Tsuna woke up to see a very familiar ceiling that belonged to a very familiar shithole. After stepping over to his storage he started breakfast. "So letting the old fossil die wasn't it," he said as his family materialized bodies for themselves.

"We could spend this loop working on that cursed seal," Chikusa said as he set the table. "Maybe figure it out, how to remove it. Mitarashi is kind of a bitch, but that's understandable. She is the only one we're aware of who actively denied that thing's power and refuses to use it. If we can figure it out, any time we end up in a Naruto world we could at least do her the favor of freeing her from a potential Alien-style death."

"Sure. No reason not to. She, unlike the Uchiha, isn't a danger to everyone around her."

"And plans for this loop's exams?" Daemon asked.

"I was thinking…"

xXx

He left a clone with Duck-Butt and Banshee. If the kid got bitten again, so what? Tsuna and his family were having their own fun in the Forest of Death. Obvious defects were killed outright and their scroll(s) shifted to storage.

Others, such as Teams 8-10, were trapped in Bounding Boxes that hid them from outside view and prevented them from leaving for the full five days. They had enough water and rations to survive, but they would fail the second stage. To be complete trolls, they had been trapped in full view of the tower they needed to get to. They also had a clear view of what looked like fūinjutsu keeping them trapped, but wasn't. And everyone knew that the only Uzumaki of Konoha was a complete idiot, so it was unlikely he would be blamed.

Team Sakabu was shifted back to the Land of Wind, at the extreme edge of their nation. Even with their advantages and speed, it would take more than five days to return to the exam, so they were out. Xeul had added a special something to the mix with that eye of his, and Gaara at present was far more interested in playing at the beach than getting back to "proving" his "existence".

The only Konoha team to be wiped out was Kabuto's. Orochimaru would simply have to get another pawn to set off the invasion.

On arriving at the tower after a suspiciously convenient scroll was found (found in the remains of another team, and which caused Sakura to go on a vomiting spree and pass out due to dehydration), his two teammates learned that they were the only team to make it through the second stage.

It was just another reason for Sasuke to assume he was hot shit and a bag of chips with a side of extra snaps.

Hatake, naturally, wanted nothing to do with teaching either Sakura or Naruto for the third stage tournament, not that it would be much of one. Everyone assumed Sasuke would win, because Naruto was a talentless idiot and Sakura would take a dive for her One True Love™.

With no grand battles to be had at the finale, no one from outside Konoha even bothered to show up as spectators. Tsuna was pitted against Sakura, but forfeited.

"Hey, she hits me all the time for no reason at all," he shouted, "and I'm not gonna let her hit me now! I forfeit. She can fight the Uchiha."

The disappointed looks and glares (and booing) slid right off him as an extremely nervous Sakura went down for her match against Sasuke. Hatake, in his infinite wisdom, had said to her in a low voice, "Make it look good, or…"

He never did find out what Hatake had planned as punishment, as Sasuke obliterated her in a five seconds flat and "won" the tournament, at which point the invasion began.

xXx

Tsuna woke up to see a very familiar ceiling that belonged to a very familiar shithole. Once in his storage he said to his awakening family, "Since we did not manage to figure out that cursed seal yet, we'll just do something silly this time. Ideas?"

"Well…"

xXx

Tsuna used an anchored disguise for his role in things. There was no way in hell he would wear such things for real of his own free will, nor would he alter his appearance such for anything other than to be a troll.

When he bounced up to the academy to begin participation in the Chūnin Selection Exams he was a dead ringer for a Maito Gai fan (or brainwashed minion). While he had no particular reason to disparage either Maito or Lee, they were something of a public nuisance, as much or more so than Naruto generally had been.

He aimed a youthful smile and upraised thumb at his two teammates, blinding them momentarily, then bounded inside. Team Gai was playing at being much weaker than they were and had "fallen" to the genjutsu.

"My youthful companion!" Tsuna cried as he bounded up to Lee. "Shall we be youthful together!?"

"Youth!" Lee cried in surprise, then blinked his owlish eyes on seeing how Naruto appeared. Another cry of "Youth!" was followed by tears of joy from the Gai-clone.

"Youth!" Tsuna cried back, blinding everyone with his smile. Somehow Lee took that to mean, "I will see at the youthful first stage, my youthful companion!"

Tsuna was treated to Lee's blinding smile and upraised thumb before the kid bounded off toward the stairs leading to the third floor. The third floor all potential participants were supposed to be heading to rather than being faked out by a genjutsu and poor maths skills. Neji and Bun-Bun exchanged a look, then followed more slowly.

Sakura and Sasuke came in during all that and were a little too weirded out for Sasuke to bother revealing what anyone with a brain had already figured out. Instead they headed up the staircase, only to be waylaid by Lee, who strutted on over to Sakura.

"Hi. My name is Lee Rock. So yours is Sakura…"

Tsuna wanted to get out some popcorn, but he had never in his Elemental Countries lives seen popcorn being consumed. It was a shame.

"Let's go out together!" Lee declared, using the classic Nice Guy™ pose. "I'll protect you 'til I die!"

"No … way," she said. "You're lame."

Lee wilted and hung his head.

That, of course, led to Lee challenging Sasuke to a fight—because what else do hormonal young men do?—and was in the process of soundly thrashing the kid in an effort to make the pink-haired one look on him with admiration when his sensei stepped in with that "I'm so disappointed in you" look.

"Youth!" Tsuna cried, on seeing sensei and student make up. He still had no idea how the Sunset Genjutsu of Youth was being generated, but seeing people fall to the ground stricken by it or huddled in the corner mumbling about trauma was worth it.

"Youth!" came the answering cries of Maito and Lee.

Tsuna flashed his own Nice Guy™ pose and bounded off to haul Sasuke up and drag him toward the exam room, with Sakura trailing behind a bit despondently.

"Yosh! Kakashi-sensei," he cried joyfully. "It is so youthful of you to be here! To see your youthful team enter the youthful Chūnin Selection Exams!"

Hatake blinked his one visible eye slowly and, apparently having forgotten what he was going to say in the face of such mind-bending weirdness, waved them on into the room without saying a word.

