The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is bored out of its mind. Try to guess what favorite show of mine I'm also referencing. This is just madness from my tiny little mind on how Mallory is handling…
Exile In La La Land
"Another Saturday night…" Mallory sighed as she sat by Archer's bedside at the hospital. "And I'm doing nothing. God Sterling your coma has really cut into my social life!"
"Oh, who am I kidding?" Mallory sighed. "With me in exile away from my beloved New York…You ruined my social life long before this!"
Mallory looked at her son. "Not even going to defend yourself huh? That's a first."
"Is this how all those ugly unpopular girls felt in high school every weekend? Huh. I don't care for it. Now I know why they were such bitches towards me and my friends."
Mallory's phone rang. "Now who could that be?" Mallory remarked. "Not that I'm complaining…I could use a break from all this silence."
"Oh, hello Candice," Mallory answered the phone. "I haven't heard from you in a while. It's good to hear a friendly voice. Even yours."
"How am I doing?" Mallory sighed as she looked at her son. "Pretty much the same. Sterling is still in a coma. My husband is still being an asshole. My granddaughter's mother is still clueless. And my employees are still idiots. Same old. Same old."
"How's California? Horrible! Between the smog, the heat, the fires, the earthquakes, the mudslides, the rampant crime and terrible traffic it's like living in Hell. But with better shopping."
"Don't get me started on the taxes over here. Or the cost of health care."
"I thought New York was bad with taxes. But compared to here it's like New Hampshire!"
"What's new with you Candice?" Mallory asked. "I need to know what's going on in New York. God, I miss that city. I never should have let my son talk me into moving to LA. He probably would have never gotten shot by a crazy starlet for one!"
"Then again this is Sterling. And he has been known to skulk around Broadway. Odds are fifty-fifty that would have happened anyway."
"So, what's new with you?" Mallory asked. "Of course, I didn't hear. Candice did I or did I not just explain that I'm practically in exile in La La Land? How would I hear anything? Except for you most of my so-called friends in society have cut me completely dead!"
"What really surprises me is that Mildred never called," Mallory grumbled. "She was one of the few people I actually liked! And I thought she liked me. I can't understand why she didn't call me. I must have left her five messages after Sterling was shot. There's no reason why she couldn't call back!"
Mallory paused. "Mildred is dead? Okay that is a good reason."
"How did it happen? What? When? Oh my. No, I agree. She should have never gone climbing Mt. Everest at her age."
"The place has become a tourist trap anyway. Even back in the day when I climbed it with my mountaineer boyfriend it wasn't that big a deal. You see one snow covered mountain top you've pretty much seen them all."
"What do you mean there wasn't any funeral?" Mallory asked. "Her body is frozen to the mountain? They can't get it off! They couldn't even retrieve her phone because it was frozen to her body? Well that explains why all my messages go straight to voice mail."
"Really? Stuck right on the side of the mountain facing the sunset. Right next to a twenty something thrill seeker and an elderly multimillionaire? Well Mildred did always have a knack for choosing a good seat I'll give her that."
"At least she's not buried in LA. Or Jersey."
"Are there any other deaths I should know about?" Mallory asked. "Who died? Nordine? How? That woman never ate a fatty food in her life. She was practically a rabbit. A tea tolling rabbit! Such a bore at parties. How did she die?"
Mallory was stunned as she listened. "What the hell was Nordine doing on a cruise ship in the first place? That woman got seasick just looking at a painting of the ocean!"
"I agree, she shouldn't have been leaning so far over the railing. Let me guess her memorial service was at sea, right? Figures."
"Not that I would have wanted to go to that one. Nordine's funeral sounds about as interesting as a root canal."
"What else happened?" Mallory asked. "Mrs. Minever-VanDusen died? Finally! That woman was pushing 80 when I was in my twenties! Well she seemed like she was 80. So how did the old bat finally die? Heart attack? Natural causes?"
Mallory paused. "Parasailing accident with her forty-something lover? Really? Right over Shark Cove. Well that's one way to go."
"As long as she's gone, I don't care! Never did like that self-absorbed self-righteous bitch. So, who inherited her money? Her? That little floozy? Oh my God. Well that money will be gone within a few years! You can bet on that!"
"Actually, with the way she gambles she'll most likely bet all of it away."
Mallory listened for more news. "Connie lost her husband? Another one? What is this? Number five or six? Oh right. Only five. The bigamy incident doesn't count. Well how did he die?"
"Oh," Mallory frowned. "She literally lost him. He went on a trip to the Amazon with his birdwatching tour and got separated from the group. Nothing new huh? Well let me know if the search party turns up any remains. I'll send her a card."
