A/N: I am truly sorry. This might be the most ridiculous thing I have ever written. I don't even know. Yikes.
"Holy—Oh my god!"
The yell came from the bar and made Deeks immediately drop what he was doing in the kitchen. "Kens," he called as he walked through the swinging door into the dining area. "You okay?"
"Deeks, what the HELL is that?" Kensi asked, clutching a hand to her chest.
Deeks followed her eyes behind the bar. "Oh. That's my Nell-f on the Shelf."
"Your what?"
"Nell-f on the Shelf. I made it up. I thought it was funny."
"It looks like it came from hell, not the North Pole," Kensi told him. "Where did you get it?"
"I ordered it from Etsy. It was kind of expensive too."
The doll in question was sitting prominently on a shelf behind the bar, wearing the familiar red pajamas and hat of the popular elf, but the face had been reshaped and painted to resemble…well, possibly their resident tech nerd, if she'd suffered some truly tragic facial injuries.
"Take it down!" Kensi ordered.
"No way! It's a fun holiday decoration," he said, offended. "Besides, if you touch it, it loses its magic."
"I don't want it to have magic. If it has magic it'll go upstairs and murder Callen in his sleep and then come after us. You've created our own holiday horror movie."
"It's cute."
"It's hideous. It looks like it's best friends with Chuckie. Take. It. Down."
Deeks wasn't giving up so easily. "It was forty-five bucks plus shipping!" he protested. "The shop came highly rated."
"I don't care if it was a million dollars. That thing is going to drive all our customers away."
"Or," Deeks held up a finger, "it will be a conversation piece and bring in lots of new Squiddies."
Kensi winced. "I hate that you call our regulars that."
"Ah, but they love it. Hence why I should make the decision about the Nell-f. I know what the people want."
"If you know what's good for you, you'll do what your wife wants."
"Not this time Fern. The Nell-f stays."
She glared at him and pulled out her phone. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"Getting a second opinion."
Moments later footsteps descended the staircase and Callen appeared. "I thought we all agreed that you couldn't call me to be a tie breaker in your arguments anymore," he said.
"Yeah, this is more than an argument," Kensi said, stepping aside so he could see the horror behind the bar.
"Whoa!" His hand went to his hip but he managed to recover before actually drawing his weapon. "Is that a…what the hell is that?"
"It's a Nell-f on the Shelf," Deeks said again in exasperation.
"Did you put it through a blender?" Callen asked, unable to take his eyes off it.
"Wow, you two are no fun. Santa's bringing coal for your stockings," Deeks huffed as he headed back to the kitchen. "Don't touch my Nell-f!"
Two days later the team had finished up for the night and decided to stop for a quick drink before they went their separate ways for the holidays. It was late and the bar had closed an hour earlier so they had the place to themselves. The room was lit only with the Christmas lights Deeks had put up when they walked in. "Who's ready for the Squid and Dagger holiday specialty cocktail?" Deeks asked as he snapped on the bar lights.
"Ah!" Eric yelled.
Nell jumped in surprise. "Eric what—" her eyes found the object of his terror and she grabbed his arm. "Holy shit!"
"Deeks what the fuck is that?" Sam asked, his voice low and dangerous.
"Oh I forgot three of you haven't seen the Nell-f yet," Deeks said.
"Is that…" Nell swallowed, her eyes wide with horror. "Is that supposed to be me?"
"Yep. Custom made Nellvarine-style elf."
"Drown it," Eric said.
"Burn it," Sam suggested.
"Take it down!" Nell said. "Deeks I can't believe you've been letting people look at that."
"We tried to tell him," Callen said, taking a sip of his beer.
"Guys, I don't see what the big deal is. It's a funny holiday tchotchke," Deeks said, reaching for a couple of bottles.
"Deeks I'm serious, if you don't take that thing down right now, I will," Nell threatened, but she looked apprehensive at the thought of touching it.
"Wasn't it on the bottom shelf yesterday?" Kensi said warily.
Deeks shrugged. "Mama probably moved it when she was cleaning."
"Since when does your mother clean anything?" Kensi asked.
"Well one of the other bartenders then."
"I happen to know that none of the other bartenders want to be alone in the room with that thing, let alone touch it," Callen told him.
"Ah!" Eric yelled again. "It moved!"
"Guys come on," Deeks said. "It's a toy. It can't move by its—"
The doll fell off the shelf and onto the floor. The entire team took a giant step back, huddling together against the pool table. Deeks vaulted over the bar. "Holy shit," he said breathlessly.
"We've gotta get out of here," Callen said.
"And call a witch doctor," Deeks agreed. "Everybody out!"
"I told you so!" Kensi said furiously as he pushed her toward the front door. "Next time listen to your wife!"
"And to all a goodnight!" Deeks said, slamming the door shut behind him.
A/N: I literally cannot even with myself. Happy holidays to all those celebrating. Don't buy creepy stuff off of Etsy.