Before you go onto the story, I feel like I should explain the style of writing that I used. I was trying something new in this chapter as you'll read. The italicized parts aren't related to each other. They are just there for the flow of the story. I intended it to be like flashbacks. It'll be a glimpse into Addison and Derek's relationship. If that makes any sense?
Again, I don't own anything.
"Have you seen the mess you made? You've done enough. Stop looking for my son!" Carolyn Shepherd yelled. Then, quickly hung up.
Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd is a surgeon; a great one. There are certain procedures that only she could do. People would come from different parts of the country just to seek her professional advice. In an OR, she didn't make mistakes. In an OR, she was flawless. She never made the mess; she was just the one that cleaned it up.
"You can be the better person here. You get to walk away while you still have your dignity. He can be with his intern. Mark could continue screwing the nurses, and you can have your baby. Simple. Everyone can be happy. Just choose to be the better person." Addison thought as she laid across the blue double sized bed in Naomi's guest room. Only it wasn't that simple. It can't be. She is just in denial. It's a lot like sweeping the mess under the rug. The mess wouldn't disappear even if she tried her best to ignore it. If she walked away without fixing things with Derek, it'll be like a third of her life would just be tossed aside. A part of her 20s and her 30s would just be kept in a box. All the photos and memorabilia would be thrown in the attic. The houses disposed of. The family ignored. The memories stored in a tiny box in their hearts with a lock and key. All because she had slept with her husband's best friend.
Okay no.
False.
There were definitely a lot of factors as to why her life is such a mess.
Derek ignored her. Every night for years, he chose his work over his wife. He stopped seeing her. To make things worse, Derek sent Mark for all the nights that he couldn't make it to; which was pretty often. Her husband basically set the two of them up. Then, there was Mark. Mark Sloan had charmed her into bed with him. He knew she was vulnerable and confused, yet he pursued Addison. On the night Derek had found them together, Mark had just confessed his love for her. It was Addison's favorite delivery nurse's retirement party, and as usual Derek was a no-show. As expected, Mark Sloan showed up in lieu of her husband. They had a few too many glasses of champagne. On the way home, Mark tucked her hair behind her ear. A move that Mark knew drove her crazy when Derek did it.
"I think I could be falling in love with you Red." Mark whispered as he leaned in to kiss her.
Then, everything just spiraled out of control. Addison slept with Mark. Derek caught them, walked away, moved to Seattle, met the intern, and now Addison and Derek are getting divorced.
"Who would have known that this is how things would end?" Addison shrugged.
"But what if Derek didn't want to be with his intern? what if he didn't want to get divorced? What if Derek wanted to try and fix our marriage? Maybe you still have that option. Maybe you could still have a baby with your husband." The delusional thought once again entered her sub-conscience. The redhead groaned and tossed to her side. It was 2:34 am and she was still wide awake. Addison couldn't sleep at all. She had been going back and forth for a while. She was torn between fighting for her husband and walking away. Another deep sigh managed to escape her. She really did love him.
"Derek have you ever thought that even if I am Satan and an adulterous bitch that I still may be the love of your life?" She offered a gentle smile as she walked back into the empty elevator.
Addison watched as the digital clock beside her slowly changed from 2:34 am to 7:30. She had even watched the sunrise. It's been awhile since she had slept anyway, so this wasn't really new. She hasn't been sleeping for months; even before she slept with Mark. There was just something with being in bed alone. Addison and Derek have been married for a while. It was only natural for her to get used to him playing with her hair as she drifted to sleep. Maybe that's why she could no longer fall asleep. She missed him. She missed how he held her. Being alone was terrifying for Addison. Loneliness was her biggest fear. It had always been dangerous to leave her alone. She was an overthinker. She would always criticize every move that she made that day, every decision, her appearance, her tone, basically everything. It was a part of her nightly routine. Growing up with the Captain and Bizzy would do that to you.
"I promise you that we'll be nothing like your parents. We will love and support our kids so much that it'll be nauseating and suffocating." Derek whispered as they watched Bizzy ignore Addison. Bizzy Forbes Montgomery had required their attendance at a fund raiser, that neither Addison nor Derek knew what the cause was, then had completely ignored her daughter all evening.
"You think about that?" Addison asked her then boyfriend of six months.
"Of course honey. You're the only one I could imagine growing old with." He pulled her by the waist and placed a soft and gentle kiss on her temple.
"Even when my hair turns grey and I'm no longer beautiful?" Addison asked. Being around her mother has once again turned her into the same insecure teenager she once was.
