Yuigahama Yui Wants to Know

"Wait… you what now?"

This… this is beyond what I expected.

I uh… I don't really know if I can take this at all.

When she told me that she had something important to tell me, I thought that it would be about how she finally found a lifetime partner, or how she has a very important career choice that she's going to take, or how she discovered something farfetched like how we're actually really related by blood all this time, or… or anything else other than what I've just heard.

…

I don't really know if I can take it right now.

Yes, I wanted to know the what, the why, and the how.

I wanted to know… but this?

…

Do I still want to know?

I admit that I'm afraid of the truth. What if learning the truth undoes all the things I have done these past months? What if learning the truth sends me back to the state that I was in when she disappeared? What if learning the truth makes me… makes me...

But if I won't know the truth, I will not be able to really move on… right?

…

I felt a touch on my back, smoothly caressing as if to comfort me. I didn't have to look to know who the source of such touch is. I mean, she's the one seated besides me, so yeah, it's Yuigahama and I'm certain of it.

"Hikki? Are you all right?" asked Yuigahama with a gentle voice.

While I am grateful for such act of hers, it only revealed to me that me being unnerved over this whole thing really shows on my face. But hey, it's not like I'm trying to hide it, because I know full well that I can't, so what's the point in trying right?

…

"I.. I'm fine. Just surprised is all."

"You sure kid? We can always postpone this you know?" Said Hiratsuka-sensei, a worried look plastered on her face.

…

What would postponing this do? Sure, I'd be able to delay the consequences and effects of what knowing the truth would cause, but is that enough reason to postpone this? Would I be able to sleep sound tonight knowing that there's somebody out there who can tell it all to me, and I didn't take the chance to listen because I was afraid? Would I be able to have peace of mind knowing that I was once this close to knowing it all?

There is no point in delaying this. It will only perpetuate the uncertainties I have in my head. It might put a bump on my road to finally moving on. Heck, maybe it because of these uncertainties that I haven't been able to fully move on yet.

So, why later when it can be done now?

"N-no. Please. I don't think there's any better time for this other than now."

We are here now afterall. I am facing the door to the truth that I've been looking for. I can finally get the answers to the questions that have been haunting me for the past months. Why would I turn my back on this?

"I want to know. So please tell us… well that is if Yuigahama is okay with it though."

But I cannot be selfish. The privilege of knowing the truth is not mine alone afterall. Aside from me and the bringer of truth Hiratsuka-sensei, there is another person here today. And that person deserves to know the truth as much as I do.

…

I look over to Yuigahama, giving her a look that says 'are you okay with this?'.

And to that, she nodded.

"…it's fine Hikki. I want to know too."

And with a determined face, Yuigahama continued, "So please, tell us sensei."

"Hey Yukinoshita, I-"

I.. paused.

...

Why did I pause? Didn't I already tell to myself that I'd tell her no matter what the result of my confession will be? If so, what's stopping me? Why the pause Hachiman?

…

Am I really okay with this even if it doesn't result to the outcome that I was hoping for?

Have I really considered all the risks involved in the action that I plan to take?

Will I be able to live in peace if I call this off? If I chicken out of this?

…

"Hey Yukinoshita. When I first saw you, I won't deny that I was swept away by your natural beauty."

What am I doing?

"But after that, I know to myself that I would hate you."

Wouldn't it be better if I just go straight to the point? Why am I going the roundabout way when usually I am usually tactless? Why am I beating around the bush? Why am I wasting my spit and breathe on this?

"I hate how you treat me. I hate how you act so almighty. I hate how you seem so perfect."

Am I really chickening out? Is this what I've decided upon? Is this how I'd reach the genuine article that I search for?

"But, what I hate the most is that, despite all of the flaws I see on you…"

Would I be able to sleep at night knowing that I ran away?

"I still can't take my eyes off of you."

No. I don't think I would.

I am not gonna run away from this.

I've already made a decision when I sent her that letter.

I am not going to back out of that now.

I'm going to tell her no matter what.

Whether she'd accept it or not won't affect what I'm about to do.

"Yukinoshita Yukino, I like you. Please go out with me."

