Note: The music musings of λ26 was prompted by Wintergatan Soundtrack 01 - MUSIC BOX, HARP & HACKBRETT at YouTube, video ID: ThYMEYtYC8o
He woke up staring at the sky, so at least he knew he had not awakened to the usual circumstances. The sky itself was a lovely blue, with some puffy clouds, so at least he wasn't being wet on. The buildings in view screamed Europe—Italy, specifically—so he sat up and sighed, taking in the alley he was in.
'Well, this is different,' Mukuro commented.
'Shall we head to storage and send out the usual windows?' Daemon suggested.
Tsuna gave a slight nod, got up, and slipped through Between to his storage. His family materialized, then windows went out hunting, both for a newspaper and a likely location. No one normal noticed when a newspaper did disappear between one second and the next.
"Hang on, I know this place," Sin said. "We're in Besate."
"April of 1997," his brother said as he checked the paper, then looked at him. "And you look around twenty."
"Not to mention quite familiar," Xeul added with a faint frown. "Though scruffy and in dire need of a shower."
Tsuna's brow went up, then he headed over to a mirror. He was surprised to see that his hair was blond, for one thing. His eyes were a shade off amber, leaning more to the yellow side. He also wasn't as pretty as he usually was, which was both good and bad, but largely irrelevant as he could look like however he wanted.
"I vote for a heritage potion," Mukuro said. "This new look of yours is disturbing, darling."
"Heul?" Sin prodded, then walked over to wrap his arms around Tsuna. "You in there, tesoro?"
"…I have a bad feeling about this," he said, "and I very much doubt it has anything to do with having my head near ripped off in a freak accident."
"Was that a yes I heard?" Mukuro said. "If it's bad news, better to know now and be able to account for it, than be blindsided later."
Tsuna rolled his eyes and turned around. After he gave his lover a kiss, he nodded. "Sure. May as well get it over with." He opened a window to λ15, to a Knockturn apothecary in the middle of the night, and looted what they would need. Everything was placed on a handy table, and he went off to go cook something.
xXx
His name was Seta Kaiyo, born to Seta Flavia and Sawada Ietsuna. Tsuna sat on his hands so he didn't flip a table or something. "I'm a bastard child again!?" He glared up at the ceiling and shook his head. "Right. I can see keeping the Seta part, but unless there's a good reason not to, I'm thinking of using Heul this life."
Daemon shifted uncomfortably. "Heul darling, you seem to be missing the really important part here. The part where you're half-brother to the Tsow?"
The timer went off, so he "escaped" to the kitchen so he could take his muffins out and slam the pan on the counter. To loosen them up, of course. Not because he was furious or anything.
Hayato was the one to stroll over like nothing was wrong and start some tea. "You're going to have to wait a few years to off the defect," he said conversationally.
"I know," he said with a sigh. "That and we have to find out who he married, assuming he's even married yet. How old am I?"
"Twenty," Chikusa called from the other "room".
He hummed. "That means… You know what? I've changed my mind."
"How so?"
"Xanxus is five right now if I'm doing the math right. He'll be six later in the year. We have time to get into place where we could have a positive influence on the kid."
Daemon poked his head around the edge of the refrigerator. "What happened to 'valuable personal growth time'?"
"I'm willing to bend for once," he said, then carefully extracted the muffins from the pan and placed them on a wire rack. "And I'm curious. Besides, twice now as a bastard child and I'm starting to feel a tiny bit of sympathy for his circumstances of birth."
"It's safe again," Daemon stage-whispered to the others, then stepped into the kitchen fully. "Would you like me to do a browse of your pre-awakening memories, or would you prefer to poke around yourself?"
"…You're welcome to do it and give me the highlights after."
Sin approached, plucked a muffin off the rack, and took a seat at the table. "I have an idea," he said, then bit into his muffin.
Tsuna leaned against the counter, absently accepting a cup of oolong from Hayato, and stared. Either Sin was being a troll—always possible—or he was refining the idea in his mind while he ate.
"Both," Sin said between bites.
He sipped his tea and observed, some of his good humor returning on seeing how much his lover enjoyed a simple muffin, and finally took one for himself.
"Mafia School," Sin said after wiping his hands on a napkin.
Tsuna blinked; that had all sorts of possibilities.
"It does," Sin said with a nod, "and as a bonus, we're practically next door to it right now. It's to the west of town, in a forest, on an island between a split offshoot of the river. Kids are required by law to attend school until they're sixteen in Italy—"
"Which was the age he was when he initiated the Cradle Affair."
"—so in theory we'd have access to the kid for years. You could take over the kitchen there, and I could help. Hayato could teach mathematics or something. I'd say the twins could slide into running the place, but that might be a bit much for the Alliance to swallow."
"Aside from being a mostly normal boarding school, do they even teach about flames there? I'd think the various famiglie would be teaching their kids that," Chikusa said, having padded over silently to acquire his own food and drink.
"They do, actually, though it's not compulsory. I was thinking we could get Heul in as a cook, possibly head chef, with me as his assistant, then start sliding in some or all of the rest of us. By the time the kid showed up, with us helping Teo-jiji to make that decision, we'd be comfortably ensconced."
"And in a position to, in theory, make a positive difference in his life," Ken said, "though… I could see us driving it home that family doesn't have to start with blood. I don't give a fuck if the kid keeps calling everyone trash, so long as he gets what family is. Not Levi, though, or Ottavio."
"To be fair, those two were already part of the Varia and he inherited them after Squalo defeated Tyr and handed it all over to him," Chikusa said. "But there's no reason Ottavio can't suffer an accident at a good moment, and the same for Levi. Or we find someone who is decent as a Lightning and get him promoted in place of Levi."
Daemon hummed thoughtfully. "We'll have plenty to investigate, it seems," he said, eyeing his twin and Mukuro.
"On a side note, now that Verde has those machines running, shouldn't we be putting up walls and such? Make an actual house here in your storage? It seems utterly silly not to have done so already, even with the house trunk handy," Chikusa said.
xXx
His Mists came back from spying with peculiar expressions, so he whipped up a simple meal of BLTs and chips to serve, then settled in to (presumably) be annoyed.
