YAMI NO MATSUEI - DESCENDANTS OF DARKNESS
The Shadows of My Past
Chapter Three - Sibling Rift
If it were not for Asukawa Mako, I would not know as to how our family would have survived. I would also not have known as to how I would have handled the responsibility that was left on my shoulders since seven years old.
Mako-san was Father's business partner long before Father met and married Mother. He also had been my business partner and father figure since Father's death.
There were two words that I could use to describe the elderly man - kind and fair. I witnessed how he treated Father, who was decades his junior, with respect and concern.
When Father died, Mako-san visited my home and had a long talk with Mother. He asked her permission to continue the business arrangement that he and Father had forged. He also proposed that I should be the one to take Father's place.
Mother, knowing how Mako-san was as a businessman and as a person, was more than happy to relent. I remembered how she hugged the man who showed more familial love and concern than her own parents ever did.
The arrangement between Mako-san and me was simple: I attended school in the morning, Mako-san paid for my schooling, he expected excellent grades from me, we planted on his land and my family's field after school, we harvested the crops, we sold our products at the market, and we split the profits fifty-fifty.
To begin with, the arrangement was not fair to Mako-san since his land was twice the size of ours. He, however, seemed to have been more than happy to honor our agreement. There was a time wherein I refused to accept half of the proceeds since our land's crops were destroyed by the storm. Nonetheless, the old man insisted and did not leave the house until I accepted the money.
Upon asking Mako-san as to why he did so much for my family, his short but heartfelt answer was, "Your parents have been my children throughout these years. You have been a child to me since you were born. To honor your father's memory, please allow me to be your father from now on. I know that this arrangement would be what your parents would've wanted. I just hope that I could be half the man that your father had been for you."
Since that day, I treated the old man with love, loyalty, and respect. I worked and studied hard. I wanted a better future for my family. I wanted to fulfill my promise to Father by being a good provider and protector for Mother and Inari. I wanted to be worthy of opportunities such as the arrangement that I have made with Mako-san.
Last, but not the least, I wanted Mako-san to be proud of me as well. I felt that if I make him proud, I have also made Father proud of me.
Ten years had passed by quickly...ten years since I became the patriarch of our financially-deprived family. I thought that I have already learned the lessons essential in survival since Father died. Although I forced myself to master those lessons as fast as I could, what I was not ready for were the emotional repercussions of being the head of the family.
As much as Mother was there for Inari and me, I could not help but feel that I could never be there for her. No matter how hard I have tried, I could not remove the sadness that was in her heart. Instead, there were times that even I get pulled into her dark world...only to harden my heart since I need my fullest mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual capacities to be there for my family.
Shortly after Father's death, my grandparents - Mother's parents - completely disowned her and vehemently cursed her. Mother twice refused their offer of forgiveness when they forced her to marry the person that she was betrothed to when she eloped with Father. She endured the scrutinizing eyes and wagging tongues of gossipmongers as they played uninvited and idiotic matchmakers much to my silent disgust.
To those no-good neighbors of ours, as well as my grandparents, Mother was stupid for letting go of opportunities to live a more comfortable life by marrying another man.
I firmly believe that Mother made the right decision not to marry anyone after Father. To this very day, I could not picture anyone who would be worthy enough to take Father's place. I could not see anyone being good enough to be a husband, friend, and companion for Mother.
Mother, however, was slowly slipping away into depression over Father's death, her parents' ostracism, Inari's immodest antics, and my dark change. Her health and sanity were being eaten away before my eyes.
I found out Mother's state of mind through her mumblings when she thought that I was already asleep. She believed that the gods were surely punishing her for her disobedience. She also felt guiltier since she knew that her disobedience was the stand that she needed to take to be wtih Father. In-between tears, she would say in front of Father's picture that she would defy her parents all over again so that they could be together again. She said on other occasions that if time turned back and the gods had asked her to choose once more between her parents and Father, she would choose Father without forethought.