Inside Tsuna jogged in place and praised his disguise technique. How Maito and Lee managed not to stink like old gym socks after wearing spandex all day…

During the month break we can investigate the seal Mitarashi has, he was informed. Though, it's likely an earlier version of what the Uchiha ends up with. It's still a decent start to figuring out what he's using now, and we can always spy on the Uchiha when he's sleeping.

All right, he wrote, then shot a blinding smile at Lee, who had entered with his teammates. And if anyone asks Kabuto about me when he whips out those cards, make sure it says I've become a recent convert to the Maito Gai Power of Youth™ training program.

Will do, darling.

A few minutes later, after Kabuto had had time to bamboozle the first-timers with his incredible knowledge (that only a spy would have in many cases, not that any of them, not even the Nara, had the sense to question it), Morino showed up along with the spotters and did the usual intimidation routine.

Tsuna was lucky enough to get a back row seat, all the way at the end. He had to wonder how the front rank even managed to pass if they weren't quick thinkers with the talents to back that up. That is, unless they were lucky enough to be close enough to get unobtrusive eyes on someone who could spot the plants and copy their answers.

He didn't bother to answer any of the questions that time, because there was no point in doing so. Instead he started doodling Maito and Lee and himself doing youthful things, complete with word bubbles proclaiming the Power of Youth™. He made sure to put little sparkles in the appropriate places.

In the forest he sent a flame clone intermingled with a shadow clone (so it was both durable and able to use chakra) to declare, to Orochimaru, that he would defeat the traitor with the Power of Youth™!

His clone was knocked out, dragged underground, and left to die.

Sasuke was given another cursed seal, Sakura nearly lost her mind over being stuck in the Forest of Death with her One True Love™ knocked out with no guarantee of surviving, and actually smiled tremulously when the clone popped back up again, complete with the scroll they needed, and said, "Youth!"

One of the Oto nin who had been sent after them got in a lucky shot with his sound-based attacks and blew Sasuke's head off while he was still unconscious. At least Samsara didn't have to worry about collecting and storing the eyes, or destroying them, or killing the defect.

Needless to say, their team washed out. The three Oto nin had gone deathly pale and fled.

Tsuna simply shrugged out of Sakura's line of sight. It's not like they wouldn't be alive again when the loop reset come morning.

xXx

Tsuna woke up to see a very familiar ceiling that belonged to a very familiar shithole. "This is getting seriously annoying," he said to his family as he pondered what to make for breakfast.

"Unfortunately, we weren't given the chance to study the Uchiha's cursed seal, so…"

Tsuna nodded and sighed. "Need to come up with another way to troll the masses. And, you know, not let Duck-Butt kick it during the exams."

"That clone combo you made was impressive," Daemon said.

"And it neatly solves the issues both have," Sin added.

He smiled, pleased that he had managed to come up with another neat trick. "We could always look into some kind of fūinjutsu that would allow a shadow clone to gather chakra, deflect killing blows, and the like. I don't know if a seal would work on a construct made entirely from chakra, though. Then again, Adamantine Sealing Chains are capable of holding a bijū hostage, and they're chakra constructs, too."

"But those chains are chakra," Hayato pointed out. "Seals are not, even if you use a chakra-rich ink, like blood."

He sighed. "Yeah…"

"So we try to create seals purely from chakra?" Sin suggested. "Weren't there references to that in the stuff we found in the ruins of Uzushio? No method, but still."

"I wonder what would happen if we tainted the water of all the enemy nin with malaclaw venom," Ken said suddenly.

Everyone paused for a moment in thoughtful shock, then laughed. Tsuna laughed merrily, of course, and his Mists cackled.

"That could be way more fun than trolling them directly," Hayato eventually said, still chuckling a bit.

Tsuna opened a window to λ15 and snagged a bottle of the stuff from a shop in Knockturn Alley and set it down at the far end of the counter. "I shudder to think how many mackled malaclaws had to have been 'milked' to get even this much venom."

"Well," Daemon said, "we will dose the Sabaku team first, then Kabuto's, and go from there. Should we hit the Banshee as well?"

"…Maybe just a little? A tiny bit? There's no cure for the stuff, so hers should wear off a lot earlier with less. Everyone else, though… At least the five days in the forest, if not the prelims, assuming enough teams make it to the tower for there even to be prelims."

His Mists started plotting, so he continued on with breakfast, having decided on a modified Full English. He was not a fan of blood sausage, for one. But some nice hash browns and some toast would go nicely, and he preferred New England-style baked beans over that tomato abomination the English favored. He shuddered just thinking about it.

xXx

Things went about as usual during the written phase of the exams. Tsuna doodled pictures of Morino intimidating everyone and anyone. There were plenty of instances of various ninja pissing themselves—or worse. It helped to pass the time. He had ended up next to Hinata again, and the poor girl was beside herself. With her dōjutsu active in order to get the answers she couldn't help but see what he was drawing.

When they got to the second stage, had their scroll, and were waiting at their gate for everyone to get into position he saw, Everyone is getting dosed now. A little mind-fuckery here, a bit of time turning there…

Tsuna held back a snort of amusement. And the Banshee?

We'll get her last. Don't be surprised when we show up briefly to ensnare her, Duck-Butt, and the gate guard.

What gates did Gaara's team get? And Kabuto's? I forgot to check.

Thirteen and thirty-four.

Tsuna opened up windows so he could keep an eye on them and waited with infinite patience for his family to show up to fuck Sakura over, and for the second stage to begin.

xXx

Sakura's hair kept getting caught on every available bit of flora as they moved through the forest. She had all manner of stuff tangled in the pink, been whipped in the face with flexible branches, had tripped countless times, and the red of her outfit was thoroughly muddied. Considering she generally did fuck all during the second stage of the exam, her minor misfortunes should not skew things too badly. And even if it did there was always the next loop.

Kabuto's team fared worse. Kabuto's glasses had been shattered within the first ten minutes, which pissed the kid off something fierce. One of his two fellow traitors broke his leg shortly after and the third stumbled into a spider's web and alerted the denizens of that sector to their bumbling.

Within moments there was a whole pack of massive spiders flinging webs and bundling those three up as an All You Can Sip Buffet for later. Possibly an All You Can Suck Buffet. It would depend on how cultured the spiders were.