"Even when your hair turns grey." Derek smiled as he reassured her. "And you will always be beautiful."
Addison rolled her eyes and wiggled out of Derek's arm when she noticed how exactly how close they were to each other.
"Addison Montgomery, you are the love of my life." Derek looked at his girlfriend. His right hand made its way to curve on her back to pull her closer to him. While his left hand tucked her hair behind her ear. Their faces were now inches away from each other. "You will always be the most beautiful woman in my eyes. Not even the future little Montgomery-Shepherds could be beat you." He whispered. "Can I have this dance?" Addison nodded absent mindedly. Derek led them to the dancefloor and started to sway with the music. He held her close and tight. He never wanted the song to end. Nothing could compare to that moment. There was nothing that could make the night better. He would always remember that night for that dance, or so he thought.
"I love you too." She mumbled.
"What?" Derek stopped.
"I know you didn't technically say it yet, but you called me the love of your life." She smirked. "Honey based on my records, that's technically an 'I love you,' so I'm simply replying to it."
"You're the only person I know that would try explain that." Derek smiled. Addison giggled. He found that sight to be breathtaking. She was breathtaking. "God you are so beautiful." He didn't even realize that he said it out loud until he saw her blush. He maneuvered his face so close to hers that he could feel her exhale the breath that she didn't know was holding. "I love you Addison." He said so softly that only she could have heard it. He wanted their first -technical- I love you's to be intimate and personal.
"I love you too Derek Shepherd." She whispered as she finally closed the gap between their lips.
As soon as she heard footsteps, she practically bolted out of the bed. She needed to get out of the bedroom. She needed a distraction. She needed to get on with her life. She can't just wait around for her husband to make a choice. It was either Derek wanted her or he didn't. It's his call. She couldn't make that choice for him. She may have even gotten a page from his book of tactics on 'how to avoid your spouse.' Just like him, she walked away. He asked her to stay, yet she walked away. Addison sighed as she reached the banister. This is what they have turned into. Derek lived in Seattle. Addison lived in New York. However, being in LA was refreshing. It was different. It was a distraction. "At least I'm not throwing myself into work, or worse, sleeping with inappropriate people." She thought.
Naomi was already dressed and ready for the day by the time Addison got down. "Hey! Good morning. I knew you'd already be awake." The fertility specialist asked as she handed Addison a fresh cup of coffee. "Did you sleep at all last night?"
"Is it really that obvious?" Addison sunk into the nearest chair she could find.
Naomi nodded. "How long has this been going on?"
"A couple of months." Addison admitted.
"After Derek left?"
"No!" The redhead replied almost immediately. "It started months before that. I don't like being alone."
"Oh Addie." Naomi placed her coffee mug on her countertop and rushed to hug her best friend. Addison was shaking. "Shh it's okay. You don't have to hold it in anymore. I'm right here. I'll hold you. Let it all out." Naomi whispered as Addison started sobbing. Addison never cried. Instead, she would go on auto-pilot. It was almost robotic, so seeing her best friend sobbing was alarming. Derek and Addison really did hurt each other. "If this is how heartbroken Addie is, then how's Derek taking all of this?" Naomi thought. She knew that he had a girlfriend in Seattle, but Addison and Derek were basically Addison and Derek. He too must be devastated. Addison and Naomi stayed that way for a while. Neither of them spoke. There was a mutual understanding that this was enough. Being there was enough for them.
Addison was the first to move. She wiggled out of Naomi's arms when she heard Maya's door close. "That must be Maya." Addison announced the obvious as she wiped her tears. Her eyes were puffy and her face was red, but she still tried her best to hide the fact that she just cried in her best friend's kitchen at 7 in the morning. "I should go and get ready." Addison panicked.
"You have plans?" Naomi asked.
"Well no." Addison cringed. "I could go to the beach?" It was more of a question than a statement.
Naomi smirked. "You could help me at the practice if you want. I only have 2 patients today. We can go shopping after."
"I'd like that."
"Well go on then" Naomi teased. Addison glared at Naomi, then walked back to her room.
As soon as Naomi Bennett heard Addie's door close, she grabbed her cellphone to dial a number that she hasn't dialed in a really long time.
