Chapter TWENTY ONE
To do list - look at me being all organized like an adult
-figure out course selection for next semester
-confront Naminé about plans for getting ready together for the Ball...eventually
-STUDY because the parental units are not happy and when they're not happy, I usually end up unhappy somehow
-track championship meet w00t let's do this!
"Are you ready?"
"No," I bemoan. Thinking quickly, I grab my stomach and bend over my seat. "I wanna throw up."
"Well, you've got half an hour, so that's plenty time to rehydrate."
I give up on exaggerating and shoot Coach Tellah a glare. "That's very reassuring, Coach."
He looks up from his clipboard and glances over from the seats across. "It's the last meet of the season, Kairi. If anything, you should be happy."
"You know me. I'll be celebrating right after this." I draw a deep breath and sigh, trying to calm down a little. "I don't get nervous until the actual thing. Which is now."
"Well, anything I can do?" Coach Tellah grabs a plastic bag of items. "Anna packed waters for you all, as well as bananas. Do you want tape?" he offers, retrieving a bright-colored roll.
"Nah, I usually don't," I refuse. "I just - I'm gonna listen to my pre-game playlist and try to psych myself up."
"Psych!" Coach Tellah exclaims, laughing at the joke that only he understands. I chuckle politely, inserting an earbud and letting my body feel the thumping of the bass. It's hard to unwind when the ticking time only counts down towards an impending deadline. But I try to focus on the fact that this is it, this is everything I've worked for up till now and that honestly doesn't help, now does it?
The song comes to an abrupt stop, and so do the jitters. It's funny how these things can just come and go. Suddenly I feel numb, like my body's decided it's tired of being nervous and completely given up. Not on the pending race, but on feeling nervous.
It's a rather strange feeling. Sorta like total zen, but without the actual peaceful element.
Some of the more chatty members of the team are spitballing at a thousand words a minute. I try to turn away from them, because I know myself well enough that I feed off other people's nervous energies. Deciding there's only one place to ensure my solitude, I jump to my feet.
"Ten minutes till we head out!" Coach Tellah hollers to the room of chatty teens. Making a mental note, I double check the time and beeline towards the restroom.
There are a few girls from other teams roaming about and getting ready, so I bypass them and head straight for a stall. Locking myself in, I take a moment to draw a deep breath. No big deal, just another run-of-the-mill meet. Exhale. I'm gonna be fine. Inhale. This is all gonna be over in half an hour. Breathe out. I'm gonna gorge on pizza and Thai takeout and Mom's leftover chili after this cause I don't have to follow my diet anymore and that thought - I have free reign over my diet - gets me through the last of my anxiety.
Summoning a deep breath, I rise to my feet and push open the bathroom stall door a little too strongly. The door knocks against the wall with a loud bang, which causes the girl in the stall next door to yelp.
"Oh, sorry," I apologize, while the girl stammers something under her breath. I pause, mulling over the voice in my mind. "Yuffie?" I ask hesitantly.
"Y - yeah?"
"Oh hey! What're you still doing here? Coach said we're heading out soon."
"Oh, yeah."
"...I'll head out with you!" I add, to which Yuffie hmms.
What's with the non-responses? Did I interrupt her pooping or something? My bad…
Finally, Yuffie hobbles out of the stall, a hesitant smile on her face. It then occurs to me that this is her last cross country meet, and if I'm this nervous who knows how rattled she is? We wash our hands together, and I focus on the warm running water and fixing my messy ponytail. While I'm drying my hands, I can hear the water still running for Yuffie. Turning around confusedly, I let my eyes rest on Yuffie's figure, back hunched over with hands resting on the countertop.
"Hey, Yuffie," I approach slowly, "we should probably get...get going...Yuffie? Yuffie, are you okay?" Her lack of response only heightens my worries. "Yuffie, what's going on? Your hands are shaking."
Finally, she lifts her head and turns towards my direction, blinking owlishly. "Huh?" I point at her hands, and her eyes follow to stare at her trembling fingers. I see her try to tense them up, but the shaking does not subside.