As the first years of Father's death passed, Mother noticed that dark change inside me. The lingering shadows' frequenting presence around me, raging teenage hormones, and festering unresolved wrath from known and unknown sources made her concern for me grow each day. She began to see how the shadows manifested through my emotions as they continued to torment and consume me. I could see how deep that certain sadness and fright ran in her being as she saw my true self unfold before her very eyes.
Nonetheless, she showed more of that love and concern for me when I least deserved it. In her eyes, I was her loving and precious son. Although I was mostly silent about my feelings, she had an idea as to what thoughts were running in my mind. She loved me the same regardless of whether I was affectionate, tolerable, mischievous, insensitive, or angry at any given day.
As much as I rarely told my family that I loved them dearly, Mother knew that I would do anything to protect them. I did my best to show that she and Inari were precious in my life. The fact that I would do anything – even kill – to protect them made Mother suffer mixed emotions of sadness, fear, and assurance.
Just as Mother saw the depth of my intentions through my eyes, I sensed her selflessness and care through her eyes.
By this time in my life, the shadows and I became more familiar but dubious acquaintances. The passage of time along with extenuating circumstances gave me a sense of arrogant boldness over my dark companions. I learned how to taunt the shadows to do my will from time to time. There were instances, however, that the unbridled shadows would lash out and seep into my nightmares.
I needed a sense of balance within to control the lingering shadows around me.
Inari, my sister, used to provide that sense of balance for me with her sweet and gentle ways. However, she changed into a rebellious and wanton young woman three years ago for reasons unknown to Mother and me. Mother thought that one of the ways that the gods were punishing her was through Inari. Inari's turns for the worse infuriated and frustrated me to no end.
Mako-san's influence in my life kept most of those shadows from totally devouring my soul as he became the father figure and friend that I needed. Nonetheless, his presence and his guidance - as comforting and assuring as it might be - was not enough.
There were nights wherein I stifled my screams and held back my tears from the shadows' ever-changing shapes. My nightmares perpetually blamed me for Inari's wild ways and Mother's descent towards insanity. Bolting out of bed, my chest heaved heavily, my eyes went wide with fright, and my heart pounded mercilessly as I stayed alone in the dark.
This time, no one came to my rescue. I was too stubborn and proud to allow Mother to comfort me as she usually did. My heart, however, would always remain as the child whose heart begged for Mother's embrace.
I did not wish to be a burden to Mother, but I failed. Aside from being the fierce protector of my family, I became the constant source of her sadness and concern for the past ten years. I caused her so many heartaches that I already lost count the number of times that she cried at night in her bedroom, not knowing that I could hear her sobs and that my heart was breaking along with hers.
Tonight happened to be one of those times.
"Oww..."
In the most gentle voice that she could possibly muster, Mother said as she patted over the bruises and cuts on my face and lips with a wet cloth, "Seiichiro, why did you get into a fight again? You know that Father and I never approve of such things. Fighting never culminates into anything wholesome."
I kept a brave face in spite of the severe beating that I just endured from five local bullies. I gritted my teeth to hold back the winces of pain every time Mother's wet washcloth touched the sensitive and bleeding parts of my face. "They tried to steal the money from me. Another smart mouth also said something bad about Inari."
Mother cupped her hands on my face and made me look into her eyes. "Son, you and Inari have always been far more important to me than anything else in the world. I don't know how I'd take it if something bad happens to any of you. Please, don't fight anymore."
Looking sideways, I retorted with quiet anger brewing inside me, "It wasn't just the money, Mother. I've worked hard to earn a living for us. Aside from that, those thugs disrespected our family. I could never let anyone get away with that. If you ask me, they deserved that thrashing from me. That, however, would still not be enough to pay for what they did."
Mother shook her head and then explained, "You're seventeen years old now, Seiichiro. I've raised you and your sister to live peaceably with others. Whatever those boys said to you were just mere words. Kind words help the spirit grow. Hurtful words would never reduce who you are as a human being. Learn how to forgive and be patient towards others. Let the gods handle whatever retribution they wish to deliver against those who harm you."