Almost immediately after Dr. Bailey left the elevator, Derek was paged to the OR. There had been an emergency with one of his patients, and he needed to operate as quickly as he could. The surgery was long and complicated. The patient coded twice. He kept having to stop the bleeding. The entire procedure must have been at least 4 hours long. Then, to make things worse, there was a road accident that came in almost immediately after he scrubbed out. He had three consecutive surgeries. Derek was exhausted, but at least his patients were all stable. "At least it was a distraction." Derek thought as he was scrubbing out. Hopefully for the last time. Time stopped in the OR. At least that's what it felt like. In the OR, Derek was in charge. He knew what to do. In the OR, he called all the shots. He is a surgeon; a great one. There are certain procedures that only he could do. People would come from different parts of the country just to seek his professional advice. He is good, neat even; he never made a mess.
Wish he could say that about his personal life too. Now, that he was out of the OR, time continued to tick. He was back to reality. The impending decision between Addison and Meredith was still hanging over his head. It also didn't help that Meredith Grey was on his service today. She had scrubbed in the surgery with him. Honestly, if he wasn't as good as he is, he would have probably gotten distracted with her presence. Her doe eyes were staring at him much longer than she should have been. It was quite obvious that her stare came longing. Derek sighed. He needed to talk to both Addison and Meredith, but he knew that he wanted to talk to Addie first. As soon as he saw Meredith coming close to the scrub room, he rushed out. He knew that she would want to talk to him about their situation, and she had every right to. He just couldn't do it yet.
Derek practically ran to the locker room. He walked so quickly that he had caught the attention of some patients and nurses. Once he got to the locker room, he bolted to his locker. He needed to check his phone.
No messages.
No missed calls.
Addison didn't even want to talk to him. He knew that she was already be in LA. He had wasted half of the day hiding in on call rooms and riding the elevator, then spent the other half of the day in an OR. He looked at the date and time. It was morning. "Was she asleep? Is it too early to call her?" He contemplated. He missed her.
"Derek have you ever thought that even if I am Satan and an adulterous bitch that I still may be the love of your life?" She offered a gentle smile as she walked back into the empty elevator.
Derek sighed. He missed her more than he thought.
"When I look at you, I want to remember how you looked at our wedding. I want the image of you in the silk white dress walking down the aisle to be the first thing I remember, but it isn't. At least not anymore. When I look at you, I remember him."
That was true when he had said it, but it isn't anymore. When he closes his eyes, he remembers the night he realized that he needed to marry her. The way she looked that night is forever carved into his memories. He had always found her beautiful, but nothing could compare to that moment.
It was Derek's turn to pick up the dinner that night. Typically, they would go for Chinese take out, but on that particular night, they wanted to try something else. So Derek got Italian. "Honey! I'm home." He cringed at his announcement. It was cliche.
She emerged from the bedroom and immediately ran up to him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and showered him with kisses. The take out was now forgotten.
"Addie? What's wrong?" Derek was confused. Not that he was ungrateful for his girlfriend's random act of affection.
"The Mount Sinai papers came in while you were out." Addison grinned. This was the first time Derek had noticed her appearance. Addison was wearing a grey YALE sweatshirt that was too big for her. It was her typical choice of clothing whenever they would just stay in all day. She didn't have any make up on, and her hair was wavy.
"Please don't tell me you opened it without me." Derek joked. He knew just how impatient Addison was.
"Of course not." She pulled out the envelopes. "I wanted to share this moment with you." She blushed. He found that sight to be breathtaking. She was breathtaking. "God you are so beautiful."
Derek dropped the plastic bag in his hand and placed a kiss on her forehead.
"On the count of three we open it together. Okay?"
"Okay."
"1. 2. 3" They quickly ripped the white envelopes and read the contents of the letter. The grin on her face automatically said that she got in. Not that he doubted it for a second. Addison was the Magna Cum Laude. She was a sure in. Derek''s face, however, was unreadable. He wasn't sad nor was he happy. He was just watching her. Her hair was unruly and covered a part of her face. It was a darker shade of red at that time. Her eyes had bags under it. Her ratty Yale sweatshirt was barely covering her. Her pale legs were pretty much evident. She wasn't even wearing shoes. She was perfect.
"Der? Are you okay?" She grabbed both his hands. He remained silent. She leaned closer resting her forehead on his. He looked into her eyes.
"Thank you for waiting for me." He finally mumbled. "I can't imagine doing this with anyone else."
"Derek there are plenty of other great hospitals out there."
"Marry me." Derek blurted.
Addison stepped back. "What?"
"I am asking you to marry me." Derek said a little louder.
"Derek if this is cause of Mount Sinai then"
"It isn't. I got in" Derek admitted. Although, that piece of information was now insignificant.