"First," Daemon said, "the Arcobaleno in this dimension are already cured."
His brows went up in surprise, and he was not the only one. "Actual proof that dissemination is working? But through who? Byakuran isn't even born yet, is he?"
Daemon shook his head. "I mean, he's alive, but he was only just born, so it wasn't him on this side. No, it came through Luce, presumably via Byakuran or Aria or even Yuni in another dimension. Either way, we don't have to worry about the Arcobaleno this time."
"With any luck, that'll start happening more often," Chikusa said. "It's not that I mind doing the work, but to see proof that passing along the solution is working is just…"
"Really awesome," he said. "Okay, I'm very pleased to hear that. What else have you uncovered?"
"Daniela is alive," Xeul said, "for one thing. She is presently seventy-two years old and when she retired she took over Mafia School."
Tsuna set his sandwich down, not sure whether to feel pleased or concerned.
"She seems to be quite the character," Xeul continued. "I don't think we're going to have any problems with her specifically. And besides, she likely has the Vongola Hyper Intuition, so she's going to know you aren't there applying so you can cause trouble."
"And she might also get a nudge telling her I'm related," he said unhappily. "Trying to engineer a way into that school…"
"There's a café she likes to frequent," Mukuro said, "and their current cook is considering the idea of retiring. He asked that they bring in a second one so that if he does retire, the café won't be left in a lurch."
"So I slide in—and I suppose I could stick with my current identity and ask to be called Kai rather than manufacturing a new identity—and she notices the change in food, then the present cook decides not to retire while Daniela poaches me away for her school."
"All the more reason for me to poke around in your pre-awakening memories before we move forward on the opportunity," Daemon said. "If there's anything in there we need to be wary of, it's best we know now."
Tsuna nodded and continued his meal.
"Then once we're finished eating, I will do so."
"The rest of us, however, definitely need manufactured identities," Hayato said. "And some of us look far too much like Giotto's bunch to stick with our normal appearances. I seem to recall something about how Daniela's hero was Giotto, and I'm going to bet she'd notice if any of us came to visit as we are."
Tsuna wrinkled his nose. "My own face needs to be changed. I mean, c'mon, I have blond hair again, for fuck's sake, and the more I think about what I saw in the mirror, the more I realize I look too much like the Tsow. He's already known and a part of CEDEF."
"You presenting yourself as a Cloud would help mitigate part of that," Sin said, "because even I couldn't fathom a Cloud who was also a Sky, but I agree, your face needs to change."
"Finally, the Tsow is currently unmarried. We'll have to take a deeper look to see if he even knows Nana, or if he's looking elsewhere so he can carry on the bloodline."
"I admit, it would be interesting in a weird way to be in a world where the son of the Tsow and Nana wasn't born," he said.
"And infinitely poorer," Sin said. "Then again, no rescuing the poor kid from all manner of ills."
Tsuna shrugged uncomfortably. "If I wasn't such a nice person, I'd ensure the Tsow couldn't have kids in the first place. But, that'd mean Giotto's known line would die. And speaking of which…" He eyed his twins.
"Ah, right," Xeul said. "We need to have a chat with him."
Daemon finished off his meal, had a sip of tea, then eyed Tsuna's plate.
"Yes, yes, darling, I'm done. Let's go sit on the sofa," he said, then got up.
Hayato hopped up to handle the dishes, which was thoughtful of him, and was quickly assisted by Ken, who was generally always thoughtful—
"I heard that!" Hayato called after him.
Tsuna rolled his eyes and slumped onto the sofa, leaned back, and closed his eyes. He could feel Daemon's delicate touch a second later and just let his mind wander. He was still more than a bit pissed off that he was the Tsow's half-brother, and that he was a bastard child for the second time, straddling two countries which both looked down on them at best, and actively abused them at worst. At least the name Seta was found in both Italy and Japan (though it was not common in his country of origin), so it would not be particularly remarkable.
"It was the result of…?" Daemon said leadingly.
"Another drunken fling? Seriously?"
His brother nodded. "However, there is an upside. Sort of. You grew up in an orphanage. From what I can decipher from these memories—and let me tell you, it is not easy to interpret the memories of a baby—she was on her way to drop you off at an orphanage when an accident took her life. Her body was never identified, so your body was never tagged with the bastard label, though I wouldn't doubt they wondered."
He shrugged. "That's something, anyway. And this body's life, at least recently?"
"Currently homeless, and quite a good thief from the looks of it. I didn't see anything that would cause problems. We just need to make sure the ID you were carrying is still valid and, if not, get that fixed. Or, well, get it fixed no matter what, as you'll be changing that face."
xXx
Tsuna charmed his way into an interview at the Narino Café and was promptly set a test by the resident chef to see how good (or bad) of a cook he was. He tried to tone down whatever it was he did that made his cooking so special and desired, but only succeeded a little in making it more 'excellent cook' as opposed to 'food of the gods' if the expression on the faces of the cook and owner were anything to go by.
Those two were all smiles and secret glances and the next thing he knew he was being prodded to demonstrate his skill at desserts. Which he did, simultaneously whipping up three different things to nosh on (chocolate-banana bread muffins, cinnamon-chocolate-coffee cupcakes, and strawberry tarts), and was subsequently treated to near twittering in their excitement.
They excused themselves so they could speak in private for a moment. Tsuna nodded and set to cleaning up after himself, as well as arranging the goods on a tray—for all he knew they'd be selling the things as a test—and focused on them again once they returned.
"I think a trial period is in order," the owner said, trying hard (and failing) not to be visibly gleeful.
Tsuna shrugged. "Okay."
When asked his secret, he said muttered something about a love of cooking and the resolve to make it the best food ever.
xXx
Daniela showed up a week later to have a meal (which the cook handled, as she was a regular and spent quite a lot of money feeding herself and the coterie of guards that positioned themselves at the outside tables) and distinctly paused when she got to the dessert part of the meal.