"Father lived by his principles. I'm doing my best to keep his legacy since he died. The gods only help those who help themselves, Mother. There are times that one must protect and fight for what's important. Tonight, when I fought them, happens to be one of those times."
There was a long, tense-filled silence between us. Mother continued to clean up my wounds, her hands becoming shakier as the minutes passed. I could hear her sniffing and I could see how she bit her lip.
"I'm sorry that you have to go though this for your sister's and for my sake. If I have been more..." Mother finally murmured before she choked and broke down into a silent but uncontrollable sob. She clutched the wet washcloth so tightly that her knuckle turned deathly white. Her warm tears dropped on the hardwood floor where she and I have been sitting for the past hour.
Giving her a hug while holding back my tears, I whispered to her in a calm voice, "Mother, please don't cry anymore. We're getting by, aren't we?"
"I wish that I could help more, but I'm not even proficient in housework. I'm your mother. I should be easing your burden. I shouldn't be making things worse for you so that you have to resort to fighting."
"You shouldn't think that way about yourself, Mother. By the way, where's Inari? I need to speak with her."
Mother did not answer my question, which meant that she did not know where Inari had gone to since this morning. Before my eyes narrowed as I stewed in anger, I heard her say to me, "Promise me that you won't get into any fights. I don't want to lose another member of this family."
"But -"
"Please, Seiichiro. No more fights..." begged Mother in a calm but firmer voice as she gazed into my eyes and acknowledged in silence that she understood my reason for resorting into a fistfight.
"I can't promise you that I won't fight anymore. I promise to do my best to avoid them," I muttered as my embrace around Mother tightened. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. My mind kept recalling and reminding my heart as to how much I missed the old Inari. I noticed how much Mother slipped deeper into her despair since my sister's drastic change in behavior.
My thoughts eventually drew me back to Inari - making my teeth clench from anger and reminding me of the many cuts and bruises that I received from those thugs who called her a whore.
I would definitely have a word with my wayward sister before this night is through...
The first signs of dawn began to appear as the owner of deliberately quiet footsteps opened the door to our house. Being careful not to awaken anyone, the new arrival tiptoed on the floor and headed straight towards the empty bedroom.
"Is this a decent time for a proper young lady to come home?" I asked from the farthest corner of the living room as I saw the new arrival trying - and hoping - to sneak undetected inside the house. By this time, my eyes have already been acquainted seeing in the dark and the shadows have kept me company for many hours
"Oni-sama?" exclaimed Inari with a subtle gasp of surprise.
As I emerged from the darkest corner of the living room and approached her, my eyes narrowed while harshly whispering, "Where have you been all this time, Inari? You haven't been home since yesterday morning. You haven't been in school for days. You made Mother worry again. I've been waiting for you since I came home last night."
The nonchalant reply that I received from her was, "I've been out."
Anger festered inside me when she turned her back and intended to leave me in the living room without resolving this matter. I grabbed her hand, yanked her towards me, and remarked, "We're not done talking yet! Where have you been all this time?"
The second response, much more curt and disrespectful than the previous one, was, "I've been out! Are you deaf?"
For the first time, I have done the unimaginable. I slapped her hard across the face.
Her slate blue eyes flashed in such vile rage as she pushed me away. "You have no right to impose your self-righteous values on me! Not everyone is as saintly as you!"
Grabbing her harder than I did earlier, I pulled her towards me until there was no distance left between us. "Oh, I have every right to do so! You're a member of this family. You'll do your best to uphold and maintain its reputation!"
"I don't give a damn about reputation! I don't give a damn about school!"
The more that Inari fought to pull herself away, the harder that I pulled her towards me. Shaking in anger and losing any sense of calmness, I retorted, "You don't give a damn about anything but you! Do you know that the local thugs call you a whore? Do you know that the neighbors talk about how that lecherous politician's been hanging around you?"
Flinging her hands, Inari dismissively told me, "What they're saying about me is true. I don't care about their talks, so you shouldn't be bothered by them."
Exasperation seeped through my voice. "By the gods, I'm your brother and Mother worries about you! Don't you have at least a token of respect left for others? Don't you have any self-respect? What happened to you that made you want to blatantly throw your life away?"