"I've never cared for birdwatchers. Such an odd breed. They'll stand for hours in the freezing cold and snow in some god forsaken marsh to get a glimpse of some bird. But they won't go down two blocks in a drizzle to get takeout. Strange breed."
Mallory listened. "Oh Mrs. Grandville's granddaughter has come out. That's nice. I wasn't aware debutante season was…Oh. Not that kind of coming out. I see."
"Frankly I'm shocked. I've met the girl. Didn't seem the type with all the pink and sparkles she wears. Are you sure she's not just saying it to piss off her parents? That girl makes Cinderella look butch."
"Miss Gillette wearing pink and sparkles. Yeah that's one thing but her…"
"Who else died? Lauren Der Vendermeer. Who the hell was that? Oh her. No, we didn't run around in a lot of circles. I always found her dull and boring. The only causes she found interesting were her church and those damn cat shelters. How did she die? Hairball down her throat?"
Mallory blinked. "I was only joking Candice! Seriously? That's how she died? Irony."
"Let me guess. Her money went to cat shelters. Am I right? What? She didn't have a will? Seriously? Well then who inherited her fortune?"
"Who's her great niece? WHAT? Dolores Wainscott? That bitch? She gets all that money?! Damn her!"
"Oh, I know who she is all right. Horrible woman. Let's just say her son has the same taste in women his father had!"
"Yes, Candice I am more than aware of Barney's closing. We have one in LA. Or at least we had one. Oh God Candice it's the end of an era. They wouldn't even take an online order. I had to decide between staying by my son's bedside and running down for one last time."
"It's just as well. Sterling didn't wake up anyway. Didn't even notice I was gone. Typical. I got a fabulous Dries Van Noten dress half off. As well as some lovely jewelry and a pair of St. Laurent Footwear. Black. Very stylish."
"Not as much as you'd think. I had a gift card for over a thousand dollars. I have no idea where Sterling got it. But it was going to expire anyway so I figured why not? Might as well put it to good use. Also used his frequent shopper points in the exclusive customer program. Again, he's not using it. Why should I let it go to waste?"
"It's the least he can do considering what he's been putting me through."
"It's so sad Candice. Not like the old days at all," Mallory sighed. "It nearly broke my heart to see Barney's go. So many memories. Now that I think about it, I have more pleasant memories going to Barney's than I do of spending time with my own son."
"What do you mean by someone else may be spending time but not in a shop?" Mallory asked. "Yes. I remember Eugena DeMelens. Pretentious snotty cow. Always looking down on us. Just because she had a great aunt that was a duchess. What about her?"
"I am more than aware of the cheating scandal! I was nearly caught up in it! Thank God I had the foresight to pay cash. And I was able to convince the prosecutors that Sterling was a special needs student. Seriously, how does anyone get a 123 on an SAT?"
"Yes, Candice I know. You get about two hundred points for just writing down your name. That's my point! I don't even want to know how plastered he was."
"NO!" Mallory gasped. "Are you serious? Mrs. Prim and Proper got busted for bribery! Oh, that is just perfect! I knew it! I knew she had to bribe someone to get her children into college! They're as bright as mud! They make Sterling look like a Rhodes Scholar!"
"What happened? Oh. What did she get? Three months and a hundred thousand dollars in fees? And an additional 300 hours community service? When will she be out? I see!"
"Candice you just made my night!" Mallory laughed. "Oh, I am so glad you called. What do you mean I'm probably the only one? What does that mean?"
Mallory listened for a moment. "Candice how would I know what happened to you if you don't tell me? I'm way out here in a cultural wasteland! Remember?"
Mallory frowned. "Yes, I remember you telling me about your son cheating on your daughter in law. And they got back together. And she became a fashion designer of some sort with her own boutique. What happened?"
Mallory listened. "Wait there was a tell all? About what? Your family? Who would write about your family?"
"Don't get mad with me, Candice! It's a legitimate question!"
"Your daughter in law's former assistant. Okay why would he write…? He got mad that she wouldn't give him credit about some design and she fired him. So, he wrote a stupid tell all in revenge? What could he possibly write about your family?"
"Okay the affairs and a few minor sex scandals in your past. But who doesn't have that? I'm seriously asking."
"Trust me Candice, if you knew about some of the men I've been involved with…You would have a heart attack. Literally. And so would some people in the State Department."
"What did he write about? Oh…Yes, I could see how that would be embarrassing for you. And your best friend. And her husband. And the people who worked at that bowling alley."
"Oh," Mallory frowned. "He found proof that it was your other daughter in law who got you sequestered for a whole two weeks on jury duty. Yikes. Yes, I can imagine you weren't happy with her when you found out. She admitted it? Of course, she did. And of course, your son took his wife's side. And for a while you weren't speaking to either of them."
