The Greatest Prank That Was Never Pulled
Horatius
"So what's so important that you called me away from my holiday wanderings, Kischur?"
The old Vampire doesn't reply other than to keep cutting open a bunch of delivery boxes, distractedly asking, "Where's Altera and Scáthach? I was hoping they would be here."
"They decided to visit Scáthach's old stomping ground for a few days, we were gonna meet up on New Year's. Why?"
In a familiar gesture he ignores my question and instead asks, "So you know how I usually pull some kind of benign prank during the holidays?"
"I wouldn't call replacing Rudolph's glowing nose with a facet of the Jewel Sword 'benign' but continue."
He starts chucking reams of wrapping paper over his shoulder and setting down dozens of little Elf figurines, prompting me to raise an eyebrow.
"Well this Christmas I decided to do something a little special. And you're going to help me with it alongside-"
A knock at his room's door has me raising an eyebrow, the Sorcerer snapping his fingers in a distracted manner and causing the entryway to swing open.
"So what's the big rush, Schweinorg? Calling me out on a-oh, long time no see, Horatius-kun!"
A long mane of red hair, bright blue eyes and attractive Japanese features greet me as Aoko Aozaki strides into the room, an answering grin of my own matching her upraised lips.
"Aoko-chan! It's been what, two years? How's my favorite girl who leapt through time?"
She rolls her eyes at my favorite cultural joke but returns my hug nonetheless, flippantly replying, "Oh you know, same as usual. Cosmic threat over there, cosmic threat over here. Geez, save the world once and it's your job forever. Where's Altera-chan and Scáthach-chan?"
"Off enjoying a well deserved vacation of their own. Although this now begs the question...the last time the three of us were gathered together like this-"
"We ended up in a cage match against ORT, I know. It's the frickin' holidays, Schweinorg! I get that even you try to be serious once in a while but I just want to relax!"
The Apostle merely grunts as he finishes unpacking the final box, a wreath of mistletoe joining the elves and stuffed plushies before he grins back at us.
"No worries, no worries! Today we're just going to have a little fun with the Mage Association and call it a night, sound acceptable?"
Both Aozaki and I share a glance.
"Replace the word 'Mage Association' with 'Mercury' and you have an almost word-to-word reenactment of your pitch before we ended up fighting for our lives against a damned Aristoteles."
The Vampire clicks his tongue in annoyance.
"Oh sure, bring up the truth. But seriously, no battles against super aliens today. Instead I need you to follow me around and say ominous things as I decorate the Association. We should be done by tonight."
Another glance is shared between me and the redhead.
"...What exactly are you planning, Kischur?"
His grin in response to my question would send Primate Murder running away on the pronto.
"And just why would I spoil all the fun? You two will just have to wait and see like everybody else."
Two simultaneous sighs leave the both of us, resigned to the fact that helping this lunatic will probably be far easier than brushing him off.
…
And, you know, we are kinda curious.
"So how's Shiki doing? I hear he and Arcueid finally managed to reunite after awhile."
Aoko kicks her legs back and forth from where she's perched on a nearby bit of furniture, cheerily replying, "Oh, they're doing great! The kid finally found his resolve and made his decisions, I'm just happy to have helped out!"
I raise an eyebrow and amusedly ask, "Help hitch the Death Perception and White Princess together? Aoko-chan, I don't know if you've created one incredibly powerful deterrent against threats to Humanity or doomed us all."
She winks playfully.
"Well, you know me! Always stay true to yourself and worry about the consequences later!"
"I think I read that in a fortune cookie once. Go figure you're life philosophy could be summarized within a small dessert."
A sharp smack and pouty frown on my arm has me chuckling as we go back to watching the main entrance to the Clock Tower, a massive staircase almost ten meters wide and forty something long, inlaid with expensive wood and precious metals.
My request to have a zipline added to the damn thing was summarily denied.
And through the constant stream of traffic, of Magi and Enforcers and occasional Atlas member and who knows what else...Kischur has set up shop, humming carols to himself while standing atop a ladder, hanging Christmas wreaths from the ceiling by hammering nails into them and no doubt giving the architects who designed this place minor heart attacks even beyond the grave.
The looks he's receiving are, put bluntly, nothing short of fucking hilarious.
Newbies to the Association openly gawk and point, veterans pale and swiftly leave the premises...and the Lords-ever the dignified, pompous assholes that they are-adopt a more regal form of powerwalking as Aoko and I just hang around and chat, adding an extra flair of ominousness to the decoration process.
Two wielders of True Magic, one with a reputation as an incorrigible prankster and the other as stubborn and headstrong as they come, alongside a dude who could physically rip the planet in two if he ever felt like it tends to make people nervous.
"Wizard Marshall...what in the name of the Root are you doing now?"
I raise an eyebrow at the brave soul who finally accosts the Apostle, Lord El-Melloi the II. Haven't really talked to him before although Kischur mentioned him as being a pragmatic type of guy, as well as probably the only non-dickish Lord of the Clocktower.