It's been more than six months ever since Yukinoshita disappeared. During those months, I was able to experience what it truly feels like to lose something, or rather, someone you hold dear. I still recall the nights where I wasn't able to sleep because of the thoughts and questions that keep on popping inside my head. I cannot forget the feeling of being whole yet suddenly not.

They were not the best days of my life, I admit, and that really says a lot considering my horrible past.

But, amidst all the losses, I was able to gain something.

Actually, I gained a lot.

I experienced what it is like to have people (aside from Komachi that is) to support you when you are on your lowest of lows. I experienced what it is like to have people that I can truly call friends. I gained people who I can confidently say I'm close to.

The disappearance of Yukinoshita Yukino brought to me changes in my life, be they good or bad. Heck, even her existence changed my life. Isn't it amazing that her appearance and disappearance both cause changes in my life?

Did it bring any change to me and my person? I think that you should know the answer to that question by now.

…

And now that I know what happened to Yukinoshita, what happens next? What is in store for me?

"I think I'll get off here sensei."

"Hmm? You sure Yuigahama? I can drive you to your house though."

We're now well into the night. Dinner already ended, and the revelation that Hiratsuka-sensei had for us has already been revealed.

I am once again seated at the front seat of her luxury car (I still question as to how a simple school teacher was able to afford this thing), with Yuigahama at the back.

We are now our way home, with Hiratsuka-sensei on the wheel.

"…I think… I think I might need a walk after… that."

…

After what was revealed to us, I think that we, Yuigahama and I, do need some time to let it all sink in. I myself am still a bit unnerved after knowing the whole thing. Heck, I might need a walk too.

"Oh. Well yeah. I understand. I said some heavy stuff afterall. Do be careful ok? Chiba might have a low crime rate, but it doesn't mean that crime is non-existent."

"Y-yes ma'am. Thanks for the night. And good night to you Hikki."

"Y-yeah. Goodnight to you too Yuigahama."

And so, Yuigahama left the car.

…

About a minute passed, and Hiratsuka was about to step on the pedal once more.

However,

"Sensei, you can drop me here too."

"Hm? You too? But I can drive you to your house though?"

…

"…I think I need to speak with Yuigahama."

Hiratsuka wore a face of concern at that. As to why, I'm not really sure, but she's probably not thinking about me wanting to take advantage of Yuigahama in her very vulnerable state right now… right? I mean, we are all way past that right? And if anything, I am vulnerable right now too. Even if I did have plans of doing such a despicable act, I wouldn't have the willpower to go through with it because of what I am right now… right?

Hey, Hiratsuka-sensei, please tell me I'm right.

…well, I know that I'm right so she really doesn't have to tell me.

"..ok. But don't be out too late okay? You may look like a common hooligan, but we both know that you're not one."

…Right.

"Yes Sensei. And thank you for the night."

And so, I got off the car.

"Hey Hikigaya."

Or at least, I was supposed to get off the car before that interruption of hers.

I turn to her and said,

"Yes, sensei?"

The once advisor to the service club didn't answer immediately though, which was a little bit concerning. Instead, she just looked at me for a few seconds, sporting a look that is like of how a mother would look at her child, which was another thing of concern for me because I didn't really expect for her have the capability to look like that (because you know… she's single and she'd probably be…). She then smiled, and then patted me on my head which surprised me, but not that much as it is not the first time she did it.

It still feels a bit embarrassing though.

O-oi! That's pretty embarrassing you know that?

"I'm proud of you."

O-oh…

Ahh…

I don't know how to respond to that.

…

I mean, I just don't know how to react when I'm genuinely praised in general. I've lived a life of ridicule afterall. I received nothing but words of insult from people who aren't my immediate family. Or atleast, they are the things that I remember most when it comes to other people (from the past way before high school that is).

But I do admit though that it made me feel a bit of warmness when I heard those words from her. It made me a bit happy. Maybe a little bit giddy. A little pride even.

…

After a while, Hiratsuka finally let me go of her grasp, and then gestured for me to get off the car.

And so, I got off the car.