Inari closed her eyes and looked sideways, her voice dropping down to a defeated whisper. "Let me be, Oni-sama. I'm not as helpless as you think I am. Don't get in trouble anymore on my account. You've been doing a lot for this family by going to school and working so hard. Just let me be and let me do my part for this family. You don't have to be everyone's savior."
Feeling as if my jaw was about to lock from clenching my teeth so hard, I spat, "That's the point! I'm doing everything that I can so that no one in our family has to stoop low! When are you going to get it through your thick head that I'm here to protect you!"
"That is the point, Oni-sama! I don't need your protection! I'm already sixteen and I can damn well protect myself!"
After uttering those words, Inari walked out on me and slid her bedroom door shut. I marched as fast as I could after her, my anger spewing over as she closed the door before my face.
"Inari! Come out here!" I screamed behind the door as my fingers tried to pry the door open. Knowing that she was purposefully avoiding me made me so livid...so livid that I did not notice the faint voice that was repeatedly calling my name.
By the time that I turned around and saw Mother, her eyes were wide and reflected such fear while the flickering shadows wrapped around my feet and disappeared into the void.
"Not bad for a day's work at the market, huh, Tatsumi-kun..."
"Not bad at all," I said with a reserved smile on my face as I received and counted my share of today's proceeds from Asukawa Mako. The grin on my face grew - the first one that I was able to muster since this morning - as I just confirmed that my usual one-half was in my hands.
Immediately after securing the money inside my deep pockets, I went back to loading the empty crates back into our shared wagon.
Mako-san raised an eyebrow and gave me a probing gaze. "At the rate that you've been making our business grow, I think that you've saved more than enough money for a bright future. You can marry any woman you wish. You can give your new family a good life."
"You exaggerate, old man," I wryly remarked while I teasingly elbowed my business partner, family friend, father figure, and confidante of many years.
"Do you know that you've surpassed your father when it came to making a business lucrative?"
I fell silent for a minute and felt my face turn red. This reaction happened every time someone honored me by comparing me to how Father was when he was still alive. I stammered, "There wasn't much to change. I just implemented what was fair and equitable. We work hard for the crops that we sell and our customers must respect that fact."
"That's why I let you handle that part of our agreement, my boy. You have a stronger disposition to say 'no' to those who wish to abuse their privileges."
I blinked a couple of times before asked, "What privileges?"
A big grin escaped Mako-san's lips. "That's exactly what I'm talking about. All those haggling customers stopped their racket ever since we've been working together. You're a smarter businessman than I could ever be. Plus, they're afraid of you."
After pausing for a couple of minutes as I loaded up our cart, I then continued, "I'm still too young to think about such things. Aside from that, Mother and Inari still need me."
After loading another empty wooden crate inside our cart, my business partner slapped my arm just as he normally did whenever he wanted to make a point with me. "You're already seventeen! You're old enough to marry, smart enough to make it on your own, and responsible enough to be a good provider! It has been like that for a very long time. What are you waiting for?"
"I'm happy the way things are, Mako-san. I haven't even thought about marriage until you brought it up."
"Look, my boy. I know how much you love your family, but you need to start thinking about yourself more for a change. I didn't tell you to stop taking care of your mother...and with the way that Inari's conducting herself, she'll be out of your hands very soon."
My vision went dim for a minute as I pondered about the last exchange of words that I had with Inari. My blood began to boil just by thinking about what happened this morning. I pondered as to how Mother hid her sadness and displeasure from seeing Inari and I bicker so often.
Mako-san really knew how to drive a point home where it hurt the most. The observations that he made about my younger sister, Inari, were all true. Nonetheless, he sheepishly stammered after he gave me a quick glance, "I - I'm sorry, Tatsumi-kun. Sometimes, my mouth gets too carried away. Forgive me. I didn't mean any malice behind my comment."