Gaara's team was besieged by an enemy that no one would particularly enjoy fighting. Somehow the sand that Gaara controlled had gotten into everything—their supplies, their hair, their clothes, their underthings, and worse.

The redhead was near to ripping his own hair out that not all of the sand was obeying his will. It was not a surprise that his reaction was to crush anything and everything that got in his way—trees, wildlife, other genin teams…

The real surprise for Tsuna was seeing an all female team of genin essentially go fangirl on Gaara and start chasing him, screaming out, "Gaara-kun! We want to have your babies! Stand still so we have make some!"

It just wasn't a surprise that when it came time for the prelims, Gaara crushed his opponent in five seconds flat, then stomped off grumbling, casting narrow-eyed looks at the female genin who had managed to make it that far.

xXx

Tsuna woke up to see a very familiar ceiling that belonged to a very familiar shithole. With a sigh he stepped over to his storage and got started on breakfast.

"I've been thinking," Chikusa said as he set the table. "Mukuro mentioned something about your body's memories, from before you woke up. It … caught my attention."

He glanced over his shoulder; Chikusa was sporting a thoughtful frown.

"Naruto used the Kyūbi's chakra on the Wave mission, when he thought Sasuke had been killed. You don't use it, but why would you? The thing is, from what we've been learning about the other jinchūriki, I have to wonder if these chakra beasts are more than mere beasts. Look at Gaara. He's always going on about what 'Mother' wants, which strongly implies that the Ichibi talks to him."

Tsuna paused for a moment at that.

"So, you're thinking that all the bijū are … sentient?" Mukuro said.

"Quite possibly. True, Gaara cannot sleep lest the Ichibi take over, and one sure path to insanity is a lack of sleep. He could just be hearing voices. Still, it lends some weight to the idea that the bijū are sentient. History regarding Ōtsutsuki Hagoromo says that he split the Jūbi into the nine beasts we know of. Also said is that the Jūbi was the result of Ōtsutsuki Kaguya merging with the God Tree of this world. Whether or not that is true is only somewhat relevant. The potential behind it still suggests the same thing, that the bijū are not mindless beasts."

"So what we do with that?" Ken asked.

Daemon eyed Tsuna thoughtfully. "Your mind is a fortress, darling. I would like to think—especially as technically, we're all in there with you—you could withstand any attempts by the Kyūbi to mess with you. Provocations, mind-fuckery, and so on."

"So, what?" he said. "Meditate and try to figure out where the connection is? Which reminds me, we have the opportunity to try to get this seal diagrammed again. This body is, what, thirteen? We have a few years, or however many loops, so long as I ensure we make it to the third stage."

"Then after breakfast we can have another go at it," Xeul said. "Add to what we already have. If we knew what it was supposed to be beyond… Yeah, I can see where the whole issue of sentience is a problem. That seal erased the Kyūbi, sucked out all its chakra and made it yours. A chakra beast with no chakra is nothing. If it really is sentient, the seal basically used your body to murder the thing."

"There's a pleasant thought," he muttered, then brought breakfast to the table with Sin's help. "So, goals this loop. Danzō and Root, the seal, and trying to see if I can communicate with the Kyūbi." He let out a sigh and began to eat. "Oh, and instruments. See if we can't ram some culture down their throats."

After they were done eating, Ken took care of the dishes while Tsuna had a lie down so Hayato, Chikusa, and Sin could examine his seal. His Mists went off to cause trouble. In the background was the discordant sound of many, many shadow clones all practicing on their instruments.

"On a side note, let's arrange for me to be up against Kabuki-Boy this time."

"Oh?" Hayato said. "Reasoning?"

"I'm curious to see if he'll forfeit again, for one. I imagine he will, but who knows? Uzumaki Naruto is a complete fuck-up with one technique to his name and can't even properly use taijutsu. He might think it'd be worth it to trounce the idiot without even using that puppet."

"He uses poisons," Ken pointed out.

"So I carry some bezoars. We can also run some tests during the training month to see how this body responds to various poisons of this world. Or I do the sensible thing and use magic to filter all the air I breathe, and have an invisible set of armor protecting my skin. Or my version of a rebreather using Earth, Mist, and Cloud, though admittedly, that was geared toward breathing underwater."

"All right, point taken," Hayato said indulgently. "We could also work on some kind of seal to accomplish the same."

"There's also me, Edging, and taking care of any issues," Sin said absently as he sketched out another section of the seal.

"There is no such thing as overkill," he said sagely. "And speaking of which, the next time we get stuck in our original subset, what say we consider pranking the everloving fuck out of the old man and his stuck up guardians?"

Sin gave him a look so full of love it was like a huge cat sitting on his chest and purring like a rusty lawnmower.

xXx

"Could it be as simple as entering my mindscape and imagining a door there?" he wondered.

Daemon latched onto him and smiled. "Let's go find out! Because really, you don't think we'd let you go speak to a nine-tailed chakra beast all by your lonesome, do you?"

Tsuna snorted. "Hardly. Do you think a chakra beast would appreciate a nice meal?"

Sin rolled his eyes. "Of course you would ask that."

"It's supposed to be a fox," Ken said. "I assume it would like any raw meat, but I can't see you just hacking up the nearest cow and serving steak tartare. Foxes are omnivores, and during certain times of the year, may subsist on fruit alone."

Tsuna considered that for a short time. "I could always make some mango chicken stir fry, pinapple chicken teriyaki, maybe pork with apples…"

"All of it?" Mukuro asked hopefully.

"Wait a minute," Chikusa said. "Is it even possible to bring anything other than a mental representation of something into your mindscape?"

He shrugged. "It's a seal, right? It contains something. And if it doesn't work, perhaps a representation of something I know the taste of will work well enough. That being so, I'll make all three, enough for us plus a large serving of each for the Kyūbi. That, however, we can use a stasis spell on in case it's not possible to literally bring it with us. If this is more like an astral projection-type deal, well… Otherwise, I'll offer it. The interior of a containment seal may count as just another sub-dimension."

Everyone nodded, but of course, someone just had to state the obvious. Xeul smiled sunnily as he said, "And if it is, I suppose we should set up some sort of waste-vanishing system?"