She immediately went off her way, which is kind of fishy because she didn't do so when Yuigahama got off earlier…

Wait a minute here. Was she actually expecting me to go after Yuigahama? How did she…

…

Welp, it's not like it matters now anyway. I was going to do anyway with or without her concern. So yeah, whatever.

…

I move to the direction to where Yuigahama's house is at. It's not too far from where we dropped off, and sure, a minute might be enough for her to able to reach her home, but, if am right on this one, she's probably waiting for me somewhere along the way. And if she's not, well, I can always consider the walk home as the walk I needed to sort things out. So, it's a win-win for me.

…that sounded way too optimistic for my taste, but eh, whatever.

With that in mind, I continue my trek to her house, taking step by step without rush. Sure enough, as within my expectations, after a while of walking, I see her. There she is, standing as if waiting for someone. Oh, that someone is probably me. Wait, scratch 'probably'. That someone is me. Who else would she be waiting for?

…

"Hikki."

"Yo, Yuigahama."

And no words were spoken after that. We just stared at each other as if not needing any words to say. She knew that I would come after her even if she didn't tell me to. And I knew that she'd be waiting even if I didn't tell her to. We both knew that we needed to talk.

"First, I'd answer the question that's probably in your minds right now… yes, Yukinoshita Yukino is alive. She's well and alive. And so is Hayama Hayato."

The city of Chiba is a different beast at night, though that's nothing special really when I think about it. I mean, sure, any city with this amount of lighting would be different at night, so yeah, I'm just being sophisticated right now. I don't know why really. Am I trying to preoccupy my mind?

…

We, Yuigahama and me, found a nearby bench, where we are both seated right now. Not a word has been said ever since yet, but it's fine (for me at least). We will have our talk by the end of this night. There's no need to rush really.

…

"Hey Hikki. It's a good thing that Yukinon is still alive right?"

"…yeah."

Isn't it always a good thing to hear when people you care about, of which their condition is uncertain, are still alive right? You can relate it to those who have seafarers, soldiers, policemen, or anything of the like in their family. Everyday is a question of whether they'd be able to make it out alive or not.

Well, everyday is like that for everybody, but it's much much more apparent for them.

"Are you happy to hear that she's still alive Hikki?"

Am I happy?

Well, that's a no brainer. Of course I'm happy.

"…yeah. I am happy. Of course I'm happy."

Kind of relieved even. Now, I don't have to constantly ask myself of whether she's alive or not. That's one thing off the list of questions that keep me up at night. Who in the world wouldn't be happy about that?

"Hehe. I'm happy too."

Of course she'd be too. Afterall, it wasn't only me who lost someone on that day. Yuigahama Yui did too. We both did. The way we grieved over it might be different, but we both lost someone that day. Someone who is both dear to us.

I wouldn't be surprised if the questions that keep on whirling inside my head are the same ones that do so to hers. I wouldn't be surprised if she felt relief upon hearing Hiratsuka-sensei telling us that Yukinoshita is alive, just like I did. I wouldn't be surprised if she'd be able to sleep less troubled tonight.

"I'm happy that even if she's no longer with us, she's still living her life. I think that's a wonderful thing… to know Yukinon is still alive out there."

…

"But if you want to know where they are right now… I can only tell you that they're no longer in Chiba. Not even in the whole of Japan."
…

"Although, isn't it a bit sad that we might not be able to see her again?"

I… yeah. It is indeed sad. Knowing that she's still alive yet I know to myself that I'd probably never be able to see her again? After all the we've been through? After our declaration of what we'd do in our future? It's only expected for me to be sad.

But I still feel relieved upon knowing that additional layer of truth. Even if it isn't what I wanted, it still answered the question of whether I'd ever see her again or not. Now, I know that hoping to see her again would be futile. As such, I will no longer hope for that.

"…yeah."

I know that it isn't the happiest of happy endings, but, as optimistic as this may sound, it's not the saddest at all. Even if our relationship ended so suddenly, without warning and without any proper goodbyes, I can atleast look back to the memories we've made with no tinted lenses, no bitterness.

"It's just so sad that we weren't able to say goodbye to Yukinon."