"Greetings to you too, Lord El-Melloi the II! And is it not obvious? I am decorating these shabby halls in anticipation of the coming festivities!"
The sly wink he sends me and Aoko's way is our cue to step in and...well, make things sound apocalyptic? He was shy on details.
"Coming festivities?"
El-Melloi's tone clearly has an edge of wariness to it as I jump in with, "Yeah, you know...the Kaleidoscope kind."
The Lord turns to me with widened eyes, Aoko adding, "I'm just here for the show~! Seeing it in slow motion is going to be awesome."
El-Melloi pales before hurrying on his way, everybody else that was in earshot copying his actions...Kischur not helping things in the slightest by beginning to hum the Coventry Carol.
Hmm...I wonder what sort of surprise Kischur has up his sleeve. He seems more enthusiastic about this than usual.
"And the basis for proper invocation does not rely merely on intention, remember this! Some less than astute practitioners of the Spirtual Arts may imply that all that matters is a properly constructed ritual and your will. This a blatant falsehood! You must have...both..."
Bram Nuada-Re Sophia-Re slowly halts his lecture as all eyes only occasionally pay attention to his written notes at the head of the classroom, most of the attending student's focus being placed on me, Aoko and Kischur as we sit off to the side, Kischur idly flipping through a copy of A Christmas Carol.
The crimson-haired man obviously chews over whether it's a good idea to kick up a fuss...and predictably ends up asking, "Wizard Marshall, Blue...may I ask why you are attending my lecture? As flattering a prospect as it may be, I don't believe you are in my novice course out of some desire to learn."
The old Apostle just looks up as if surprised at being asked such a question, flippantly replying, "Oh, don't mind me, young man. I just needed a quick refresher on some of the basics of evocation for an experiment I'm attempting in a few hours. Your lecture was quite comprehensive, by the way. Although I would perhaps spend a little less time decrying the wrong method and instead covering the right method."
The Magus obviously chews over his next words carefully, deciding how much he wants to know...as well as whether he wants to know.
Ignorance is bliss, after all.
"And may I inquire why you wished to be reminded of such beginner concepts?"
"Certainly!"
Kischur holds aloft his book and explains, "You see, I wished to incarnate the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future, hence why I requested Miss Aozaki's help. I just needed a little refresher to get the old brain working once again, make sure the neurons are firing right, you know? But now I'm certain I can pull it off! Look forward to the results in a few hours~!"
With that he gathers his things and leaves, me and Aoko following close behind.
As the lecture hall doors swing shut behind us, I can hear panicked voices begin to call for order.
The nexus of communication and information dissemination for the Enforcers is known by a great number of names. 'The Trophy Room', 'The Abattoir'...a whole variety of titles. It both houses and is frequented by some of the more dangerous individuals amongst the Association, the ones who take their Magecraft and apply it in a more...direct manner.
And currently, all present fourteen Enforcers are staring at our little trio like we're some three-headed Dragon.
Without saying a word Kischur quietly whistles to himself and starts pinning geass contracts to the popularly known 'Bounty Board', a wall with various contracts and bindings on it that assure a taken job is both honored and upheld.
...All of the Apostle's requests read something along the lines of, 'at midnight tonight, subdue and capture this creature', or 'I need the horns of this Phantasmal Beast, please provide it'.
And what a variety it is. Jack Frost, Reindeer, Elves, Krampus, the Abominable Snowman...seventeen individual requests, all stated to begin tonight within an hour of each other.
You know, as familiar I am with Kischur's talents, pulling off the variety of things he's been hinting at all day seems like a pretty tall order. Having practically every major department of the Clock Tower scared and waiting for the shoe to drop is going to be rather...tough…
…
Oh...oh that's devious.
Judging by the sudden smirk on Aoko's face she figured it out just as soon as I did.
"Well a pleasant afternoon to you, Barthomeloi!"
Kischur strides right past the Vice Director's entryway like he's always been there and plops into a nearby chair, Aoko and myself following in his footsteps as we take up position in the corner of the office.
Not that the Queen of the Clocktower makes any outward acknowledgment of our intrusion, other than her quill pen ceasing in it's scratching and stony face freezing in place.
"Ahh...nothing like a hard days work. Well, you two? Think everybody is ready for this?"
I kick back my legs up on the desk and idly reply, "Hell no. I mean, considering how well people handled things last year I think we're looking at an unmitigated disaster within the Association. Bets on how long they'll last?"
Aoko pleasantly hums to herself before considering, "Want me to fast forward and find out? We can place bets on that. What do you say, Lady Barthomeloi? Care to put down some cash?"
With all the grace and threat of a gun emplacement Lorelei turns to face us, voice calm and threatening an imminent volcanic eruption.
"What. Have you three. Done?"
We all share cheshire grins.
"Nothing, Vice Director."
