Chapter EIGHTEEN

how to apologize - dear god is this even necessary

-write a letter, bc that's apparently what ppl expect
-or can i email him this is the 21st century
-write, print, memorize speech

this is so dumb, god i'm so dumb

"So then he - huff - rolled his eyes and then - huff, huff - asked me if that's all I had - huff - to say - huff - and then he just - shit! I can't do this."

Coming to a stop, I lean over with my palms rested against my knees, trying to catch my breath. I knew I should've eased my way back into conditioning after a week-long absence.

"C'mon, Kairi, you need to reach the finish line in ten seconds!" Sora's voice comes from up front, but with my head down, I can't tell exactly how far ahead he is.

Finally, when a shadow looms over me, I lift my head and realize Sora's right in front of me. "Why are you trying to multitask?" he says.

"What?"

"You can tell me your story later - shouldn't you be sprinting now?"

I cross my arms. "Oh-kay, Captain Serious. No need to tell me how to run my own drills."

"That's not what I - okay, fine. So what'd Tidus do after that?"

"No, let's finish this," I insist, running off and leaving Sora in my dust. The rage - no, that's an overstatement...the frustration bubbling in my stomach drives me to continue running even though I'm thoroughly exhausted now. Wordlessly, Sora catches up soon enough, and we finish the rest of our workout in a timely manner.

As we do our cooldown stretches, I continuously glance at Sora's direction, wondering when he'll bring up the subject again. To my further frustration, he doesn't, and I've never been the patient type so I break the silence.

"So Tidus started saying he doesn't think I actually feel sorry - but what does he mean? Why would he think that? Doesn't he know it's hard for me to - to actually apologize? Like, in the entire time we've known each other, how many times have I apologized to you? Only a few times, right?"

"Like, never."

"Right? Like - wait, what? Dude, I just apologized to you for the whole getting mad about Tidus thing last week."

"...okay sure, but not actually."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Sora pauses, drawing a deep breath before looking at me. "Look, just - do you remember what you said to Tidus? Like word for word?"

I stare at him for awhile but go along with the subject change, trying to recall what exactly I told Tidus.

"I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something along the lines of, 'I'm sorry for getting mad about you and Selphie. That was dumb, and can we move on?'"

"Huh, okay…"

After an extended pause, I get fed up with waiting for Sora's response. "So?"

"...so what?"

I roll my eyes and lay my hands out in front of me. "So, what do you think? I mean, I literally told Selphie the exact same thing and she was totally okay with it. Why'd Tidus take things the wrong way?"

Sora pauses for a moment, as if trying to gauge the situation. But what is there for him to gauge? He's a third party I'm just consulting for opinions. Just like last time, when I told him about Tidus and - oh.

"Hey, if you think I screwed up, tell me. I won't take it personally," I assure him.

He gives me a look. "You took it personally last time."

"Okay, I won't take it personally this time. And you were technically right last time, and now I've learned. C'mon, Sora. I need help."

"Okay...this is just my view of things, okay? I mean, I could be wrong, so don't just take my words at face value - "

"Sora."

" - okay, disclaimer over. So, I'm not super friendly with your cousin, but we've played soccer together for a few years, and you tend to pick up on things about your teammates."

"Okay, sure, so whatcha got?"

"So, judging by your apology...was that all you said? Just that one line?"

"Yeah. Why does everyone make it sound like I should've written him a letter or something? I swear, it's not like I ran over his cat."

"Okay, no, I can see where you were going with that. Cause Tidus comes off as a chill, easygoing type of guy, so you wanted to keep your apology brief, right?"

"Yeah! That's exactly my point! Who knows why Tidus took it the wrong way and thought I was being insincere...look, if all I have to do is think of a longer apology, I can do that. Is that it?"

"No - well, not exactly. Look, Tidus is really clear about things that do and don't matter to him. Like, for example, when we're playing another team, Tidus can't care less about wins or losses. That's why at the end of a game, we celebrate either way. From what I know, not a lot of things really matter to Tidus."

"You're right about that," I add in.

"Except the things that do matter to him." Sora pauses, looking at me again. "What does Tidus actually care about?"

"...you're asking me?"

"Yeah. You're his cousin, so you should have an idea."

I pause, seriously considering his question. "I mean, yeah, well...he cares about soccer. Not wins or losses like you said, but in his own way, he does care about everyone on the team. Except you."