"Yuffie, are you okay?" I ask again.
She barks out a curt chuckle. "It - it's okay. I get this sometimes. Just...just the nerves, you know? This is totally normal."
Watching her focusing on her hand, trying to stop herself from trembling, is making me shake with anxiety. I watch her carefully, doing her best to calm herself down, but if anything, the trembling gets worse.
"Yuffie, I don't think you're okay. This is really bad - how are you gonna run like this?"
"I'll be fine! I just need to get over it. I'll be fine. Just - just gimme a moment…"
Despite her constant reassurances, I only grow more and more wary watching her condition not improving the slightest. It finally occurs to me that I should probably go get some help. "Lemme go find someone…"
"No!" Yuffie shrieks, latching onto my arm. "Don't! You know they'll bar me from the race and I can't!"
That...that doesn't mean I shouldn't get anyone! "I'll go get Coach," I compromise, patting her hand reassuringly. She seems to calm down a little at that and lets me go.
I dash through the halls back to our waiting room, where our entire team is visibly restless and for the most part on their feet. Coach sighs in relief when he sees me.
"Well there's one missing runner. Have you seen Yuffie, Kairi?"
"Uh, yeah, Coach, actually, could I talk to you for a sec?"
He shoots me a confused look but quickly tells one of the senior girls to lead the team out to start warm up stretches. Following me out into the halls, Coach Tellah keeps trying to ask me what's wrong, but it's hard for me to explain, mostly cause I don't know what is wrong. Of course, with Coach Tellah's tendency of paranoia, his haphazard guesses start running wild with his imagination.
"What happened? Does she wanna drop out of the race?"
"No…"
"Did she injure herself? Is she too scared to tell me cause she thinks I'll get mad she isn't taking care of herself?"
"No, I don't think so…"
"Did she finally run off with that deadbeat boyfriend of hers? Oh, or did they break up?" He sounds a little giddy at that last thought.
"No - wait, she has a boyfriend? Who's deadbeat?"
"Where are we going, Kairi? What's going on?"
"Just - c'mon Coach. I'm taking you to Yuffie."
He just mumbles paranoid worries to himself for the rest of the walk over, and he balks a little when we stop outside the girl's bathroom. I peek inside to make sure it's empty except for Yuffie, who's warming her hands with the dryer.
"C'mon, Coach. She's right here."
When Coach Tellah enters, he sees Yuffie, who's looking at him with widened eyes. I watch carefully, trying to gauge the situation and what to do.
"Coach...I'm getting anxious again."
"I should've figured," he mumbles, crossing his arms and looking at her worryingly. "Is it the twitching?"
"Yeah…"
"More like shaking," I chime in, pointing at her hands.
Coach Tellah's eyes widen, and Yuffie tries to hide them behind their back.
"I'm fine," Yuffie tries insisting again. "I just - can't warm up with everyone, I need a little more time…"
"Yuffie, I don't think you should run today."
"What?" she exclaims, looking at Coach Tellah incredulously. "Coach, I'm not backing out now. The meet literally starts in twenty minutes."
"But Yuffie, this isn't just a little finger trembling anymore. You're shaking, and - you know, this might be a panic attack or something."
"What? No, I don't get panic attacks," Yuffie says. "You're just exaggerating. I'll be fine."
I draw a breath, trying to make my presence infinitesimally small in the room. I feel like at this point I'm just intruding, but to get out of the room requires asking Coach Tellah to move, which would require interrupting their conversation. Great.
"Yuffie, look. We know you get pretty bad anxiety, and I asked my friend who's a doctor, and panic attacks aren't uncommon with GAD. Don't underestimate the importance of taking care of yourself."
"I know, I know. I just need some time. But I can run today, I know I can. Please."
"Yuffie - "
"Coach, I have a scholarship depending on this. I have the rest of my life depending on this. I have to run."
Coach Tellah and Yuffie are in a stalemate. At this point, I'm less concerned about intruding in a private conversation and more worried we're all gonna miss the competition at this rate.