That had been crafted by Tsuna, wearing his Heul disguise, and going by Kai Seta. Daniela inhaled delicately, then took a careful bite, her eyes lighting up in pleasure and surprise. The owner and cook were spying from the kitchen, judging her reaction and nodding to themselves.
The next time she arrived Tsuna was the one to handle her party's meals. Daniela was delighted by the food if her expression was anything to go by. She had, as with the last time, used her flames to check for poisons and the like, but it was so discreetly done that likely no one but him noticed it.
It took a month of visits before Daniela stated making noises about meeting this new cook they were trialling, and when Tsuna strolled out, looking innocent and confused, her eyes sharpened slightly. She could clearly tell he was so much more than his façade. "Have a seat, young man," she said pleasantly, waving an elegant hand at a chair.
He took one and slid into a serene smile. "Thank you."
She stared at him, her expression gentle and yet hungry. "I must commend you for your cooking skills…"
"Kai Seta," he supplied obligingly.
She smiled. "I have an offer for you," she said conversationally, like she wasn't the retired Dona of the bloodiest, most powerful famiglia in the world.
His brow went up marginally, expressing a cautious interest. "I am on a trial-run basis here and do not know if I will be retained, so I admit to being curious as to this offer."
She gave him a look that, while subtle, said she knew he was intentionally downplaying his abilities. "I run a boarding school nearby," she said, "and after tasting your cooking, would like to extend an offer for you to become our head chef."
"Boarding school?" he said quietly. "Um… Er, what kind of… How many students and what kind of perquisites? I mean, would I be maintaining my own residence or…? Um…"
She smiled again, like she thought she had him, not getting the part where she was being reeled in. "Staff have the option to live in-house, as it were, and as head chef you would have a suite, not just a bedroom. From what I have experienced, it is stressful running a kitchen for a boarding school and you would want a bit more in the way of living accommodations. As for the students, there are roughly two hundred. It is an elite school, so we can afford to be choosy."
'And afford to jack up the price accordingly,' he thought, and wondered when she was going to spring the mafia bit on him. Not in a public café, he assumed. Then again, if he was "just a cook", he might never be overtly made aware, assuming some kid didn't splash flames around in a fit of pique.
"How about we set an appointment for you to tour the school's kitchen, the apartment, and discuss details?" she suggested.
He nodded agreeably. "Um…"
"Would Saturday be agreeable? Perhaps two o'clock? By then lunch would be over and things a bit less harried." She retrieved a business card and slid it across the table to him.
A glance showed the address, which placed the school right where Sin had mentioned, off the Ticino River. It was named accordingly, Ticino Academy, but it had always been known just as Mafia School. The locals had a tendency to look westward, curiously, jealously in the case of the younger people, and wonder just what such obviously wealthy people were doing over there that they required so much room and the cover of all those trees, for a school, not to mention the river offshoots providing a form of defense.
"Two o'clock sounds fine," he said, still not bringing up that she had never mentioned her name, nor provided proof that she ran the place. He was, after all, just an innocent, clueless, civilian cook, who wouldn't know flames if you smacked him with some. "Um…"
"I will ensure the gate personnel are aware you will be visiting," she said, answering the unspoken question.
The serene smile slid back onto his face as he nodded. She could take that to mean he used it as a response to anxiety or whatever if she pleased—how adorable and all that this clearly part-Asian man was playing to stereotypes, and other such examples of attempted mind-fuckery.
After she left, gracefully collecting her coterie of guards along the way, the owner and cook looked torn between pleasure and annoyance. Tsuna's cooking had seen an upsurge in patronage by the locals, and if he took the offer they would settle back to the old numbers. On the other hand, it counted as something of a coup for them in their minds, having "discovered" this amazing cook.
xXx
Tsuna trundled on up to the formidable (to anyone not Samsara, maybe) gates that were the only legitimate entrance to the academy grounds and stopped next to the gatehouse, where a handful of guards lounged.
One hopped up and gave him a once-over, compared him to a photograph Daniela had clearly gotten one of her people to take on the sly, and asked for his ID. Tsuna handed it over, listened to the men hum and watched them scrutinize the thing, then accepted it back.
"Just follow the road," the guard said. "You'll be met at the front doors."
Tsuna nodded, tucked his ID away, and trundled off. It was a nice walk, all told. Mature trees lined the drive in a somewhat too-orderly fashion, but they provided shade from the scorching sun. They were mature enough to overlap each other, so the road was more like a tunnel of cool, shady greenery. There were even little spots along the way with wooden benches, solar lights, and discreet trash bins.
Daniela met him at the doors to the imposing structure. He already knew from a fly-by with a window that the building was a hollow square, with the dining hall (and kitchen) in the middle of the central courtyard. Classrooms were on the ground floor (and underground plus behind the building in the case of athletic, weapon, and flame-training fields), and upper floors were mostly dedicated to living space, with rooms for staff and students alike.
Daniela took him on a tour, pointing things out along the way, and showing him the suite which would be his should he accept the job, then took him down to the kitchen, where the staff was mostly in clean-up mode prior to gearing up for dinner service.
Tsuna's interest sharpened as he watched the quiet efficiency, but it was not until they had exited and were seated in her office that he said, "What about the existing head chef?"
"Ah, Alberto has some family issues and needs to leave us," she said vaguely.
Tsuna only knew that family meant famiglia, and he was being recalled for some bullshit reason like cranking out babies for the bloodline or some such. Not his business, except the part where he was out and Tsuna was in. That his Mists probably had everything to do with Alberto being recalled was a minor detail.
He nodded understandingly, in that "I'm a clueless civilian" way and said, "Um… From what I've seen I think I'd enjoy it here."
If she had done her homework—or had her people do it—she would already know that Kaiyo Seta was only just pulling himself up from homelessness and making a life for himself, so an offer like hers had to be incredibly appealing.