Tsuna groaned and headed to the kitchen part of his storage, Sin right behind him.

"If nothing else," Sin said, "we can eat and enjoy it, and we're not even alive, really, not exactly, so I see no reason why a tailed-beast couldn't do the same."

xXx

Tsuna, after an orgy of cooking and a mighty fine lunch, turned inward so he could poke around in his mindscape. The "rooms" where his family resided were given a once-over, but they contained nothing he did not expect. That being so, he ventured outward, harmonizing his way through an exterior wall (no point in making a door that might serve as a back door for an unwelcome party).

Out in the vast nothingness of his mindscape (a view that would possibly have been quite appropriate during those times he was sealed) all he could sense-see was the suggestion of a neural network and electricity humming along happily.

He leaned on his intuition and followed where it led. One more step and he switched from nothingness to a sewer system of sorts. After sending the signal and watching his family materialize into place he said, "Conduits not for water or sewage, but for chakra, perhaps?"

Sin's nose wrinkled. "The tile work is a bit boring, tesoro. It's your mind. Perhaps make it look a bit nicer?"

Tsuna rolled his eyes. His lover was such a snob. He started walking, letting his intuition nudge him along, until they arrived in a very large "room". One entire wall was dominated by floor to ceiling bars, thicker at the center, where a small seal rested along the seam, and to either side was ornate metal scrollwork.

Beyond it was darkness, showing only a set of massive, shadowed eyes and a Cheshire grin full of large, sharp teeth.

"Come closer," a thick, heavy voice rumbled.

"Do I honestly look that stupid?" he asked, absently noticing that he was in his Naruto form rather than the one he considered his own.

The Kyūbi—for what else could it be—seemed to notice the others, for it moved forward and revealed itself. It was a massive nine-tailed fox … with rabbit ears?

Tsuna cocked his head to the side. "If you're interested, I brought along some food. And no, I don't mean myself or my companions." He pulled the extra food he'd made from storage and slid it through the bars.

He just knew that his family was betting that his facility with food in general would be an excellent way to gain the neutrality of the Kyūbi, if not a certain level of friendliness. "If there's any food in particular you would prefer, let me know. I went with what I knew of foxes, which is that they are omnivores and generally subsist on meat and fruit."

The Kyūbi gave him what amounted to a seriously confused look, then eyed the three plates of food. After a long pause, it lowered itself so it could better sniff the offerings, then take a sample. After another long pause, during which everyone just stared, the Kyūbi snarfed up all three offerings and then sat on its haunches.

"Was the food acceptable?" he asked.

"It … wasn't bad," the Kyūbi allowed, then adopted a suspicious look. "You're not trying to bribe me for my chakra are you? Because that won't work."

Tsuna snorted. "Like I need it. Have you not noticed how much I already have? Or are you unable to sense much from here?"

The Kyūbi snorted back. "Of course I can sense how much, but you fleshbags always want more. Why would you be any different."

His family responded by laughing themselves silly as the Kyūbi looked on in confusion.

"Something tells me—" His intuition, but the Kyūbi didn't need to know that. "—that you can sense emotional states, which would explain why you are not attempting further to intimidate someone who is clearly not frightened nor intimidated."

The Kyūbi snorted again and lowered itself, crossing its front paws. Tsuna could almost imagine the beast wearing a set of spectacles.

"If certain people in this village had their way, they would push me to depend only on your chakra, which is not something I will allow. They do not seem to realize that by doing so, it is an admission on their part that they see no worth in me, hold no faith in me, and see me only as the human conduit of a weapon they could not otherwise control."

The Kyūbi wrinkled its nose. "You must admit you have been quite stupid your entire life. There's precious little reason they would think otherwise."

"True, but that was before I awoke," he said, which only made the Kyūbi confused again. "Let me tell you a story." A gesture to his Mists saw a large screen pop into place, basically so he could project memories onto it, like a modified pensieve. He limited what he showed to the previous life as Naruto, plus the memories of the present life's loops.

"As you can see, I have already acquired your chakra, previously. That is what the seal the Yondaime designed will do by the time this body is sixteen. However, it was conjectured, due to the way the container for the Ichibi speaks, that the tailed beasts are sentient, and therefore the ultimate result of the seal is murder."

"Which would be fine, of course," Daemon said, "assuming you actually deserve to die. You did attack Konoha, after all, for reasons no one is aware of, aside from assuming that all bijū are mindless, ravaging beasts. Rabid, if you will. If you are a defect, we have no issue with your death. If not, there is a clear problem. Myths are one thing, but reality is often something else."

"Considering Shinigami was involved…" The Kyūbi trailed off, unhappily it seemed.

"We can prevent anyone knowing I contain you, but that does not solve the basic issue. As it stands, with time, you will be no more, aside from the half of you currently residing in the stomach of Shinigami."

"I wonder what Pein's reaction would be to being dragged here right before we pluck out his eyes and lop his head off," Ken mused.

Tsuna laughed merrily. "We could, but we'd have to replace his eyes first, use a chakra disruption seal so he couldn't use any techniques, and see if he pisses himself being faced with the Kyūbi. But only after we use him to assemble the others so we can off the defects and destroy the Gedō Mazō. We need to stay on top of that each loop in the event that the loops end."

"Of course, darling."

"Do you maintain some level of contact with your … siblings?" he asked. "You were, according to myth, one being at one point, split into nine. It stands to reason that there is a connection."

"…I'm not talking to you right now," the Kyūbi said. "Come back in a week."

There was a wave of chakra and they all found themselves back in the real world.

"Huh."

"I think you got a good start on getting through to him, tesoro."

"Hopefully. If the Kyūbi is staring death of self in the face no matter what, should nothing change…"

xXx

Danzō and Root were seen to, the Hyūga elders (bar Hiashi) suffered a terrible accident (what that wood chipper had been doing there was anyone's guess), and Akatsuki was wiped off the face of the planet (bar Pein, who was subjected to eye surgery, chakra disruption seals, and the Draught of Living Death until further needed).

