The Snow Continues to Fall even in Summer

"See you tomorrow Snow,"

"Yes. See you tomorrow too."

Words that I've exchanged with a fellow student of mine. Whether there was any truth to it, only tomorrow knows, for only the past that you've experienced, and the present that you are experiencing are the only ones you can be certain of. Whatever comes next, even though can be influenced by the decision you make and the actions you take, will only be certain when it happens.

To live a life of certainties, isn't that a wonderful dream? To be able to have absolute knowledge of what was, what is, and what will, wouldn't that be amazing? To not have to worry of what would happen, wouldn't that be…dreamlike? However, human as I am, I can only be certain of a finite number of things, of what was, of what is, but not of what will. Be that as it may, even if I did know all of the certainties in this world, would things have happened differently? Would I have the will to go against what is certain?

While uncertainties are scary, they go give us hope for a better outcome, even if they turn out for the worse most of the time. Isn't that how we humans are? We cling to the hope of even the most miniscule possibility of a better tomorrow. It is the reason why we still exist in this world.

Without hope, why would we strive to live?

…

I am now on my way to my… home. Or rather, the place that which I should consider my home now. It's been more than six months already, and yet that fact is still a hard pill to swallow. Every day is a constant battle between me wanting to move on, and me wanting to go back to where I was once was.

To where I found comfort.

To where I found out what it feels like to be loved.

To where I found him, and he found me.

It still feels like yesterday that I was with him. The one who I know still has my heart. Does he still feel the same way too? Will we ever meet again? Will we ever get to talk again? Does he even want to meet me after what I've done?

Sadly, I have no answers for those questions. I don't even know if I want those questions to be answered for I am afraid of the probable answers. The only answers that I would like to know are the answers that I have: here, I am no longer Yukinoshita Yukino (people other than my family call me Snow here); and this, here, is where my home is at now.

"H-hikigaya-kun!"

When was the last time I was confessed to? The romantic kind I mean. A love confession if I were to be frank.

Not that I wanted to remember really. It's just that, things happened which made me think of… it.

It was yesterday when somebody declared to me that they'd be confessing their feelings of love for a certain someone. That somebody is Yuigahama Yui. The certain someone? While she did not expressly say it, I can confidently say that it's Hikigaya Hachiman. Who else would it be?

Although I saw this coming from a while ago, I still couldn't prepare for it.

I wasn't even sure why she told me. Was it out of consideration? Was it a declaration of war? Was she asking me for my consent? Was it to mock me? I really don't know!

It was yesterday when I felt emotions that I haven't ever felt before. It was yesterday when I thought that I'd lose them both.

The two who provide me comfort.

The two who provide me warmth.

The two who provide me meaning.

Today, I received a letter. While it wasn't a letter of confession per se, I had a feeling that it was.

"Yo." Still with that barbaric greeting of his.

"I'm sorry." was my reply.

To be able to receive a confession from him. Just a day after Yuigahama-san confessed to him. How was I supposed to take it? I was confused. I was elated. I'm a mess.

What if it wasn't really a confession of love but rather, a confession of something else? What if he called me here just to tell me that he accepted Yuigahama-san's feelings? What if I'd just end up hurting myself again? What if I end up alone again?

"Whatever are you sorry for?"

"I uh… I almost didn't want to come here."

And yet I'm here.

…

Why am I here again?

Ah. Right. I wanted to latch on to that tiny chance of happiness. A chance to feel what's it like to be the reason for someone's happiness, for someone's smile, for someone's laughter, for someone's tears. I wanted to feel love, the one that I've been deprived of for the entirety of my life.

I don't know if today would end up with me being happy. For all we know, I might just end being a fool for believing that I ever had a chance for happiness. I might just be repulsive enough to deserve all the loneliness and misery this world has caused me.

But, knowing that I have the chance to be happy was enough to make my feet move. To make me go here. To make me see him.

"I see."

…Hikigaya-kun?

"Hey Yukinoshita…I-"

I knock on the door of the apartment that I am now housed in. I did so because unlike the apartment that I once lived in Chiba, I am literally no longer alone here. Whether if that changed things, well, I can say that things have changed. The question would be is if it was for the better or for the worse. Whatever the answer though, I welcome the company even if they are from the two people who I least wanted it from… well that was before everything happened.