I guess that the old man saw my eyes narrow and my brow furrow - a mannerism that I acquired and maintained as long as I could remember. I did the best that I could to remove or even minimize that habit. During our childhood days, Inari told me that it scared people to see me in such a state.
However, there was an old adage forewarning that old habits were hard to kill...and I have been doing this habit more often, especially since Inari had been acting so rebellious for the past three years and counting.
"It's all right," I said with a light and apologetic half-smile. In my own quiet way of letting him know that I was not angry with him, I looked at the remaining crates and told him while my hand rested on his arm, "Why don't you take a break, Mako-san? There's only a few remaining crates left. I can handle everything by myself."
Mako-san warily eyed at me, still wanting to help and slightly protesting over my proposal. He saw the quiet insistence in my eyes...making him relent, giving me a nod of gratitude, and sitting on top of the crate that we customarily loaded last in our cart.
For the old man who became my teacher and father, being a son to him was only a small consolation for what he had done for me over the years.
I was not angry at Mako-san at all...
Every time that I remembered Inari's defiantly wild ways, it infuriated and saddened me at the same time. I did the best that I could to provide and protect our family, but I could swear that she was born to ruin every good effort that I make to uplift our family's financial and social status. She was spitting on the only wealth that our father had left us - our family honor and our good name. What angered me most about her was the fact that Mother and I loved her very much in spite of everything that she had done, and she repaid that love by wanting and living a life that blemished the Tatsumi name.
Inari was now sixteen. She was young, beautiful, strong-willed, and ambitious. Had she only applied that inner drive to do something constructive with her life, I have no doubt that she would go far in life. She could have found and married a suitable man who deserved her. She could have been a good mother for her children.
Instead, my only living sister earned the reputation of a whore...much to Mother's sadness and my resentment.
Inari used to be kind, considerate, cheerful, optimistic, and proper. Since her drastic change, I felt guilty wishing from time to time that the gods had taken Inari instead of Father. I was thinking that if Inari had died in Father's stead, she would have been saved from her self-destructive ways. Mother could have been happier, especially since Father and I would work together to keep our family peaceful and intact.
Unfortunately, fate had been mostly cruel to my family.
Breaking the ice of silence between us, Mako-san asked, "Isn't there a woman out there that suits your fancy, Tatsumi-kun? I've seen plenty of them circling around our stall, batting their eyelashes and wanting for your attention."
After letting out a sigh, I told him with a wry smile, "I would want someone who has refinement, intelligence, and beauty. I would want someone who would know how to take care of our children and me...someone who I could love deeply and would accept me for who I really am."
The old man shifted his seated position and crossed his arms in front of his chest. His eyes twinkled in amusement over my response. "Do you know that most men become more idealistic as they become older and remain single? It happens most especially when it comes to choosing his mate. You're only seventeen years old and you've already set up such high standards for a potential wife. If you keep being so fussy and choosy, you might end up being like me...old and never married. That would be such a waste."
"If I'm going to choose a mate and the future mother of my children, I might as well choose properly. Not doing such precaution would be the waste..."
Mako-san shook his head while asking me, "Must you treat marriage just as you would make any of your business decisions?"
With quiet certainty laced in my voice, I turned around and inquired, "Isn't that how every decision in life should be made? Shouldn't one be as certain as he possibly could? So far, my plans and decisions for our ventures haven't steered us wrong."
"You are blessed with a sharp mind for business. However, there are times wherein you must take a leap of fate and see what happens next. I admired your father. He was also a good businessman and a keen negotiator, but he was also an eternal optimist."
"Knowing that nothing lasts forever takes the optimism out from life. That's the similarity between money and human life. Money and human life never last forever."
Mako-san's eyes lit up and he lifted an index finger as another pearl of wisdom inspired him to say, "Ah, but wouldn't you agree with me that money is more predictable than life? You would never know when one's life would end. As to money, closely monitoring it could make it stretch longer if one watches the expenses."
Silence transpired since the last crate was loaded in our wagon up to the time that we were halfway to my home.