Coach Tellah has the sense to check the time. Finally, after great hesitation, he speaks again.
"I don't like this. I don't like this, and I'm making my disapproval clear now." He frowns at Yuffie's relentless glare. "But you're eighteen, and I think you're old enough to make decisions for yourself. I won't stop you - I can't."
"Oh thank you," Yuffie gushes, nerves instantly relaxing.
"But you're an adult, so you need to take responsibility for your decisions now! If you're gonna run, consider the risks and consequences." Coach Tellah is so stern that even though he's not directing his words to me, I'm a little scared. "This is your life, and you know we only want the best for you when I ask you to not run."
Yuffie pauses, deliberating the situation for a moment. Seeing we're running out of time, Coach Tellah starts to wrap things up.
"C'mon, Kairi, we should go join everyone warming up. Yuffie, just come out when you can." Before Yuffie can do or say anything, Coach Tellah herds me through the bathroom door and towards the building exit.
"Coach!" I protest while we're heading out.
"...what? Was I too mean? Do you think she's crying right now? She probably hates me now, doesn't she?"
"What?" I blink. "No, Coach - well, you were a little mean, but - "
"I knew it, she's gonna hate me, she hates me, my own student hates me cause I'm that worried about her - "
"Coach, calm down!" I exclaim. His paranoid anxiety is really running crazy here. "I probably shouldn't use the word 'mean,' I just meant strict. Stern! Which is good!" I hastily emphasize. "You just had to tell her what she needs to hear!"
"...right?" he says, seeking confirmation. "Oh, Kairi, I really didn't know what to do. I should've made a call, huh? I should've pulled her from the race. She can't run like that - "
"I think you did the right thing," I insist. "She's 18, you can't make decisions for her forever. She's mature enough to handle herself. If she thinks she can do it, she probably can."
"You haven't seen her anxiety at its worst…" Coach Tellah trails off, clearing his throat. "Anyways, let's go. You still have a race to run."
"Oh...that's right." Suddenly the nerves return, and I'm dreading my existence with every fiber of my being. "Coach...I want to - I have to - "
"C'mon, Kairi. Chop chop."
"...okay." Somehow, his expectations override my worries, and suddenly it's more important to run the race than angst about it. So drawing a deep breath, I follow Coach out towards the starting line and join the warm-up huddle.
"...don't know how she did it. Is that normal?"
"Is what normal?" Sora echoes dimly, dousing his head with water from his bottle. After finishing morning conditioning early, we're cooling down together before we hit the showers.
"To get anxiety before running." I pause, mulling the thought over. "I mean, I get nervous, but never that bad."
"Well, I guess you have stress management techniques. Maybe she just couldn't handle the pressure. So, did she run in the end?"
"Yeah," I say. "I can't believe it. She was still shaking when she was on the starting line, you know. Or her leg was shaking really bad."
"She probably wanted to finish strong. She's a senior, right?"
"Yeah...oh, and apparently she's trying to get a scholarship for college, so she - she had to run, I guess."
"Oh, wow."
"Yeah. I...I can't even imagine. How can you run with that kind of pressure?"
"I guess it's a good thing you don't have to then. Right?" He narrows his eyes at me.
"Right! I mean," I snort, "we're talking as if I even qualify. I'm probably above average but I've never ranked at meets before. Almost, though."
"Almost?" he repeats excitedly, and I smile giddily.
"I mean, who knows? I was 12th this time," I announce proudly.
"Hey, nice!" He leans over to high-five me, and I'm obviously happy I get to boast.
"I ran my best time yet. Must be all these morning conditioning practices."
"I'm just glad you haven't killed me yet," Sora jokes.
"And you're welcome," I chime in. "If I keep this up...maybe I'll end up qualifying for a scholarship somehow."
"Like snatching candy from a baby," Sora says with a wide grin, and when someone is so encouraging like that, what can you do but smile in return.
Belatedly, I realize I've been talking about myself for the past 5 minutes. "So, how're things with you?"
