucas had turned into during our senior year of high school and worry came over me instantly. I was well aware of the work Lucas had put into ending his difficult relationship with alcohol. And here we were, at a party were alcohol could be found at every table.

"Lucas, have you been drinking"

Lucas laughed humorlessly, "No, for your information I haven't been drinking. We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to run to alcohol just because Riley doesn't want to be with me anymore."

My worry instantly turned into anger. "What exactly is that supposed to mean?"

"Just go inside Riley, I really don't want to do this with you right now." Lucas groaned.

"No, you said it. Can't back down, might as well explain yourself." I challenged.

"What do you want me to say Riley?" Lucas half-yelled, throwing up his hands in frustration

"I want you to explain why we can't be friends. I want you to explain why you seem to… to hate me so much." I stuttered.

"Riley, I don't hate you. I just can't be around you anymore. You made a choice and now I'm making mines."

"I made a choice? Okay Lucas, I made a choice after getting tired of you ignoring me for months. What was I supposed to do? Wait around forever?" I yelled, tears forming in my eyes.

"I think you're forgetting some key facts there, Riley. But that's fine, I don't really feel like rehashing the past with you." Lucas retorted.

"So that's it? After years of friendship or whatever we had, we're out of each other's lives for good. Bullshit. I know us better than that."

"Riley, go back to your boyfriend. We…or rather I was wrong. I know I told you, your hope was my favorite thing about you. But now I think it's the thing I hate the most, especially when its misplaced. I was wrong. There is no hope for us." Lucas answered coldly.

And there it was twice in one night. The second time someone had basically thrown my "never ending hope" in my face.

Maybe it was true. Maybe my hope was the worst thing about me. It was the thing that got me in the most trouble and it was the thing that had prompted me to send that stupid letter to Lucas. And for what? Here we were, all these years later still at each other's throats.

Unable and unwilling to formulate a response, I turned around and headed back into the dining hall, running into Evan in the process

"Riley, hey, is everything okay? Are you crying?" Evan asked, trying to get me to focus.

"I just want to go home, please? I don't want to stay here." I pleaded

"Okay, that's okay. Why don't you go inside and say goodbye to everyone, and I'll wait here?" Evan suggested.

"Okay," I nodded, and headed inside to say my goodbyes.

Evan walked over to Lucas. Tense silence plagued the hallway before Evan finally spoke up.

"Dude. What's your problem? What did you say to make Riley so upset?" Evan demanded

"Dude. You don't want to get into this with me right now. So, I suggest you mind your business" Lucas growled

"Mind my business? Riley is MY business and I get you guys have history, but I won't let you keep hurting her."

"My relationship with Riley past or present is none of your concern. I—" Lucas responded

"Relationship? What relationship? You haven't talked to Riley in forever and now she's back and she's honestly trying, and you won't give her the time of day." Evan yelled, stepping closer to Lucas.

"HEY! HEY! Okay!" Maya, yelled running over and stepping in between the two guys. "Let's take down the testosterone down a notch please!"

"Lucas, hey look at me!" Maya snapped, "Are you crazy? Do you want a repeat of senior year?"

"He's the one who stepped in front of me." Lucas, yelled, raising his hands to point in Evan's direction.

"Yeah, I really don't care, who did what. We're not going to do this to Farkle or his parents. And we're especially not going to do this Riley…AGAIN" Maya added. "Let's go, you're going home."

Maya took his arm and led him out of the hall, calling back to Evan, "Make sure Riley gets home safe and please keep this between us."

Later on, that night, Riley found herself sitting on the couch of the tiny apartment, thinking over the events of tonight.

Evan had tried her best to console her, but nothing he said could stop her from thinking the one thought that was plaguing her since she stepped out of the cab with Evan a couple of weeks ago. That maybe she shouldn't have returned to New York. Her new life was in California and maybe that was for the best.

The front door of the opened slowly and Maya tiptoed inside as if trying not to wake me. But I was wide awake. It felt as if I'd never sleep again.

"Hey Peaches" I said softly.

"Riley! OH MY GOD! You scared the living crap out of me. What are you still doing awake?" Maya asked, still grasping at her chest. "Where's Evan?"

"Couldn't sleep. Is everything okay? Evan is sleeping, but he told me you left with Lucas." I asked. I knew my tone was accusatory, I knew it had no right to be, but I couldn't help it.

"Yeah. Huckleberry wasn't in such good shape. So, I just made sure he got home safe." Maya replied, looking everywhere but my face.

"What about Zay?" I pressed. Why couldn't Zay be the one to bring him home.

"You know Zay. If there's good music and food, don't expect him to go home till they're physically kicking him out." Maya, half joked.

"Yeah." It was the only response I could manage. I was numb and I couldn't really explain why.

"I tried getting Huckleberry to spill the beans. But I guess everyone is pretty much tightlipped on what happened between you too."

"Hm."

"I was just trying to help Riley. I'm honestly just trying to help. But you won't let me in." Maya finally looked at me, tears forming in her eyes as she walked over to the couch and sat down next to me. "Some days it feels like we're back to the way things used to be, but sometimes it feels like you won't ever let us move forward.

I looked at her, too tired from tonight's events to formulate a response. So, I just laid my head on her shoulder and quietly responded, "I know Peaches."

"I won't push you but I'm really trying Honey, please believe that."

"So am I" I whispered.