"Exactly, everyone - you're right, everyone except me." Sora chuckles. "I swear, he needs to stop telling me what to do all the time. I can play midfield just fine - "

"Okay, soccer aside, what's your point?" I interrupt, not needing to hear the other side of the spiel I've heard once too many from Tidus.

"Right. So, my point is...people are important to Tidus. For things that don't matter, a brief apology might be enough. But I think relationships aren't something he just wants to gloss over."

"What do you mean?"

"Just - don't try to 'move on' from the problem so quickly. If it mattered to Tidus, it should matter to you. Let him know that you realize it matters."

It takes me a moment to grasp the gist of what Sora's saying...but eventually, I think I do. "You know," I begin slowly, "...you and Selphie are really similar."

"What?"

"She told me something like that...that I have to validate his feelings or something." I make a face, thinking of Selphie's hasty explanation. "That's all? Was it that obvious to everyone except me?"

"Do you really want me to answer?"

"No, don't. I just...I feel pretty dumb right now."

"Again, I'm just giving my take on things. It's not like I really understand - "

"You're not helping."

"Okay, got it."

He gets the cue to shut up, which gives me time to dwell in my thoughts. How is it that Sora, who isn't even friends with Tidus, seems to know him better than I do? With Selphie, I can tell myself that she and Tidus probably got close after they started...dating...but with Sora, that excuse doesn't work. It's really on me now - do I not know my cousin at all?

"You look like you're thinking too hard," Sora says.

I blink, taking a moment to process his words. "What?"

"Don't overthink things. Just say what you want, like always."

Okay, fine. "How come you and Selphie know my cousin so well, but I don't? I mean, we're cousins. I've known him since birth basically."

Sora shrugs, looking away at the far distance. "Sometimes it's the people we're closest to that end up surprising us."

"What? You got something you're hiding from me?" I grin, wondering what Sora's referring to.

He smirks at me. "Are we that close with each other? I thought you hated me."

I roll my eyes. "Hate's a strong word. Let's go with strongly dislike. And hey, wasn't the feeling mutual?"

"The only reason I hated - strongly disliked you was because you strongly disliked me," Sora returned.

"What the - what does that mean?"

"You weren't nice to me, so I wasn't nice to you."

"Wow. Very sound logic, Sora, almost preschool level."

He then decides to turn the tables on me. "Well, why were you so mean to me, huh?"

"What? What makes you say that?"

"Don't think I forgot that time in 3rd grade when you said you'd rather do the group project with Mike than me."

"You almost sound jealous, Sora."

"Mike was the class pet, Kairi. A goldfish. You'd rather work with an animal that has a 9-second attention span than your classmate. I wasn't jealous - I was insulted."

"Okay...well, now you just sound petty."

"What happened to validating other people's feelings?"

"...damn. You're good at this, I give up." Checking the time, I jump to my feet. "C'mon, we're late. Finish your shower in 5 minutes."

"What? I need at least 10 minutes to - "

"If I can finish in 5 minutes, then so can you. Chop, chop."

"Yes ma'am…"

Lunchtime takes even longer to come. I'm pretty sure I've annoyed everyone in a three-seat radius with complaints about how lunch can't come sooner, especially Naminé who's seated right next to me.

"I'm starving," I announce for the nth time after the teacher dismisses us. Stuffing everything in my bag, I'm eager to go but wait on Naminé to pack her things. "The food had better be good today."

"Did you skip breakfast?" Naminé asks.

"No, I had a granola bar. Cause I started morning conditioning with Sora again, but I think my body hasn't gotten used to the increased metabolism." I sigh, resting a hand on my stomach. "And plus, I've cut my morning coffee so I'm a little more cranky. Apologies in advance."

"Oh, I didn't know that...why though? You were really dependent on your morning caffeine…"

I chuckle. "Was it that obvious? I guess that's one reason. Also it's just too expensive. Coffee every morning racks up real quick."

"Oh, I see...okay, I'm ready!" Naminé chirps, standing up to go. I follow suit very enthusiastically, rising so quickly I knock my knees against the desk. Ignoring the numbing pain in favor of the prospects of food, I focus on heading to the cafeteria as quickly as I can without getting caught running in the halls.

"But you're still coming to the Snow Ball, right?" Naminé asks. "I know you said it's expensive...but how many more high school dances will we get? We're juniors already! It's this year, and then we're seniors, and then we're graduating! We have to go!"

"I know, I know...that's why I bought tickets already." I grin, patting my backpack. "Early bird prices end today, so you should get yours too!"

