YAMI NO MATSUEI – DESCENDANTS OF DARKNESS

The Shadows of My Past

Chapter Five – And I Bid Thee Adieu

To the Readers

It has been a long time. I missed writing this story and I miss all your reviews letting me know how I am doing so far with this story.

I hope that this long-awaited chapter will be enjoyed by all of you just as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Warmest regards,

PJ Zatken

Terminology (read more about the topics below from Wikipedia)

Jigai – the traditional method of ritual suicide done by women in Japan, the term literally meaning "self damage." In practice, it normally refers to ritual suicide of women by the cutting of the jugular vein with a kaiken (a six-inch knife) or a tanto (six to 12-inch knife). Before committing jigai, a woman would often tie her ankles together so her body would be found in a dignified pose in spite the convulsions of death. The act was often done to preserve one's honor if a military defeat was imminent, more specifically to prevent rape.

Thirteen Buddhas – one of the traditional Japanese ways of honoring the deceased. Each "Buddha" represented a corresponding memorial service which fell on how many days or years had the deceased parted from this word. In this fanfic, the Buddha featured is Yakushi.

It had been a long 49 days – the day of Yakushi or Bhaisajyaguru, the healing aspect of Lord Buddha and the seventh sequence of our family's memorial service in honor of my sister Inari. Forty-nine days had gone by since Inari passed on to the next life…or should I say Michiko which was the name that Mother and I have given her posthumously to conform to tradition. Her portrait was now beside Father's picture, the two of them sharing the small shrine inside our house as a reminder that they would always be in our hearts.

Yet as much as today signified healing for Inari's soul and those who grieve for her, there were times wherein healing could not be so easily obtained.

Mother became sadder still. She hardly had spoken a word since I told her that Inari had committed jigai. She knew that Inari felt guilty and ashamed over what happened many years ago. I spared her from the fact that Ishino Toya and a group of his men had taken Inari by force. I did not tell her that my sister eloped with him to spare us from his retaliation.

Speaking of Ishino Toya, he was not the same man who did so many twisted things against my sister and the citizens of our hometown. In fact, many had observed the marked changed in the man towards the better by the way he conducted his political affairs and treated the citizens. He visited Mother and me many times since Inari's death. At times, I would see her accompanying Mother at home after Mako-san and I arrive from a long day at the market. I saw the look of gratitude that Mother gave him from time to time for he made sure that Inari received a proper funeral.

There would also be times that the politician would visit our stall, asking me how I was coping from this latest tragedy that beset my family. He offered me a position within his office, telling me that he would need someone in his employ possessing the skills and values that I have.

I politely said "no" to his offer many times, leaving Ishino nodding and respecting my decision. The refusal, however, did not dissuade him from extending the same professional offer.

I did not know how Ishino really felt inside when I declined his offer. However, I really did not care about what he had to say or do to make me change my mind. I kept my civility towards him in memory of my sister and to keep Mother safe. I was also grateful towards him for financially ensuring that Inari's funeral and memorial services were celebrated in a manner befitting her noble heritage.

Ishino's gestures and actions since Inari died, whether it be contrived or authentic, was a vindication for my sister. They were the man's way of showing to the world that he cherished and considered Inari to be his wife. They were also might be his way of seeking penance for splitting our small and humble family apart. Since he had done such actions, the distasteful gossip against my sister and family went down to a minimum.

As thankful as I am towards Ishino, in my eyes he was still the bastard who destroyed my sister.

But today, the 49th day that Inari had departed from this world, I did not feel self-assured or cocky. The sadness and longing that I have for my sister finally settled in the core of my being. This was the first time that I thought about her during my waking hours. Almost every night, my thoughts drifted towards Inari. In my mind as I lay in my bed, I have asked for her forgiveness. I asked forgiveness for judging her too quickly and too harshly. I asked forgiveness for not fighting or defending her honor when she needed me most.

I paused in what I was doing at the market, offering a silent prayer to the gods and mentally talking to my sister to ask for her forgiveness.

And then my thoughts drifted towards Mother.

I prayed to the gods once more to give Mother the peace of mind and spiritual strength to deal with Inari's passing. I saw her ebbing away slowly but surely from me. I did not know what to do to console her. I did not know how to convince her that life would be better although I could not answer as to how that would happen.