This apartment is what I should call home now.

I'm trying to get there really. I really am.

…

I waited for a while, hoping that maybe someone would come and open the door for me. I don't really know why I did what I just did. It hasn't happened before so why was I hoping still? Yet, I do it every single day, resulting to me waiting for nothing all the time.

Alas, after a while of waiting, I deduced that it won't happen.

Just like any other day.

…

I open the door, but not before unlocking it with my copy of the key.

"I'm home." I declared. It still doesn't slide off my tongue that well.

To my surprise however, someone was on her to way to open the door. If I could have waited for a few more seconds, I would have been greeted by her. Not that there's anything I can do to make that happen now, as me going out of the house just to make it happen would be silly and unnecessary, but the mere fact that someone tried actually made me happy.

…baby steps I guess?

"Oh sis. Yeah, welcome home."

Yukinoshita Haruno. My older sister.

When we left Japan, nee-san appeared unaffected. And I loathed her for it. It was as if she didn't really care about what happened. She acted as if things are still the same, as if everything is just normal. As if we should live life the same as always. The keyword here is 'acted' because that's exactly what she did.

It took me a while to see through it, but she acted like she was strong in order to keep us intact. To help us pull ourselves together. The act didn't last forever, which in hindsight I should have seen coming, as after sometime, she begun to breakdown in front of me. The truth of the matter? She was as affected as the rest of us were with what happened, maybe even more than I was.

I never really saw her as someone who cared for the family. I thought that she was someone who only cares for what she wants with blatant disregard to the feelings of other people. I thought that she'd be happy for finally attaining the "freedom" that she envied me for.

Apparently, I was wrong. I was plenty wrong this whole time. And you know what? I'm glad that I was. I wouldn't be able to live with her again if that wasn't the case. Maybe I could but not this… peacefully. Especially with father now gone.

…

"…where's mother?" I asked her.

As a response to my question, nee-san gestured her hand towards the dining area. She then shook her head, and then went to her room, which I assume was where she's at before she went here. Whatever she did in there though was none of my business, although I won't deny that I want to know.

…

Sigh.

It must be that again huh?

I want to be wrong with my suspicions, but I'm probably right again. Especially with the face that nee-san wore before she went to her room.

I really really want to be wrong this time.

…

I commanded my feet to move towards where nee-san pointed at earlier, which was the dining area of this… apartment. To be honest, I already feel dreadful at the prospect that I was probably right again. Each step that I take towards the dining area just add to that feeling of dread.

…

When I finally arrived at the dining area, the nauseating smell of alcohol immediately attacked my nostrils. I felt like vomiting, but after being in this scene a number of times now, it seems like my body had made the necessary adjustments to be able to tolerate it (the smell). Which is not something that I want because I don't ever want to get used to this, but I can't deny that I am thankful for the luxury of not having to vomit when I reach home.

Before she can (attempt to) hide it, I was able to see the bottles of alcohol that she consumed sloppily 'hidden' behind her back, but I think she knows that I can still see them. Why does she even attempt to hide them from me? I don't need to see them to know that they are there.

…it reeks of alcohol in here. My body may have developed some kind of immunity to the smell, but I still don't like it. Not even one bit. This is why I didn't want to be right.

"Yukino? You're back early. Welcome home!"

Feigning innocence huh, mother?

"Mother, it's already 6pm, the time that I usually arrive home."

I don't think anyone would disagree with me when I say that Mother is the one who was hit the most by what happened. One look at her, and you'd be able to tell that she's too broken, probably even beyond repair.

Father's death really did a whole lot to her. I had no doubt that they loved each other, but I didn't expect mother to love him enough to warrant this drastic change on her. I thought that she only loved him for the amount of which is expected of wife to her husband, the appropriate amount for them to live co-dependently in relative peace. I was wrong again.

You would think that with her personality, her cold demeanour, her no non-sense approach to things, that she'd have the willpower to make it appear that it did nothing to her, but that's not what happened. On the very first day that we arrived here, she broke down. She broke down hard. And she wasn't able to get back up ever since. I have to give her props for being able to hold it in up until we got here.