Tsuna had shunted meals to the seal's interior, to the Kyūbi's cage, every day. Now that he had been there he could open a window to it, treating it as just another sub-dimension. It made him wonder…

"If you could simply shift the Kyūbi outside the seal?" Mukuro asked.

"Yeah," he said with a nod. "The Fidelius wouldn't help long-term, but an area could presumably be warded for it to have a safe retreat. It all depends on why it attacked and what it would do if free. No point in creating a haven if it would just use it to hide from the consequences of its malicious actions."

"Hopefully it'll tell us," Chikusa said, "but it may be under the impression we're trying to mind-fuck it. If it persists in hiding its motivation for the attack on Konoha, we may have to assume it is a defect and allow the seal to consume it."

"On a side note," Xeul said, "has it struck anyone else as a bit odd that two parts of the Chūnin Selection Exams are proctored by the two top T&I specialists? Do other villages do this?"

"We'll have to check," he said, then rolled his eyes. "Well, assuming we eventually get beyond the loop. They're what, every six months? We've only seen one example. Maybe other villages have more interesting exams. Maybe if we get bored enough with these loops we can reprogram certain people to change things up during this one."

"The first tests information gathering," Hayato said, "and the realization that you don't always get to choose whether or not to take a mission. The second is survival and the willingness to defeat or kill others to accomplish the mission. The third is just a showcase designed to attract customers, plus give some time toward showing off strategy."

He shrugged. "We'll just have to think about it. It's been a week, so let me do some cooking and we can go visit the fox again."

Some time later they all shifted into the seal, to the spot in front of the Kyūbi's cage. Tsuna slid a meal through the bars and watched as the fox came into view. It ate the food, settled itself, and said, "I have decided to cooperate."

His brow went up. "In what sense?"

"I attacked—both times—because I was being controlled by those cursed eyes. You and yours feel no hesitation in destroying members of the Uchiha."

"We have built up something of a collection of eyes, I admit," he said.

"And none of you have ever used them."

"Didn't see the point," he replied. "Just like I didn't see the point in using those shiny rinnegan we acquired, or any byakugan. In this world, at this point in time, there are two people who have sharingans, Hatake Kakashi and Uchiha Sasuke, and Sasuke is looking at a death sentence the second it becomes convenient."

"Because of his eyes?"

Tsuna shook his head. "That curse mark, if you remember. Unless we figure out a way to remove it, he will always be an avenue for Orochimaru to be reborn, just like Mitarashi Anko and any other unfortunate soul he gave that cursed seal to. The fact that Sasuke turned out to be a bit of a psycho last time is the other reason. His brother really did a number on him, and the idiot people of the village did him no favors, either."

"So Madara and Swirly—as we have never established that they were the same person—both used the sharingan to control you?" Daemon asked.

The Kyūbi nodded.

"Well that's one hell of a weakness," he muttered. "I have to assume if it works against you, your siblings would be likewise vulnerable. What a mess."

We must assume that it's being truthful given that your intuition doesn't seem to be objecting.

He dropped his chin for a moment in agreement. "On a side note, do you consider yourself to have a gender?"

The Kyūbi gave him another one of those looks. "Yes, male."

"Okay. On a side note, next loop we should let Sakura make it to the third stage, just so she can embarrass herself in front of so many dignitaries. But not as an obvious prank. They'd just assume I had something to do with it. Maybe a bye."

"Do you have access to your siblings?" Daemon asked, trying to get an answer for an earlier question.

"Yes, of a sort. We can communicate if we wish."

"I just had an idea," Sin said. "What if we make each bijū the Secret Keeper for another, in a round? They might not be able to spend much time physically in the same place, but… They would all be safe from those who sought to use them, such as any Uchiha we aren't aware of."

"The Ichibi is insane," Chikusa pointed out, "though Gaara turned out to be a pretty cool guy. Sure, that old lady sacrificed her life-force to bring him back after that weirdo got the drop on the kid and the bijū was extracted…"

"Shukaku is not so much insane as childish," the Kyūbi said. "He's never quite forgiven me for insisting that the strength of a bijū is measured by the number of their tails. He, like many of my siblings, holds humans in contempt for the way we've been treated, with only rare exceptions singled out."

"So he can be reasoned with," Mukuro said. "We could set up a circle where each of you protects the next, and since you are all effectively immortal, it would last. None of you would be shoved into the Gedō Mazō—which no longer exists, by the way—none of you would be used as weapons, and no one would have a clue who held any of you. Once your hosts died by whatever means, you would each be free."

"Which is all fine and good," Chikusa said, "so long as none of you did anything to cause humans to hunt you again. And we would need to get the Kyūbi out of this seal first, otherwise one of the bijū would be unprotected as the Kyūbi would be no more in a few years."

"Kurama," the Kyūbi said. "My name is Kurama."

Tsuna smiled. "Kurama, then. There's a number of details we would have to work out to get this idea to function. Would you be willing to sound out your siblings, see if they would agree to this? If they are, we would have to do some shifting around in secret, long enough for each bijū to be implanted with the Secret for the next, all the way around. If any bijū is friendly with their jinchūriki, we could ensure that human was made aware again. And if you can all communicate on some level despite the difference, each bijū could tell the Secret they hold to the rest, so all of you as siblings would remain aware of each other."

"Where would you … shift … me to?"

Tsuna turned to his family. "We'll have to find a spot and ward the everloving fuck out of it, using time turners as necessary, shadow clones, the works. We only have a little less than three weeks to get all this accomplished, assuming the other bijū agree to the plan. Surely there's a forest we can coopt for this."

"We also have to keep in mind that Orochimaru has been planning to use the Ichibi as a weapon in the upcoming invasion," Daemon said. "True, we'll be taking care of him, but if the Ichibi is agreeable, perhaps he'll no longer threaten to take over every time that poor kid starts to nod off."

"The only other people who would need to know is us. We'd have to, to get this set up in the first place. We can't very well implant a Secret into a being we aren't aware exists. Is a forest okay for you?"

Kurama nodded.

Tsuna opened a window and started poking around Hi no Kuni, looking for a likely spot. "We can use a spherical ward, so that even an attempt at using some of those earth techniques to burrow in would be useless."

"The only real danger I can think of would be jikūkan like the hiraishin or Swirly's deal, and what we can do," Hayato said, also poking around with a window.