I could not really blame Mother. How could I give her hope to see beyond this tragedy? How could I give her hope if I only had a sliver of hope left within me, and that hope was not even enough to draw strength for one person to move on let alone for two?

Day after day, I leave for the university and kiss Mother goodbye as she quietly sat before the family shrine.

By the time that dusk came and Mako-san and I arrive home, there was Mother before the family shrine…the look of despondence and defeat evident in those deep blue eyes of hers. At times she would sob and hold on to me as if her life depended on it. On other occasions, she would do her best to serve supper and be a gracious host to Mako-san…only to end up either clammed up or sobbing incoherently.

Night after night, I hear Mother's whimpers and gasps after her fears and doubts warp the contents of her mind and created nightmares triggering her despair and guilt. Night after night, I rise from my bed and go to her room. I slide the door to her room open to see her in a wild yet dazed state. Sitting beside her and rubbing her back, the only response to my questions as to whether she was all right were stifled sobs followed by her body trembling as she did her best to hold on.

The circumstances in my life eventually took a toll on me. My grades began to slip from excellent to barely passing. I was becoming absent-minded, my body and mind begging for either sleep or rest. My stamina dwindled slowly but surely, with Mako-san at times teasing me to lighten up the day's mood.

Mako-san graciously offered to handle our partnership until my health and studies were back in check. He also pointed out that the vacation was another time to take care of affairs at home, his repeated advice first given two weeks after Inari's funeral.

Much to the old man's surprise, I politely refused his offer.

The man looked at me but nonetheless gave me a nod acknowledging that he accepted the refusal with no hard feelings. I knew from the look in his eyes that he was wondering why I refused the vacation so that I could focus more on Mother and school. For now, he accepted my silence because he could tell that I did not even know the answer.

The day went by uneventfully with sales being as lucrative as it always were, and our fellow merchants and regular patrons greeting me and conveying their prayers for Inari.

The wagon ride that Mako-san and I took home was quiet.

From time to time, the shadows curled around my leg and tugged it to catch my attention. They have been more active since Inari's death. I willed them to go away, hoping that Mako-san did not see them.

Tonight the shadows were more willful and disobedient, not in a malicious way. Nonetheless, their antics tonight were unwelcome. Eventually, the shadows listened to my mental plea and they left me be.

This time, I saw them curl around the horse that pulled the wagon Mako-san and I rode on…prodding the horse to go faster.

Once the animal responded as the shadows wished, they returned to the darkness they came from. They made sure that the horse kept its fast pace while ensuring that our safety was not compromised.

When I became angry for not understanding why they were being such an exceptional nuisance tonight, the shadows curled on my leg as if they were conveying their apologies and begging my patience. It was as if they were begging me to trust them and to let things be.

I felt guilty and rotten. Mako-san was a father to me and a good friend. Together, the shadows were the long-lost twin that had been with me throughout my life…the one who understood the pains that I had in my heart when I could not find the words to express my feelings.

Yet, in spite of everything that Mako-san and the shadows have done for me, I could not tell the dear old man the truth about my dark half. I also could not give them the respect and acknowledgement that they richly deserved by telling the old man that they have been a part of me…a part of my life…that they were part of who I am.

I stopped the wagon once we reached home faster than we would have expected. I gave Mako-san a weary nod when he gestured for me to go ahead inside the house and greet Mother.

When I took off my footwear and placed it in their designated spot, my eyes went wide with what I saw. I yelled Mako-san's name along with a nearly-incoherent yell for his help, running towards Mother as I called out for the old man.

Mother was still before the family shrine, her body lying in a pool of blood. She convulsed, her body fighting the bind around her ankles. Blood oozed from the deep wound on the side of her neck, her white kimono now bloody red. A knife gleamed beside her while her hand was only inches away from it.

Life momentarily glimmered in Mother's eyes as she saw me. Her bloody hand now lifted as if she was reaching out for me.

I propped Mother as if I were cradling her, doing my best to keep her in a comfortable position. I pressed my hand against the deep wound in hopes to stop the bleeding. I gazed into her now-lackluster blue eyes and asked as my voice shook, "Mother…. Why?"

"Live your life now, Seii. Forgive me... Cannot even do this right…" was Mother's choked whisper to me.

As the first teardrop streamed down my cheek, Mother lifted a quivering hand and touched my cheek. I closed my eyes once her cold hand rested on my skin. Memories of scenes and accompanying emotions flooded back in my mind and heart, filling my soul once more with the love and comfort that I felt every time that she touched me the way that she did now.