As if on cue Forte, one of the Enforcers I have a fair bit of respect for, bursts into the room, frantically announcing, "Vice Director, we have a problem! The Wizard Marshall, Blue and Horatius are up to something! They've decorated most of the interior of the Clock Tower, they put up requests for the Enforcers to destroy dozens of Phantasmal Beasts within the confines of the building and disrupted several lecture halls! Most worrying, the Wizard Marshall placed almost a hundred Christmas Elves around the halls of the...institution..."
Her eyes roll around to focus on where we're sitting, spine stiffening in shock.
"Hi."
Silence falls at my spoken word, Lorelei very deliberately standing, calmly walking over to an unadorned desk in the opposite corner of the room-
-and pulls on a rather infamous gauntlet, eyes promising murder.
"Start. Talking."
We all three share a glance...and with a shimmering haze and scattering of chaotic light Kischur opens up a portal, the three of us leaping through it without a backwards glance.
Mission accomplished.
"I gotta say, Kischur...you really outdid yourself on this one."
"I know, right? This is, without a doubt, the best Christmas present ever! Even if I did give it to myself, granted."
Aoko, Kischur and myself all kick back in our chairs and stare up at the several projected images displayed from one of the Apostle's inventions, admiring the chaos spreading among the Clock Tower with shots of brandy close at hand, safely secluded in the bowels of the Vampire's workshop.
The mineralogy department is frantically examining every single one of the 96 Elves Kischur randomly placed throughout the institution, searching for any hints of jewel fragments or other mediums through which the Marshall could channel Magecraft.
The Zoology, Anthropology branches and Enforcers are combing the halls of the Clock Tower in teams, worryingly checking their watches and other timekeeping devices, no doubt wondering what the delay on the appearance of the Beasts Kischur wanted subdued is about.
Spiritual Evocation and Spiritual Body Magi worryingly pore over copies of A Christmas Carol, openly debating-and sometime outright arguing-the possibility and consequences of summoning hitherto unknown or unassumed spirits.
Meanwhile the Archaeology and Curse branch is hard at work examining every square millimeter of the wreaths and mistletoe that was hung over the entryway to the Clock Tower, checking in particular for Magecraft or rituals that would promote...amorousfeelings, regardless of who is nearby.
All while Barthomeloi stalks from branch to branch, clearly fed up and done with Kischur's bullshit for the umpteenth time.
...So much stress, so much nervous anticipation…
Imagine the looks on their faces once they realize nothing is going to happen.
And that's the true beauty of this prank.
Centuries upon centuries of building a reputation as a meddler and joker, who never passes up an opportunity to cause mayhem...and for this first time in forever, after promising nothing but unrestrained chaos...he decides not to follow through.
Grinning to ourselves as a particularly harried member of the SE department screams and slams her head into a desk out of pure frustration Aoko comments, "You know, it's always nice to see these stuffy grumps brought down a level or three. They could use a good humbling every now and again."
We toast to that and down our respective shots, chuckling at the chaos spreading like an unstoppable virus.
…
And I'm surprised at the sudden pang of melancholy that hits me as I smile and laugh, of the rush of nostalgia and longing.
Possessed by the warmth of alcohol and desperation I quietly whisper,
"Castles crumble, Empires Fall. Villages Wither, Nations Bicker. Travel the World and Drown it All...Death Comes for All."
Irappu's presence expands in my mind, suffusing me with it's power...and I cast my mind out along a familiar path, bypassing realms and pocket dimensions in search of what once was paradise-
-and just like the past few centuries, we're rebuffed by an impenetrable barrier of incalculable power, every plea and shout for her to just listen, to just give us another chance falling on deaf ears.
Frustration and mild inebriation builds and just as I'm about to attempt to uselessly batter down the walls keeping me out-
-a hand clasps my shoulder and startles me out of my trance.
I blink away Irappu's power and meet Kischur's grim gaze, his tone gruff.
"Don't keep going down that road, Horatius. It's done and over, move on."
I scowl before downing another shot of booze.
"Yeah, if only it was that easy."
Aoko and Kischur predictably don't comment on that...but the crimson-haired sorceress nonetheless pours me a drink while Kischur pops open another bottle, a resigned sigh escaping me.
"Thanks."
"Don't mention it."
"What are friends for? Oh, it looks like the Archaeology guys are starting to argue with Curse people!"
We all turn to watch the ensuring dispute between researchers...and a distant wave of concern emanates from Altera and Scáthach as my sudden mood swing no doubt reaches them through our empathetic link.
...Way to go, Horatius.
I quickly send back a wave of what could best be described as an 'everything is good, no worries' emotional burst that reassures them as I fall back in my seat with a tired sigh.
...No reason for melancholy when all around me is good cheer, good friends and good drink.
…
Alongside no shortage of panicking, arrogant nobles.
"Bets until Lorelei starts kicking down that door, demanding to know what the Hell we did?"
Aoko and Kischur grin.
"Hah! We don't take sucker bets."
Merry Christmas and a Happy Holidays to all, here's a little gift to occupy a few minutes of your time during what I hope is a lovely day for all!
And yes, something something Tsukihime and Fate are different universes something something, I know :D