"That's all fairly rare, though," Chikusa said.

"How about this?" he said, moving so that Kurama could see what was in his window. "It's not massive, but it's a fair amount of territory. You wouldn't be confined to it, but unless you can shapeshift, leaving the borders would probably cause a whole lot of people to faint in a puddle of their own piss, or attack."

The forest he had located was at least the size of the Forest of Death, which was no small amount of land. There were also no villages nearby.

"It looks suitable," was all Kurama had to say.

"Awesome! In that case, we will get to warding the forest while you talk to your siblings. Even if they don't agree, we will shift you out of the seal to that forest. Hopefully… Hopefully that won't kill us both. I mean, if I die it's not that big of a deal, but…"

xXx

The next week was spent in furious preparation. Shadow clones were everywhere! Ward stones were acquired from λ15 (mostly to save time) and set in a perimeter just inside the proposed boundary, plus a much larger one set just below the surface at the exact center of the area, but only after Chikusa and Ken had spent hours carving in the correct rune sequences.

Animals of the forest were contained, in case Kurama was feeling peckish. Clearly he could eat, but given that he was a beast comprised of chakra and a mind, he could probably do just fine with nothing or sampling the natural chakra of the world. It made him wonder if it was possible for Kurama to regenerate the yin chakra that had been sealed away in Namikaze.

The ward stones had been altered to function off chakra rather than magic, though they primed them with both. Tsuna had also, after taking a ward stone into the seal to ask Kurama to hit it with his demonic chakra to see what would happen, added a little something to prevent them from being eroded that way.

Kurama could still pass through the barrier, but no one could use demonic chakra (if that was even something that could be stored up) to negate the protections from the outside. If someone like Swirly existed, it was conceivable that the stones could be shifted away, breaking the ward, but no protection was one-hundred percent perfect, and that assumed anyone would even recognize the ward stones for what they were.

Back in the seal they faced Kurama once again.

"They will cooperate, if and only if you can successfully remove me from this prison."

Tsuna nodded. "Awesome. Then let's do it. If we die, well, we'll be back and have to go through this explanation all over again. I'll keep a window open here, and shift you from the outside, from the forest itself."

Samsara vanished from the seal and shifted over to the warded forest. Tsuna took a breath, absently noting that his intuition was not raising any kind of alarm—nor had it been since they conceived the plan—and shifted the Kyūbi from the seal's interior to the space in front of him.

Kurama blinked, stretched, and settled down.

"That was a bit anticlimactic," Ken observed. "Which is good, don't get me wrong. Not having to wake up to that shithole again so soon…"

Tsuna hummed. "Now, let's have a meal. That was a bit more tiring than I expected." He shifted in equipment and supplies and got to cooking, Sin stepping up to give him a hand. A short time later they were seated a table someone had shifted in, and Kurama had a tray of his own containing a good-sized portion of food.

Once they were done stuffing themselves and everything had been put away Tsuna said, "Who would you like to be Secret Keeper for?"

Kurama shrugged. "Shukaku is right in Konoha. Might as well be him."

"Does Gaara have any clue what's been decided?"

Kurama shrugged again.

"Right, so the use of a paralytic is in order, just in case," he said. "After we have Shukaku protected and you share the secret to us and the rest of your siblings, we can determine who Shukaku would prefer to protect."

The information they gained from having to enter the seals all the bijū were contained in was carefully squirreled away in the event they had to do this all over again, either shortly in the case of the loop resetting, or later if they ended up in a Naruto world again, by all of Samsara in safe spots of memory.

All the bijū were open to letting their containers in on the Secret, so no one suddenly forgot the reason they may or may not be hated, though none of them were allowed to know the identity of the one actually doing the work. No one needed to know that Naruto himself was behind all of this.

All in time for the third stage of the exams. Was it any wonder that certain people were running around like chickens with their heads cut off? At least the old fossil was not an issue, though Sarutobi was trying to fit in a round of quiet panic to go with the one from having Root dumped in his lap.

Gaara had slept for a full day before popping awake again, much to the terror of his siblings and sensei. He had then taken himself off to a local park so he could entertain the children there with dancing sand bears.

Given that the sheep of Konoha (and plenty of its shinobi) had no clue the kid was a jinchūriki (prior to any Secrets being established), no one had any particular reason to intervene or shoo the kids away. Some did eye the situation with some trepidation due to Gaara being a foreign shinobi, but with the Suna emblem clearly visible, they let it slide.

Pein (with a set of perfectly normal, not at all special snowflake eyes), constrained by a chakra disruption seal and quite a lot of ninja wire, was shifted over to Kurama's forest. He held out for a good thirty seconds before he lost control of his bladder. Kurama giving another one of those Cheshire grins probably contributed greatly.

"If you're hungry you can eat him," Tsuna said. "If not, we'll just disintegrate the idiot."

"Meh," Kurama said. "I'd rather not eat it. Not in the mood for urine today."

Tsuna shrugged and tipped his head toward Hayato, who promptly disintegrated the fucker.

"Okay, done. Now, we have no idea how long this will last. We could be redoing all of this in a week, or we might finally have figured out what stops the loops, in which case it'll last beyond the point where I die a hilariously stupid death."

Kurama nodded, seemingly accepting that. "Then I will see you later. Or not."

xXx

Sadly, Kabuki-Boy forfeited rather than risk being taken out by sheer dumb luck. Tsuna pouted just long enough for everyone to see it, then adopted a psychotically cheerful and smug look. 'Actually, who am I cosplaying as again?' he wondered, then glanced down at his clothes. Bright orange. 'Ah, the idiot, right. I should tone down the Skull-sama bit, then.'

The invasion happened right on schedule, Tsuna sent a few hundred clones off to help the villagers, and retreated to his storage. The window on Gaara showed that the kid was escorting civilian children to the bunkers, a cadre of sand bears helping to protect them—which was kind of sweet, really.

They flipped a coin when it came to the Hokage. Him dead or alive did not seem to matter, after all, so they erred on the side of defective-but-not-evil and left it up to chance. Once the coin hit the ground and it was determined he would live, Sin shifted out to go cause mayhem against Orochimaru's defective minions and Hayato had some fun disintegrating people.