And it pained me to think for even a split second how much my life would drastically change once more starting tonight….

Mother poured out all the strength that she could give to tighten the grip on my hand and to maintain her touch on my cheek. Some things never change such as the love in her eyes and the care she communicated through her touch.

So much had built up inside me over the years. The indignation, oppression, frustration, injustice, hopelessness, desolation, and so many other unexplainable feelings that coursed and kept in a tight lid since I was seven now bubbled and spread throughout my entire being.

My body shook violently as I clutched Mother and embraced her tightly. I rocked to and fro as I held her as if part of me was wishing that this very action would turn back time or bring someone back to life. Whatever emotions I have kept within me throughout these years now filled me…numbed me…suffocated me…wanted to truly come out and finally have a voice….

I want Father back. I want Inari back.

And I want Mother to stay…to not leave me…to have the peace that she richly deserved so that she could grow old and happy with the man that she loved with all her heart and soul…

As I held Mother in my arms, I prayed to the gods in my mind, "When would you understand that we valued each other far more than wealth? You took Father away from us too soon. Inari threw her life away and embraced a miserable existence so that Mother and I could live a peaceful life? Mother lived in desolation out of her reverence for all of you. I offered every thing that I am for all of you and this family every day."

"I refused the shadows' urge to control my fate because of all of you! We made our sacrifices and offered them to all of you so that you would protect us and hear our prayers!"

After a while, I stopped moving. My already-numbed mind and overburdened heart felt that small pinch of painful reality bring me to where I was. The silence sank to the core of my being, emptying my heavily-burdened soul but still producing the same despondent result.

I loosened my embrace and gazed down at Mother. The more that I looked at her, the heavier my heart felt. Part of the tears that I held back for many years when Father died came out as silent teardrops when Mother and I bade goodbye to Inari.

For the first time in many years, Mother looked at peace. For many years, I prayed for the gods to give Mother a sense of peace for even just one night. She was now finally at peace, but I never wished for something like this to happen.

Not this way…. Definitely not this way….

While I looked down at Mother and swept away the unruly strands of dark hair from her beautiful face, I continued praying, "Why did you not take pity on her? She prayed to all of you every moment! She believed in all of you! Do you not see how much she suffered while she held on to her faith in all of you? Why do you gods continue to punish and play with us…with her? Why do you punish us in spite of all the sacrifices we have done for honor and for everything that you stand for?"

"How much more proof do you all need believe that the only thing we wanted was to be a family? When will you believe that we just wanted to live in peace and with honor? Was my prayer too much to ask? Was this prayer too much for you gods to handle?"

All of those feelings bubbled and burst through a long, loud, and agonized yell that I let out. I bit my lower lip, wanting to give a more coherent voice to my feelings but I could not do so. As I saw her blood mix with my tears on her body and in my hands, my body shook as I sobbed and hugged Mother tightly once more.

During this entire time, it felt dark and desolate. My mind kept screaming as if Mother could hear me ask repeatedly, "Why did you do this? Why did you give up?"

I heard someone run inside the house followed by the sounds of objects dropping on the floor. Whatever was happening beyond the scene that I saw, beyond the very one I now held in my bloodied arms meant nothing to me.

"Tatsumi-san..." whispered the old man. I could feel him crouching behind me, his hand rubbing my back as I sobbed for the third time in my short life. Once I felt his touch, I instinctively held Mother more protectively as if I told him that I refused to let her go.

The old man honored my wishes and accompanied me throughout this time, with him still rubbing my back just as a father would do to comfort his child.

At times, I felt Mako-san's consoling hand behind my back clench my clothing. At times, his body quivered as he attempted to do exactly the same thing that I have been doing since I arrived home and saw Mother – to keep a sense of composure together.

Yet Mako-san and I failed miserably – all while Mother became a silent and detached witness to our shock and grief…all while the consoling shadows used the dark crevice between Mother and me as a way to wrap themselves around the inconspicuous arm that cradled her to make their presence known to me.

End of Chapter Five

Normal Disclaimer

Yami No Matsuei (Descendants of Darkness) and its characters are copyrighted properties of Matsushita Yoko. This fan fiction and the original characters (Mako-san, Tatsumi Inari, Ishino Toya) that appear within this fan fiction belong to PJ Zatken.