…yeah. But if we think about it, many people exit our lives without saying any goodbyes. Oftentimes, you really don't take notice of these disappearances, maybe because these people didn't really matter much to you, or maybe because you knew that it was bound to happen, or maybe because you were sure that they'd be back again sometime in your life.

Having been shunned away for most of my life, I didn't really care whether somebody exits my life, be it with goodbyes or not. In fact, I was glad because I didn't have to deal with those idiots ever again. Granted that their exits didn't improve my life that much, but I'm still thankful for the relative peace caused by them.

Not saying that Yukinoshita's exit is like the others, because it isn't. It really isn't. But, what I'm saying here is that… is that…

"…yeah."

…

"My source said that it's for the best if we forget about them."

…

"Do you miss her Hikki?"

Do I miss her? I think the more accurate question is, 'do I still miss her?'.

Before, I really don't know what it feels like to 'miss' someone because I didn't really have anyone to attribute that feeling to. It is not exactly a secret that I didn't have any friends before, so logically, I wouldn't really have anyone I would 'miss'. Well, aside from Komachi that is, though there's really no reason for me to miss her as she was always with me.

But… Yukinoshita is different.

"Because I really really miss Yukinon."

As she says that, I felt a sudden load on my shoulder. I don't have to look to know that she's resting her head on my it, which would explain the load. I know that it was sudden, and that she didn't ask for my permission, and that it violates my personal space, which is something that I truly care about, but I didn't mind that much really. I feel that it's appropriate given the situation.

If I were the old me, I would have protested, though if I were still the old me, I really won't be here in the first place. But then again, if I were the old me, Yuigahama wouldn't even dare doing it.

…

"She probably misses us too, ne, Hikki?"

…

Did I miss her? The answer to that question is a definite yes.

Do I miss her? The answer to that question is a definite yes.

Do I still miss her?

…

"She probably does yeah." I answer back.

…

"But Hikki, how about you? Do you miss Yukinon?"

…

Do I miss her, Yukinoshita Yukino?

"I… I don't..."

Why would I miss her? It's not like we were even friends to begin with!

…

Well, we were never friends. Yes, that's a fact. She always rejects my offers of friendship.

We were not friends.

We were more than that.

But if we were, why didn't she tell me that she's leaving? Did she not trust me enough? Did she think that I won't be able to take it well? Am I really that broken in her eyes?

But... what about the times when we we're still together? The times when we bared our souls to each other? Our promise of depending on each other. Was that all said just to appease me? Did it mean anything to her at all?

"W-why would I miss her? She never said goodbye to me."

"Hikki…"

What was I to Yukinoshita Yukino?

What was her to me?

…

Do I still miss her?

…

"I… I really don't…"

DAMN IT ALL!

I still miss you Yukino!

I will no longer deny it. I miss you. Even if I've already decided to move on from you.

I miss the days when we were together.

I miss your touch.

I miss your voice.

I miss your everything.

…

I just plain miss you.

….

If I were asked 'if you were given the chance to meet her again, will you take it'?, my answer would always be yes. I don't care whether us meeting would result to us continuing what she left, or for us to say our farewell properly. I just want to meet her again.

…

I miss you, Yukinoshita Yukino. I still miss you.

…

"Hikki?"

…?

Yuigahama launched herself at me, embracing me, holding on to me tightly. It was sudden, and again, was done without my permission, but I don't have it in me to protest. I feel like it's appropriate.

In fact, I embraced her back. I just feel like doing it. It feels the right thing to do. It feels natural.

"Hikki, it's okay…"

"Wha-what's okay?"

What's this? Why do I feel warm wetness dripping down my face? Am I crying? Why would I be crying? I didn't plan on crying tonight. I really didn't.

"It's okay to cry. I am crying too."

Please. I was trying so hard to hold it in. Why did I have to cry now? I don't want to cry. I don't want this.

….

Dang it Yukino! Why did you have to go and leave us?!

"Why couldn't she have said goodbye to us?! Knowing that I suddenly lost her… it's just so unfair!"

"Hikki… I know…"

I… I really miss you. I still do. I still want to see you.