He went to bed that night—in his storage, of course.

xXx

Tsuna woke up to … the sunset sky of his storage. "Wake up!"

Everyone jolted awake and realized what he had.

"So, breakfast," he muttered, then rolled out of bed to get started.

Sin joined him to help, Ken went to set the table, and the others hit the whiteboard to figure out what they still needed to do to leave the world a better place before Tsuna kicked it in a tragic accident.

"So what's the damage?" he said as he served.

"You may get hauled off to drag Senju back again. We should probably do the Secret again that you were a jinchūriki, just to cover that angle for all the idiots out there who think killing you is an easy ticket to their own nuke."

"Because fūinjutsu masters are just all over the fuckin' place," Hayato said snidely.

He had to think about things. Having been through so many short loops had done strange things to his memories of the first go around in a Naruto world. "These people think I'm an idiot. Maybe I should get myself medically invalidated and open a restaurant instead."

"We can arrange an accident," Sin said. "But medically invalidated, hm… We talked about it before, but… I'm at something of a loss as to how to accomplish that."

"Which reminds me, we need to off Sasuke at the earliest opportunity and steal his eyes. Maybe I can use mental trauma from witnessing his death as a reason to be invalidated. Maybe have a fake Itachi show up and do something really heinous? We don't even need the kid's eyes if we ensure they get spiked. And the body incinerated."

"Wouldn't that Yamanaka dude get involved?" Ken asked.

"Possibly, but you really think one of our delightful Mists couldn't fake him out? In fact, Mists, come up with a scenario, please. I need to be a witness, and if one of you would be ready to augment whatever acting I can manage in the way of looking horrified and traumatized… It'd be good to get it done before the little snotbag has a chance to think about defecting. As soon as that's been handled we need to pull an all-nighter to ensure all of Orochimaru's spare bodies are dealt with."

"Should we allow the Senju trip to happen?" Mukuro asked. "Sasuke learned his brother had been in the village, decided he was after you, and hauled ass to confront him. We'd have to fake an Itachi and a Kisame, but that could be our tragic death. Ero-Sennin would have to be mind-fucked to show up a tiny bit too late, but in time to save Naruto from whatever."

Tsuna tucked into his meal while his family kicked ideas around. He could have one of his Mists mind-fuck an applicable party so he could purchase a property, pretend that his family were all henged shadow clones to account for them—after all, a new family moving to Konoha on the heels of an invasion?—and do what he did best (aside from taking care of his family), seduce people with his cooking.

After they tossed up a few dozen protections. And decided on a name that wasn't Kaiten.

"Either Kōtai or Hendō," Sin said absently, finishing off his breakfast.

"Yeah, those would work. I can just use the menu for Kaiten, with the odd tweaks. Should be fine."

"Until people find out who the chef is and expire from the shock of realizing there is no such thing as ramen on the menu," Ken said, collecting plates and bowls and suchlike off the table to be ferried to the sink for washing.

"Huh." That could be an issue. Maybe people would assume the trauma had scared the stupidity out of their favorite scapegoat? And by the time anyone realized who actually did the cooking (assuming he didn't just use a disguise or refuse to ever be seen outside the kitchen), they'd be too in love with his cooking to boycott the place.

"You might be in for Akimichi stalkers," Sin pointed out, reading his thoughts as per usual.

He grimaced. "Meh. It's not like they can duplicate our special touch. And if we ward the place right, they won't be able to send their—okay, not little—ninja family members to try to steal any recipes. The fact that I do it all from memory doesn't hurt, either."

"Okay," Daemon announced. "We have it worked out."

xXx

"Are we gonna be rescuing a princess!?" he asked excitedly.

"…Uh, yeah, sure," Jiraiya said agreeably.

"Sugoi!" he screamed, inwardly smirking when Jiraiya visibly winced.

"Go pack for a couple of weeks and meet me at the main gate in an hour."

Tsuna nodded like an excited house-elf and dashed off, stepping into his storage at the first opportunity.

Naturally, along the way, Tsuna pestered the everloving fuck out of Jiraiya for super awesome flashy techniques. Oddly, Jiraiya did not shut him up with the steps toward learning the Rasengan, but perhaps that was simply because he was acting like an idiot who had ripped his own brains out and filled the hollow skull cavity with ramen.

He saw a twinkle off to the side and had to assume it was his family's way of laughing at his thoughts.

We're waiting in town for when you arrive. Mukuro is ready to tweak things to ensure that Ero-Sennin does not arrive until the time is right. Sasuke will get his nudge, as will Gai at the appropriate time.

Who won jan-ken to get the duty of offing the defect?

Not telling~! See if you can figure out which of us is which.

Tsuna snorted quietly. "What about ramen, then!?" he shouted. "Does this town we're going to have good ramen!? Though nothing can beat Ramen Ichiraku! They've got the best ramen in the whole world, Ero-Sennin!"

Jiraiya twitched.

xXx

As expected, Jiraiya carelessly told him to go practice his chakra control after tossing him a key, then went sniffing off after a busty lady of questionable morals who gave the pervert a salacious look.

Tsuna waited until he was up in the room to roll his eyes and settled in to have a meal and watch both Jiraiya and the corridor outside on windows.

Heads up, darling. Sasuke is even now not far out from the town border and will be here shortly. He's on a tear.

Two bodies materialized into place just outside the door. Kisame waved.

Tsuna chortled, then laughed when Itachi made gimme motions. He shifted some onigiri out to them.

Itachi glanced off to the side, then nodded. "Almost here. We're knocking."

Tsuna finished up the last of his meal and got up. After all, he had to stand witness to the tragic, senseless death of his teammate and become psychologically unfit for duty. Ten seconds after a knock at the door he was opening it, staring out with laughing eyes.

"Are you selling shinobi cookies?" he asked, "because I don't have any ryo on me. You'll have to try elsewhere, sorry."

Kisame licked his lips. "Mm, cookies. Salted caramel chocolate chip?"

"I could do that, sure." His window alerted him to the arrival of Sasuke so he adopted a frightened look and said, "Wh-what's going on…?"