"Oh, but…" Naminé trails off, chuckling, "what if someone asks?"

"Huh? Like someone asks you to Snow Ball?" I pause, just realizing the implications of her words. I mean, I thought it'd be a girl's night out sort of a thing, but I guess not if Naminé has...a date…? But, like who though? Ventus? Or - oh my god, Roxas?

"I'm just saying," Naminé says quickly, "we'll see how it goes."

"So...anyone in particular you wanna go with?" I ask curiously, brainstorming about Naminé's prospective suitors. "Let the best friend scout out your potentials."

"I'm not expecting anything," Naminé says, "but just thinking about it. You're not?" she probes. "I mean, you don't have anyone in mind?"

I snort. "Well, I'm not interest - well, first off, who would I go with? I mean, during EHK, my friends list dwindled to you, and even now, I'm not so high on everyone's favorites list. Much less on anyone's potential Snow Ball date list. I've just been apologizing to you, and Tidus and Selphie, and Sora these days. Hell, I bet Sora has more game than I do."

"What about Sora?"

"Huh?"

"Why don't you go with Sora?"

I pause, looking at Naminé. She appears nonchalant, and I can't read anything between the lines. So I go with my gut feeling.

"...what?" I exclaim. "Where'd you get that from?" I chuckle, hoping that conveys my incredulity.

"I mean, you guys do hang out a lot these days. And you keep on bringing him up." Naminé's sly smirk grows even wider. "Are you sure you don't like him?"

I pause, still looking at Naminé. I don't like this silence stretching on. So finally, I burst out into laughter and slam my hand on Naminé's back.

"Wow, Naminé! I didn't know you could be so creative outside of art class." Naminé's confused stare prompts me to explain. "I mean, it's Sora. Me and Sora - we don't - just cause we hang out more now doesn't mean I like him. It just happened that - okay, so we don't hate each other anymore, which is good I guess. But that's a big step from liking him." I look Naminé in the eye. "You know what I mean?"

Naminé hesitates for a moment, her face remaining impassive, which frightens me a little. Am I that bad at reading people, or is Naminé just that good at hiding her emotions?

"Okay! Well, you guys could go as friends!" Naminé finally takes a step back, both literally and figuratively, as we continue walking towards the cafeteria.

"But why would I - " I snicker, mulling the thought over in my head. "Why would we go as friends when we're not interested in each other like that?"

"That's what it means to go as friends! To just have a good time together," Naminé reasons.

"Well, I can still have a good time going by myself."

"...okay, Kairi. You know I'm always rooting for you." She smiles. "If you ever have anything you wanna tell me…"

"I know, I know." I quickly take the chance to refocus the conversation on her. "So, back to you. Who's the lucky guy? Do I know him? Is he in our grade?"

"Kairi!"

"Like you said, if you have anything you wanna tell me…!"

"Maybe in a few weeks."

I pause, quickly doing the math in my head.

"But...the Snow Ball's in a few weeks…"

Knowing how to psych myself up is an important part of game prep. That explains why I'm sitting in my car, parked in the school parking lot, blasting music as loud as the speakers can go.

"Okay, okay, I got this," I mumble under my breath like any sane person talking to themselves. My foot thumps on the floor in sync with the beat, and I'm getting myself pumped with this buildup.

Suddenly, my phone buzzes. Hurriedly, I turn off the car audio and check caller ID, gaping at Tidus' flashing name. Even though this is all expected, I still can't help the creeping sensation rising at the back of my throat.

After clearing my throat a few times, I pick up.

"H - hello?"

"..."

The silence is not expected. It bothers me more than it should. "Hello, Tidus?" I speak into the phone a little louder.

"...why'd you text me?"

"Cause - err, I wanted to meet," I say, my nerves starting to act up again.

"Kairi, we literally just talked yesterday. I don't think - "

"C'mon, Tidus, I know what I wanna say. Just let me say it."

"Kairi - "

"Tidus. This is important, to me. Please."

"...okay, okay. I just finished practice, I'll be out in 15 minutes."

"Okay, I'll see you at the school gate," I chirp, promptly hanging up. Checking the time, I realize they're getting out of practice early today. Dimly wondering about the cause distracts me from my nerves long enough till a text from Tidus asks where I am.

Shit. I've always sucked at time management.

Grabbing my stuff and almost forgetting to lock my car, I dash towards the gate where I find Tidus waiting.

Well. Strike one against me already for being late to a meeting I asked for.