"You're just not thinking straight." Addison was as confused as ever.
"I just can't imagine going through moments like this without you." He grabbed her waist and kissed him. The kiss was passionate and slow. Neither of them wanted it to end. "So is that a yes?"
"At Sam and Naomi's engagement party, you told Mark that you promised your dad that you'd do it the way he wishes he did it. You promised your dad that you will propose in front of your family, with a ring, and flowers. I won't let you break your promise." She twirled a piece of his hair. "Ask me again with a ring and in front of your family." She grabbed the plastic bag and started to head to the kitchen.
Derek nodded. "So is that a yes?"
"Ask me again and you'll find out. Now come on. The food is getting cold."
Derek dialed his wife's phone number. The dial tone haunted him. Would she even answer? Derek stayed on the phone for a few more agonizing seconds. Desperately wanting to talk to Addison. What would he even say?
'I miss you. Please come back.' No. She would hate that.
"I'm sorry for being an ass for the past few years." Maybe. It would get her attention, but it wasn't the only thing he wanted to say.
"I made a mistake. I'm sorry for the way I've been for the past few years. I miss you, and there's no one else I'd rather be with. I love you. Let's go home." Getting there. She would not totally hate it, but he knew she wouldn't be convinced.
She didn't answer the call. He went straight to voicemail. Derek groaned. He had really messed it up. He quickly started to pace around the tiny space he had. He needed to find a way to talk to her. McDreamy was so invested in his pacing that he didn't even notice someone enter the room.
"I lied." Meredith said to announce her presence.
"Meredith" Derek was surprised. He wanted to talk to Addison before he talked to Meredith. He already knew what to say to Addie, so that made it easy. But he still had no clue on what to tell the blonde intern.
"I'm not out of this relationship. I'm in. I'm so in its humiliating because here I am begging"
"Meredith" Derek interrupted as he closed his locker. He needed to get out. He couldn't deal with this now.
"Just shut up. You say 'Meredith' and I yell, remember?
"Yeah." Derek nodded.
"Okay, here it is. Your choice, it's simple. Her or me. And I'm sure she's really great. But Derek, I love you. In a really, really big - pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me. I'll be at Joe's tonight. So if you do decide to sign the papers, meet me there." She stepped closer unsure whether to kiss him or slap him. She did love him, but Derek Shepherd was complicated. Just as she was about to lean in, she stopped herself. Instead, she turned around. She didn't need to confuse him more by kissing him.
"I was married for 11 years." Derek blurted. Meredith stopped walking. Afraid of whats coming next, she kept her back turned. "Addison is my family. That is 11 Thanksgivings, 11 birthdays and 11 Christmases. And in one day, I'm supposed to sign a piece of paper and end my family? A person doesn't do that. I can't do that." He admitted. His voice was shaky, but that was because of the regret. Derek Shepherd was picking Addison Shepherd. "I'm really sorry Meredith." He added. Meredith walked away. For a brief moment, Derek thought about following Meredith, but he knew that would just confuse the young girl. He had already done enough damage. Instead, Derek sat on the bench. He grabbed his phone once again.
Just as he was about to call Addison, a familiar number flashed on his screen.
Naomi Bennett.
Derek quickly answered.
"Come to Los Angeles." Naomi said instantly. Her tone was assertive mixed with anger. That wasn't a good sign. "Get your butt on a plane right now and come here." Naomi added.
"Does Addie know you called me?"
"Of course not."
"How is she?" Derek asked the question he feared.
"Absolutely devastated." Naomi's tone was now softer. "She was always afraid of being alone Derek, and you left her alone." Naomi had always been the 'the responsible one' of their group; especially in medical school. The dark skinned woman was a mom after all. Naomi was the one you'd call when you need someone to tell you the honest truth. She's the one that tells you right from wrong, and she was unapologetic about it. "Addison was always there for you. She was there when you lost your first patient. She was there went Amelia almost died. She was there for the good, the bad and everything in between. You do not get to break her heart. Sure she made a mistake, but at least she did something." Naomi groaned in frustration. "If only you weren't you and she wasn't she, I would tell her to move on. That you aren't worth all this heartache, but you're Addison and Derek."
"We are" Derek smiled. He loved that he and his wife had somehow merged into one person.
"Don't make the same mistake. Don't walk away again." Naomi pleaded.
And with that. He knew exactly what to do and what to tell Addison. "I'll be there as soon as I can. I'm going to fix this. I started all of this mess, and I'm going to clean it up."
Hope you liked it! Please review!