Kisame reached back to get his sword. "Well…"

"It has been a while, Sasuke," Itachi said.

Tsuna whipped his head to the side like an idiot so he could see Sasuke. The kid's expression was a peculiar mixture of rage and sorrow, but mostly rage.

"Uchiha Itachi…"

Oh, here comes the drama.

"My oh my," Kisame said. "Today is a special day indeed, don't you think? This is the second time I've seen another sharingan."

"I will … kill you!"

"Who is this kid, anyway?" Kisame asked with just the right touch of indifference.

"He is … my younger brother."

"I heard the entire Uchiha Clan was wiped out. Why is this pipsqueak even alive, then?"

Kisame and Itachi both turned to look at Sasuke (and Tsuna knew Sasuke did not notice the two men had switched both places and identities). Itachi's narrow-eyed gaze was in marked contrast to Sasuke's bug-eyed look of rage.

"I've been wanting to say this to you," Sasuke said. "I've lived hating you. And also that I have lived only to kill you. I have lived for this!" he shouted, his left hand forming the chidori. He hauled ass down the hallway, raking his hand along the wall (like a rage-blinded idiot).

Itachi caught the kid's wrist, said, "So pathetic," and spiked Sasuke's eyes out with his free hand.

Tsuna obligingly fell on his ass in terror.

What was left of the eyes hit the floor with a flick of Itachi's hand and were quite deliberately stepped on. Tsuna had to wonder if Sasuke could hear what had just happened. Itachi next broke one wrist, then the other, while the kid was still in shock at losing his dōjutsu and sight. Arm bones were next, shoulders were given sharp hits…

Itachi systematically took Sasuke apart without removing anything other than the kid's eyes, and finished things off with a strike to the chest that Tsuna knew had liquefied Sasuke's heart just as Jiraiya arrived with all his flashy pageantry, only to stop dead when he saw what had been done to Sasuke and what condition Naruto appeared to be in.

"Kisame, we're leaving." Itachi took two steps and vanished out a nearby window, his partner right behind him.

Tsuna just stared at the corpse with red-rimmed eyes, tears running down his face, and a thousand-yard stare.

When Gai arrived shortly thereafter, Tsuna and the corpse were returned to Konoha.

xXx

They set up in a building not far off the main road, nearer to the academy and Hokage Tower. Kōtai was very small, with only six tables. With the level of technology that existed in the Elemental Nations they could not use a touchscreen reservation system. Ken took care of scheduling reservations, Hayato handled the books, Sin helped him in the kitchen, and the others either sourced supplies or handled patrons, depending on who felt like doing which on any given day.

That was the plan.

Tsuna pulled off an Academy Award performance for the Yamanaka they brought in and the Hokage over the course of several months and appeared to in no get any better with the idea of going back to doing missions, so he was invalidated (with a little help from his family).

The old man, no longer remembering he was or had been a jinchūriki, had no reason to protest a traumatized thirteen year old being discharged, and told Tsuna he could either enter the civilian school or find an apprentice position. He would go back to receiving the orphan stipend until he turned sixteen or found himself a decent job, whichever came first.

That no one seemed to have a problem with the idea of Naruto, of all people, having managed to save up enough money to purchase a small restaurant was a testament to the skill of his Mists. (Or the idea that Naruto was just that good at getting other people to pay for his ramen sprees to keep himself halfway decently fed.)

It took time, just as Kaiten had taken time. Custom tables had to be crafted along with the booth seating and the dividers. Reborn helped with that, since he was such a swell guy (and bribed with plenty of food), though they had shifted over native woods for the project.

"I had a thought," Hayato said.

Tsuna's brow went up as he helped Ken slide a tabletop inlay into place.

"There's no reason we can't use shadow clones to set up over there in that corner and play music for the patrons."

Tsuna eyed the corner. He had been planning to put some sort of artsy conversation piece over there, but musicians would be a conversation piece all on their own, and promote some culture. "Sure. But preferably nothing Japanese. I'm a native and I hate traditional Japanese music."

"It's like the yowling death cries of far too many feral cats," Hayato said tiredly. "We know."

"How are we on stasis supplies?"

"Pretty good. We've had clones doing a whole lot of fishing, for one. We could just have Reborn do some purchasing for us, but if anyone asked where the hell you got the money for that we'd have to do some mind-fucking. Better to start with fish-based dishes first, with stuff we can forage locally. Earn enough legitimately to purchase additional supplies.

"Well, a lot of this stuff you could have made yourself after experimentation. We did use local woods, after all. Metals scavenged from training grounds, stuff from your short-lived ninja career… Won't explain the instruments, though."

"I'll lie," he said. "Considering how often this body skipped out on classes or was sent out on the flimsiest of excuses, it had plenty of time to be doing things in the background. Add to that the sheer number of times this body pulled pranks and eluded everyone. And if it all goes to shit, we bail. On a side note, while we're still in the process of gathering supplies for stasis… Are there any laws that would prevent us from sending out clones to busk?"

Chikusa shook his head slowly. "Not that I'm aware of, but we weren't as interested in the laws this time. We'll have to do a comparison from what's in our library and what is in effect here and now. If any money we earn needs to have taxes paid, we need to be aware of it, and where to pay it."

"Sadly, there are no wild cattle herds we could thin out," he said, "and Naruto doesn't have enough money left to purchase a herd, plus the land for them, to get beef, milk, and cheese. Don't even have enough room to keep chickens. And no one with any sense keeps chickens near a populated area. The smell of chicken shit alone would invite retaliation."

"Please tell me the menu is all foreign dishes," Sin said. "We'd stand out hard, above and beyond the exclusive nature of the place."

Tsuna nodded. "Something like French one week, Italian the next, British, Thai, German, American, and Mexican. That'd be a decent spread. It'll also raise a ton of questions, but that's what mind-fuckery is for."

xXx

Tsuna had enough time to wake up to the realization that doom was imminent before he was crushed to death in the then ruins of Kōtai. One of his clones had been on its way back from a hunting trip (beef slaughtered from Iwa's own stocks) and was "lucky" enough to witness a bunch of inebriated Akimichi balloon up with their family Hiden and drunkenly crash into his building in a bizarre game of pinball gone wrong.