After thinking and wondering as to why our most recent conversations have been bordering towards rationalism and ideals, I could not help but shake my head, chuckle, and stare at the old man. "What's going on with you, Mako-san? You've never been so philosophical about such things, especially when it comes to money."
Glancing sideways, Mako-san genially smiled. "I guess age opens up a person's life to more truths. For example, what makes you so engrossed with business and mathematics?"
"I never really gave it much thought," I replied as I prodded the horse to slow down its pace.
"Humor an old man and just answer the question."
Another comfortable period of silence passed before I murmured, "I really can't think of an answer right now..."
"Why don't you give me an answer by the end of this week?"
"That's five days from now," I said with a hint of silent protest.
"Five days will give you enough time to reflect."
Smiling and shaking my head, I told him, "Fine. You'll get your answer five days from now."
Inviting Mako-sama to join my family for supper, we finally reached the farm.
After securing all our supplies and feeding the horse, we wearily removed our slippers and quietly stepped inside my home...only to see Mother uncontrollably crying with her head bowed down close to the hardwood floor. She clasped a note with a shaky left hand while her right hand covered her face.
Mako-sama and I ran towards Mother. The old man rested a comforting hand on her back as I knelt before her.
Making her look into my eyes, Mother eventually lifted her face and absentmindedly mumbled, "She left us... She's never coming back..."
I took the note from her hands...frowning as I read it and being left speechless afterwards.
Not knowing whether I should be shocked, angry, or sad, I handed the note over to Mako-sama and hugged Mother as tightly as I could. I closed my eyes as my suffocated feelings tried to wrack my brain. I did not know what to do next.
Inari had once again hurt our family, for that fateful note read...
Mother, Oni-sama
I eloped and started a new life.
Your lives would be better off without me.
Pray for my happiness, and forget about me.
Inari
End of Chapter Three
Author's Side Note
Chapters One through Three have changes in them.
I took out any reference of Tatsumi having two sister...and instead, changed it into one sister - Inari. This, again, is based on Dame Theria's manga translations that Tatsumi has a younger sister in the past (and not sisters...hmmm...I wonder where I came across that he has sisters in the past).
Thanks to Theria, Sakura Crisis, and Manon's YnM Yahoo! Groups for tickling my insatiable curiosity for Ynm ;-D You guys, as well as those who support you, are awesome!
Review Responses
Ah, people have asked me what the present-day Tatsumi's role is, as this story about his past unravels. Let me explain, and if it still doesn't make sense then please let me know ;-D
Picture your future self - who is invisible and knows exactly every thing that would happen - watching over your past self. As much as your future self has all conceivable knowledge and would not make the same mistakes made in the past, the future self is doomed to relive the mistakes by watching his or her past self repeat those mistakes before his or her very eyes.
At first, your future self may be able to distinguish himself or herself from the past counterpart...but as the events of the past unravel and old wounds reopen, the danger of making the same mistakes and agonizing with guilt runs greater.
What's worse from making a mistake because one doesn't know any better is making the same mistake even after knowing the consequences of committing that error.
I can think of two words to describe the experience - scary, torturous, and self-flagellating. The experience is similar to parents watching their child make the same mistakes that they've made when they were younger, their advice falling on deaf ears, and suffering the pains that their child endures as the consequences of the mistakes unfold before everyone.
However, Tatsumi's situation is much more surreal and much worse than the parent-child analogy.
Unlike parents, who still have a glimmer of hope that their child would be saved from making such a huge error in judgment, Tatsumi knew from the very beginning that he would relive his past exactly as to how events have happened...and he had no way of changing anything. He traveled back in time, so that he could make a distinction why he becomes the person that he is today...particularly when it comes to his relationships with people, and most especially when it pertains to intimate relationships.
Thanks for the wonderful reviews, everyone! I hope that you liked this chapter as well. Let me know what you think via constructive reviews ;-D.
Warmest Regards, Zatken
Normal Disclaimer
Yami No Matsuei (Descendants of Darkness) and its characters are copyrighted properties of Matsushita Yoko. This fan fiction and the original characters (Mako-san, Inari) that appear within this fan fiction belong to Zatken.