Static
Trigger Warnings: Flashbacks/Distorted memories/disassociation, violence, blood, suicidal thoughts, memory loss.
(This was a part of my journal, this is basically me putting the reader in my shoes, with what I see and hear, and feel when things get too much and when that "Too Much" becomes violence in the times it does.)
You find yourself zoning out as you run through the slightly empty field of grass, smiling and feeling a rush of freedom you haven't felt in a seemingly infinite amount of time.
You feel your anxieties and stress leave you and you actually find yourself tiring somewhat before you spot a tree, jogging to it with slight giddiness that your almost completely new to. Key word being almost. You carefully sit yourself up against the tree and away from the view of anyone that might be going by despite how empty the area is and silently notice that your anxieties still get you with how you worried about being seen just then, even here. You sigh as you notice yourself becoming a slight mix of depressed, confused, and just now slightly happy. The depression bit you notice a bit quicker and tried all the more to ignore, failing since noticing it had only made both your anxiety and depression worse. You have to vent this out somehow, you knew how, just let it run it's course.
You sigh as you close your eyes, having trouble relaxing them in the light of day but forcing yourself to do so anyways. The minute you managed to do so your eyes popped open and you saw a shadowy figure looking down at you. This is normal for you, this is just a thing that reacts to your emotions, you didn't know what you were feeling at the moment… You want to reach out and you find yourself smiling at it mentally even when you don't do so physically. You clearly wanted to but something in your head didn't let you… You couldn't lie to yourself at this point...
You look down at your crossed arms and see blood, you feel phantom touches of the warmth and the cooling of it on your skin as it dries and your breath hitched. You refuse to get up. You squeezed your eyes shut, which was a mistake, for it only made the back of your head seem to fill with static and you find yourself seeming to sit in your own head. It looks like you're watching a movie or playing a first person video game, only… You didn't have control and you couldn't change what you were seeing.
All you could do is watch. But you felt as if you were moving, you felt the sadistic glee light up the almost burning feeling of static in the back of your mind, and you saw the blood. You felt it, covering your arms, chest, and legs… None of it was yours… You saw yourself in a dark basement, one that smelt of both new and old blood and musk. You saw yourself look down, or at least you looked down at the victim with a highly detached feeling weighing heavily in your chest and mind, you were still watching yourself do this… The victim was unknown, in which one side of you felt disturbed about but faintly relieved.
You forced your eyes open and only let a small gasp escape. You didn't move, or at least you think you didn't, you couldn't tell… Everything flickers between the lush green field and the darkness of that basement, phantom feelings of blood still flickering onto your skin and clothing and the static grows heavier. You want to get up, but you know what that'd entail at this point. You don't know why you're grinning…
You dig your nails into your other hand and you bite your lips, tears escaping you. One part of you feels sick pleasure from the pain you're inflicting on yourself and the imagery, and the way you seem to be so scared, or more specifically the way you seemed to be so scared of yourself right now. The other side of you is repulsed by the imagery it sees but all you can feel from that side is confusion and a deepening pit of dread. You find yourself starting ahead blankly…
Soon enough you feel yourself get up, you didn't want to, and your mind turns into pure static… You seem to wake up in a way, you're in your bedroom and you try to think about yesterday. All you can see is bloody imagery and you zone out again you find yourself looking out over your backyard, that always happened when your depression and anxiety got to be too much, what seemed to "always happen" was something you were unsure about. You sat on the windowsill and you felt a sudden heavy weight in your chest, you suddenly wanted to simply let yourself fall limp, the static stopped you. You paused and went back to your room…
You tried to think of yesterday but you couldn't remember it, you shrugged it off, smiled, and went outside. Heading to the wide expanse of the fields near your neighbourhood and giddily going to your favorite tree in the field, the one where no one could see you. You sat under it and closed your eyes, the bright blue skies keeping you from relaxing them too much but you forced yourself through it anyways… There wasn't anymore static. For today at least…..