"To be fair Candice," Mallory remarked. "You did throw a few sex parties in your son's apartment without his permission. And didn't invite me. Well yes, I know I'm all the way out here in California and couldn't have come anyway! But it's the thought that counts!"
"Well of course they were going to find out Candice! Especially after you and your guests posted so many pictures on your Space Book pages! I recognized some of the tattoos on a lot of your guests! Still hurtful that I wasn't invited!"
"Besides, how was your daughter in law to know that they don't allow alcohol in juries? Even I didn't know that for a long time! And I've dated a few lawyers over the years. And a couple of mob bosses."
"So, what happened then? What? No, I don't know what happened. I don't watch the Windy Wallace show. It's not even on the hospital stations here. No, LA prefers its own version. Drag Queen talk shows are in now. And honestly they are better dressers."
"I wouldn't worry so much about your reputation. Candice that name isn't that well recognized outside of New York. What do you mean Israel recognized it? WHAT? What do you mean Mossad had that name on its suspected Nazi list? Did you tell them it was a coincidence? Your family fled Germany during that time period. I mean…Oh wait…Yeah, I can see how they would think that. But come on! I mean…"
"What other evidence? Yes, I remember that Monet you used to have. What does that painting you have in your foyer have to do with…? It was stolen? From a Jewish family in the 40's? That disappeared. Ewwwww…That's not good."
"What happened then? What? A DNA test? Why? Oh. It revealed what? You're kidding me? You're Jewish? And Romanian Gypsy? Not German? Well that's a bonus! What? You just said you weren't a Nazi! That proves it!"
"They dug more into your background? What did they find? You're kidding?"
"So, it turns out that your family murdered a Nazi family in order to take their identities and flee to America. After the Nazi husband murdered a friend of the family who had the painting which he stole. Oohhh. Yeah that makes sense."
"You still had to give up the painting. That's a bummer. Still better than prison. Or an assassination."
"You're Jewish huh? Well now you have more in common with your other daughter in law. The one who sent you to jury duty because of the sex parties. Yeah, I would imagine that would give you two something to talk about."
"What do you mean you only talk about it on the phone? You moved away from New York? Why? Because everyone in our social circle pretty much cut you dead. Been there. Well where are you living now? Seattle? To get as far away from New York as possible."
"What about your sons? The older one and his wife are still in New York. Uh huh. What? Your younger son and his wife got divorced? I'm sorry Candice. But let's be honest. We could all see that coming."
"In fact, I remember telling you at their wedding it wasn't going to last. What are you mad at me for? I was right, wasn't I?
"So how did the marriage fall apart? She lost her designer business when the scandal broke? Oh…And her husband was caught having another affair. That would do it."
"Where did she move to? Harford, Connecticut? Oh right, her family is there. Working for her father now I see. I take it the children are with her. What? She gave your son full custody? All six of them? Well that's just low."
"That's the other reason you're in Seattle. So that your son can't ask you to babysit. Smart."
"Well it's been good to talk to you Candice. Hope everything works out for you. Oh, you have a date tonight with a barista? That's what I like about you. No matter what life throws at you, you always manage to land on your back. Take care darling. Bye."
"Great," Mallory grumbled as she hung up the phone. "There goes my best connection to all the gossip in New York. Fat lot of good news from Seattle is going to do me! Nobody else I know is in Seattle! Now what am I going to do?"
Mallory looked at her son. "That's right. Don't offer any help. Typical."
"Unless…" Mallory pulled out a black book from her purse and looked up a number. She then dialed it.
"Hello? Connie? It's Mallory," Mallory spoke into the phone. "I just heard about your husband. I am so sorry for your loss…What's that dear? You're on a date? With whom? The head of your husband's search party."
"Am I correct to assume that your period of mourning is over?"
"Well how about I call you tomorrow? Oh. You don't mind talking now? What about your date? Oh, the Viagra just wore off. Oh well then we have plenty of time."
"Oh no," Mallory sighed. "No change. My son is still in a coma. My husband is still an asshole. Say did you hear about Candice? Wasn't that scandalous? Yes, I know. Shame about her younger son's marriage. But I told you those two weren't going to last."
"What's going on dear? What? Your date is having a heart attack? Ugh I hate when that happens. Yes, I suppose you should call an ambulance. Call me later."
"I'll put her in the maybe column," Mallory shrugged as she hung up. "Wait a minute…What am I doing calling people at night to find out more gossip?"
Mallory went to her phone. "Let's go on the old Space Book pages. Huh. Trudy Beekman is throwing another god-awful party. Surprise, surprise. God that dress is tacky."
"Thank God for social media nowadays," Mallory remarked. "Now I can find out exactly what's going on back home!"
"I don't know why I didn't think of this in the first place. It certainly saves me time and sanity than actually talking to people!"