He puts away his phone and turns towards me as I walk towards him. Drawing a deep breath, I try to remember my lines like this is all a huge act. Like this is just a part I have to play.

Except...it isn't.

"Shit," I mumble.

Tidus' eyes widen and then he snorts. "Well. Can't say I didn't expect that to come up eventually."

"Shit, shit." I sigh exasperatedly. "I prepared a speech and all...but that kinda goes against the point, doesn't it?"

Tidus looks at me with a cocked brow, so I take the cue and continue.

"What do you think?" Pulling a folded piece of paper out of my back pocket, I show him my masterpiece. "A whole page, typed double-spaced of course, of what I was gonna say. But that's not really what you wanna hear, is it?"

"What do you want me to say, Kairi? Good effort?"

"Okay, sorry," I backtrack, putting the piece of paper away. I keep forgetting that the focus should be Tidus, not on showing off my efforts. "Look, I screwed up, and I - I shouldn't have done that. Any of that. All of the...you know what I'm talking about." I look at Tidus, who looks like he wants me to continue, so I draw from my list of mistakes. "Getting mad, throwing tantrums, giving silence treatments, being passive aggressive...you know. It's weird having to ignore you, and Selphie, and I'm not gonna do that again, cause that's dumb. I'm dumb."

"Hmm."

"Can you say something?" I exclaim, getting fed up with his unresponsiveness. I'm actually trying here, so some response would be much appreciated.

"You're actually not that dumb if you figured out how to say all that," Tidus says...which...what?

"What does that even mean?"

"Nothing," he chirps a bit too brightly, given the seriousness of our conversation. "I'm just surprised you came up with all that in less than a day."

"Hey, what do you mean came up? I put a lot of thought into it."

"I know, I know," Tidus says, and his cheeriness is confusing me. Is he mocking me, or has he forgiven me...?

So of course I ask. "Are you not mad anymore?"

Tidus laughs. "I was never mad at you. I was just...upset."

"Same difference."

"Yeah you're right. I was trying to make you feel better." Tidus sighs. "But really. I wasn't mad. I was mostly confused with how you reacted to me and Selphie," Score for me, I didn't flinch! "and what I should do. And then yesterday, I got even more confused, cause you apologized and I didn't feel any better. You know? Honestly I think I was just mad at myself that you could get over it but I couldn't. It's dumb."

"No, it's not dumb," I reassure him. Selphie's words echo in my mind: validate. Validate. "I mean, I hurt you. And that's my fault. You're right to be mad at me."

"Right." Tidus inhales deeply and then quickly exhales. "Wow. So, I guess we're good."

"Yeah. If you're good."

"Yeah. Yeah, we're good." He frowns. "Well, that was sorta anticlimactic. Like, no one even cried."

"Were you gonna?"

"No."

"So you thought I would?"

"No."

"Then?"

"...I don't know. Doesn't someone usually cry?"

"What the hell have you been watching on TV these days? Oh god, please don't tell me Selphie dragged you into her old sitcom marathons - "

"Oh shit, you used to watch them with her? We're watching Boy Meets World - "

"Oh god, she did get you! She got you good."

"Hey, some of them are pretty good! And you really get to see how media mirrors culture which influences society - "

"Just go study film in college, Tidus."

"I wish I could. Just watching movies everyday." He sighs. "I'm like super stressed now, with college apps, and soccer starting soon, and - I'm just glad we got over this."

"Yeah. Me too."

"God, practice sucked today!" Tidus exclaims in his usual laidback voice. "We were scrimmaging, and Ven would not stay on defense! I swear, he and Sora need to remember their roles, and I can't do everything by myself on offense - "

"You need to chill out and stop telling everyone what to do," I return. "I've been to your games. Sora's really good at midfield. You and - you and Riku do great on offense."

Tidus pauses, giving me a weird look. "Since when do you take Sora's side?"

That also makes me mull over my words. I hope I didn't get him mad again. "I'm just saying," I mumble, "that's what I think. I dunno."

"...huh."

"C'mon, let's go," I usher. "I'm hungry, and I have leftovers waiting at home."

"Wanna come over?" Tidus asks. "My mom's making pasta."

"Oh my god yes please. I'll take Auntie Sonnen's food over reheated leftovers anyday."

A/N: Hello friends!

Having relaxed a bit too much after graduating, I'm back with C18! Finally I get to wrap up an arc...which means introducing the next one! Don't worry, despite sporadic breaks, this story is still going strong.

Please leave reviews, comments, questions, or emoticons about this chapter and what you think!