Salary was mentioned—he affected to react with poorly concealed pleasure at the amount, trying to play it cool and not quite managing it—and said that sounded agreeable. By the time the meeting was over he had signed a contract (after ensuring there was an out if he chose to bail), and was given a key to that suite.
"You officially start the Monday after next, Signore Seta," she said, smiling when he mumbled that "Kai" was fine, "but you can move in any time prior to that. I'll update the gatehouse and, if you have a vehicle, they'll take down the relevant information when you next arrive."
He nodded and allowed himself to be escorted to the front doors, farewelled her, and trundled back to his (ostensible) shithole of a home.
Everyone looked quite pleased when he entered storage and slumped into a seat. "Playing poor, confused civilian for a sharp lady like Daniela is tiring," he complained. "Hopefully she'll just be pleased with the upgrade in food and mostly leave me alone. Though how I'm going to finagle Sin into a job there…"
"Or anyone else, for that matter," Sin said.
Mukuro scoffed. "We give it enough time, then one of the kitchen staff is given motivation to leave, giving Heul the opportunity to suggest Sin, or Sin applies out of the blue, sending his application directly to Heul, who shares it with Daniela."
"Even if you're the only one hired there," Xeul said, "we can live in storage and hang out in your room, too. No one has to know we're there. Tsuna alone is probably enough to get Xanxus at least mildly interested in the cook, which leads to therapy of a sort."
Tsuna rolled his eyes; he did that too often, he realized, but sometimes it was the only response. "One of you could get a delivery job," he suggested. "They must get their supplies from somewhere, and not necessarily from a Vongola or Alliance supply depot."
"That would mean maintaining a residence in town, but it's not a bad idea," Hayato said.
"We'll check into it," Mukuro said on behalf of his Mists.
xXx
Tsuna was having a grand time as head chef and charming his underlings as they went about their jobs, not to mention teaching them when they had the time to spare. He had taken to holding informal classes after the dinner service for anyone who was interested in improving their techniques, deepening their understanding, or just for fun.
In theory that could include students as well, though anyone who could afford to have their child educated at Mafia School could also afford servants, and would be unlikely to even think of educating their child(ren) in what Tsuna considered basic life skills.
However, Tsuna could make a case for someone like Xanxus, that suspicious, wary child, to wish to learn, if only to ensure his food wasn't being poisoned. He didn't know if Xanxus had learned, at any point, how to test his food the way Tsuna could. The cooks for the Varia were well-vetted and probably quite intimidated, and any behavior that suggested they were likely to poison anyone would be visible and easily noticed, unless they had nerves of steel and had managed to hide too much from an investigation into them.
Tsuna only got in so easily because he had been so damn young at the time and went after rapists and the like, things absolutely not approved of by Vongola and the alliance. Well, that and he was a Misty Cloud in full control of his flames. Someone that young and mentally stable (ostensibly), with command of their flames, would have been counting coup, against allies and enemies alike, to obtain the services of.
Daniela had not (nor anyone else) clued him in to the school being mafia, and he expected they never would unless he saw something that could not be ignored. He had noticed discreet Mist barriers in various places, but rather than keying in people allowed through them, they were keyed against specific people—namely, those not in the know, from what he could tell.
They wouldn't stop him, but he acted as though he could not see or sense them and never once gave notice that he even realized there were doors there to be confused about. He supposed that if he himself ever showed unmistakable evidence of being active he might be whisked off to be taught (and probably pitched the idea of joining Vongola).
As it was, Samsara had gone over every inch of the school, profiled all the students and staff (partly so they knew who could be manipulated into leaving, thus opening a staff slot for one of them), and set up their own protections. Tsuna's suite was a veritable fortress all on its own with the protections they had erected, and the best part was that no outsider would even notice them or recognize them for what they were.
xXx
"Teo-jiji has acquired a new son," Xeul reported, smirking dangerously. "And, has decided, in his infinite wisdom, to send him here."
Tsuna returned the smirk with one of his own. He squashed the urge to steeple his fingers and let out an ominous chuckle, mostly because he had no evil intentions and had no idea if he would succeed in getting past the thorny barrier of the brat's personality.
"The kid is scheduled to arrive here next week," Xeul continued. "A look into the rolls has him in a room by himself. Didn't think it was important whether it was Daniela or Teo-jiji who arranged that, but we can check if you want."
He shook his head. "Something to do only if it becomes suddenly relevant. However, if the child should develop a habit of seeking out late night snacks and keep running into sweet, harmless me…"
Half the room snorted.
They had put those recyclers and fabricators to good use, along with any number of blueprints Verde had whipped up. A proper house stood proudly in Tsuna's storage, lavish in the space it occupied, with bedrooms for everyone, a chef's wet dream of a kitchen, a game room, a warehouse for all the things Tsuna kept acquiring, and so forth.
Ken had wanted a mud wrestling pit for some insane reason, but had been firmly shot down. In response, he had buried a huge chunk of "outside" space in top quality soil and enclosed it with beams, then started a garden. Considering that most of the worlds they had visited had advanced to the point of being able to simulate sunlight, it wasn't that big of a deal. Add some insectaries, a water source, a flower bed, and a host of beneficial bugs, and things were set up decently.
Tsuna had taken one look at the setup and started scribing a rune border to keep those insects contained. He did not need ants marching into the house in search of anything they deemed food. It was beside the point that the majority of their supplies were in the pantry trunk and the ones in the house were sealed up tighter than a miser's purse, mostly to keep anything from interfering with the stasis charms.
"What?" he said innocently. "I'm just a clueless civilian, ne?"
xXx
The first time he "met" Xanxus was while he was busy baking a cheesecake. His crew had already left for the evening, so he had the place to himself. Muffins he had done earlier were on the counter in case he felt peckish while working.
The dark-haired, red-eyed hellion crept into the kitchen as if on a mission. Given that the child had grown up in the bad part of town and was probably accustomed to scrounging for food, or stealing it, his entry was not out of character.
"Hey," he said. "If you're looking for a snack, there are some muffins."
Xanxus gave him a suspicious glare.
