Jace has a nightmare about hurting Alec. Alec is still in his room and talks to him about it. Review please!
His brother is standing right in front of him. He is uninjured, unhurt, perfectly fine. He presses his lips together, looking at his brother and staring. Alec. It's just Alec. Jace reaches forward to touch him, to pull him into a hug, to get to him. He just wants comfort in his parabatai. That's when the knife goes in. The knife enters his stomach. Jace can't stop himself. He stabs Alec twice, three times, again and again.
Alec watches with such pain on his face he can't hold it back. Not pain from the stabbing but pain from the person wielding the blade. Betrayal. Complete and utter betrayal. It's terrifying.
"This is your fault," Alec says. "Why would you do this to me? Your fault!"
"Alec! No!"
Then he wakes up.
"Alec," Jace screams. "Alec!"
"I'm here! Jace! I'm right here!" Alec shouts back, grabbing his arm. He shakes his arm violently, to get him to look in his direction. Finally, Jace's eyes fall on Alec.
"Alec?" he asks.
Alec nods and puts his hand on his back, sitting close to him. He puts his arm around him when Jace leans closer, resting his head down. Jace's shoulders are shaking, his body is almost convulsing, feeling so much fear, it is scaring him.
"Jace, it's okay," Alec tells him.
"No. It's not. It's not okay. I killed you. I broke your wrist, I choked you, I stabbed you. Alec…I was going to kill you and now I see it in my dreams. What I was going to do, I can feel it all the time, Alec. I can see it all the time and it terrifies me. What if I hurt you again? What if something happens and I have to—"
"Stop. Just stop. Jace you are not going to hurt me. You never hurt me. It wasn't you. I never thought it was you, Jace. You shouldn't have to think about it any of it. I'm right here. We're fine," Alec promises.
Jace shakes his head. His eyes are so red, his face so pained that his shoulders hunch over and his body throbs.
"Jace," Alec whispers.
He doesn't look up. He doesn't even turn his head. He can't manage to think long enough to complete a coherent thought. All of this thoughts are of pain and terror. He only knows this pain. He can only see himself hurting Alec over and over again. Then it's not just Alec. Then it's Clary. He had been waiting so long to hold her in his arms, to let her hold him, to let her heal him after all of this time. But it never happened. Then she was gone and he could never feel that comfort again.
Maybe he can find some of it in Alec.
"She's gone," Jace says.
"I know."
"She's gone. I loved her. I could finally be with her and she's gone," he says in a fitful of crying.
Alec doesn't know what to do. He never liked Clary but he liked how brave she was. He liked that she wasn't afraid to get the job done and he loved that she made Jace feel safe and human again. After everything he had been through, at least he could look forward to holding her. And now he has no one. He truly is alone.
That thought hurts both of the boys so badly, they groan. Alec bites his lip to keep from scaring Jace but Jace does not have the will power to control such emotions so he calls out in horror.
"Why can I feel your pain like this?" Alec asks.
"I don't know," Jace says.
"Do you think this is permanent?"
"I hope not or that's going to get really awkward for me when you go home with Magnus tonight," Jace says. It was not as good as one of his regular jokes but it is enough to make Alec smile for him. At least he can remember who he is. At least he can remember to joke around, even though his heart feels like it is being ripped from his chest.
"Alec?"
"Hm?"
"Do you have nightmares like that?"
"Sometimes, yeah," he says with a shrug. "Why?"
"How do you get out of them?" Jace asks. Both boys relax on the headboard of the bed, with pillows behind their backs, knowing they must look a wreck. With half assed smiles on their faces, red rimmed eyes and shaken bodies, they are a terrible sight but at least they have each other, if nothing else.
"Magnus usually wakes me up."
"She used to do that for me, if she were with me," Jace says and then looks to Alec with hand behind his head. "But then how do you make the pain go away afterwards? They linger."
"Distraction," Alec says, unsure of how else to say that.
"So sex," Jace says.
"Pretty much."
The two boys laugh again. It feels good to laugh with each other, to relax, to just be. They haven't been able to do that in a very long time. Though their fight is not over, their grief is still so present, they think that maybe they will be able to heal.
"There's another problem. I don't know how I'm going to do this alone," Jace admits. Admitting it is hard but he just wants to tell Alec everything after not being able to feel or talk to him for so long.
"You aren't alone," Alec assures. "You'll never be alone again, Jace."
He nods.
"In that case, will you stay a while if I go back to sleep?"
Alec agrees.
"I think I'm gonna catch some rest too," he says. The pair lay back on the bed, resting their eyes and eventually falling asleep beside the other. And though they are not physically touching, every moment that they are together, they can feel the other one, knowing exactly what it feels like to have them there.
It is true: they will never be alone again.