Which is why I'm thankful for what nee-san did. I probably would not have been able to take all of the emotional load that was brought upon us by that event, and I would have probably broke down the same way as my mother did, maybe even harder. I'm not actually a real adult yet. You can't expect me to be able to handle all of this.

I'm actually ashamed of myself for loathing nee-san back then.

Now that time has passed though, nee-san made it known to me that she could no longer hold of it on her own, and so I decided that I'd take my share of the load too. Which is why I am the one to deal with mother whenever she has these episodes of... I don't know how to word it.

"I'll make dinner for us. Just stay there. And enough with the alcohol please."

"What non-sense! I haven't touched the thing even once today!"

I glared at her. I glared at her hard.

How ironic isn't it? For me to be the one doing the scolding? Before, I was the one who's being glared at by her. But look at where we at now? Some would say that this is divine retribution working it's charm. Or karma finally paying us back. You reap what you sow is what they say right?

But… I don't like this. I don't like what my mother has become. I don't like how my mother was before all of this, but atleast I can believe that she was like that for the right reasons. This? The reason why she is humbled? I don't like it. I hate it.

"Mother, please." I pleaded.

Mother bowed down her head, trying hard to hide her face from me. Isn't that a tell-tale sign of guilt? Mother of before won't lower her pride even she know that she's the one at fault.

A few seconds pass, and my mother was finally able to say,

"…yes dear."

…

Time to prepare for dinner, I guess.

"Yukino."

"Nee-san? I hope that you have good reason to-"

"Father is dead."

…

"…that's not a good jo-"

"Do I sound like I'm joking?"

"…"

"Go to our house as soon you can."

"Nee-san, dinner is ready."

While we may not interact with each other as much as we should be when we are all in this apartment at the same time, I do appreciate one rule that nee-san made when we just started here: if you can, you should be at the dining table during dinner.

I may have missed one or two dinners with them two (with good reason mind you), but aside from that, we hold on to that rule very dearly. I think it's one of the reasons why we are still keeping it all together no matter how messed up we are. It's what I consider the light to this dark tunnel that we're trekking right now.

Unsurprisingly, I was against this rule of hers at the beginning. I don't like being forced to be cordial with people I don't want to be with. Even more with what happened. The reason I even put up with them before was because of my respect for my father. But with father gone? What reason do I have to be cordial with them? Because they're family? That's bullocks! Wasn't there a saying that goes 'the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb'?

But that opinion of mine changed over time, as little by little, I begin to see what nee-san was aiming for.

"Yeah. I'll be there in a minute."

After hearing that from her, I went back to the dining area where mother is already situated, along with our dinner for the night. I took my seat on the table, which was across mother, and waited for nee-san.

Nee-san did arrive a few moments later, and so we started with our dinner.

"So Yukino, how is school today?"

"Nee-san? What happened to father? Where's mother?"

"Just like what I told you over the phone. Father is dead."

"But ho-"

"He was killed. Murdered. Whatever you call it."

"…but who would do such a thing to him?!"

"…"

"…"

"...nee-san-"

"Pack your things. We'd be leaving Japan the day after tomorrow."

"..what? Why?!"

"Yukino, please… just do what I say. I promise I'll tell everything to you once we're out of here."

"…"

"…."

"…what about mother?"

"She's… tending to matters right now. I know you know this, but somebody has to do arrangements before we can get out of this country."

"…but where are we go-"

"I don't know. I really don't know. I have no choice but to trust mother this time…"

"…"

"…"

"…."

"Be sure to bid your farewells. We might not ever be able to go back here."

"…yes nee-san."

The Snow Continues to Fall even in Summer - end

Sooo… I know I know. This one is a doozey. And it feels so out of place with how light and heartwarming the previous chapters were. But, it was in my plan to write this chapter… for us to see it all from Yukino's eyes. For us to know that she is alive in this universe.

I'm not sure if this satisfied you, and I admit that I can do it much better, but for now, this the best I came up with. I actually wanted to make it longer, but I really don't how without making it more dragging that it already is. I know that this did not reveal everything, but it did reveal something. The next chapter, hopefully, would be able to supplement the lacking information this chapter provided.

Until then, diceWW out.