"What? You think you're the first child to come creeping in here at night looking to score food? I often bake things after my crew has left, so I keep things handy to snack on, as well as for anyone who wanders in." He gestured at the muffins, then turned back to the oven so he could reduce the temperature for the third part of the bake.
Xanxus quietly padded over, keeping a cautious eye on him, and grabbed two of the muffins.
"You're welcome to stay here to eat them if you want," he said, "and you can take a couple more if you're that hungry. Otherwise, have a good night."
"…What are you making now?" Xanxus asked, peeling the liner off one of his muffins.
"Cheesecake, though it's not an Italian-style one. I'm quite fond of New York-style cheesecakes. Without a crust, of course. Those are for pansies. I'm also fond of Japanese-style cheesecakes, but that's more a cultural thing."
Xanxus took a better look at him. "…Cultural thing?"
"I am half Japanese and it's not as if I've never lived there," he replied. "There's a whole world of food out there to explore and enjoy. Well, assuming you can speak the language well enough to not get shafted or tricked by someone who thinks it's amusing to fuck with the foreigner."
Xanxus blinked at (presumably) hearing a civvie adult swear like that in front of a child.
"It's not just food, of course. It's ideas, too, new ways of thinking, of looking at problems, new ways to approach issues. And even that applies to food. You have to make adjustments if you plan to cook up in the mountains, just like you have to make adjustments if the environment is too humid or too dry.
"Cultural things also include knowing something about how a society acts or reacts, what their customs are, and what's going to piss them off and make them think a person is disrespectful. You have to know the rules before you can tell what you're safe in ignoring or mocking."
"…This, coming from a cook?" Xanxus muttered, peeling the liner off his second muffin.
"Cooks and barkeeps get to meet all kinds of people, kid. Some people out there treat the people who feed them as dirt, and then are surprised when their food isn't quite as good as they're expecting, or the crew has tragically run out of whatever it was they were most hoping for. Accidents do happen, you know."
"So you're a passive-aggressive fuck?"
"At times, yes," he said easily. "Not that much different from going to see a doctor, giving the nurse a hard time, and then she gives you a hard time by jabbing those needles in a bit too hard, or missing the vein repeatedly, or any number of things they can do to make their displeasure known without giving cause to be fired. Cooking or people, it's all the same to me. You have to understand what the rules are before you know how you can fuck with them."
He turned off the oven for the last phase, then grabbed two muffins and took a seat.
"Interesting life advice," a female voice said.
"Hey, boss," he said. "Did you come for muffins? Because we've almost eaten them all."
Daniela smiled and grabbed two for herself, though she also grabbed a small plate to rest them on before taking a seat. She daintily peeled off a liner and took a bite, then hummed in pleasure. "Just how is it you're such a good cook, Kai?"
"You mean because of my background, right?" he said baldly.
"Yes," she said. "I imagine it was difficult for you to gain such skill under those circumstances."
He chuckled. "I knew you had to have run a background check on me back then. A classy lady like you wouldn't miss a trick."
She smiled again.
"As for how? That's easy—to me, at least. I simply imagine all the love I feel for my family and pour it into the food. Just because I'm not always cooking for them doesn't mean I wouldn't do my best. That'd be an insult to the profession."
"…Background?"
Tsuna looked at the boy. "I'm a damn good thief, kid, though I always targeted people who were on the wrong side of the moral horizon. No point in going after decent people just trying to live their lives, or people who can't afford to lose what little they have. That shit just ain't right."
"A modern day Robin Hood?" Xanxus asked derisively, proving that the kid had found some solace in books along the way.
Tsuna scoffed. "Fuck no. I know what it's like to be at the bottom, and how others like it are. Most of them would smack you silly at the thought of charity. If they wanted that they could go to food banks or talk to a priest. Admittedly, I did get lucky that that café was looking for a potential replacement, which led me to here. If I was going to hand out charity I'd work at a soup kitchen in my off time."
"And your family did the same?"
"Of course. I mean, they aren't blood family or nothing, but that don't mean shit half the time. The triplets are mean sons of bitches, and the others aren't far behind."
"And what do they do?" Daniela asked, as if they weren't discussing a family of criminals.
"This and that. The triplets are very persuasive, for one. They could probably sell ice cubes to Eskimos, as the saying goes. Hayato is a very good accountant and tends to make a ton of cash come tax time from people who are both bad with forms and afraid of maths. Ken is very good with animals, and gardening, surprisingly. It took a while to get on our feet once we ended up here, but whatever. I think Sen got a job as a delivery guy, though Kami knows why. He's almost as good of a cook as I am."
"Oh?" Daniela prompted.
He nodded. "We ran a pop-up stand in Japan to make the money to leave the country." And hadn't that taken some time to get all the fake backgrounds into place. "You would not believe how unhinged prim and proper Japanese fangirls can get," he said with a shudder of faked remembrance. "I want your cream buns, Kai-sama~!" he said in a falsetto voice.
Xanxus snickered, which was decidedly odd to hear.
"Yeah, you think it's funny now, kid, but just wait 'til you get older and have fangirls after you for your looks. I can already tell you're going to grow up to be a heartbreaker. You won't be laughing then, you'll be beating them off with a stick and getting whatever family you gather around you to help."
Daniela chortled quietly and finished off the last of her muffins. "Well, that's enough for one night, I suppose. I do hope I'll be getting some of that cheesecake tomorrow?"
He nodded. "It's for the upper staff for dinner, though even at that size, no one will be getting a very big piece of it."
"I look forward to it. Good evening, you two," she said, then glided on out.
Tsuna assumed she had both assuaged her curiosity and made certain her head chef wasn't going to do anything rude to her adopted grandson.
"Thief, huh?"
"Yeah," he said soberly. "I've spent more than a few years on the streets." Never mind that it had been a different life entirely. "Some people never pull on their big girl panties and do something, and instead end up dead in a ditch somewhere, or frozen. Seen that before, wasn't pretty, like an ice sculpture from hell." The kid didn't need to know he was referencing a scene from a movie.