"Just when I was to give up on actually living my life, the two of you came into my life. Before you, I already lost hope in this wretched world, living everyday just to survive without any hope of the future. I was actually fine if I died on that accident that involved us three."

…the Service Club, even though I didn't want it at first, became the very thing that made me see life again.

"But then, Yukinoshita Yukino happened. She.. she made me see that there's still something to hope for in this world..She made me want to hope again. She made me hope that in this world fool of lies and folly, I'd still be able to find something genuine."

To writhe. To struggle. To agonize.

"It's just so unfair! Why did she have to be gone so suddenly?!"

…

"But.."

"…Hikki. It's okay. It'll be okay."

But I think it's time for me to finally move on from you.

To really move on from you.

…

So Yukinoshita Yukino, thanks for being a part of my life.

Thanks for giving me a chance to feel what it's like to love and be loved.

Thanks for making me fell the hurt of losing someone important.

Thanks for making me Hikigaya Hachiman again.

t was already fifteen minutes past ten in the evening when I reached home, so I wasn't really expecting for anyone to still be up. Well, except for Kamakura that is. Since, you know, he's a cat. Cats are known to have very irregular sleeping patterns. One minute, they'd be sleeping like a log, without any care in the world whatsoever. The next, they might be overly awake pouncing on every objects that crosses their sight.

Man, what I would give to be reincarnated as a cat. I'm extremely envious of their carefree lifestyle.

"Onii-chan?"

What in the-

…

That seriously surprised me. Like seriously.

If it wasn't Komachi, I would have used one of the 108 skills that I've acquired throughout the years.

…

Why is she still up? I already told her that I'd be late tonight because I'm meeting up with sensei, so there's really no need for her to wait for me. But then again, maybe she's still up for a different reason, as much as it pains me.

…

She's not chatting with that little-doctor-want-to-be-Kawasaki boy, is she?

"Komachi? Why are you still up?" I asked her.

"I was playing Yggdra Union [1], ehe."

Oh. Is that so? Well you're forgiven then. I know full well what it's like to be with the one and only Yggdra-waifu afterall. To be in the presence of her unadulterated purity, ah such a magnificent feeling…

Ahem.

"Is that so? Well, just don't stay up too late. We still have class tomorrow, even if it's only a half day."

"Yes yes onii-chan."

Okay. I trust that Komachi would still be responsible with her studies even if she can be a bit of an airhead sometimes (not as much Yuigahama though).

"Actually, I think I'm done for the night. Let's go to bed now."

"Wh-wha-"

Komachi suddenly latched onto my arm, linking hers with mine, and then pulled me upstairs to where our rooms are.

I tried to break out of it, because it was so sudden, and it's pretty embarrassing, but then I realized that there's not that many chances for this to happen, so I decided to just let it slide. I mean, who wouldn't want to be linked arms with the most bestest of best cutest little sister of all little sisters right?

"And oh, if you already feel like it, can you tell me why your eyes are red? And why do you smell like Yui-san?"
…

What?

Yuigahama Yui Wants to Know - End

[1] Yggdra Union is a SRPG developed by Sting Entertainment for the GBA and PSP, though it has a japanese exclusive mobile port now (why no international version?!). If you're someone who frequents my fanfics, you should already know by how much of an Ygdraa Union fanatic I am.

A/N

First, this is a rewrite. I wasn't really satisfied with how the original version came out, and a review made me really want to rewrite it.

So thank you Eating Upside Down for your wonderful review (no sarcasm). Because of you, I was able to see what was missing this in this chapter.

So I know. This is a short drama-filled OOC overload chapter, which is really very far in tone from the other previous chapters. I recommend that you consider this the other half of the previous chapter (The Snow Falls), or maybe even a trilogy with the past two chapters. With this chapter, I hope that I answered the questions in regards to Yukino in this universe. I hope that I was able to close this… how would you call this.. story arc? Yeah. I think that's the one. But anyway, I hope that I was able to close this in a proper manner.

Now with that out of the way, if I follow my story outline, Yukino will no longer be making an appearance for the remainder of this fanfic. I will focus once more on Hachiman and his progress to finally moving on.

So, diceWW out.