Marriage Planning

Regular Thursday evenings were movie nights. They were currently watching that zombie movie with Will Smith. Penn had forgotten its name but he wouldn't ask for it because there was no chance to get a short answer with Shelly sitting next to him.

It was hard to believe but the four scientists had haggled all week over which movie to watch. Penn's input on the process had been his demand to watch the movie with the director's commentary turned off.

Shelly was just through with explaining – unasked naturally – how the vehicle used as a counterweight in one scene was way too heavy to make the trap plausible when Penn had a weird thought.

He looked to his left where the only female member of the group sat. He stared at her profile in the semi-dark of the living room. Thoughtfully, he said, "Shelly, you plan everything in detail and in advance."

When Shelly interrupted him Penn realized that he had spoken too slowly. "Only careful planning and consideration of all facts allows one to achieve the optimal outcome in one's ventures."

"You still bought a Microsoft Zune." Leonard quipped which made Howard and Raj chuckle with barely suppressed laughter.

Before Shelly could launch into a lengthy explanation how she had happened to make that decision, Penn butted in, "You've made me sign safety and back-up plans for all kinds of natural catastrophes, potential wars - including an invasion of California from the midwest - and even different scenarios of zombie-apocalypses." He gestured at the TV.

"Please be aware of medical emergencies," Shelly added, "And also alien invasions."

Penn assured her, "Yes, I'm especially aware of those."

"Very good," Shelly nodded excitedly at the screen. "Watch there is the famous advertising panel with the Batman and Superman crossover! I have it on good authority that this shot in the movie was essential for..."

"Batman v Superman was an awful movie!" Howard interrupted Shelly's lecture indignantly.

The engineer and the physicist argued for more than ten minutes before Leonard put an end to it.

It was only when another frame focused on Will Smith's supposed movie family that Penn remembered how he had meant to ask Shelly about a very specific issue. "About what I said before, with all your scenarios and plans taking care of all these unlikely possibilities I have one question. Have you ever considered marrying and or having children?"

Shelly glanced at him in that cool dispatched way of hers. "I owe it to humanity to pass on my genius to the next generation. That said I consider marriage a precondition over having children."

Sometimes, it was really hard for Penn to understand his female neighbor. How she could be so off-handed about something this important was a mystery to him.

Leonard stared dumbly as well.

Raj furiously whispered something into Howard's ear who nodded mutely.

"Raj would like to know if you're planning on abducting someone for that purpose? I mean, should we send a word of warning to Leonard Nimoy?"

Shelly huffed in annoyance.

Considering the glare, the selectively mute Raj was giving Howard that was not what he had asked at all.

And that was how Howard killed one of the most important conversations they ever had with a dumb joke.

Penn felt like punching him when Shelly started an annoyed tirade which lasted for the rest of the movie.

Realizing his mistake, Penn brought the topic up the very next time he was alone with Shelly which so happened to be two days later – laundry night on Saturday. "So, about yesterday. How is this marriage stuff going to happen according to your plan?"

"This is not the time for idle conversation. This time slot is reserved for doing laundry," Shelly informed him while diligently measuring the amount of detergent she was about to use on her t-shirts.

Penn deftly stuffed his clothes into one machine.

"You're overloading the machine. This will result in a sub-par cleaning of your garments," Shelly squeaked.

"This is my-"

"I'm not going to answer any questions if you don't split that load onto two machines!"

Penn groaned but did what had been asked of him.

Once all machines were doing what they were meant to, he tried again, "So tell me about your super-detailed plan for marriage."

And like it was not the most intimate information they had ever shared the theoretical physicist told him every detail. Penn had never heard someone talk that detached and impersonal about getting to know someone, moving in, marrying, and having children.

He felt like he should point out quite several things but instead, he kept his mouth shut and listened. "How will you find this person who will become your husband? Or did you already manage that feat and just never thought it was worth mentioning?"

Shelly looked coolly at him. "He'll be a scientist. Therefore I'll meet him at work. Which is where sixteen percent of people meet their future spouses." After barely a moment she added, "Or at a conference." Another short pause. "A medical doctor would also be acceptable."

"So by including conferences and doctors, you raise your chances to twenty percent?"

"That's not how that works. The statistics merely tell us-"

Before his neighbor could launch one of her feared monologues Penn asked, "So have you already met him?"

Shelly scowled at him for interrupting her. "No, I have not."

"And when are you planning to get married?"

"In two years and three months."

Penn was wise enough to not ask how old she would be. "So, I guess you also have a list of must-have attributes for your future spouse beyond him being a scientist?"

"Naturally. Do you want me to mail you a PDF detailing the requirements?"

Penn knew he shouldn't get involved in this but once more curiosity got the better of him. "Sure." They still had a lot of time before the washing machines would finish therefore he asked, "How many men met your demands so far?"

"Why is that of importance to you?"

"Since when are we allowed to reply to one question with another?"

Shelly glared at him for using her own argument against her. "None were adequate so far."

"You know what? I'm growing more curious about the list by the minute," Penn told her cheekily.

"I'll send you the copy as soon as I return to my apartment."

Penn nodded absentmindedly. "At the risk of spoiling the surprise for me, will the list describe a male version of yourself?"

Shelly considered the question before she answered, "Crudely spoken, yes."

Given Shelly's usual ignorance in most matters of social interaction, it was probably superfluous for Penn to level his voice to not give his opinion away when he asked, "And do you think that is a good combination?"

"It's the perfect combination. How could there be any better? Let's assume I would find a person who meets all requirements instead of the ninety-five percent I'm aiming for – or as you labeled it a male version of myself. If I was to engage a relationship with a person who shared all of my opinions and knowledge then we would never have a reason to disagree. Consequently, we would never waste precious time with idle discussions. Free from social conflict, we could concentrate our attention on more productive endeavors."

"And you'd also have no way to get anywhere because neither of you will own or be able to drive a car."

"The majority of people have a driver's license. It is highly unlikely that my future spouse would have none."

Their discussion ended with that line as Shelly refused to talk to him while she folded her clothes.