Xanxus grunted and got up to toss his liners in the bin. "Later," he said as he exited the kitchen.
Tsuna's mouth quirked up at the corner. He had another forty five minutes to go before he could take the cheesecake out, but he had made a good start at getting through to the kid.
xXx
Xanxus showed up a few nights later looking for more food, so Tsuna obligingly pointed at the lemon tarts he had made as a snack.
"What're you making this time?" the kid asked, settling in with a small plate of lemony goodness.
"Chocolate cake for tomorrow's dinner," he said, idly watching the stand mixers beat the everloving fuck out of the buttercream frosting in the making.
"Why so early?"
"Because the icing needs time to cure. The vanilla in it tastes too raw when it's freshly made, so I let it sit for at least four hours, if not overnight before using it. The cake itself is impossibly moist due to the way it's made, so serving it tomorrow evening won't be an issue."
"So why a cook?"
"Because I'm good at it," he said. "Because it allows me a way to show my family I love them without being overly mushy about it."
"The family that ain't blood," Xanxus said accusingly.
Tsuna sighed and shot the kid a look. "Blood ain't all it's cracked up to be, kid. Sometimes the family you choose, and who chooses you back, is the only family that counts, or counts the most. Chosen family doesn't stab you in the back, they watch it for you, just like you watch theirs. 'I got your six' means more than just some line in a military drama.
"Chosen family knows what your thoughts are before you even open your mouth, and you know theirs. But that takes a fuckton of trust and belief. I don't much care for maths, but Hayato has my back, as does Sen. Half of 'em can't cook to save their lives, but I can and so can Sen. Ken gardens, to help provide us with fresh vegetables. We're a team and a family, and we'll fuck up anyone who tries to mess with us."
Xanxus grunted; Tsuna couldn't help but think of the Uchiha. Still, the kid was in the "why" phase of life, which wasn't a bad thing. The more questions he asked, the more Tsuna could push him into obtaining a real family for himself, not whatever bullshit Teo-jiji passed off as one. And speaking of which…
Hey, you did mention pranking the everloving shit out of him.
He dropped his chin slightly. Start planning~! Tsuna could almost hear the maniacal laughter that provoked.
Xanxus shot him another suspicious look.
Tsuna grinned toothily. "Just remembering something I'd planned to do. How're the tarts?"
"These?" Xanxus looked a little confused by the change of subject. "They're okay."
Which meant "food of the gods" in Xanxus-speak, he was sure. Reasonably sure, anyway.
"I'll have to make more lemon curd," he muttered.
"So if you gotta family, how come they never come visit you?"
Tsuna blinked. "This is a boarding school with high security. I go see them."
"Is that why the food ain't as nice on the weekends?"
"Yeah, probably. I've been trying to teach my crew to have the same love for cooking, but some of them just see it as a job. For some people that's just how it is. Do the job, earn money, sleep, rinse and repeat. It just seems kind of empty to me." He reached over to turn off the stand mixers, then got out sealable plastic tubs and started transferring the icing into them.
The cakes were already on the counter, cooling. Once they had done so he'd snap the lids into place to protect them. Sheet cakes made a lot more sense in a boarding school. Sure, not everyone could get a coveted corner piece, but oh well.
"How many?"
Tsuna paused for a moment, trying to figure out how many of what the kid meant. "Family?"
Xanxus nodded.
"Ah, there's eight of us. I gained a brother at first, then his brother, then three more, then one, then the last."
"Will there be more?"
"Probably not. We've been through a lot together." An understatement if there ever was one. "What about you, kid? Made any friends here at the academy? I don't know the students all that well since I'm usually in my kitchen, but there must be some here who aren't idiots or suck ups or high on their own press."
Xanxus snorted derisively. "Suck ups, yeah. Plenty of those, all of 'em lookin' for—" He stopped, evidently remembering there were some things you didn't share with the allegedly clueless civilian cook.
"A stepping stone in the form of the more fortunate?" he said.
Xanxus nodded. "Boot lickers."
Tsuna wrinkled his nose. "Those sorts are just as likely to stab you in the back the second they get what they want, thinking if you were stupid enough to fall for their act, you'll be stupid enough to not notice the shiv aimed at or in your kidney. Paranoia as a way of life is pretty wearing, but it can also keep you alive. Well, so long as you find people you can trust with your life to help bear any burdens."
"And keep an eye on your back," Xanxus said slowly, (presumably) not entirely convinced about the merits of that strange thing called a friend—or possibly a trusted associate.
"And you on theirs. Friendship goes both ways, after all. Trust is earned, respect is earned, fear is earned. But, well, you learn a few things on the streets." He shrugged and reached for a tart after pushing the containers of icing off the side. "There was this one kid I knew. He used tonfa. An absolute demon with those things. But without them?" He scoffed.
"Got his ass kicked?"
"Oh yeah. He never bothered to work on anything else. Once he gained a reputation he skated by on it a lot, so the one time I saw someone disarm him, well… It wasn't pretty. He bounced back, though, and learned from it."
"And you?"
Tsuna laughed. "I am hopeless with weapons. I'm more likely to stick myself with a knife than I am a thug trying to shake me down for whatever money I have. Punching shit is surprisingly good stress relief, though. Let me tell you, kid, kneading dough really works on your arm muscles. Helps for other things, as necessary."
Xanxus gave him another one of those looks. "You equate practically everything to cooking, don't you?"
He smiled. "Starving can do that for you."
xXx
"So, how do we plan to troll Teo-jiji and his pack of whiny bitches?"
"It can't be anything that would bring him into disfavor during meetings with outsiders—or anyone, really, who isn't his pack of whiny bitches."
"Sad but true."
"We could try the haunt again," Daemon said, "but it honestly didn't work that well in λ15. It was amusing as hell, but… Daniella is still alive."
"There's always the stupid stuff we can do while thinking up something better," Ken said, "like painting his bedroom in an eye-searing orange. And glitter. Glitter bombs."