"Huh? Oh, same old," he says dismissively. "Tests to cram, homework to procrastinate...been playing pickup games with some of the guys recently. I don't know...I guess I didn't realize we're halfway through the semester."
"Yeah...you're right, cross-country season's already over," I reflect nostalgically. Yet another season has passed, and for the most part, things are exactly the same. It's frightening thinking of how quickly time can fly like that.
"And soccer's right around the corner...after finals though," Sora laments, sighing tiredly. "I'm so done with this semester already. I can't wait till summer."
"Summer literally just ended a few months ago," I point out. "You're burnt out already? How're you gonna survive next semester with soccer season?"
"Honestly? I have no idea."
The seriousness in Sora's tone gives me pause, and I turn to look at him. He's lying on the grass, hands behind his head, staring at the sky. And a moment settles, a very...unsettling moment, so I feel compelled to break the silence.
"We have a Christmas break workout routine for cross-country that I could give Coach Fair."
"What?" he exclaims, shooting up into a sitting position. "Kairi...c'mon. You wouldn't."
I raise a brow. "I would, and you know that."
"You're right, you would," he quickly concedes. "You know Coach Fair's gonna kill us during soccer season, so let us live at least during the break, okay? Plus, you're dragging your cousin down too."
"Tidus could lose a few pounds." I pause, trying to think of a suitable jab. "He's like twice Selphie's size."
"That's cause he works out like a maniac," Sora says with a hint of disdain in his voice. "And...they're still together?"
"Yeah. Yeah," I say, the words coming more easily. "They're...still together. I think? I mean, I haven't seen them in awhile, and Tidus is hanging out with his friends all the time now...I guess I should check in with him. Maybe I should ask Selphie if she wants to hang out…"
"Wow," Sora says, mostly under his breath, but I catch onto it and narrow my eyes suspiciously.
"What's so surprising?" I ask with crossed arms, and he raises his hands in a placating manner.
"Oh, nothing, didn't think you heard me. It's just - you know, you were pretty upset with them. But you're checking in on them and hanging out with Selphie again...looks like you got over it?"
"I didn't get over - " I begin my statement passionately but realize there's no reason to act defensive with Sora, who's looking at me quite cluelessly. "I mean...we're good now, if that's what you're asking."
"Yeah, that," he says with an innocent grin. "Good to hear. That's one less thing I have to worry about around your cousin."
"What else do you have to worry about?" I ask curiously.
"Him trying to tell me what to do on the field," Sora returns with a frown. "Just team politics, all the good stuff."
"No way, team drama? Tell me! There's like no drama in cross-country cause we're all doing our own thing for the most part. Telllll meeeee," I wheedle like a child, latching onto his arm and swinging it about. Sora laughs, and I'm not above embarrassing him even further in public to hear what I want to know.
"Okay, okay...first of all, I wanna say this is totally unbiased in any way, okay…"
"Yeah, right."
"...do you wanna hear the drama?"
"Okay, yes, unbiased! Continue, oh wise one. I also give you permission to smack talk my cousin."
"When have I needed permission for that? Anyways, we were scrimmaging last week after school…"
Hearing Sora talk about soccer and Tidus reminds me of middle school, back when things were much simpler in my life. Mainly, life was about soccer, hanging out with Tidus, and trying to beat Sora in everything. Of course, I was also a whole lot dumber back then, so that might be why: problems just didn't occur to me. Now, old and jaded, life's gotten infinitely more complicated, but that's how it is, I guess.
Doesn't make me stop missing the good old days.
I'm in a pretty good mood that morning when I get to school, still riding that post-meet high and enjoying reminiscing with Sora. However, one sentence sends that mood all down the drain. I'm minding my own business, putting my books in the locker, when a girl whose name escapes me taps my shoulder and asks,
"I heard Naminé and Roxas are going to the Ball?"
A/N: Dun dun dunnn.
Hi! Another chapter of stuff for you all to digest. I honestly don't have much to say, but I hope the colder weather will keep me indoors more so I'll be more inclined to write. :)
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