Tsuna wrinkled his nose, then grinned. "In theory, we could arrange for an anchored illusion in his room, such as tucked under a floorboard or up in the ceiling cavity. What are the odds of them even finding the anchor? Especially if it has a keep-away on it?"
Sin cackled. "So even trying to paint over the walls would be useless."
"Maybe the odd exploding toilet or bidet from a back-up in line pressure?" Hayato suggested.
"That'd be one hell of an enema," Ken said crudely; he was grinning viciously.
"We could use what we did that one time," Xeul said. "The barest hint of malaclaw venom, but not in their food. That'd implicate the cooks. That and we'd have to verify whether or not they regularly check their food, despite being in the relative safety of the Iron Fort."
Tsuna frowned. "Well, assuming they do check, they might not be checking properly. I mean, what if the utensils were tainted. Would a random spot check catch that? But again, that would mean the cooking staff would get raked over the coals, most likely, or the serving staff. Let's table that one for now. Too much of a risk of innocent people being blamed."
"Mists would get eyed up with the fake paint job," Sin said, "but those would be actual flame-users and subject to random loyalty checks anyway."
Mukuro scoffed. "As if. Maybe in a proper family, not one like Vongola where everyone just assumes no one would ever dare stab them in the back from the inside. But yes, let's table that one. I was hoping for inconveniences and minor embarrassments, not famiglia-wide witch hunts."
"For pranksters rather than spies or traitors, at least," Chikusa said.
"Coins," he said. "Something subtle."
His family gave him curious looks.
"One centesimo at a time. Placed in places you might expect to find them at first, so on his chair, desk, a pocket. Then odder places, like his bed, his shoe, and so forth. Then weirder. A bar of soap, his meal, and so forth. Individually it should be fine, especially at the beginning, but as time goes on I expect it to be incredibly annoying and make him a bit paranoid."
"There's an old classic," Sin said. "Move everything in his bedroom and/or office an inch to the side. People get ingrained, automatic steering, so to speak, with experience. Should be good for some knee bumping and such."
"And moving the items on the desk itself," Hayato added.
"Back to glitter bombs," Ken said. "One exploding on him along with a sign that reads something like, 'Congratulations for not screwing anything up today'. Or a Bianchi assault via love letters showing up on his desk."
"A thing of breath mints on his desk every so often, as well as his bedside table?" Chikusa said. "A subtle move on someone's part, presumably, that he needs better oral hygiene."
"Haunted artwork?" Daemon said. "Subtle shifting smoke in the corners of some pieces, then just the barest hint of a suggestion of a face, something lurking there, and see how long it takes to turn them all into paranoid wrecks."
"A stampede of lemmings through the Iron Fort?"
"Repaint all their cars in the colours of their flames?"
"Penguins with lasers on their heads?"
"I like all of it so far," he said, "except the venom. And maybe the laser penguins. So while I'm working, you guys can go wild. But not too wild, right? I mean, it should be obvious that someone is trolling him in certain ways, but not…"
"Darling, we know how to be subtle," Mukuro said smoothly. "You know this."
"Sure I do. I also know you're like a bunch of cats."
"You say that as if you're not one, too," Sin replied.
He shrugged. "Well, in case you didn't catch it, your name came up in a conversation with Daniela, so it's potentially a thing for me to get you hired on to help at the school, schatz. It might seem a bit coincidental what with you radiating sunshine all over the place though."
"What can I say? I have a very sunny personality," Sin said breezily.
He rolled his eyes at that, given the extreme similarities and differences between people like Sin, Ken, Ryohei, and Lussuria. All weirdly motherly, all dazzling in their own way, but all driven in some kind of obsession.
Sin scowled at him.
xXx
He had crusty cobs out the next time Xanxus showed up. Coincidentally (not) a dish of soft butter was also available, and he just so happened to have a variety of deli meats and cheeses in the refrigerator, just in case. Tsuna pointed at various places, but otherwise continued on his quest to create dessert for the next day's offerings.
As usual, the kid gave him a cautiously curious look as he grabbed a plate, some cobs, a knife, and the butter dish. Those went on the table before Xanxus poked his head into the indicated refrigerator. Shortly thereafter he had fashioned himself two sandwiches.
"What's all that?" Xanxus asked before biting into his snack.
"Japanese sweets for tomorrow. Daifuku, manjū, and imagawayaki. There'll be the usual general stuff for the evening meal, but I felt like a bit of home, too. And if I'm going to make some for myself, I may as well offer it to the students."
"How do you even remember all this shit?" Xanxus asked before taking another bite.
He looked over at the kid and smiled. "A good memory. That and having made things so often. It's like learning to read people, except with food." Predictably, that made Xanxus present a vaguely confused expression, but Tsuna declined to explain. Let the kid figure it out on his own, if he could. He could have said potions, but that would have made no sense at all.
Daniela breezed in, took one look at his workspace, and let out a quietly happy sigh. Then she moved to fix herself a snack and take a seat at the table. "You spoil us, Kai."
He looked up from his island counter and smiled. "You think so?"
"What are the odds of some Japanese dishes for main meals?"
His brow went up. "Do we even have any foreign students?"
Daniela nodded. "Some, not many. Definitely none from Japan. You wonder why I ask."
"Of course, boss. I know you love my cooking, but… Are you trying to widen the cultural food experience for the students? Or do you just have a certain fondness for Japanese cuisine?"
She wiggled her free hand. "I've been all over the world, tried a lot of different foods."
He laughed. "Gonna have a hankering for African soon, are we? If so, I don't know a thing about that sort of cooking. I can do a variety of Mexican, though some of that is better left for a build-your-own meal type of setting. You know, something like a taco spread or taco salad deal, where the kids could choose what to add to theirs from the offerings."
Daniela's brow went up. "Maybe on a weekend, for lunch."
He nodded. He found it interesting that Xanxus most likely knew exactly who Daniela was to him, and never once intimated any knowledge of it—at least not around him. Tsuna wouldn't be surprised if the kid never said anything around the other students, either.
As a street rat he would not want to trade on her name for his own benefit, not if he could prove he was worth it on his own, without being beholden to someone else vouching for him. Things like that—favors—usually came with strings attached, and strings were not always beneficial. Depending on someone else meant your independence was in question, and subject to someone else's whims.
"Oh, that reminds me," he said, eyeing Daniela. "Alonzo mentioned that he's probably going to have to step down. Has he let you know yet?"
She nodded. "Family issues," she said. "Why don't we arrange to see if your friend would suit? You did say he was almost as good a cook as you are."
"Um, sure. Maybe Saturday, two o'clock? Or the evening, whichever. That way he could do his thing without worrying about the dinner service. Anything in particular you'd like him to make as proof of his skill?"
Daniela shook her head. "One main dish with at least one side, requiring moderate skill, and one dessert. That should give me enough to judge by. After all, I first became interested in you after that one dessert."
"Sounds good," he said, not mentioning that the entire conversation was beyond odd (or would be if Xanxus had not been a high-ranking Vongola) given that an eight year old boy was sitting there listening. He was doing a fine job of not drawing attention to himself, either, despite sitting in plain view and eating his sandwiches. "I'll let him know, so he has time to think up what he'll make."
His boss nodded, gave a quick smile to the kid, then headed out, taking her snack with her.
xXx
Sin drew a blank for some reason.
"Baked chicken teriyaki," he suggested. "Chicken cordon bleu. Au gratin potatoes? Almond and pear cake?"
Sin nodded. "Chicken cordon bleu is a bit more involved, and therefore a better choice. Yes to the rest."
"All right. I'll make sure we have the stuff for you to make it. Then Daniela can taste test, fall in love all over again, and you get hired. Then you can work your own type of charm on the kid."
"Not that we'll ever be admitting it," Sin said dryly. "Or that you're a Sky and a Cloud and a Mist."
"We can only hope that Daniela thinks I'm latent, and will think the same of you. Or, at least, not get any twinges. Our flames have fuck all to do with what we're trying to accomplish here."
As expected, Daniela was delighted with Sin's cooking and happily hired him on to replace Alonzo. Funny how he had to leave to deal with "family issues" at such an opportune time.
"On a side note," Daemon said, "Teo-jiji and his Whiny Bitches are going slightly insane with the pranks we've been pulling. Teo-jiji is getting quite upset at the suggestion that he needs so many breath mints, for one."
Tsuna snickered. "Keep up the good work, my beloved family."
xXx
The next time Xanxus showed up Tsuna and Sin were doing the dance of cooking in preparation for the next day's meals. Desserts, of course. They were each working on three at a time, with plenty of crossover. To anyone on the outside it might truly look like a dance with intricate steps, without the necessity of words.
Xanxus snatched up a handful of muffins (chocolate banana) and took a seat, then watched as the two of them worked.
If nothing else, Daniela getting to taste their combined efforts would more than explain how a pop-up stand could net them the funds to leave Japan.
A few minutes after the kid arrived they whipped open six of the ovens and shoved their work inside to bake. Timers were set, bread and fixings were acquired, and they both took a seat.
"Yo, kid," he said as he began to swiftly slice open cobs and lather them with a honey mustard. "How's it been going? Any luck with finding people who aren't leeches or suck ups? Even a grumpy little thing like you needs a friend."
Xanxus scowled at him as Sin sliced a tomato paper thin. "Meh. There's this one kid. Name's Squalo of all things. He's got a mouth like a dock worker, but he knows his shit so far."
"Oh?" His brow went up as he absently layered tomato and cheese in and around Sin's efforts with sliced meats and lettuce. A moment later the sandwiches were done and ready to be eaten. "Well, I can't imagine swearing would upset you much. Sometimes I think people who refrain from swearing are the trickiest of all. Such sweetly poisonous words and refined manners are just another form of…" He trailed off, mostly to see what the kid would say.
"Attack," Xanxus said with a derisive snort.
It had not escaped Tsuna's eyes that the kid was taking in the lesson for the day what with the way Xanxus's eyes had tracked the two of them so intently. After a bite of his scrumptious sandwich he said, "Yeah. And that's a fine thing if the sweet talker is on your side."
"Like your triplets?"
Tsuna smirked. "This Squalo kid, well, I imagine if he's worth the investment, he'll never be a diplomat."
"Well it sure as fuck wouldn't be me," Xanxus said and peeled the liner off another muffin.
Sin snickered. "Nah, kid. You look more like the aggressive negotiations type. Go do some of that with this Squalo kid, then, see if he can stand up to it, see if he's got a backbone or if he's all bark, no bite." He got up briefly to pour two glasses of wine, then returned to the table, setting one by Tsuna.
He had a sip and hummed in appreciation. It was a sweet red, with the flavor of berries mingled with the usual. It wasn't quite the thing with sandwiches, but who was he to turn down the occasional glass of something pleasant? His original father he was not.
"The others wanted me to pass on that they'd like one of your apple pies this weekend, tesoro."
He nodded. "Shoot them a message to pick up some fuji apples, then. I know we already have the other stuff I'd need in storage."
"Yes, I'll help."
"Of course you will, schatz," he said, bumping his lover's shoulder before taking another bite of his sandwich.
Xanxus gave them a sharp look for that, but declined to comment.
"Anyone else besides the shark?" he asked, forcefully repressing his memory of an actual death by shark.
"Yeah, a really fucked up dude. A year older. Has this weird thing for crazy hair colours."
Tsuna's brow went up. He had not realized that Lussuria was at Mafia School. Then again, he might not recognize him as a child. It did make him wonder if he should include some Thai food in the menu given that he knew Luss practically adored Thai everything.
xXx
Naturally, when the end came, it was almost a complete surprise to Tsuna. The usual screaming potent of doom hitched down his spine too late, and he resigned himself to dying (again) and waking up gods knew where.
No one could have predicted that a meteor shower passing over Italy would include a micro-meteorite, or that it would slam right through Tsuna's skull like one of Sin's bullets. That it happened in full sight of a good part of the school—well, at least it gave the little blighters some early experience with death.
— fin —